Mess

Chapter Fourteen Kelsey, Once More

Chapter Fourteen

Kelsey, Once More

J ane woke up feeling optimistic. It was discomfiting; it was delightful.

Maybe things weren’t working out as she’d planned, but she was changing, and that had been her goal, hadn’t it?

She felt open-hearted, open-armed. Chasing happiness was a fool’s errand.

What she needed to strive for—no, not strive for, that was too strenuous—what she should seek was satisfaction.

Which was sort of like low-key happiness.

Which could, perhaps, be the foundation for full-blown happiness.

Should she dare to dream? The realist in her said “no,” while the romantic in her said “yes.”

She had spent a lot of time after her dinner date with Teddy trying to figure out what he meant when he told her “maybe it’s too late.

” It’d been almost a week, and they had still not seen each other.

Jane was being careful about giving him space to do whatever thinking and planning he needed to do.

They were texting, but Teddy wasn’t forthcoming, and Jane wasn’t going to pry.

Their exchanges were friendly but felt perfunctory.

She would reread every text before she sent it, to make sure she didn’t sound like she was being petulant or distant.

TEDDY: Hey J. Thanks for dinner last night, you did not have to treat but I very much appreciate that, and you. Hugs

JANE: Hey T. My pleasure. Always. xo

TEDDY: Hey J. Sorry, in the weeds with a bunch of things but we’ll catch up soon, k?

JANE: Yes, of course, Teddy. You know where to find me.

Anna told her hanging back was absolutely the right thing to do. “Let him figure his shit out on his own time.” Without any prompting, Anna had done some due diligence to find out if Teddy’s ludicrously young sommelier was still in the picture, and Keith reported that she was not.

“Keith is so easy to get information out of, it’s almost pathetic. I FaceTimed to make it quasi-intimate, and he totally spilled, open book.”

Anna, who’d started seeing a lot of the dog trainer, told Jane that it was eye-opening.

Dog training principles applied to humans, too: be firm, never ask for something more than once, don’t reward bad behavior by giving attention, but make sure to reward good behavior with a treat.

Anna and the dog trainer had nurtured this idea into an intimate inside joke—each was training the other to be their ideal companion.

“I don’t want to train Teddy. Because then it’s a project. He definitely doesn’t want that. And I don’t want that, either. I guess I’ve realized that, all in all, he is a pretty great guy.”

Anna said, “Yes, he’s a sweetheart! And it’ll be so good for him to get some distance from Keith—them together is so stunting!

All I’m saying is, try to chill while Teddy figures out what he wants.

You’ve said what you wanted to say. It’s like when you’re training a dog, you don’t ever go chasing after it. It has to come to you.”

That was the consensus of everyone with whom she discussed the situation. Jane had astonished herself by soliciting advice from a surprised and very flattered Lindsey.

“Guys are actually really simple in some ways,” Lindsey offered.

“It’s never hard to tell what’s on Jesús’s mind.

I’m sure Teddy totally heard you when you asked him to stay.

But guys like to feel like things are their idea.

Even the sensitive ones who genuinely like women.

I wasn’t sure how Jesús would react when I proposed, and that’s why it took him a minute—he was so disoriented.

But he is getting more and more excited, so. ..”

“That’s great, Lindsey, I’m so happy for you.”

“He still hasn’t come up with a ring, but I know he will. I’m not asking him about it so he can surprise me. Anyway, I don’t know what else you can say to Teddy. The ball is totally in his court.”

Jane even discussed her predicament with Esmé, whom she had texted. To her great surprise, Esmé seemed very eager to meet up—a rare instance of the social nicety “let’s have a drink sometime” actually converting into a real plan.

Jane almost didn’t recognize Esmé when she walked into the restaurant.

She wasn’t wearing a mock turtleneck or jeans and, most jarringly, her hair was down.

Un-ponytailed, Esmé seemed softer, less officious, less bossy boots.

She told Jane she was thriving in her new social media management job.

In fact, Esmé thought Jane would also thrive at the company—which was growing really really fast—if she ever wanted to change jobs.

Though flattered, Jane demurred. Too many other things in her life were in flux.

Jane learned that Esmé was married (something that somehow she didn’t know) to a woman (something else that somehow she didn’t know).

Esmé told her that for a successful relationship or marriage, the single most important thing was communication.

