Chapter 24
Nate refilled her coffee mug from his fancy machine and checked on the gingerbread baking in his oven.
The house was filled with the scent of Christmas, and the dining table was already laid out with all the things that Conner and Ellory would need to decorate the gingerbread house when they got back from school.
Four empty mason jars were lined up along the breakfast bar where Casey sat on a stool.
She had just finished giving her brother the G version of her blossoming romance and now he was stood by the stove, stirring a saucepan bubbling with homemade cranberry sauce, looking decidedly buoyant.
It had snowed intermittently for the last few days, but the ground was too wet for any of the fat white flakes to settle.
She hadn’t seen Ajay since their date; they’d both been working and led busy lives and she was okay with that.
She’d been to watch both Ellory’s and Conner’s school Christmas plays and somehow been roped into working a stall at Sylvie’s holiday fundraiser for the local food bank.
Meanwhile Ajay had had his hands full getting Jared enrolled at the local college and taking him gift shopping ahead of Tanzie’s visit.
But they’d messaged and talked on the phone, and it was going at a pace that she felt comfortable with.
“How are you feeling?” she asked Nate now. She’d been checking in with him frequently even if only by WhatsApp message. As much as she didn’t want to annoy him by constantly asking, she simply couldn’t take the risk of hiding behind their stiff upper lips and hoping that everything would be okay.
“I’m feeling good; on more of an even keel.
The antidepressants are helping, and I’ve had no side effects thankfully.
To be honest, I felt better as soon as I’d off-loaded to you that morning, but”—he raised a hand when he saw that she was about to interject—“Theresa and I have decided that we’ll keep going with twice-weekly sessions until the end of January and then see about whether to drop down to one a week after that. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I obviously do.”
“Remember when you said I was squashing you?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at her but carrying on quickly before she could jump in.
“I think maybe we both need to cut each other some slack in that regard. I was stupid to stop the therapy before. I think I got it into my head that competent adults shouldn’t need help, but part of my responsibility as a parent is to stay healthy for my family.
That decision was on me, and I learned from my mistake. ”
“I hear you, but I can’t just switch off my concern.” The images from the glimpses were still fresh in her mind.
“I know, and I’m grateful that you care, but I’ve got this. And for my part, I am going to stop mollycoddling you because, as you rightly said, you are a grown-arse woman, and you can take care of yourself.”
“Thank you.” She smiled. She would still worry about him because he was her brother, but a concerted effort by both to give each other space felt like positive change.
“Obviously, I’ll run Ajay out of town if he hurts your feelings,” Nate added, and she laughed.
“I would expect nothing less.”
“He seems like a good bloke. I’d almost given up hope of you ever dating again; I kept waiting for you to announce that you were taking holy orders and joining a convent.”
“Nah,” she replied. “I don’t have the bone structure to pull off a wimple.”
“True. Although you do have the same haircut as Maria Von Trapp.”
“Watch it, or I’ll turn your curtains into lederhosen.”
“Sooooo…” Nate let the word drag. “I asked Penny out.”
“You asked Hot Penny out on a date? That’s great news! I’m proud of you, bro.”
“Well, you know what, you inspired me. I figured if someone as fucked-up as you could put themselves out there, then so can I.”
She laughed. “Thanks, man, really appreciate it.”
“From the heart,” he said, dipping his head and laying a hand on his chest.
“Come on, then, spill the tea on Hot Penny—not literally of course…”
“For a start, you need to stop calling her ‘Hot Penny’! It could get embarrassing if I ever bring her here.”
“Ooh! Already looking to the future, huh? This is a good sign,” she teased.
He threw a wet dishcloth at her face, which she swerved, and it slapped wetly on the worktop beside her.
She picked it up and plopped it back into the sudsy sink.
“Seriously, though, I’m really happy for you.
It feels like a step in the right direction. ”
He nodded. “I feel good about it. I’ve been talking a lot of things over with Theresa. Things can get intense if you leave them in your head too long.”
“Like teabags stewing in a pot,” said Casey.
“Exactly like that.” He smiled. “Have you ever thought about becoming a counselor?”
