Chapter Fifteen
Chris
“The problem is,” my dad started, “is that there is no how-to book on life.”
“Tell me about it,” I said, grabbing another beer. “They have all of these books on parenting and loss, but damn. What are the rules?”
Dad chuckled. “When it comes to love, there aren’t any. What I’ve learned from being married is that there are ups and downs. It’s an ebb-and-flow kind of system. Things get hard—sometimes so hard you might want to give up. But?—”
His words hit me like a massive aftershock. “You wanted to give up with Mom?”
“But”—he shook his head—“you don’t. Because at the end of the day, you always gain a new understanding. A clarity or confidence, if you will—that things will work out if you put in the work. All relationships are work. Being a parent, a lover, a spouse—day in and day out, you try to do better than the day before.
“For me, nothing compares to the feeling of becoming a father to you and Savannah. It’s a different love than the one I share with your mom, but it’s just as strong. Unbreakable, ya know? And I’m so happy you’ve found that with Emily.”
“I love her so much. After I lost Kayla, I thought I’d never get over it. Especially for Hudson. I couldn’t even fathom dating or bringing someone into his life because it would never be the same as it was.” Dad silently contemplated my words as he sipped his beer. “When I met Emily, I had no idea how everything would change. It’s like a part of me came back to life. And I feel so lucky that she and Hudson have become so close.”
“It seems to me that you’ve found the missing piece to your puzzle,” Dad said with a smile.
“I’ve been waiting and thinking about what’s next. I don’t want to move too fast. But I also don’t want to wait. I feel like we're ready for anything. Everything. But I don’t know. Life is so unpredictable, and I know how quickly something can be taken away.”
“You can try to be prepared all you want, Chris. But you’re right. Nothing is guaranteed. Things are never just black and white, no matter how bad we want them to be. There’s always that one squirrely shade of gray that pops up and throws us off balance. There are painful things in life. But don’t let them overshadow the beautiful parts. Because those parts, the ones you never imagined would be possible again, the moments you never saw coming . . . well, those are the ones you truly live and breathe for.”
Releasing a deep sigh, Luke lifted up on all fours. He stretched his butt back and gave a huge shuddering shake. Dad chuckled when Luke planted his chin on his knee and looked up at him with those huge brown eyes that said, “Please love me.”
“He really is a great dog.”
“He is now. For a while there, he was the son of Satan.”
Dad howled with laughter and ruffled Luke’s head and ears.
“Thank god for Emily.”
“So not only did she save you, but she saved Luke too.”
“She saved me from wringing his neck.”
Luke gave a gigantic yawn and another shake before traipsing into the other room to find someone else to give him attention.
We settled into a companionable father-son kind of silence and watched Mom, Hudson, Emily, and the dogs from the kitchen table.
The comfort of home, the love of family, and the smells, colors, and music of Christmas surrounded me. Moments like this were not to be taken for granted. I knew that. Contented relaxation washed over me like a cozy blanket. It was the holiday season, but it was also my family who brought me the kind of joy every man wished for.
I was one lucky SOB, and as Emily’s eyes caught mine, I thanked the heavens and stars above for every blessing I’d ever received.
The twinkling look Emily sent me had my thoughts spinning years into the future, and the movie my mind played was one I wished I could make a reality.
Emily’s light snoring wasn’t keeping me awake, but it wasn’t gently rocking me to sleep either. She was knocked out beside me, probably already dreaming of sugarplums.
I didn’t blame her for falling asleep right when her head hit the pillow tonight.
Savannah flew in earlier, and with it being Friday night and all, we all stayed up way past Hudson’s bedtime.
Other than the rhythmic sounds of her inhales and exhales, the house was quiet. I should have been off in dreamland, too, but my mind refused to turn off. As tired as I was, I couldn’t relax. Slipping out of the covers, I threw on a sweatshirt and pants.
The blackness outside reminded me how cold it got at night, but in here, I was cocooned in the warmth and comfort of home.
Quiet as a mouse, I tiptoed to the kitchen. Maybe sneaking off for a midnight bowl of ice cream wasn’t the most logical solution to cure my insomnia, but my mom’s homemade cookies were calling my name.
“Whatcha doin’?”
“Fuck!” I yelled, spinning around with the ice cream clutched guiltily to my heart. “You scared the shit out of me, Sav!”
Savannah hadn’t laughed so hard all night.
“You can’t sleep either?” I asked, pulling two bowls from the cupboard.
“Nope.” Wrapped in an old sweatshirt, her hair tumbled out of the messy bun on top of her head. Her eyes were tired, but her smile took me back to the days when we were kids, sneaking into the kitchen for Mom’s cookies after she and Dad went to bed.
“You doing okay?” I slid the tin of goodies to her.
She shrugged, pushing at the loose strands that framed her face. “I’ve been better. It just sucks. More so now because it’s Christmas. And then New Year’s.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she mumbled, taking the spoon I handed her.
Just like we did when we were little, we broke up our cookies into pieces and dropped them on top of our ice cream.
“You didn’t turn off the lights?” The soft glow of the Christmas tree lights cast a colorful merriness from the living room.
“I like it. It makes it feel cozy in there. Peaceful even.”
“Are you sure the couch is okay?” I bought a new fold-out couch for visits when she came up with my parents.
“For the hundredth time, yes!” she said. “I would have told you a couple of weeks ago if there was anything wrong with it.”
“I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” We both scooped up a spoonful of creamy vanilla ice cream and a bite-size piece of Mom’s famous oatmeal cookies.
The faint scent of sugar and cinnamon floated up and hit our tongues simultaneously.
