Fourteen
ZAC
SITTING on the bed with Alyssa across from me, I wait for her to speak.
This is uncharted territory for me. I’m not the one who usually digs and pries into a girl’s life, but Alyssa is different.
I want to know everything, but right now, the one thing I want to know is why she had a fucking panic attack after receiving flowers.
I also want to know who the he is that she seemed so fucking scared of.
When I got to her in that bathroom, I felt like my world was tipped on its axis. She looked so fucking broken and scared; all I wanted to do was hold her and put her back together. When she clung to me and wouldn’t let go, it destroyed me to see her so frightened. I never want to see that again.
“Sunshine, I need to know why you had a panic attack about the flowers.”
Keeping my voice soft, I try to reassure her that she’s safe here, that I would never let anything happen to her. As she looks me in the eye, I can see the tears starting to form. Her entire body shakes as she takes a deep breath in. It’s fucking killing me, seeing her like this.
Reaching forward, I lift her by her hips, placing her on my lap so she is straddling me. Cupping her face, I wipe away the tears that are freely falling and wait for her to speak.
Taking a few deep breaths, she looks me in the eye, pleading, “I can’t lose you. What if I tell you and you decide it’s too much, that I’m too damaged?”
I don’t know how to reassure her I’m not going anywhere. I try to show in my actions just how much she means to me. I kiss her under each eye, kissing away her tears before lightly pressing my lips to hers.
“Alyssa, I’m not going anywhere, and you are not fucking damaged. Understand?” My voice is getting gruffer as I continue to rein in my anger at whatever the fuck made her think she was damaged.
Nodding her head, she says, “Okay.” She takes another big breath in before she finally lets me in.
“I grew up in foster care, many foster care homes actually. My mum died when I was five. She didn’t have any family; it was always just my mum and me.
I don’t remember much about her, but I do remember that she was sick, like all the time.
I found out later that she died from breast cancer. ”
Alyssa pauses, looking for something on my face. She must not find the reaction that she expects, as she continues. “It’s why I don’t want kids; breast cancer can be hereditary and I can’t think of anything worse than leaving a child behind with no one to love them, like I was.”
I understand her reasons for not wanting children, however, I don’t agree with her that her kids would be left alone, or that she is destined to have the same fate as her mother.
“Sunshine, if you had kids, they sure as fuck wouldn’t be left with no one.
They would have me. Because, if you decided you wanted kids, I’m the only person you’re going to have them with.
” She opens her mouth to argue but I’m not finished yet.
Placing my finger over her mouth, I add, “Also, you don’t know that you will have the same fate as your mother.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the medical industry has advanced a lot since you were five. ”
“I know. I haven’t even had the gene test done yet to see if I have the inherited gene mutation linked to breast cancer.
” She looks down at her lap, twisting her fingers together.
“I figured if I don’t know, then I won’t stress about it as much.
Five to ten percent of breast cancers are thought to be hereditary.
What if I’m in that five to ten percent? ”
“Sunshine, you can’t live with that fear. You should get the test, and we will deal with whatever comes our way, together.”
I rub my hands up and down her legs, not sure if it’s reassuring her or me at this point.
“Promise?” she asks, looking so insecure.
“I swear we will always have a tomorrow together.” Leaning in, I meet her lips ever so lightly then sit back and wait for her to continue.
Shaking her head, she says, “Anyway. One foster home I lived in when I was fifteen, they had five other kids living there too. There was one guy—he was seventeen—always gave me the creepy kind of vibe, you know? His name was Steven. I did everything I could to stay clear of him, but he was always there, always staring at me. I knew I had to get out of that house, so I…” She trails off, looking away.
“You what?”
“I slapped the foster mum across the face, wasn’t my finest moment, but I knew it would be my ticket out. I was moved to a different home the next day, but not before her husband returned the favour and slapped me around a bit.”
I’m doing everything I can to not show the rage rolling through my body at the thought of a grown-ass man slapping around a fifteen-year-old Alyssa. I know my face must tell my anger as I clench my jaw. Alyssa takes in my face, placing her hands on my shoulders.
