Chapter 14
MEMPHIS
I heard Erisa growl in frustration before asking, “What should I wear?”
“Why are you asking me?” Iliana replied. “I have no idea either.”
“It’s a family dinner,” I shouted, loud enough for them to hear me upstairs.
“That answer isn’t helpful at all,” Cassia said as she stepped out and looked down over the landing. “What do you wear to a family dinner?”
“Clothes are a good option.”
Cassia stared at me blankly, then glanced to the side.
I followed her gaze, and a split second later something hit me in the side of the head.
I stared in disbelief as a little rubber duck bounced across the island and landed on the floor, where Ivy was stacking plastic containers into a tower just so she could knock them over again.
“Did you just hit me with a duck?” I asked, rubbing my head.
“Thank your lucky stars I didn’t have a brick handy,” Cassia said, still expressionless. “Now, let’s try this again. What should we wear to dinner with your family?”
“It’s a potluck served buffet-style in a garage.
We’ll eat off paper plates with plastic utensils, sit at wooden picnic tables that have more carvings on them than flat space, and still manage to give you a splinter if you’re not careful.
Afterward, we’ll occasionally walk past the food table and graze while we work on various vehicles, watch football on the big screen, and drink beer straight from the bottle.
What do you think you should wear?” Cassia looked down at her white sweater and cream colored leggings.
I couldn’t help but snicker as I added, “My suggestion is not anything like what you’re wearing right now. ”
Cassia frowned before turning to call out, “Put the heels away, Erisa. It’s not that kind of luncheon!”
I ran my hand down Dobby’s back. “I need tips from Uncle Bird on how to survive living in a house full of women.”
“I heard that!” Iliana yelled.
“Good!”
“I’ll give you a tip!” Iliana said, leaning over the railing and glaring down at me.
“Just for a second, just to see how it feels?” I asked without thinking.
Her face went blank before she bit her lip, clearly trying not to smile. She suddenly threw her head back and cackled.
“You make it hard to be angry with you, Memphis.”
“Because I’m awesome.”
“I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ll admit you’re moderately amusing,” Iliana conceded. “Question: You said we’re eating in a garage?”
“Basically. We call it the shop.”
“Is there heat? It’s kind of cool outside, so we were wondering if we should dress in layers.”
I cleared my throat. The real me wanted to mess with her, but the part of me trying to be an adult fought valiantly.
Unfortunately for Iliana, the wrong part won.
“There’s no heat, and there’s no running water either, but I’ve got buckets if anyone needs to relieve themselves. I suggest pants that are easy to pull up and down.”
Iliana frowned but didn’t react the way I expected. Finally she asked, “Are there wipes? Oh! I bet one of the girls has some in the glove box. I’ll go check.” She excitedly sprinted down the stairs and used the newel post to spin her around toward the back door.
Dobby stared at me, clearly concerned.
Even the dog was confused.
If I told Scarlet she had to pee in a bucket, she’d tell me to kiss her ass and rent a porta-potty. Dahlia might take it slightly better, but not by much.
I grabbed my phone and opened the group text with Dixie and Mallory Dean, Matilda Duke, Penny Grissom, and Dilly Tempest from Colorado.
Me: If I told you we were going somewhere that didn’t have a bathroom, but I was going to make sure to bring along a bucket for you to pee in, what would you say?
The responses were immediate and unhelpful.
Dixie: What sort of place doesn’t have access to a bathroom?
Matilda: Are we visiting a third-world country? Are we stranded in the forest?
If we were stranded in the forest, I wouldn’t have thought to bring a bucket.
Dilly: Are you high right now?
Mallory: The better question is, why are you asking?
Me: Would it physically pain you to answer a fucking question without giving a guy the third degree?
Mallory: My, my. Somebody’s cranky.
Dilly: Sorry about my question, Memphis. It’s my go-to when someone asks a stupid question, and I wasn’t thinking. Any word on Harley?
Me: Nothing new.
Dixie: It depends on why I can’t just get in the truck and go to the bathroom.
Me: Don’t over analyze it, Dick. Just answer the damn question!
Mallory: Tell us about the women who moved into your house, and I will.
Me: Why did I think any of you would be any help? Why?
Dilly: You’ve always been as sharp as a marble, bud. No sense trying to change this late in the game.
Matilda: To answer your question, if you said we were going somewhere without a bathroom, I would tell you to have fun wherever you’re going and wash your hands as soon as you get back to civilization.
And yes, it hurts to try and not give you shit, but you see that I powered through the pain and answered your dumb question. I deserve a reward.
