23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
Mia
I closed my eyes, the activity swirling around me. My mother was freaking out, following Tyler around the house, railing over his betrayal. Pasha was rushing to the bedroom to get the hospital bag. Grady was hovering somewhere, paralyzed.
Join the club, Grady.
“I don’t want this.” I shook my head. Once the baby was out, there’d be no reason to stay. My old life echoed around me in my mother’s rage, incoherent, impossible to ignore.
“Mother, stop! Stop!” I screamed the last word, but I kept my eyes closed until there was silence. When I opened them, I stared at her. “You’re not helping, and if you can’t help, you need to leave.”
“I don’t understand how this happened.” Laura groaned, scanning my figure from across the room.
“Please, Mom. You had me. You know exactly how this happens.” Gingerly, I moved toward Tyler, avoiding her.
“Either the baby is really early, or I’m missing something. The timeline doesn’t work.” Laura shook her head. “Why would you—why would you want a baby? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. ”
Laura’s tone was surprising, not accusing but mystified. I couldn’t answer her because I didn’t want the baby, had never wanted the baby, but Tyler did. And I wanted Tyler, so badly . Saying the truth felt like betraying him, bursting the bubble we’d built together in this town. He didn’t deserve to be hurt.
“Why did you keep me, Mom?” I’d never asked the question. Deep down, I’d been sure I wouldn’t like the answer. There hadn’t been a lot of love in our house. The words had been there, but I’d never felt them, never known what it felt like to have someone look at you and to know, beyond a doubt, they loved you. Now beside Tyler, I linked my fingers with his. Anytime my hand could slide into his, I drew on his silent strength.
Laura’s mouth opened and closed like a fish, and then she sighed. “Your father and your grandma Victoria said they’d help me raise you. They said I wouldn’t have to do it alone.” With her palms turned toward the ceiling, Laura’s face was filled with regret. “I did the best I could. I realize you don’t believe me. But I’ve been doing the best I can. I…I didn’t have a good relationship with my mom. Maybe part of me kept you out of spite, too. I don’t know. I was young. A bit of a romantic. And I loved your dad. But love is rarely enough.” She tucked stray strands of her hair behind her ears and stared at my hand linked with Tyler’s. “You can’t live off love.”
“I have bag!” Pasha declared, bursting back into the studio. “We hurry, hurry?” He made an ushering motion with his arms.
“There’s a camera crew out there,” Laura said, her voice quiet. “I don’t know why you haven’t told people you’re pregnant, but that would be one way for it to get out. ”
I turned and buried my face in Tyler’s side. He wrapped his arm around me without a word and stroked my hair. “Side door,” I mumbled.
“We’ll take the exit toward the parking lot. Grady,” Tyler said, focusing on him, “can you look after the crew?”
“Yeah, I’ll go regale them with stories of my recording glory in here with Mia. I can bring them in and play them a track or two. Don’t worry.” He glanced at Laura. “They’ll earn their money and stay out of your way.”
“Pasha, let’s go.”
I kept my face buried and let Tyler lead me to the side exit of the apartment. I didn’t know if my mother was following us, but there was a heaviness directly behind me, like the air was weighed down. “Is she coming?”
“She is,” Tyler whispered into my hair. “Want me to get rid of her?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t explain the push-pull I felt when it came to her. He squeezed me to his side and kissed the top of my head.
“I got your back, Mini. You tell me what you want or what you need, and I’ll get it done.”
In the parking lot, Pasha opened the back door for me and Tyler. Pasha glared at Laura and gestured toward her rental car. “You follow.”
Laura reared back. “There’s room for me in the front.” She peered down at me. “Why do these men think they’re in charge of anything? Have you been letting them railroad you?”
From inside the car, I sighed. Although my water had broken, there was only a mild cramping so far. The worst was yet to come. Annoyance at my mother bloomed. I didn’t need to manage her on top of what was coming. “Mom, take your rental. Follow us.”
