Chapter 7 #2
Iris poked dubiously at the eggs. Even though they were yellow and fluffy and didn’t resemble anything close to fish eggs.
On the screen, a generic-looking man with a hangover tummy and round glasses moved into frame in his tweed suit.
“Did you just swim to the surface? Crawl from the depths of the Earth’s core? Come screaming through another dimension? Welcome. This is The Surface World: A History and Survival Guide.”
Iris’s eyes went wide, surprised such a thing existed. But also a little comforted that she wasn’t the only creature to feel much like a fish out of water—flopping around helplessly.
“In this series, we will examine the core behaviors of human beings: movement, communication, mating rit-uals, beliefs, and recreational habits …”
“Oh, B-roll,” Monty declared as the narrator appeared beside two human beings, naked as the day they were born, standing there with blank expressions as the man used a stick to point to the various points of their bodies.
The lessons went on from there. Until Iris not only knew the proper words for all human organs but also why so many felt shame at their nakedness.
She could hardly believe what she was hearing. The parts that made humans who they were—breathing, pulsing, needing—were considered … inappropriate?
It was no wonder they covered everything up in so much stiff fabric and scrambled to look away at the sight of nipples.
It was all so fragile, so performative.
She missed the salt and softness of merlife. The honesty of bare skin. The comfort of the water to carry you away when things felt too heavy.
And everything on the surface felt like too much to carry on her back.
“But more on this topic in Disc 7: The Laws and Lawlessness of Humans,” the narrator went on before launching into an explanation of strange human habits.
“I still don’t understand the human obsession with television,” Iris declared a few hours later, flopping back against the cushions, bored out of her mind.
Even if she had learned a lot.
“That, my sea fairy, is because you have yet to experience,” Monty declared, reaching for the remote control, “soap operas.”
“Why would anyone write an opera about soap?”
To that, Monty did nothing but groan and declare she would see soon enough.
To his credit, she was deeply engrossed in the make--believe characters within two episodes, no matter how absurd their storylines.
At some point, Iris was vaguely aware of Henry and Finn in the apartment but decided to ignore their exist-ence completely.
It wasn’t until Finn declared to Henry that he was going to take a shower before they headed out that Iris declared, “Don’t forget to thoroughly wash your penis.”
You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed.
It took every bit of control Iris possessed not to burst out laughing.
“Wh … what?” Finn asked.
Looking at him right then, Iris was pretty sure she understood what Monty meant when he said someone’s ‘flabbers’ were ‘fully gasted.’
Iris schooled her face into a mask of wide-eyed innocence mixed with genuine concern.
“Monty and I have been learning all about your anatomy,” she declared. “And it is apparently very important to keep your genitals clean. And if you happen to have a foresk—”
“I don’t … I, um—” Finn fumbled.
Beside her, Monty was hiding his laughter by pretending to preen the feathers under his wing, his body shaking enough to vibrate through the couch.
“I think that’s enough documentaries for today,” Henry declared, walking over to gather the plastic cases. “Or, possibly, all time.”
“Did I say something wrong?” Iris asked, pressing a hand to her heart, lips curving into a pout that would make her little sister proud.
The twin masks of shock on their faces were making it hard to keep her own features flat.
“Let’s just … not bring up the cleaning of one’s genitals from here on out,” Henry said, tone tight.
Iris was pretty sure she could read the regret on his face as he reached up to yank the collar of his shirt off his neck.
“Understood,” she agreed. “I was simply concerned for his well-being. I do so wish to have a healthy husband. Speaking of, how is your prostate?” she asked.
Finn looked about ready to faint right then and there—his skin pale, his brows pinched, and sweat starting to bead up on his brow and neck.
“I believe the procedure to check the health of it involves one inserting a finger—” she said, holding her pointer up then making a jabbing motion.
“All right,” Henry interrupted. His voice was too loud, and he clapped his hands hard enough to make Iris jump.
“Perhaps, from this point on, your education should involve immersing yourself in the surface world, not watching documentaries. That will … better help you understand … appropriate topics of conversation.”
“I would be happy to lead her around Manhattan,” Monty, recovered from his laughing fit, declared.
“Fine,” Henry said. “Just keep her out of trouble. And out of the tabloids. I’ll wait for you at the office,” he added, nodding his chin toward Finn.
He couldn’t get out of there fast enough, leaving them alone with Finn, who looked like he was still trying to recover from her comments.
He cleared his throat awkwardly and shook his head. “It’s all right. You’ll … pick things up pretty quickly.”
Iris was reasonably certain he was even less sure than Henry, before he turned and walked away.
“What? You’re not going to offer to inspect his manhood yourself to make sure he is cleaning it properly?” Monty asked when Finn was gone.
“Do you think it worked?”
“Making them think you’re barnacle-brained?
Maybe. But the important thing is, we are allowed to leave the apartment.
As much as I love penthouse living, we can’t deny this wonderful city the pleasure of my presence any longer.
You get some shoes. I will get some cash.
And then we are going to go have some fun. Without getting into too much trouble.”
Oh, she was looking to get into trouble. As much as possible, in fact, so long as she could maintain plausible deniability.
Finn had no idea what lengths she was willing to go to so she could find a man who didn’t want to try to dull her shine and turn her into someone she didn’t even recognize anymore.
She wasn’t just running from what Finn wanted her to be.
She was still searching for someone who would see all of her—tangled hair and loud voice and sensual gait—and think she was enough just as she was.