“You have to say exactly what you want, what your expectations are. And then you have to listen to what your partner says. And then you have to negotiate how to make sure both of your needs are being met.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“Oh yeah it is, but it’s worth it when you love someone. Anyway, it sounds like you were really open and honest, so give him space and wait it out. Whatever happens will be for the best—either it’s meant to be or it’s not.”

While Jane was waiting it out, she did a rigorous edit of the detached garage. She felt feverishly proactive. She needed to do what she was telling others to do on a daily basis. She was curating herself.

It was liberating, letting go of the objects laden with meaning of which she didn’t want to be reminded: the overalls that had belonged to Lauren Baker’s son, the remaining makeup from the influencer Chloe, even a pair of Louboutins salvaged from the trophy wife of a hedge fund billionaire.

The woman had worn them once to a charity gala and would not wear them again because she’d been photographed in them.

As an outgrowth of all this physical lightening, Jane began having dreams of traveling.

Both daydreams and sleep dreams, which must have meant the desire was deep-seated.

She was confident that if she asked her bosses for a sabbatical, they’d be fine with it.

She wanted to spend time in Italy and Argentina and Japan.

She didn’t mind traveling alone. If she was going to be unattached, she might as well enjoy herself.

She could sublet her place. She was habitually careful with money.

She had listed some items from her cull on eBay, the Real Real, and Poshmark, and was getting very solid returns.

She’d been checking her listings every morning.

Today the Louboutins had sold for five hundred dollars.

That was a couple nights in a nice hotel in Buenos Aires.

Standing naked, Jane looked down at the scale. She was feeling buoyant, but its insistent tug was weighing her down. She threw on her robe, picked up the scale and placed it on the pile of items she was donating. Instantly, she felt lighter.

Then, feeling momentum, Jane called her mother.

“Hello, Jane, how are you?”

“I’m good, Mom, really good. How are you?”

“I’m fine. Are you working today?”

“Yes, it’s still early here. I wanted to tell you, I’ve been thinking I might want to do some traveling soon. Maybe start with Japan or Argentina.”

“That sounds very nice, Jane.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yes, do it while you can,” her mother replied, sounding genuinely encouraging. “Who would you go with?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really sure where things are with Teddy, and I have lots of friends who’d be fun to travel with....”

“What’s going on with Teddy?”

Jane was surprised she asked.

“We’re kind of figuring stuff out.”

“You know, for years your father and I haven’t been able to travel and leave your brother...” Her mother trailed off.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Well it’s certainly not your fault. Just a fact.”

“How is he doing?”

“The same,” her mother said, sounding resigned, yet not at peace. “Maybe a little worse. I’m worried. It’s hard to notice the changes because I see him every day, so—whenever you come out here again you’ll see for yourself.”

Now it hit Jane how profoundly sadness had saturated her mother. “I will come visit soon.”

“That would be nice. Keep me posted.”

“I will. Love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, Jane.”

Jane believed her. Simple words could have so much power.

Kelsey recognized the Chanel instantly.

“Jane! You’re wearing my Chanel. I love it on you!”

When Jane got dressed that morning, it was obvious what she should wear. It would be a confession and a declaration at the same time.

“I meant to ask you if I could have it, but I was embarrassed, and we’re not really supposed to, and then I couldn’t bear thinking of it stuck at a resale place.”

“I am so glad you took it! I could tell you liked it. Hey, you’re looking at a girl who has stolen a thing or two—or three, or four—from wardrobe over the years, so I don’t judge. I meant to offer it to you, but that was when I was a little afraid of you still.”

Jane was taken aback. “Afraid of me? What do you mean?”

“You seemed so... serious,” Kelsey said, with an exaggerated frown.

Jane laughed. “Oh, that’s just me concentrating when I’m on a job.”

Betty, the pit bull mix, lumbered over and Kelsey absentmindedly petted her.

“I figured that out. Anyway, the Chanel totally works on you. So chic. My mother would love you.”

“Wait, is that a good thing?”

“Well, she does have good taste. Sometimes,” Kelsey reluctantly conceded. “And now I feel like a total slob!”

Kelsey was wearing jeans and a baggy T-shirt, and the minimal makeup that in LA was called a “bare face.”

“You look great, Kelsey, you always do.”

Kelsey seemed genuinely grateful for the compliment.