“Oh, fine.” She threw up her hands and stomped to her car .
All things considered, she was taking the surprise pregnancy well so far. I had half-expected her to call the police…or the paparazzi.
“That could have been worse,” Tyler said, easing into the seat. “How are you feeling?”
“Terrified. Abso-fucking-lutely terrified. I wish they could just pull the baby out.”
“They can—it’s called a C-section.”
“Oh, there you go with your fancy online medical degree. Watch any YouTube videos on how to do that? Want me to pass you an X-Acto knife?”
“Careful now. I’m quite good with an X-Acto knife. Normally, I’m cutting fabric, but how hard can flesh be, really?”
“You two,” Pasha said from up front, “are too weird.”
“Come on.” I shifted in the seat, trying to find a position that didn’t make my back ache. Should I have changed my pants? I looked like I pissed myself. What a weird feeling that uncontrollable gush of water had been. Too late now to worry about it. “Embrace the X-Acto knife madness, Pasha.”
“Can’t.” Pasha shook his head, but when he met my gaze in the mirror, his blue eyes were full of laughter. “Too sharp.”
“Yes, very clever.” I grinned at him. “You made a funny.”
“Very funny,” Pasha said, wagging his finger.
Tyler chuckled beside me, and my whole chest filled, felt like it was overflowing. I snuggled in beside him, relishing the closeness, the hint of jasmine that seemed to cling to his skin. Why hadn’t he taken a lollipop out of his pocket? Was he that sure everything would work out?
When we pulled up to the hospital, Pasha jumped out to grab my bag. As Tyler helped me exit the car, I said, “You really want this baby? ”
Tyler’s brow creased, and then he leaned forward to kiss my forehead. “I really want this baby. You okay, Mini?”
“There’s nothing you want more?” I couldn’t help the hope in my voice. Pasha’s eyes were on me. His disapproval felt like a gardener spotting a weed in a garden of flowers, who believed they could pluck it with the intensity of their thoughts alone.
Tyler drew me into his chest, and his breath stirred the top of my hair. I’d wanted to see his face when he answered, to know for sure I shouldn’t ask him, suggest it, hint at it. Weed or not, the question had grown taller than the flowers, impossible to ignore. He couldn’t have me and the baby.
“I want this baby more than anything.”
I pressed my face into his shirt and clutched his arms, letting his shirt absorb the tears that were leaking. “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”
It turned out labor was kind of boring when it wasn’t painful. The lulls between contractions were both my favorite and least favorite. No one would willingly choose pain, but at least it gave me a focus. Otherwise, I was stuck in this private hospital suite sitting in silence with my mother or wishing desperately I could plead my case to Tyler.
Surely if he knew he couldn’t have both me and the baby, he’d choose me. He knew me. I was pretty sure he loved me, whatever that meant. He hadn’t said it, but no one had ever taken such good care of me. I’d been managed before by lots of people, but I’d never been cared for. Even if he didn’t love me, maybe I loved him enough to satisfy both of us .
My mother sat stiff and silent in the chair beside the hospital bed. Tyler was getting a coffee, and Pasha and a team of bodyguards were outside the door and in the corridors keeping everyone but David and Katie from entering the room.
In hindsight, I should have done some more research into different ways to give birth. Wasn’t this supposed to feel like an event? If I’d told people, I could be live streaming this right now. I still could—that would make it an event. Surprise! I’ve been hiding this for nine months. Aren’t I clever?
“So, you must have gotten pregnant at that stupid fundraiser? The one Grady insisted on.” Laura bit out the words as though it pained her.
“If the shoe fits.” I reached for an ice chip from the bucket and popped it into my mouth.
“I thought I taught you to be more careful than that.”
She had. If there was one thing Laura Malone had been adamant about, it had been safe sex. Not that Laura always had control over who I slept with. Her safe sex advice had started after the episode in Kenny’s office. A shudder washed over me at the thought.
