20 Thilar
“I will need reconditioning after Mekah,” I said. “Many things have clouded my judgement.” When I lifted my gaze and met Penny’s eyes, I felt the slightest skip in my pulse. “You are one of those things.”
Her brows furrowed at those words like she didn’t quite understand my meaning, but I was certain by then that I knew her words well. I said it right.
“I have done things solely to protect you, and I have had to forget myself to do it.”
“And that’s considered clouded judgement?”
I nodded my head once and in response, she straightened, rolling her shoulders back and smiling faintly.
“I see,” she said.
A long stretch of silence spread between us. Thoughts were zipping through her mind like a swarm of sun wasps. She started to tap her hands on her knees, her teeth gnawing at her bottom lip.
She was anxious.
Her scent had changed. There was a spicy sweetness to her now that set my senses ablaze.
Suddenly, she stood. “I should go back to my little, lonely wing of the ship.”
I stood with her, a part of me wanting to tell her to stay.
It would make looking out for her easier if she was housed in the crew wing, but her room had been outfitted with a more suitable amount of heat.
It made sense for her to go back. But…I craved her presence.
When there was no more danger, I still wanted to know where she was.
What she was doing. What she was thinking.
“There’s something I want to try first,” Penny said, hoisting herself up on the bench beside me.
I was looking up at her now, my gaze level with her neck, a part of her I’d never really taken the time to admire before. In that fleeting moment, an ache of temptation swept through me, and I found myself wanting to trace my tongue along the smooth curve of her skin.
I opened my mouth to ask what she was doing when she took my face between her hands and pressed her mouth to mine.
Her lips were soft. Pliant. Cool against the heat of my own.
I rested my hands against her waist to keep her steady on the narrow bench, but the moment I touched her, I wanted to sweep her off her feet and hold her against me.
She was still so cold. So unaccustomed to low temperatures.
When she slowly pulled her lips from mine, I felt robbed. I hadn’t even noticed that I closed my eyes until I was opening them again to see those vivid, brown pools looking back at me.
Her tongue darted out to lick her lips and I watched it, taken by the delicate movement.
“It’s called a kiss,” she whispered. “I don’t know if it’s something you do where you’re from. Humans barely do it anymore, if I’m being honest.”
“We do it from time to time. It’s an old custom. Usually very intimate.”
“Um…” she said, her cheeks brightening with color. “Yeah, it’s meant to be intimate on Earth, too.”
I blinked, noticing her hands were still against my cheeks.
“Then why would you—”
She dropped her hands. “Sorry. I guess I just got a little carried away. It’s just, when a guy saves a girl over and over and holds her hand while she’s scared for her life on an operating table, she can get a little attached.
” She moved down from the bench and put a step of distance between us.
“It’ll pass. Us humans are fickle. And, um, I got that out of my system, so… ”
No one’s words affected me quite like hers did. It was crushing to hear her dismiss what we’d just done like it was a mistake, but I couldn’t blame her. I didn’t reciprocate. I was caught off guard by the tenderness of it. By the closeness.
By my desire for more.
And hanging over my head was the idea that my spending time with her at all should have been analytical, not because I wanted to.
After all, I had a judgement to prepare for.
My actions on Mekah Prime were going to be investigated and my relationship with Penny was certainly going to be scrutinized.
Whether that would help my case or not, I couldn’t be sure.
Any other monrian would separate desire from duty with ease.
I was not any other monrian. Not anymore. I sought vengeance for personal reasons. I killed for personal reasons. And I was yearning for Penny as if she was mine.
The arena and my solitude among miscreants, criminals, and manipulation had changed me. It shouldn’t have. My upbringing should have shielded me against all of it. It should have kept me on track even around distractions and temptation.
“What are you thinking?” Penny asked.
“Nothing you need to worry about. Have I offended you?”
She smiled. It was an empty expression. One she would have had on Mekah when there was nothing good to cling to.
“It takes a lot more to offend me. I’ve got a thicker skin that you think.”
“Your skin is incredibly thin in comparison to—”
“It’s an expression. I just mean that I’m not offended. I probably shouldn’t have kissed you without asking.”
