Chapter 16
WILLIAM
I woke up groggy, my mind grasping onto the final relics of a pleasant dream, when a warm hand skirted over my bare chest. Huh?
My eyes popped open from the unfamiliar touch, which immediately had reality crashing down around me.
Nikita was lying there, naked, and she looked pleased. I turned from her cheeky, sinful smile and swept out of bed, picking up my scattered clothes and redressing at speed.
“Last night was a mistake,” I said, refusing to look her way.
“You say that every time, Will… Aren’t you tired of denying yourself, denying us?”
My lids closed tight as my brain reworked her words. I was tired, so fucking emotionally drained that I couldn’t take it anymore; the loneliness, the longing, the self-hatred, and dare I say, the constant begging for forgiveness from my son.
I felt selfish for even allowing the passing thought, but I couldn’t help feeling bitter from his no-show. I’d always known Colton was stubborn, but I never raised him to be cruel.
Vicious recollection surged forth, making me relive the disastrous day before. I was originally ecstatic, overrun with emotion at the mere thought of seeing my son, spending time with him, especially since I had such exciting news to share.
I had planned to tell Colton about his trust fund and the money I’d invested on his behalf, excited to make a grand reveal as I knew he’d be excited.
Nevertheless, our reunion was not meant to be. Every single moment since losing my wife, I had been consumed in misery. After the year I’d had, I truly believed that the worst was over. Until I fully accepted Colton not coming to Thanksgiving. That’s when I knew I hadn’t quite hit rock bottom yet.
I dropped down on the end of my bed, hands lifting to cradle my head, hesitant about how to proceed. Nikita and I were wading into uncharted territory.
I had given in the night before, willing to take what she offered in order to dull the never-ending depression. In that bleak moment, I chose the brief escape of sex. I chose myself. I just wanted to feel something other than pain.
However, in all our past encounters, Nikita had never stayed after. We would find momentary relief in one another, then act like it never happened, that our secret rendezvous never existed. And now that I was caught in the unknown, I didn’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry, Nikita, but I don’t know what to tell you. My mind’s a mess right now. I-I didn’t mean to take advantage last night—”
“You didn’t,” she interrupted. I felt the mattress dip as she slipped out of the covers and began to dress. “It’s okay, William. I wanted to. We both did. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re friends who are taking care of one another.”
“Yeah. Friends.” I cleared my throat. “I’ll walk you out.”
“At least let me help you clean up.”
I groaned, remembering the spoiled food and messy kitchen I had left in ruins. “I’ve got it.”
She came to stand before me, waiting until my gaze rose to lock with hers. Sincerity bled from her expression, with a healthy dose of empathy thrown in. “I insist, Will.”
The side of my lips kicked up in retaliation to her serious tone. “Well, then, if you insist.”
Nikita whirled for the door, not allowing me to get another word in. But I couldn’t help my innate manners as I called out my gratitude.
She just waved an errant hand over her shoulder before turning into the hallway. A minute before, I had been dreading the very thought of being left on my own once more. Now, all of a sudden, my morning didn’t seem so gloomy.
It took two hours to get the house cleaned up to its usual standard. Then one extra hour to rest and eat leftover cake. Nikita and I didn’t mention our intimacy the night before, agreeing to a silent truce, which I was thankful for.
I was beyond confused, which surely meant she felt the same, hence why we kept the conversation on light and unserious topics.
As our time came to a close, I was surprised to find that I was reluctant to let her leave. Despite some awkwardness, that morning was the most pleasant I’d had in a long time.
Nikita stalled in the doorway, handbag pushed up on her shoulder. “I’m serious, Will. Please call me if you have to. I know we haven’t been close as of late, but I do worry about you… In this big house all on your own.”
Warmth spread through me from her voiced concern. How long has it been since anyone cared for me? Or even worried about me? I couldn’t remember.
Before I could think too deeply, I shot forward and pressed a peck to her cheek. “Thank you… for caring.”
Nikita tilted her head. “I’ll always care.”
She turned for her car that was parked in my driveway. I followed behind to wave her off when something in my periphery caught my eye.
Splatters of colour littered my lawn, plastic reflecting brightly in the sunlight. Puzzled, I sank down to pick up a handful of lollies when realisation struck.
My palm was soon bursting with Beth’s preferred candy—and there was only one other person alive who knew my wife’s unique taste in sugary sweets.
Colton? He was here. But when?
I heard an anguished groan from a distance, as if someone was on the verge of going into cardiac arrest… until I processed that the sound was coming from me.
Please, no. Not again.
I raced inside, barely able to think straight as I launched for my phone sitting on the TV cabinet. I aggressively swiped at the screen, which remained blank.
Stay calm, stay calm. I wasn’t calm.
When I was about to throw the useless device against the wall in frustration, someone snatched the phone out of my hand and hit the power button.
I barely registered Nikita returning it to me when multiple notifications began flashing. Not giving myself time to breathe, I swiped the message thread open, and my world imploded.
I swore the universe was against me, or someone almighty fucking hated my guts, because how could I have missed all the signs—every single one?
There was no text received. Only two images documenting Colton’s miserable day—the day I thought he had given up on me.
Those photos were branded into my brain matter, each one more damning than the last.
The first was of a flat tire and deserted road, the place barren. I recognised the location and knew something must have gone wrong, as my boy knew how to change a tire from the age of six. Colton hadn’t deserted me; he was trying to relay why he was running late.
Despite that being bad enough, it was the second photo that had my soul evaporating into ash. Nikita and I stood at the kitchen bench, eating my wife’s favourite cake as we stared into each other’s eyes.
I only caught a glimpse of the incriminating image before the phone dropped from my shaking hands.
I tried lying to myself, thinking that the angle made the scene out to be worse than what it was.
Except, not long after he’d captured that moment, Nikita had kissed me with her chocolate-coated lips, and we subsequently fell into bed together.
Another distant cracking pierced through the silence, and it took me a few seconds to realise that the breaking was internal.
How much did he see? How long did he witness his father acting like a fool again?
That didn’t matter. The answer was loud enough. Colton had left his mark by haphazardly throwing that candy he’d bought all over my lawn. He wanted me to know he had seen. Colton wanted me to know he had been here and left—for good.
Oh, god.
My familiar friend, Despair, soon made himself known, offering to drown me in a weightless abyss as I came to terms with the fact that I had well and truly destroyed any last chance of reconnecting with my son.
Take me. Take me away from here.
On the fringes of consciousness, I could distantly process that I was lying supine on my living room floor, comatose and unmoving.
Yet there was one form of warmth, barely a flicker, but there all the same.
“It’s okay, Will. I’m here, I’ll always be here. I’ll always take care of you,” she said, voice soft and soothing. That’s the last thing I processed before I let darkness enter.