6. Wilder
Wilder
Wilder spent the whole morning at work thinking about Merrick. He was driven to the point of distraction, finally giving up an hour before lunch and firing off a text message to his friend Justin.
Are you free for lunch?
Justin
I can be.
Please.
Just me or all three of us?
It was a fair question. His friend Justin had two husbands, Micah and Keith.
The three men had been committed to each other for years before Wilder met them at Rapture, and while he didn’t think multiple partners were something that would work for him in the long term, he admired the ease in which those three came to it.
Just you.
Tell me where to meet you.
Wilder picked a cafe halfway between his office and Justin’s house, then powered down his computer and headed to the car.
Traffic on the way to lunch was horrible because traffic in LA was always horrible, and when Wilder arrived, Justin was already there.
He’d gotten them a table and ordered Wilder an iced tea, which he appreciated.
Like him, Justin was dominant, but unlike him, Justin didn’t have to deal with the complexities of not being a top.
“You look distressed,” Justin said as soon as Wilder sank down into his seat.
“What gave it away?”
“Your eyes are a bit frantic.” Justin waved a dismissive hand in his direction. “And your hair is not quite as styled as usual.”
Wilder frowned and reached up, patting his hands along his hair to realize there wasn’t any product in it. Of course there wasn’t, because he’d forgotten to put some in after his shower…too distracted with Merrick in his kitchen making coffee.
“That’s fair,” he grumbled.
“So what’s wrong?”
“I met someone.”
Justin arched a brow and two seconds later, a waitress appeared, setting down a club sandwich in front of Justin and a Caesar salad in front of Wilder.
“How long were you waiting for me?” Wilder asked, unrolling his napkin to get to his silverware.
“Not long.”
Wilder cleared his throat, pushing some of the salad around before stabbing leaves onto his fork.
He and Justin were so similar in the ways they approached dominance that it sometimes scared him to see himself so clearly reflected in another person.
Dominance wasn’t something he’d ever had to work for.
It always came naturally and easily to him.
There were plenty of doms who wanted to posture and pretend, but that had never been Justin and it had never been Wilder either.
“Well, thank you,” he mumbled.
“Tell me about this someone,” Justin prompted, pulling a toothpick with a curly and colorful plastic top out of one of the quarters of his sandwich. “I’ve known you awhile now, and I don’t think there’s ever been a someone.”
“I went to Rapture last night, met him there.”
Justin huffed out an amused breath. “On a Wednesday.”
“I know.” Wilder let out a long breath and looked at his salad instead of his friend. “A free use top.”
Justin whistled.
“I know,” Wilder said again. “Free use top with a ball gag in his mouth and a strip of condoms by his thigh.”
He glanced up in time to see a huge smile split across Justin’s face.
“He was there for a couple of hours probably. I left before he did, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him.”
“That good?”
Wilder rolled his eyes. “Yes, but then he messaged me later in the night.”
“You exchanged numbers?”
“No. He’d posted an open invitation on one of the apps I use. I liked his post, and he must have been scrolling and realized it was me.”
Justin tilted his head to the side, giving Wilder a familiar look. “I hope you’re planning to get tested.”
“I get tested monthly anyway, you know that. And don’t be judgmental here. He was safe and so was I.”
“You’re right.” He held up his non-sandwiched hand in surrender. “That was not fair of me. So what happened after he texted you?”
“I invited him over.”
Justin nodded.
“I gagged him again at his request, he fucked me for well over an hour, then he fell asleep.”
“He stayed the night,” Justin said dryly.
Wilder managed a weak agreement.
“Four years I’ve known you,” Justin said.
“Yeah, yeah,” he interrupted.
“Never.”
“I know.”
“You’ve never let someone stay the night.”
“Believe me,” Wilder said. “I know.”
“Why him?”
“Because this morning when I got up to get ready for work, I told him to go make us coffee and he did. I knew he would before I’d even agreed to let him stay the night in the first place.”
Wilder hadn’t taken more than five bites of his salad, but he didn’t see any way he’d be able to finish his meal. He was still riding the adrenaline high from the night before—and the morning—and every time it waned, his anticipation for dinner with Merrick surged to fill the opening.
“Oh, you like him.”
“I don’t even know him.”
Justin laughed, a constricted sound in the back of his throat. “I didn’t know Keith at first, when Micah started to bring him around, but that didn’t change how I felt about him.”
“That’s different. You had Micah influencing you, and you’d do anything for him.”
“I opened our marriage for him, but I only opened our marriage because it was Keith,” Justin said with a slight shrug. “It was right. Is this…what’s his name?”
“Merrick.”
“Is Merrick right?” Justin asked.
It felt ludicrous to answer yes. He hadn’t even known the man for more than eighteen hours, and most of that time was spent asleep or apart, but there was no denying the gentle pull he’d felt the first time he walked into the playroom or the more violent tug when Merrick had stripped down so freely in his living room.
Not to mention the sound of Merrick’s voice in the morning over coffee.
It was a shame he didn’t seem to enjoy speaking freely, because Wilder could certainly get used to the sound of Merrick’s voice.
“He’s coming over again tonight,” Wilder confessed.
