Chapter 8 #2
“So, what? His campaign manager thought a mermaid would help him get elected? Did he lose faith in the toothpaste ads disguised as campaign posters he has plastered all over the city?”
“Apparently, they don’t think a single man can win over a family-oriented candidate.”
“He’s probably right about that. But what’s in it for you? Most mermaids don’t want to be this far away from the water.”
“It seems Finn is promising to push through very strict regulations against pollution that is wreaking havoc on our oceans.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“I dunno. I thought Finn was already running on a green platform. Maybe I was mistaken. So, you’re just willingly here? I’d be kicking and screaming.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Run. Run fast. I’ll cast you a distraction spell and tell him you eloped with a troll.”
To that, Iris let out a laugh.
“Wow, that’s practically witchcraft,” Selene said.
“What is?”
“That laugh. I mean, your voice in general is hypnotizing, but that laugh is something else entirely. I half expect for the whole male population to come charging in here. And a quarter of the women.”
Iris’s gaze shot to the door, concerned. But no one even glanced inside.
“You said you’ve met other mermaids?” Iris asked.
“A handful, yes.”
“I thought we didn’t live in the city.”
“Live? No. Visit? Occasionally. Though, most of you come in with hats and sunglasses, trying to lay low. Especially Caprica.”
“Caprica,” Iris repeated, the name ringing a bell.
“Caprica Coraline. The author.”
“Wait, what? Caprica Coraline is a mermaid?” Iris asked, thinking of the stories in the royal library she’d read. They were some of her favorites. But it seemed like she’d stopped writing just before Iris was born.
“Of course she’s a mermaid. Don’t you have her books in your library?”
“Well, the ten of them in print.”
“Ten,” Selene snorted. “She’s written seventy-five books. And counting.”
“Seventy-five? Why haven’t I come across more?”
“Because Caprica came to the surface, what, twenty years ago. To stay for good. And she’s been writing ever since. I guess the books just never got, what, shell-bound and printed on … kelp?”
“Yes, exactly. Though, apparently, magic can be used to send books below. Finn did so for me.”
“Did he now? That’s surprisingly thoughtful for a robot.”
“I guess he didn’t get it done here.”
“I mean, I could do it. But this isn’t a spell shop. I sell books.”
“Why?”
“Why do you read books when your people are usually socializing or having lots of confusing mermaid sex?”
“Fair enough,” Iris agreed.
“My mother was one of those all-spells-all-the-time kind of witches. When I was old enough to go my own way, I decided to lean away from magic. Well, aside from the wards. And the spells to keep my coffee warm. And flip my book pages when I’m too lazy to do it myself.”
“Priorities,” Iris said.
“Exactly. So, if you’re looking for Caprica, she has her own section,” Selene said, moving out from behind the desk.
She didn’t know why she looked, but Iris glanced down to see a book sitting open and pages down on the counter. The cover was an illustrated couple standing back-to-back, arms crossed, in what had to be a clear hate-to-love rom-com.
Catching her looking, Selene’s eyes widened.
“It’s for, ah, research,” she insisted. At Iris’s scrunched brows, she rushed on, “About emotional manipulation and unrealistic expectations.”
Iris hid her smile until Selene was walking ahead of her through the stacks.
“Is this building spelled?” Iris asked as they walked deeper and deeper. So long, in fact, that it seemed impos-sible that they were in a normal Manhattan building—where everything felt somewhat narrow and shallow, but tall.
“It is,” Selene admitted. “It took me months to get the spell right. But there isn’t a single building in Manhattan that would be big enough to house all the books I wanted to be able to offer.”
She did have an enormous selection. Iris noted sections for each paranormal creature, with history texts, species--specific self-help, and shelves featuring authors of that species.
On top of that, she had every genre of fiction written by human authors. Though some of her labeling took some getting used to.
Swords, Spells, and Poor Life Choices was where all the Fantasy lived.
Space: The Final Tax Bracket was Science Fiction.
Plotless, but Award-Winning was what she called Literary Fiction.
And, perhaps Iris’s favorite was the New Adult section that Selene dubbed Apocalypse, but Make It Horny.
“Here we go. You get the comfy chair too,” she said, waving toward an oversized round chair.
“And I even have the newest Caprica right here.” Selene pulled a thick hardcover off a shelf.
“It’s actually about a mermaid. It’s the first time she’s written about one in her career.
Though, given your current situation, maybe you want to avoid all things gilled and free. ”
“I’m trying to sabotage my engagement,” Iris admitted, knowing she shouldn’t. But something about Selene told her that she could be trusted.
“Good for you. That’s my favorite section, by the way,” she said, gesturing over toward a three-bookcase-wide section: He Had It Coming. “Though, that’s usually when she ends up killing a dude who had it coming. I’m assuming you’re not going to murder the mayoral candidate.”
“He might be a walking campaign ad, but I don’t think he deserves to die for it.”
“That’s debatable,” Selene said, dragging a laugh out of Iris. “So, what’s the plan?”