When Cocksure Condoms had sent a boatload of samples, I’d never questioned the wisdom of using them. I got lots of free things all the time. None of them had ever gone this wrong.
“You know that lawsuit against Cocksure Condoms?”
“The huge class action suit?”
“Yep. I could have been part of that. What’d they get? A hundred bucks each in the end. Like that’ll cover a baby or whatever else people got from their defective condoms. Maybe I should offer to pay for other people’s baby expenses?” Grabbing my phone off the side table, I started an internet search about people from the lawsuit. Any excuse to avoid my mother. Helping them out would be good publicity. Win-win.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped you.”
The door opened, and Tyler strolled in with his steaming coffee clutched in his hand. Just the sight of him made my insides melt.
“Helped me? Helped me, how?” I wasn’t listening, the words an automatic reply. Instead, I was watching the way the muscles in Tyler’s arm flexed each time he raised his cup to his mouth. When the pain got really bad, there was a chance I might never want to have sex again. This wasn’t that moment. This desperate ache for someone could not be normal.
“Helped you get rid of it, obviously. The last thing I wanted for you was this version of your life. I would never have let you choose this. You’re twenty-one. You should be out with friends, making mistakes, kissing guys on dance floors, traveling the world, not changing diapers and tying yourself to one man for the rest of your life.”
Tyler straightened and stared into his cup.
I could tell her the arrangement, that I wasn’t raising the baby. Soon enough, she’d find out. Right now, she didn’t deserve to know. “Your mistakes aren’t mine.”
“Sure, they are—you’re making the same ones right now.”
“So, I was a mistake.”
“I didn’t mean to get pregnant with you, but you aren’t a regret. There is a difference.”
“Sounds like I’m a regret.” I sucked in a deep breath. “If we were still dirt poor in the middle of nowhere, would I be?” When we’d first hit it big, I hadn’t wondered, had never thought to wonder. But every time my mother had put the business ahead of my wishes, my well-being, I’d wondered.
Tyler laced his fingers with my closest hand.
“I do not regret you.”
I wanted to feel rage. That wasn’t an answer, not to the question I’d asked. Instead, a deep sadness settled. Telling the truth might stop the money train, might push us even further apart. “You haven’t been a very good mother.”
“Maybe it’s genetic. I didn’t have a very good one either.”
Genetic. Was that why I didn’t feel anything for this baby? Why the idea of being a mother was terrifying? Laura had always been able to tap into my greatest fears.
I’d be a bad mother, just like her.
Tears pricked, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. Tyler would be an excellent father. This baby would be loved. I hadn’t made a mistake. There would be no regret.
Opening my eyes, I hardened to my mother’s manipulation. “Did you really come to Little Falls to film my recording session?”
“Why? What did you hear?” Laura stiffened.
Tyler squeezed my hand, but I stayed focused on Laura. “What should I be hearing?” I’d been checking all my social media and Tyler’s for any sign of trouble. In the bathroom, before my water broke, I’d seen a photo of Tyler and Katie talking in the gym splashed across my feed. Of course, the asshole who posted it had tagged all three of us as though we were locked in some salacious triangle. All these randos bringing the drama, and none of them even knew about the baby .
They all thought we were holed up together. #LoveCave had trended. I’d spent that day screenshotting people’s ridiculous ideas and sending them to Tyler.
At least I wouldn’t have to turn over my memories of the last few months. I’d keep them close, never let anyone have them.
Laura narrowed her eyes, and she drummed her fingers on the arm of the chair, yanking me out of my thoughts. “This probably isn’t the right time to get into it.”
“I’ve got nothing better to do.” I pointed to my belly. A distraction from all these thoughts of Tyler might be a good idea. “The stubborn kid in here isn’t moving too fast. Entertain me, Mother.”
“It’s about Kenny Connors.” She arched her eyebrows. “Still want to be entertained?”
“Nope.” I popped another ice chip into my mouth and bit down hard. I was supposed to suck them or something, but I found the crunch far more satisfying. “That subject is not entertaining.”