The fact that she regretted it hurt more than anything. The games came to mind and the fact that neither of us were able to give consent when it came to the affairs on Mekah. Now she was apologizing for pressing her lips to mine when I had done far more.
“Don’t,” she said. “I can tell you’re thinking about the arena. I don’t know how many times we have to go through this. That was different. And whatever is going on with your people, they have to realize that.”
“We are raised to honor codes and laws. I’ll be evaluated soon for not only the things I did to you, but the way I conducted myself during and after my time on Mekah.”
“What would you do after that would come into question?”
“I am only speculating.”
“Ok, well speculate about the fact that I asked you to help me train and that’s all.”
“I have considered that. It is just… being alone with you causes my mind and my body to stray.”
Her eyes snapped back up toward mine, not missing my point. I watched her throat bob nervously, the pulse on the side of her neck beating with fervor, and all I wanted to do was feel it against my lips.
“Do you not want to be alone with me?”
I clenched my teeth, trapping the words I wanted to say lest they come out wrong.
I wasn’t entirely sure how humans worked.
As for monrians, taking a partner was near unheard of unless it was a psychological arrangement.
An emotional bond that boosted morale. Physical attachment was frowned upon.
It was distracting and reserved for designated leave with people who were easily forgotten.
Fleeting pleasure was necessary and even then, it was monitored.
Connections that could compromise missions were not permitted.
“Penny,” I whispered. “When we get to Tallian space, I will likely be taken into custody. Sunhai will be handed over to an embassy and you will probably go with her. Humans and valerians are allied. It would be better if they dealt with you.”
“Dealt with me?”
“That may have been the wrong way to say that.”
“No, I get it.” There was no anger in her voice. No disappointment. Just a flat, unreadable expression that hit me harder than a slap to the face would. She nodded and stepped around me, heading for the exit. “Thanks for the little session. I was getting a little bored. I’m going to find Sunhai.”
“I was ordered to look after you.”
“I’m good for now.”
I watched her walk away like she was late for a meeting and disappear into the hall.
My body ached to chase after her, but perhaps this was the way I was going to keep my feelings in check.
By pushing her away. By erecting walls she could not get through.
Walls that used to be there before but were now rubble of their former selves.
Reconditioning would help to strengthen them again, but I was unsure when that would come or even if it would. All I had to do was last until then.
My next sleep cycle was a restless one. I found myself staring up at the ceiling of my small chamber, unable to organize the hurricane of thoughts plaguing my mind.
I scrubbed my face with frustration. Falling to sleep in a timely manner and getting the best of whatever rest we were afforded was a monrian ability we all grew up honing.
But growing up, I didn’t know Penny. I never knew someone could bleed through the cracks in my armor like she could.
I recalled her story about her sister. About her determination and her failure, both things I had felt very deeply in the past. She was a protector on Earth, I could tell.
I couldn’t help wanting to be her protector in space.
I had avoided crossing paths with her for another two sleep cycles and filled my time with training, meditation, and researching the current state of monrian affairs.
I’d been away longer than I suspected and was somewhat surprised to see how much had happened in my absence.
Yuros had also allowed me access to the unit logs so I might search for ships in need of additional crew.
I regretted the fact that my unit and many more perished in Ursa, but death was a large part of our lifestyle.
If I was pardoned and allowed to remain active, I would need to find a suitable vessel to take residence on.
It was all quite tedious considering I’d been with the Haak almost my whole life and it was due to arrangements, not by my own choice.
“Do not think on it too hard,” Yuros said, entering the records room behind me. “I’m confident many units will be fighting over a soldier with your experience. And you may very well be placed somewhere deemed suitable by the council.”
I stepped away from the glowing panel of endless records, swiping a hand across the holographic contents to turn and face Yaros.
“I’d like to be prepared,” I said. “The current conflicts are a bit different than I remember.”
“Yes, the valerians have sent a message or two regarding the gek’tal. Seems tensions are rising fast.”
“The valerians have never conscripted monrian forces in the past. They’re too proud.”