“You can’t sleep because you’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” I asked, breaking the silence.
Sav paused, her spoon halfway to her mouth. She sighed and set it down, her shoulders slumping slightly. “Yeah,” she admitted.
“You deserve so much better than him. I didn’t know him well, but you are worthy of someone who knows what he has when he has you. I hate that he hurt you, but you’re better off without him.”
“I agree.” She released a heavy sigh. “I didn’t intend to care about him as much as I did. Work and school were—are my priority. I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I didn’t think I was either. I don’t know. Maybe it’s hitting me harder because I don’t have you and Hudson around to distract me as much.”
“You’re blaming me?” I asked, smiling a little.
“Well, yeah.” Her lips curved up.
“I miss you too, Sav. But don’t let some loser make you question your worth.”
“I know, I know. I look at you and Emily, at what you two have found together, and think, ‘Wow.’ You know how lucky you are, right?”
“Damn straight.”
“Seriously, Chris. She’s great. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m really happy too.” As happy as I was, I knew my sister was hurting. She was doing her best not to let her breakup ruin our time together, but her feelings were valid. Pain didn’t care who it affected.
“I’m so sick of guys. Why don’t things work out?”
“Savannah, I’m the last person to ask.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—shit. I know you were dealt a crappy set of cards, Chris.”
“You know you’re the one who got me through it. Mom and Dad did their best, and I couldn’t have done it without them either. But you? You were exactly who I needed after Kayla died.”
“Who would’ve thought that as much as we fought when we were little, that we’d end up being this close?”
“Mom,” I said. “You know she used to tell me not to be so mean to you because one day you would be my best friend.” I chuckled as my mom’s words echoed in the back of my mind. “And I’m glad she was right, Savannah. You are my best friend.”
Savannah pitched forward and hugged me. She rested her chin on my shoulder; the familiar weight reminded me of all the times I’d comforted her when we were younger. “I love you, big brother.”
“I love you too.”
“Thank you,” she said when she pulled away and scooped another spoonful of cookie and ice cream into her mouth.
We stayed quiet as we finished our midnight snack. We didn’t need any more words. As it had been many times before, the comfort of being together was comfort enough.
Christmas Eve magic was upon us.
Hudson was tucked in bed, waiting for Santa to come.
We’d peeked in on him just as he closed his eyes. Try as he might, he fell asleep before the reindeers’ hooves hit the roof.
I took a moment to soak everything in. My family was here. So was the woman I loved.
And tomorrow, we’d celebrate the first of many more Christmases to come.
The festive glow of the twinkling lights, the faint aroma of pine from the tree, cinnamon-scented candles, and hushed laughter coming from my parents and sister. Yes, this was the kind of magic I loved about Christmas.
I picked up my dad’s old pair of boots and thought it would probably be the last year I’d do this. Hudson was old enough to know the truth about Santa, but I loved the memories I had from every other year I’d done this exact same thing.
I hoped he’d amuse me with his continued belief but knew he might be “too old” to pretend anymore.
“Chris, you’re being ridiculous,” Savannah said from the kitchen. “Of course, he knows Santa’s not real.”
I stuck my tongue out at my sister. “One more year. We’re in a new house. I want it to be special. It’s tradition.”
Emily’s eyes sparkled as she walked to me. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. “I think it’s sweet,” she said. “And I think you look really sexy in your Santa hat.” She poked the fuzzy white ball hanging over my forehead.
“Thanks.”
She looked more beautiful than anyone had the right to look on a cold December night even if she was my sister’s twin, dressed in matching pajamas.
“It’s gotta be perfect,” I said, crouching down to dip the boot into the baking soda-and-pepper mixture.
“I think you do this more for you than for Hudson,” Savannah said. “You’re a big kid, you know that?”
I grinned up at her.
She rolled her eyes as I motioned for her to get out of my way. Starting at the fireplace, I pressed and then lifted each boot, leaving a perfect imprint on the carpet.
“You’re sure that’s not going to ruin the carpet?” Emily asked.
“Yep. Done this same thing every year since?—”
Everyone knew why I stopped. Kayla. I started doing this the year she passed away. It was something we’d talked about doing when Hudson got big enough to understand who Santa was. And when we lost her, it was the one thing I could do at Christmas to make sure she was still with us.
“I’m almost done,” I said, more than halfway to the tree.
“You’re pretty amazing at this whole dad thing,” I said.
“Seriously, Chris,” Savannah cut in, “Hudson’s going to lose his mind.”
Before I could reply, my parents came rushing in, arms full of brightly wrapped gifts. “Apparently, you all got on Santa’s nice list.”
“We get on it every year, Mom,” Savannah said.
“Jesus, Mom,” I said.
She giggled. “Yeah, I might’ve gone a little overboard.”
“You?” Dad asked, raising an eyebrow. “No way.”
Mom stuck her tongue out at him.
“Now I know where you get it from,” Savannah said.
I raised my hand to flip her the finger, but Mom smacked it down.
We worked together to pack the presents under the tree. Then we ate Santa’s cookies, drank his milk, and put the reindeers’ carrots back in the refrigerator.
“I think everything looks perfect,” Mom said.
“You’re a good dad, son, you know that?” Dad said. His voice cracked with emotion.
My throat tightened at the sincerity and emotion in his words. “I learned from the best.”
A comfortable silence fell as we stood admiring the tree and boot prints. The familiar warmth I’d been feeling more often than not lately spread through me.
Everything felt right.
Everything looked perfect.
As Emily and I shared one more kiss in front of the tree, I thought about Christmas morning and how it couldn’t come soon enough.