“I swear I’m not that child anymore, Zac. I don’t go around hitting people, really. I became a nurse because I wanted to help people.”
Shaking my head, I consider what she must have been like at fifteen.
“Sunshine, I couldn’t care less if you went around slaughtering people.
I’d have Dean and Bray bury the bodies for you.
I’d only ask that you don’t slaughter me in my sleep.
” I smirk at her, in an attempt to lighten the mood, even if what I say is one hundred percent truth.
The thought scares the crap out of me. I don’t think there is anything this girl could do that would sway my opinion of her. She doesn’t even realise the amount of control she has over me.
Smiling, she says, “Of course I would spare you. Have you seen you? I mean, if I slaughtered you, I might as well turn it into a murder-suicide, because life would not be worth living if I don’t get a daily dose of the orgasms you dish out.”
I’m laughing again. When was the last time I laughed so damn much?
“I will give you as many orgasms as you like,” I promise as I lean in and kiss her lightly. “As soon as we’re done with this talk, that is.”
“Argh. Okay. Well, I ran into Steven again at college, two and a half years ago. He asked me out, I declined, and I thought that was that.” And the rage is back.
I’m grinding my teeth in an attempt to hold it in.
“Anyway, he stalked me for six months before the police could catch who it was. It was Steven, my stalker was Steven.”
“What do you mean stalked you? What the fuck did he do?” I don’t think I can hold in this rage much longer; I want to find the motherfucker and bury him. “It started with roses. He would send roses. At first, without cards. No messages, just bunches of roses.”
Shit, her eyes are tearing up again, but I need to hear this.
I need the rest. Squeezing her thighs, I encourage her to continue.
“Then it was the messages. H… he would send me text messages from random numbers, but always describing what I was wearing and where I was at that time. Like he wanted me to know I was being watched. I never knew who it was. I guess he got bored with that, because the roses started coming with the same message each time.”
“What did the message say?” I ask, unsure if I want to know.
“It always said SLUT in bold letters. Then the text messages described what he was planning on doing to me in very detailed descriptions, right down to how he would choke the life out of me because, according to him, sluts like me were not worth the air they breathe.”
I take a shaky breath in, waiting for her to continue.
“One time, he broke into my house, stole every pair of underwear I had, and left a note on my bed.” She shivers, her fingers gripping the fabric of my shirt.
“It got to the point that I couldn’t leave the house.
I locked myself in the house for two months before he was caught.
The girls took turns staying with me, so I was never alone.
Then it came time for my practical placement at the hospital.
I had to go in. I knew I had to do my placement. I had worked too damn hard to get
to that point in my degree; I decided I would not lose everything I worked for because some psycho had a hard-on for me.”
“And then what happened?” I ask.
“Hospital security caught him when he had me cornered in the hallway of emergency, his hands around my throat… attempting to do just what he said he would.”
Shit.
“Sunshine, I didn’t know. You should tell me if anything I do is a trigger for you. I just had my hand around your throat and you didn’t say anything. Shit, baby, I’m so sorry.”
“Zac, stop. That was not the same. Maybe it should have triggered me somehow, but it didn’t.
Quite the opposite, I freaking loved it.
I can’t explain why some things trigger a panic attack and others don’t.
You are the first guy I’ve been with since Steven was arrested.
Even though that date Sarah pushed me to go on didn’t pan out, it did lead me to you. ”
Taking my hands into her own, she takes a breath, bringing her gaze to meet mine.
“I can’t explain what it is, but I feel safe with you.
I feel like nothing can get to me when I’m with you.
I’m sorry, and I will understand if it’s too much too soon for you.
I’ve never been this clingy type before. I don’t know what’s come over me.”
I can tell she’s nervous because she’s rambling. “Sunshine, cling away, because I’m not letting go. In
fact, you should stay with me for a while. We can go pack some of your stuff, and I’ll clear out some space in the wardrobe, or I can just order you new stuff.”
Alyssa laughs like I’m joking, but she stops when she notices I’m not laughing with her.
“Wait, oh god, you’re serious, aren’t you?” she asks.
“Deadly serious, babe.”
She shakes her head. “I’m not moving in with you. We just met like two days ago.”