Chapter 13
KADENCE
“She doesn’t have a right to show up on my fucking doorstep and demand to see Kadence!” Annika yelled. She was my rock, because I couldn’t do this.
When I heard Blaize’s voice, I didn’t know how to react.
I wanted to cry, but I also wanted to leap into her arms. I was sick of my heart fucking with my brain.
The two of them needed to stop fighting with each other and learn to work together.
I was pissed at Blaize, and hurt. She traumatized me.
She deserved to feel an ounce of my suffering.
I got up off the couch and walked into my room, crawling under the blankets.
The tears fell like waterworks immediately.
I hated crying like this over her. She didn’t deserve my tears.
She deserved my anger. I needed to get back to the gym and spar with Drew.
We took a small break to rest my body and mind because the self-mutilation and over exertion from sparring wasn’t helping me heal.
Annika stepped into my room, and I looked at her. She was waiting for my consent, and I nodded. She quickly scurried into my bed, crawling next to me and curling her body around mine. I turned in her arms and sobbed into her chest.
I hated feeling like this.
This wasn’t the girl I was supposed to be. Kadence was supposed to be different from Caden, but one night detoured everything. I needed to get control of my life back again. This was something I needed. I was tired of letting everyone walk all over me.
“I hate this,” I whispered into her chest. “I hate that I still want her.” I pulled back slightly. “I hate that I wanted to jump in her arms when I heard her voice at the door.”
Annika’s hands brushed gently through my hair. “I know. Love might be beautiful, but it can also be a cunt at the worst times. It makes excuses for the pain because you want the love.”
“My heart is making up a whole lot of excuses,” I admitted.
“And what is your brain saying?”
I laughed. My brain was not the right thing to listen to either, right now. “My brain needs quiet before I give myself a three day grippy sock vacation.”
Annika fretted, irritation in her voice. She hated Blaize now. “Kadence. Don’t hurt yourself because of her.”
“I’m sorry, that was a bad joke. I’m not going to hurt myself, but I can’t keep dealing with these emotions.
I’m not mentally sane for this. I am fighting myself because a part of me wants to forgive her and the other part wants to forget she exists.
I just—I deserve consistency. I deserve love, but Blaize doesn’t deserve my forgiveness… not this soon.”
Annika rested her hand on my arm. “You can forgive someone, but still make them earn a place back into your life. I have a feeling you’ll forgive her, but that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy.”
She was right. Why should I make it easy for Blaize? Why should she be the only one who got to hurt someone? She wanted to be this badass so she could take the consequences of her actions. Blaize hurt me. So I needed to hurt her back.
Blaize was already cracking. I was ignoring her, making her writhe in her guilt. Now I could do something that would completely shatter her. Or at least hurt a little more. I didn’t think a woman like Blaize could be broken. If she knew I didn’t need her, then it would be perfect.