She smirked at him. “I wouldn’t want to put Theresa out of business. Does Hot— Sorry, does Penny know about Grace?”
“Yeah. We’ve talked a bit about it, at the school gates and sports days and stuff, not in depth, but you know…She’s had her fair share of hard times too.”
He was thoughtful for a moment, and Casey knew better than to try to fill the silence.
This was how her brother steeled himself to say the things he might otherwise keep to himself.
How he was still, one stitch at a time, unpicking the years of pressure that insisted boys and men should be stoic and impenetrable, that emotions were weakness.
“I knew that the firsts without Grace would be the hardest: first Christmas, first birthdays, first Halloween,” he began. “But when the seconds came around and they were easier, I started to hate myself. Like, how dare I find being without her easier to bear. What kind of person did that make me?”
Casey wanted to interject but didn’t because his pain was his own and she wanted him to keep talking.
“I started to panic that I would forget her, like things being easier meant I was erasing her somehow and I didn’t want her to be gone.
And the guilt was…it was physical, you know?
I’d started to feel like I didn’t deserve to have the kids and you and Sylvie and Ken because how could anyone so ungrateful deserve such good things?
And then the worry took hold. Because if I didn’t deserve them, then maybe they’d be taken away from me too, just like Grace was.
Maybe death took her because I didn’t appreciate her enough… ”
Casey’s blood ran cold. Her brother had been personifying death like it had a personal grudge against him. When she spoke, she chose her words with care. “You must know that Grace’s death was a terrible, awful accident and that it was nothing you’d done. You do understand that, don’t you?”
Nate was quiet for a beat. “I do. The sensible part of my brain always did,” he reassured her. “But sometimes the irrational thoughts shout louder.”
She nodded. “I get it.”
“I should’ve done something about it sooner, spoken to you, not stopped seeing Theresa.
Turns out, burying your head in the sand doesn’t make your problems go away.
” He raised his eyebrows and smiled sheepishly.
“Bottling it all up just caused everything to become distorted. I started seeing danger everywhere, as if the whole bloody world was set up to kill us like a real-life Final Destination. It got to where I could track the steps that it would take for any situation to go from safe to fatal.”
“Bloody hell, Nate. I had no idea. That’s why you made the kids quit their sports clubs.”
He laughed at himself self-deprecatingly and rubbed his hands over his stubble. “You saw pommel horses and goalposts; I saw collapsed lungs and broken necks.”
She puffed out a long breath. “Sucks to be you,” she deadpanned. Nate flicked her the bird. “Would you do me a favor?”
“If I can.”
“Don’t hide things from me. I know you look at me and see your daft baby sister living in a log cabin at the bottom of the garden, but I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need protecting from difficult things. I want to be someone that you can trust—”
“I do trust you,” he protested.
“I don’t mean with Conner and Ellory; I’m talking about your feelings.”
He pulled a face. “Even hearing it gives me the cringe.”
“Yeah, well, better to cringe and talk it out than keep it all in and end up psychotic.”
“Harsh.”
“Fair.”
“All right,” he said, smiling. “From now on, the only thing I’ll be bottling up is my gingerbread gin.”
Casey rolled her eyes. “Does Hot Penny know how much of a dweeb you are?”
Nate grinned. “She’s already asked me for my whiskey marmalade recipe.”
“You two are made for each other.” She laughed, and then, becoming serious, she said, “Thank you for sharing this with me, I know it doesn’t come easy.”
“It doesn’t. Thank you for listening.”
Nate had always been the epitome of a big brother: responsible, protective, and ready to jump in with both feet to fix her problems. In these last few years, she had felt grateful to finally be able to support him in some small way, but still, in the aftermath of Grace’s death, Casey had put Nate’s drive for proactivity down to capability through adversity.
It was easier too, to assume that he was fine than to take on the uncomfortable task of delving deeper.
That was on her, and she would have to sit with the uneasy truth of it.
As she lay down on her sofa back at the cabin to try and grab forty winks before her shift began, she determined never to let feeling awkward stand in the way of doing the necessary thing again.