Dixie: The only way I would ever consider going somewhere that doesn’t have access to decent facilities would be if I was going on a covert op to rescue someone I love or if there was a possibility I might meet Post Malone. Those are the only two reasons I can think of.
Mallory: Ew. I knew you were switched at birth. That’s just ick.
I laughed out loud because it was obvious Dixie hadn’t been switched at birth–she and Mallory were identical twins. Sure, they had their differences, but they were few and far between.
Dilly: We still don’t know why he’s asking us this.
Me: I was planning on kidnapping one of you and keeping you in an abandoned well I found on my property. The one with the most reasonable answer is out of the running and won’t be considered for captivity. May the best woman win.
Dixie: First of all, what sort of dumbass kidnapper tells their victims he’s gunning for them? Secondly, try it and see what happens.
Matilda: Don’t dare him, Dixie! He’s a Forrester! You’ll end up putting the lotion on the skin and having to kidnap Dobby so he’ll let you out!
Dilly: Would you rather be stranded in a forest with a Forrester, Duke, or Tempest?
I sighed and turned my phone to silent. Even though I hadn’t gotten a real answer, the girls were now in a conversation all their own and could go on for hours arguing the merits of one family over another.
If I was going to be stranded in a forest with anyone, I’d rather it be a Tempest. They were all about nature and shit.
They even hiked on purpose. I didn’t get that at all.
“Are you freaking serious?” Erisa asked a few minutes after Iliana went back upstairs with a brightly colored package in her hand.
“What do you think?” I asked, not sure which part of my fabrication Erisa was offended by.
Cassia suddenly walked up beside her sister and crossed her arms, lifting those breasts I’d been trying very hard not to admire until they were all I could focus on.
My gaze shot up to her face when she said, “You want us to believe your house, which is sitting in the middle of an open field, has running water and electricity, but a garage that freakin’ big within walking distance doesn’t? ”
“I didn’t say there wasn’t electricity.”
“Focus, Forrester! You said there was no heat or running water.”
“I did say that.”
“Why would you lie about something like that?” Iliana asked as she stepped up next to her sister and crossed her arms in a perfect imitation. “That’s just rude.”
“I’m not sure why I lied, but why in the world did you not even blink at the idea of no indoor plumbing–and why do you have wipes in your vehicle for a situation like that?”
“We’re not strangers to roughing it, Memphis,” Erisa said with a dramatic eye roll before turning and stomping away. Over her shoulder, she called out, “I’ve peed in a bucket before.”
“Gross. Why?” I asked.
“Because we’ve lived in places that really didn’t have indoor plumbing, Einstein,” Iliana said huffily before following Erisa back to her room.
“I didn’t think about that,” I admitted. “But still. Gross.”
“You’re such a princess,” Cassia scoffed.
“Because I don’t like to rough it? Let me guess–you’ve pooped in a bucket too, right?”
“I’ve also relieved myself by squatting over a hole in the ground that smelled like the ass end of a dead wildebeest that had been baking in the sun for three days. However, we’re in civilization now, and my idea of roughing it is not moisturizing my face before I go to bed.”
“Wasn’t Pumbaa a wildebeest?”
“Pumbaa lived in the Hundred Acre Wood, genius.”
I scoffed. “You’re wrong, genius. Pooh lives in the Hundred Acre Wood with two kangaroos, a tiger, a donkey, a rabbit, and a pig. Pumbaa lives in Africa and sings songs with Timon the meerkat and Simba the lion while they feast on a buffet of bugs.”
“Do you know how unrealistic everything you just said is?” Cassia asked.
“How do you not know this stuff?” I asked.
“Refer back to the part of the conversation where I explained that I’d lived in Africa for years.
Now add the fact that I’ve lived in tents in multiple war-torn countries for more than half my life.
Do you think we watched television every evening while we waited for the microwave to cook our food? ”
“There’s no need for that much sarcasm in one tirade,” I muttered.
“Are your parents siblings?”
“I’m going to tell them you asked me that,” I threatened.
“I would tell them that their son is an idiot, but I’m sure they’ve already figured that out!” Cassia snapped before turning and walking away, muttering under her breath.
“Don’t talk shit about my brothers!” I yelled after her.
I couldn’t help but laugh when she raised her arm and flipped me off without turning around. I looked down at Dobby, who was still lying across my lap, and said, “I might just be a glutton for punishment, but I think this is gonna be fun, don’t you?”
◆◆◆
CASSIA