“What about Kenny Connors?” Tyler asked. Idly, without looking at me, he stroked my arm.
“It’s private,” Laura sniffed.
“I hear the court case will be quite public, actually,” Tyler said.
His unimpressed tone was amusing. Being dragged into court would not be. A vise tightened around my middle, and I hissed in pain, squeezing Tyler’s hand.
Laura rose from her chair and peered over the bed. “You need to breathe. You gotta breathe through them.”
“Tyler…get her out of this room before I scream.” I gritted my teeth and tried to ride the wave or whatever mumbo jumbo David had spewed during our last appointment. Riding a wave sounded pleasant .
“I was in labor for thirty hours with you,” Laura said as Tyler called for Pasha.
Pasha’s grip on Laura’s arm was rough as he led her out of the room, her advice running over me without sticking.
“I don’t want to ask you if you’re okay, but I don’t know what else to say,” Tyler said.
“Say nothing,” I grunted out, releasing his hand to grip his forearm.
“Want me to read you random advice from some of my best doctor sites? They’re all the ones I used to get my online degree.”
The pain was easing, and my laugh was half pain, half amusement. “Sounds awful.” I gave him a sideways look. “And kinda fun. Only the funniest ones, okay?”
“Of course. I know the rules of this game.” Tyler drew a chair to the side of the bed and started searching his phone. “Ah, got one. You’re going to love it.” He took a deep breath. “According to this person, jumping can cause the baby to just,” he made a whooshing gesture with his hands, “fall out. How about that?”
I giggled. It was funny, but it wasn’t as funny as I was finding it. The more I thought about the ridiculousness of that advice, the harder I laughed. “Fall out? God, I wish that was possible. Jump. Done. How awesome would that be? What planet is that person on?”
“Oh, they aren’t the only one saying it. It’s stated more than once.”
“More than once?”
He turned the phone to show the list of advice for pregnant women.
My laughter rang through the room, and when our gazes connected, I loved the way his cognac eyes softened. “Tell me another one.”
“Give me a sec. ”
While his head lowered to search his phone, I gazed at him, overwhelmed with love. How had I gotten so lucky?
How had I been so stupid? I should have used five condoms that night. Layered them like T-shirts. Another streak of pain shot through, and I screamed.
“Watch your voice,” Laura chided. “You don’t want to strain your vocal cords.”
“Why is she back in here? Get her out! Get her out!” I could barely gasp out the words. The urge to push was overwhelming.
Tyler called for Pasha to remove Laura again as he stroked my hair.
“Stop touching me,” I panted, pushing Tyler’s hand away. “I need to push.”
“Almost,” David said from between my legs. “Almost.”
“I hate that fucking word,” I cried. “Use the vacuum. Just pull it out. Okay? Get it out. I want the drugs. Give me the drugs!”
“It’s too late for that,” Katie said from beside her dad at the foot of the bed.
I really wanted to tell her she could follow my mother out the door. We had a doctor. Did we really need a nurse? The one who, even in the middle of this, kept shooting Tyler those glances that set my teeth on edge, and they were already grinding pretty hard.
“Okay, we’re going to push,” David said.
“Oh, thank God,” I whimpered.
Once the intervals between resting and pushing started, I couldn’t think about anything except getting the baby out. I didn’t care how it happened anymore.
“One more good push, Mia. We’re almost there.”
“Again with that word.”
Tyler chuckled, and I glared at him.
He leaned down. “You’re doing great, Mini.”
“Sure. This whole thing has been great. So glad I agreed to do this.”
“And push. Come on. Come on. Keep going.”
I wanted to tape Dr. David’s mouth shut. Maybe staple it. Yes. A staple. Several staples.
A cry rang out in the delivery room. The baby . David passed the squirming, wailing ball to Katie, and she took it to the next room.
David had told them the baby would be cleaned and weighed in an adjoining space before being returned to them. Privately, I’d told David I didn’t want to hold the baby right away.
