Chapter 15 Cleo
CLEO
TO: ihopeurhappydummy@
FROM: themerrymaker@
SUBJECT: Merry Christmas, Dummy
If you’re reading this, it means that Future Me gave you this email address and password. Which means I decided I want you to know why I didn’t show up to the penthouse suite after the party and then moved to New York without saying goodbye in person.
Maybe I’ll never see or speak to you again—who knows?
I keep looking at the text you sent me that night, asking where I disappeared to. Reminding me of the room number. Telling me you’ll be staying there all night.
You were so sweet.
And my response, telling you I had decided to go home to pack. Telling you I had decided to move to New York, asking you not to call me.
Please know that it was hard for me to write that and there is so much I wanted to say to you, but it just didn’t seem right for me to contact you.
It still doesn’t. It’s not my place. It would have just made things more complicated for both of us, and while we are different in almost every way imaginable, the one thing we have always agreed on is this: complicated stories suck.
Unless it’s Inception. Or The Prestige. Or the plot of basically any Christopher Nolan film.
But our story will always be simple. We were film school rivals. One night, we got drunk and made out at a Christmas party. You asked me to meet you in a hotel room, I didn’t, and then I left LA without saying goodbye in person.
Right?
You’re probably mad at me. Or maybe you’re too busy to be mad at me. I hope you’re happy. I mean it. I really do.
By now you have probably found out that your beautiful friend Alyssa is pregnant with your baby.
By “now” I mean as of December 25, 2017.
By the time you’re reading this email you will probably already be a father.
Wow. What a trip! Congratulations. Really and truly.
I think that even though you are terrible at being a person in so many ways, you will be a genuinely good dad. I can totally see that about you.
I know this is probably too intense a thing to say in some random email, but since there’s a good chance you’ll never even read this, I’ll just write it anyway. Here goes. Are you ready?
I think you’ll be a great dad because you’re going to give your son all the things you never got from your own father. I haven’t met your dad. I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice man. I have just picked up on some things about him from what you’ve said over the past couple of years in passing.
It’s so weird that I found out about your impending fatherhood before you did, but…I did.
It already feels like so long ago, but it has only been a week.
When you went up to the hotel room, I went to the ladies’ room in the lobby. To freshen up. Because I was planning on getting boned by you.
I was in one of the stalls when I heard two women enter, talking. I didn’t recognize their voices, but one of them had kind of a high-pitched voice and she kept saying, “Oh my God, Alyssa” and “Wow. Alyssa, this is so intense!”
I had already flushed (TMI?) and was about to open the door, but it didn’t seem like the right time. Public bathroom etiquette and all that. Maybe it was worse that I overheard them, but they could definitely see my boots and I guess my boots looked like they could keep a secret.
That one girl asked the other one named Alyssa if she was sure—did she take more than one pee-stick test, did she get a blood test? Yes, Alyssa said, all the tests. I knew what that convo was about immediately.
The girl with the high-pitched voice asked her if she wanted to have the baby, and Alyssa said yes. She said she came to this party tonight to tell Elijah she’s pregnant. “Wait,” the other girl said, “Elijah Wood, from Lord of the Rings, is the father?”
And then Alyssa very calmly said, “No. Come on. Focus. Elijah Abrams. His film class is having a party here tonight.”
To which the other girl replied, “Ohhhhh. You always call him Eli! But—girl. Nice! I thought you guys had just been friends forever… I didn’t know you started dating.”
And Alyssa told her she had hooked up with you about two months ago.
She said she and her parents were out for dinner with you and your parents and Eli was drinking a lot and was really moody, but it made him seem really hot.
Hotter than usual. And, well, I won’t repeat what she said verbatim, but apparently she found you very attractive and she asked you to go back to her place and she seduced you.
Her words, not mine. And she said it felt very comfortable when you stayed over but that you had only texted to say you had a nice time the next day.
And apparently she had already talked to her mother and yours about being pregnant, and they told her father and yours, and they all agreed that this was what everyone wanted.
So.
I didn’t want to complicate things.
It seemed like a sign that I should move to New York.
I know that what happened between you and Alyssa took place around the time that I had been pulling away from you. Not that it would have had anything to do with me at all. But what I’m saying is—I’m not mad about it. I have no right to be.
Anyway, I waited for them to leave the ladies’ room before emerging from the bathroom stall. I figured she was going to call or text you soon to let you know she was there. So I decided to leave.
Do you understand?
It wasn’t my place to tell you why I had changed my mind.
But I do want you to know that my mind was changed.
By which I mean—my mind and body did want to go up and see you in that hotel room.
I know that I made the right decision.
I am sure you’re relieved that things played out this way too.
She sounded really nice. Alyssa. It sounds like your family and hers are close. I hope that it makes you feel more like you fit in with your own family.
I can tell that you feel like you don’t fit in.
I know that people, myself included, see you as an entitled old-money trust-fund guy.
But here’s the thing that people don’t see, the thing that maybe you don’t see about yourself, and I see it now: You want to earn your success in life.
That’s the opposite of entitlement. Yeah, maybe some of your drive comes from wanting your dad to tell you he’s proud of you, but you are a rebel.
You knew that the family business wasn’t right for you and that it was right for your brother, so you walked away from it.
That was brave. Badass, even. If a guy who has ever worn loafers even once can be called a badass.
You’re still a grumpy-ass mofo. You’re still a big dummy for hating all of the things you hate.
But I see all the other things you are. I see you.
Or I saw you anyway. Even if I never see you in person or talk to you again.
Even if you never read this email, I believe in energy.
I believe that you will feel this sentiment somehow. And I hope it brings you peace.
And I will also tell you this: You’re a damn good kisser, Elijah Abrams. A damn good kisser.
I hope you have a wonderful life.
And I hope you finally learn to like the movie It’s a Wonderful Life or at least realize what an ass you are for not liking it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Life,
Curly
TO: ihopeurhappydummy@
FROM: themerrymaker@
Dec. 19, 2022, 9:27 PM
SUBJECT: Happy Holidays
I just wanted to say that I heard about your divorce and I’m sorry.
My friend Franklin is the interior designer you hired to work on your new house.
I know him from Paso Robles, and I used to talk to him about you (by “talk” I mean complain) when we were in film school together.
He said you got a really great house in Brentwood (he went on and on about the hardwood floors and the morning light in the kitchen and how hot you look in sweatpants), and he said that he has never met a dad who cared so much about his son’s room.
He said it sounded like it was a friendly divorce but that you seem really sad. Grumpy and sad. Grumpy and hot and sad (his words, not mine).
I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I haven’t been back to LA since I moved to New York, and I actually just moved into an amazing apartment in Greenwich Village with my boyfriend. You’d like him. Actually, you probably wouldn’t like him, but you would like his Blu-ray collection.
I was thinking about you and I realized it’s December 19, so I figured I should write this email to you even though it’s not really your email address.
That’s not weird.
I hope you enjoy the holidays.
—Cleo
TO: ihopeurhappydummy@
FROM: themerrymaker@
March 24, 2023, 8:15 AM
SUBJECT: Holy Shit
I cannot believe you won the Oscar for Best Picture!
I didn’t watch the ceremony, but I saw a clip of your acceptance speech on YouTube.
You look very nice in a tux.
And I love that you were all sarcastic as per usual and then you dedicated the award to your son.
It made me cry.
Congratulations.
—Curly
PS: In case it wasn’t obvious, I meant congratulations on winning an Oscar, not congratulations on making me cry.