Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
ECHO
December 2000
D ustin and I have been keeping our distance from one another in public. I feel as if I’m slowly starting to lose myself to this situation. Maybe that’s what my dad was worried about—that I’d catch a case of puppy love and lose who I was to keep the boy. It’s crazy the opposite is what is causing it. Not being able to freely have the boy and the puppy love wears me down, changing me in ways I never thought possible. I hate it. I want me back.
The realization of it all finally hit me, and determination has since taken over. I’m not going to be ruined by this. I already walk on eggshells with my dad. Why does the rest have to feel like an impossible tight rope to balance as well? I start hanging out at Dave’s on the weekends with the rest of the youth, trying to find a semblance of my old self. But doing it makes me miss Dustin and his presence even more. His humor, the jam sessions they’d have, the play wrestling matches the boys would have…it’s just not the same without him there.
To everyone around us, Dustin and I are single. We made the tough decision to cut the world off from what we have going on. Denying his existence when I see him in the hall is one of the hardest things to do when my entire being feels pulled toward him. But it’s necessary and seems to loosen the vice my dad has on me. All I have to do is make him believe he’s won. Surely, we can keep the charade going long enough.
Tonight, my parents are gone to a Christmas party, and I just can’t pass up the opportunity to see my guy. Sometimes the risk is worth the outcome.
“I got a surprise for you,” Dustin says as he jumps in through my bedroom window.
“A surprise for me?” I ask as I walk up, pulling him in for a hug. “What for?” I hold him tightly, never wanting to let go.
“Do I need a reason?” he breathes against my ear, causing my body to shiver.
He pulls back and hands me a bag. I eagerly pull the handles apart to see what he got me. I giggle as I pull out the package. He found me a glow-in-the-dark Orion’s Belt to place on my ceiling.
“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe you found this. It’s perfect. I love it. I love you,” I say, throwing my arms around his neck.
“I love you, too,” he says against my skin, causing a ripple of goose bumps. He laughs at the effect he has on me as he pulls back. “So”—he glances up at my ceiling—“where ya wanting to put it?”
I climb on my bed, standing up. “Right above me so it’s the last thing I see before I go to sleep and first thing I see when I awake.” I extend my hand for him to join me. We stand on my bed and place the glow-in-the-dark constellation on the ceiling, right above my pillow.
“Did you know that Orion’s Belt is also called Three Kings?” he asks, rolling the sticky putty into a ball before squishing it to the back of the piece he’s holding.
“Yes, and it’s an asterism or a pattern of stars in the constellation Orion.” I’ve always had an unnatural love for astronomy. It’s so hard for me to grasp how vast and beautiful the universe is. I can’t understand how some people don’t believe there’s a God who created it all.
“For some reason, I always thought Orion’s Belt was the actual constellation. I never knew it was basically just a cluster of stars within one,” Dustin admits with a sense of astonishment. I stretch as far as I can without falling over. I hear him slightly snicker. He knows better than to offer to do it for my stubborn self.
“I think most people assume that.” I grunt from the unsuccessful stretch, then begin bouncing, determined to get the last piece up. Five jumps up and I nail it, hearing a sharp snap when I land. “Whoa!” I shriek as we both start to wobble as my bed buckles beneath us.
We collapse together onto the plush mattress as the foot of my bed crumbles to the ground, leaving it at a slant. My body starts shaking with laughter. Dustin lets out a laugh as well and I can’t help but take in how amazing it feels to just…be ourselves. It makes me wonder how amazing this could be if it was allowed to blossom on its own instead of being snuffed out like a controlled fire that’s run its course. I don’t know when I’ll have another moment like this with him. I don’t want to waste the few and far between times we are able to sneak in.
I roll on top of Dustin, and his laugh instantly fades, replaced with something else. I watch as his eyes turn from bright with amusement to dark with desire. He feels it, too. I push one hand through his hair as the fingertips from my other trace over his facial features, wanting to embed every inch of him into my memory.
His hands move to my back, rubbing them up and down in a reassuring way. I can feel his slight hesitation as if he’s holding back. I understand it because I feel the same, but I also don’t want the opportunity to slide through my fingertips.
“I love you, Dustin. I’m not sure of a lot of things in my life, but my love for you is certain.” I hold his gaze, feeling the same amazement I do about the stars.
“God, I love you,” he whispers, swallowing hard. His fingers graze my cheek before tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I watch the movement of his hand and see a glimpse of all the emotion he’s trying to avert.
I grasp his face between my hands, causing his arms to tighten their grip around me. Bending down to his ear, I let my words dance across his skin. “Please don’t hide your feelings from me. I want you to feel everything with me. I want to be your first and your last.” I keep my lips pressed against his skin, wrapping my arms underneath his neck, fully embracing him. I never want to let him go.
“Are you sure?” He pants as if he’s been holding his breath for an eternity.
I even my face with his, desperate for him to see how I feel. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.” His hands lock onto my hips, holding me tightly against him.
The front door shuts and we freeze momentarily. Then panic sets in and I swing myself off him, almost rolling off the broken bed. Dustin grabs me in the nick of time, keeping me from falling to the floor with a thud. I muster up a small smile as a thanks offering. I hear the keys hit the entryway table and my mom begins hollering my name.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Like a ninja, Dustin flips over and scales the incline of my bed. Careful not to break it further. With swift precision, he lifts the window and slides out with it half open. I climb up my bed and give him a quick peck before he turns to his escape route. Quietly, I push the window back down into place and yank my curtains shut right as my bedroom door swings open.
I flip around breathlessly as if I’ve been caught red-handed.
“What in God’s name happened in here?” my mom questions, eyeing my broken bed. “And why do you seem out of breath?”
My dad walks in behind her, closing the distance between them. His eyes go wide as they inspect my room, narrowing as he sets his gaze on me. When he doesn’t give me his own set of questions, I answer the ones my mom asked.
“Well,” I start, letting out a nervous laugh. “I was putting up my constellation.” I glance up, pointing to the ceiling. Their eyes follow mine. “And my bed kind of gave out beneath me.”
While my mom’s stance eases as her shoulders drop, believing my story, my dad’s posture remains stiff. “Why does your curtain look out of place?” He eyes Dustin’s escape route.
“Wellllll,” I say again, letting it drag out longer this time. “I’m sure my flailing arms caught it as my bed broke.” I want to sneer, shake my head, and say, Duh , but I also want him to believe me. I mean, ninety-five percent of the story is true.
His eyes stay affixed five beats longer than they should on my window while he plays out what I just said, seeing if there’re any holes in my story. He doesn’t say anything before turning away and walking out of my room.
Love you, too, Dad.
My mom walks over to me, assessing the damage. “The bed was kind of old.” She shrugs. “But doesn’t mean you should’ve been jumping on it. You’re not a kid anymore.” Her brow rises, and the corner of her lip pulls upward into a slight smile.
I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m still a kid at heart, Mom.” I smile, finally letting my body relax.
“Yes, I know.” She bends down and places a kiss on my forehead. “I hope you know how much I love you.” I think I do.
“Love you, Mom.”
My mom turns and walks out of my room, closing the door behind her. I can’t help but have a dreadful sense that I won’t be left at home alone anymore.