I lay back, afraid to ask what I’d had. I could sense Tyler’s anticipation. He leaned down and kissed my head.
“You were amazing, Mini. Just…wow.”
I closed my eyes and rested my head against the pillow. If the baby was a boy, it was a sign I should stay.
If the baby was a girl, it was a sign to go, to leave. I couldn’t stay, couldn’t take the chance I’d ruin her childhood the way my mother had ruined mine.
Katie came back carrying a bundle wrapped in pink.
My heart sank.
She stopped beside Tyler and gazed into the blanket. The longing spewing out of Katie was magnified by the baby. Tyler looked down at the parcel cradled in her arms, excitement lighting his face. Seeing them shoulder to shoulder, both of them happy and excited, it was like they were the family unit. Katie, Tyler, and their baby.
If it was possible for a heart to shrivel into nothing, that’s what mine was doing. Curling up and dying.
With exaggerated care, Katie passed the baby to Tyler. His arms flexed as though expecting a heavier weight.
“She’s so tiny,” he whispered.
“Seven pounds.” Katie smiled. “Two weeks early, and she’s still seven pounds.”
I stared at him holding the baby. Our baby. I should be happy, but all I felt was this strange mixture of love for him and grief over what had passed. We’d never be the same again. I couldn’t process it.
“A girl,” he murmured before looking at me. He searched my face, tenderness in his gaze. With his thumb, he wiped the tears falling down my cheeks. “You did it. You did it.”
No, I hadn’t. My body had betrayed me. The baby should have been a boy.
“There’s some paperwork to fill out,” Katie said, her fingers grazing the edge of the blanket to catch another glimpse. “Whenever you’re ready, Tyler.”
“Give us a minute, will you?” He glanced at Katie and then nodded toward David, who was puttering around the room.
She took a last look at the baby before following her father out the door.
“You okay?” Tyler used one arm to pull a chair forward. “You look like someone just shot your dog.”
“I don’t have a dog. ”
“Do you want to see her?”
I shook my head. The tears wouldn’t stop falling, but I didn’t care.
With the baby secured like a football in his arm, he leaned forward and touched his forehead to mine, our gazes locked. “I want to know what’s going on in there.”
“Nothing. Nothing.”
“ Never to each other.”
Neither of us had brandished that phrase like a weapon in months. There’d been no need for it.
“I…I—”
“Knock, knock.” Laura stuck her head in the door and then wandered closer. “I saw the nurse walk past with a pink blanket. So, the cycle continues, huh?”
“Get out.” Tyler rose and pointed toward the exit. “Get out of the room. Get out of the hospital. Get out of our town.”
Laura’s gaze flicked over Tyler as though she could care less what he had to say. “Only if my daughter asks. My daughter and I have things to discuss before I’ll leave town.”
I rubbed my forehead. “Mother—”
“All ready to do that paperwork?” Katie asked from the door.
With a sigh, Tyler passed me the baby. I drew the bundle toward me but kept my face turned upward, toward Tyler’s departing figure as he ushered my mother out of the room, his shoulders filled with tension.
In my arms, the baby squirmed. I pursed my lips and focused on the door. Come back, Tyler. Come back. I can’t do this. Come back!
When the baby made a noise, my gaze dropped to the blanket. The sight of her tiny features tore at my heart, left it in tatters. Her eyes were open, and even though I knew she couldn’t see me, I felt more seen than I’d ever been in my life.
A baby. My baby. My baby with Tyler. She was…she wa—
“I’m your mom,” I whispered. Tears spilled down my cheeks. “I’m your mom.” A sob escaped, and I clutched the baby tighter. “I didn’t want to love you. I tried so hard not to love you.” That same feeling I had whenever I saw Tyler had filled my chest when my baby stared back. How was it possible to feel this way?
Maybe it didn’t matter how. I loved this baby. I loved Tyler.
Now what?