“To make myself so undesirable from a political standpoint that he has no choice but to call it off.”
“Which lets you get off without being in trouble with the queen.”
“Exactly.”
“Have you made any progress?”
“Well, he looked about ready to pass out when I asked him about the health of his prostate this morning. That’s why I’m out in the city. Henry, Finn’s campaign manager, thought that immersing myself in the city might teach me more appropriate lines of conversation.”
“And, unfortunately for him, you ran into me. Someone who thinks helping to sabotage a high-profile political marriage is a public service. Do you want to stage a scandal? I know a guy. Actually, I am the guy.”
“I have some ideas. But I have three months, give or take, before the actual marriage.”
“Okay. Well, how many times are you going to see him between now and then?”
“Only constantly. After I poured my drink on him at our first meeting, my mother made me move in with him.”
“No way. Wait, don’t tell me there’s only one bed.”
“There’s only one bed.”
“No way. I would have thought with all the settlement money from the city, he would live in some giant penthouse or something.”
“He does live in a penthouse,” Iris said. “But there’s only a bedroom and a small office. My companion has claimed that as his own. What settlement?”
“Oh, huh. I thought that would have been in your welcome packet or something. Finn’s father was the D.A.”
“What’s a D.A.?”
“District Attorney. They prosecute crimes in the city. He was killed in the middle of a really ugly inter-species court case. Before she passed, Finn’s mom sued the state for not having better protections in place.
I mean, what good was a human security guard going to do when paranormals started warring in the courthouse?
“Anyway, the family was awarded a boatload of money. And, I guess, Finn is using a chunk of that to get his own seat at the table.”
She’d learned more about Finn from a stranger than Finn had told her himself.
“It makes sense, in a way, that he chose you, then, if you think about it.”
“How so?”
“Because if he is able to not hold a grudge against the paranormal communities in the city after all he’s lost—and is actually marrying a member of one—then those same communities should be able to trust that he will be fair to them.”
That did make sense. Even if Iris hated to admit she understood the motivations for him to force this engagement upon her.
“Anyway, back to getting back to hexing your happily ever after. Metaphorically. Or …” Selene trailed off with a warm smile. “I mean, say the word and I’ll summon three very inconvenient exes and a major scandal.”
“It has to be subtle,” Iris insisted.
“Not my strong suit, but I’m sure I can help you come up with a plan. Okay. You shop. I’ll plot the end of your relation—goddess, Gerty. It’s rude to walk through people,” Selene said, doing a whole-body shiver. “I’ll be at my desk if you need me.”
Where she would totally, absolutely not be reading that rom-com on the counter, Iris thought as she started to browse the books.
She got lost among the stacks for hours, trying to debate which books to buy and which she would have to come back for when she had more money on her.
Though it was a lot like deciding which child to leave behind, when she made her way back up to the counter, where Selene was bent over a notepad, dutifully writing a list while an enchanted pen doodled in the margins.
“This is it. I’ve got the ultimate sabotage—but make it discreet—list.”
“Let me hear it.”
“One. Be alarmingly honest. Especially in public. Say everything you’re thinking. Especially observations about Finn.
“Two. Develop odd human hobbies. Taxidermy comes to mind. Collecting antique dental tools or creepy dolls.
“Three. Make it musical. Break into sea shanties. Constantly. The raunchier the better.
“Four. Compose him love poems. Terrible ones. And then share them. Publicly.
“Five. Get really into human conspiracy theories. Secret alien laboratories included. Be very concerned about the rights of those fictional aliens. And swear that when Finn gets elected, you are going to get to the bottom of it.
“Six. Ocean puns. Constantly. Make it really embarrassing.
“Seven. Give him gifts. But make them unsettling. A pickled fish in a jar because it ‘made you think of him.’ Braid a lock of your hair into a shape that looks a little too much like a noose and leave it on his pillow. Or inside a heart-shaped box labeled ‘romance’ … I could keep going.”
Iris’s smile threatened to split her face. “You’re a mastermind.”
“Finally,” Selene said with a bright smile, “someone recognizes the brilliance behind my weaponized cynicism. We can … is he here for you?” she asked, nodding toward the front door.
Turning, Iris found Monty waiting for her. He might have been celebrity-watching, but he’d clearly also gone shopping. His wings were loaded down with bags, and he had a fancy tie hanging down his chest.
“That’s Monty. He’s that companion I mentioned. Your wards work too well on him.”
“All right. Let’s get you checked out. I’m going to stick your list inside the new vampire thriller you got. Guard it with your life.”
“Got it. Thanks for your help.”
“I’ll be here anytime you need to revise your plan. Or vent. Or, you know, buy more books.”
With that, after Selene handed her a tote bag with the store’s logo, Iris made her way outside.
Monty eyed her bag but said nothing as they started the long walk back to the penthouse.
“Hey, Monty?”
“Yes, my charming sea witch?”
“Where might I find vintage dental devices?”