Justin smirked and shoved some sandwich into his mouth.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m not looking at you like anything.”
“I’m going to actually talk to him tonight,” he said. “I don’t want things to go any further if he’s not…”
“Submissive,” Justin filled in. “He made you coffee this morning.”
“I asked him to. Suggested it.”
“I bet if you let him stay the night again, he’ll do it tomorrow morning of his own accord.”
Something that felt a lot like want exploded in the middle of his chest. Wilder rubbed his sternum, shaking his head and trying to force a disagreement.
“It’s too good to be true.”
“Doesn’t sound like it.”
He leveled a look at Justin across the table, but it didn’t faze his friend in the slightest. If anything, it encouraged his behavior. Justin smirked at him again, all innocence.
“Why is it so hard to believe that something good might have just fallen into your lap?” Justin pressed him.
“Was that what it was like with Keith?”
“God, no.” Justin leaned back and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I mean, sort of, but Keith came with a lot of baggage. It was always good, but not always easy. Micah was both.”
“Micah still is easy,” he teased.
“For Keith, sure.”
Wilder grinned, then sobered. He stared down at his salad, knowing he needed to eat if he wanted to stay awake to see Merrick later in the day, but with the workday between them, the potential realities of what he was walking into weighed heavy on his shoulders.
“Where did you go?” Justin flung a French fry across the table at him.
It landed in his salad and he ate it, finding the greasy potato much more enjoyable than his salad.
Justin must have sensed the preference, rearranging their plates without asking so his fries were in reach.
Wilder took another one and ate it, then another, and another, and his appetite was back and he finally dug into his salad.
“I love your relationship,” he finally said, “but I don’t think I could do it myself.”
“A lot of people couldn’t.”
“So what am I doing letting a man who advertises himself for free use spend the night with me? Why am I inviting him over for another go?” Wilder asked.
“Because he made you feel good?”
“Yeah, but—”
“No,” Justin cut him off. “Don’t try to disqualify it until you’ve had a proper conversation with him.”
“Stop being reasonable,” he grumbled.
“Dinner tonight?” Justin asked. Wilder nodded. “Dinner at the table and talking on the couch. Clothes on, yeah?”
“Obviously.”
Wilder took consent seriously, and even the way he and Merrick had negotiated things the night before had been a little too deep in the gray area for his liking.
He preferred those conversations to happen with a clear mind and a level head.
Table and couch, though he could get fucked on either if he wanted to.
No.
“It’s okay to like someone,” Justin told him. “It’s okay to want someone without reason.”
Wilder took another aimless bite of his salad, appetite slipping again. He’d fought his way through half of it, and that would have to be enough to carry him through the rest of the day.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You just did,” Wilder muttered.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
That was enough.
Wilder shoved his plate into the middle of the table and folded his arms in front of his chest. Across from him, amusement colored Justin’s face.
“Don’t look so smug.”
“It’s nice to see another man fall.” Justin lifted his arm and lowered it like the gate on a toll bridge. “Nice to not be alone in it.”
For years, Wilder had observed Justin’s relationship with Micah and Keith. Sometimes he was jealous of it, and other times he’d been scared of it. Finding himself faced with a similar sort of experience, Wilder was firmly grounded in the fear category.
There was a sort of loss in relationships, at least that was what he’d always thought.
It was so easy to lose yourself in another person.
Even as a dominant, especially a dominant, it was a slippery slope to consumption.
But Justin had been consumed, fully and whole by Micah long before they’d even met Keith.
Micah loved to tell the stories to anyone who would listen, the way Justin came into dominance because it was what Micah needed from him, the way Justin saved Keith’s life, the way he’d built a home strong enough to hold all three of them.
Justin was consumed by his partners, but not lost.
And because of that, Wilder knew it was possible.
He thought of Landon and Gregory, the owner of Rapture and his husband.
Landon, who was one of the strictest submissive men he’d ever met, only empowered by his relationship with Gregory.
And Gregory, who took so much responsibility and ownership to ensure Landon had what he needed in their dynamic, and Gregory was still very much himself, his own person.
Maybe, Wilder wondered for the first time, his last relationship had failed because it hadn’t been right.
Chase was handsome and willing, and he was fun and sweet, but he was always a step out of Wilder’s reach.
Chase held his heart in his hand, walking backward from Wilder from the first day they’d met.
He’d said Wilder would come after him if he wanted it enough, and Wilder did, but it was never to the finish line.
For Wilder, dominance and submission wasn’t about one partner ordering the other around.
It was about understanding needs and serving them preemptively.
He could easily brew his own coffee in the morning just as he could be the one to make it for his partner.
It wasn’t inherently a dominant or submissive act, but the intention behind it served a purpose either way.
It was like a dance, in most cases, and he missed the pull of it.
Wilder enjoyed the domestic elements of power exchange as much as he enjoyed the sexual aspects of it.
And he reminded himself Merrick had made him coffee based off a suggestion after their first night together.
He’d had to ask Chase for coffee every morning until he’d given up and made it for himself.
“If he makes me coffee tomorrow morning, what do you want?” Wilder asked, resigned.
“Nothing major. I just want you to give him a chance.” Justin’s eyes sparkled, his expression smug. “Give yourself a chance.”