Chapter 4
Positive? I stared at her dumbfounded. After all these years with no pregnancies, I’m pregnant now? I didn’t say anything, but it was a huge source of anger with Allen that I never seemed to be able to give him a child. Now I’m pregnant with his baby, and he has no idea. I can’t speak. I can’t think. “Mattie, do you understand? You are pregnant.” Audra repeated.
I slowly nod my head as tears start to fall. I had been beaten many times for not being able to give Allen a son. He blamed me constantly.
Audra sat back down, stating, “I need to go get some equipment and come back. I want to listen to the baby’s heartbeat and see if I can do an ultrasound. Then you will know how the baby is and can start to decide what you want to do with your future.”
Again, I just nodded. Allen’s baby. What am I going to do now? Do I have to go back to him?
“For now, please get comfortable, lay down, and get some rest. Bedrest is what you need right now more than anything. I’ll go upstairs and talk to Lauren and Eva about what we need to watch for and let them know what restrictions you should follow for the next couple of days.”
I stood up, as did Audra. She gently put her hands on my shoulders. “Listen, Mattie, we are here for you. I know you will have a hard time going forward, learning to trust total strangers, and letting them take care of you, but that is exactly what we are going to do. If you need or want anything, all you have to do is ask. If you need to be left alone for a while, we will respect that. Going forward you are in charge of your own life, we are only here to help you get to where you are confident in that, confident in knowing what you want to do.”
She gently pulled me in for a hug, out of habit I stiffened, so she let go. I wasn’t ready for hugs yet, she seemed to realize that. It wasn’t that I didn’t want the hug, I didn’t know how to react to someone being that close to me without getting hurt.
“It’s OK Mattie,” Audra said, seeming to know exactly what I was thinking.
I turned and started walking to the bedroom, yet could feel their eyes on my back. I stopped and slowly turned around to look at them all.
“I’m sorry that I don’t know how to express my feelings right now, I hope to be able to sort things out in my head, learn to trust my heart again and get better at expressing myself. I do want to say thank you, I really do appreciate everything you are doing for me. I understand the risk that you all are taking by helping me.”
Lauren spoke up, “Oh, honey, we completely understand that you will need time to learn who you are as a person, to figure out everything. Right now, let’s just focus on your health, let the rest come as it may. Take things one day at a time.”
I gave her a small smile of gratitude, went into the bedroom to change clothes, and crawl into bed. I managed to find a cute pajama set and a tank top with capri bottoms and put them on. They were a perfect fit. I looked at the bed, the TV, trying to decide what I wanted to do, sleep, watch TV, or go get the book to read some more. For some reason, this decision seemed like one of the toughest ones yet.
Why can’t I make such a simple decision like this without worrying about the consequences? Why—because I have never been allowed to make any type of decision for myself. The realization that I could pick what I wanted to do, not what I had to do—with the exception of the doctor’s orders of bed rest of course—was good in one way, yet bad in another. Good because it was part of my new freedom and bad because even though I could make decisions for myself, I didn’t know how to make them.
I stood there a while longer, staring at the bed when I made the first decision of my newfound freedom—even though it was a minor decision it felt good. I decided I was not going to choose one, I was going to pick them all! I walked out to the living room, hesitating a moment, I went and locked the door to the upstairs again. Feeling safer with it locked, I picked up the book I had been reading earlier to take it with me into the bedroom. Climbing into bed, I grabbed the TV remote and turned on the TV. This was a little overwhelming, I was fascinated by the options available to me, spending a long time flicking through channels watching a little of this show, a little of that show .
There were so many channels to choose from that did not involve sports or the types of shows Allen forced me to watch. I think I went through all the channels three or four times before finding a channel that had craft shows on it. Turning down the volume a little bit, I lay back to watch for a few minutes. The current show was a lady teaching basic sewing skills. For some reason, I found this very interesting, soon forgetting the book and intently watching the show.
I did some sewing a few years ago out of necessity, mending clothes because I had no choice, but it was something I didn’t know how to do other than that. She made it look so easy, making something from a few pieces of material and thread looked fun. It seemed like practical knowledge that someone should have.
The afternoon wore on, I found myself drifting off into a nice nap with the TV playing more craft shows. Another first for me, I was able to sleep without dreaming or being on the edge, waiting to be woken up for a beating or made to do something.
***
When I woke up an hour and a half later, it took me a few minutes to realize where I was. I had a moment of panic, thinking that I didn’t make it home in time with the groceries. I was trying to calm down when I heard a knock on the door. Audra called my name, asking if she could come down.
“Just a minute,” I called out to her, muting the TV. I get up, heading out to the stairs. I went up and unlocked the door, letting her in. We made our way down the stairs, pausing in the living area.
“Can we go in the bedroom?” Audra asked. “I brought the ultrasound machine with me.” Nodding, I led the way, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She was carrying her bag from earlier along with a couple of others. She put the bags down, taking a seat in the chair.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“I feel better. I just took a nap; didn’t realize I was so tired.” I answered.
“You will probably need a lot of rest, that is exactly what your body needs to heal right now.” She glanced at the TV, “I love this channel! Do you do any crafting?”
I shook my head, looking down in shame, “I wasn’t allowed to do anything that I wanted to do.”
“Mattie, look at me please.” I looked at her slowly, she was smiling warmly at me. “You have nothing to be ashamed of—at all.” Again, I was surprised by her warmth and understanding. How did she seem to know exactly what I was thinking or feeling at times?
She went on, “It will take time for you to get past that, I understand that, but I just want to put it out there that you have done nothing wrong.” I nodded, not knowing what to say. She looked back at the TV and said, “I love to craft, and so does Lauren, so if you see anything that interests you maybe we can help you get started with some crafts.”
“Really?” I asked. “That would be great.”
“Sure, especially when you have to be on bed rest it would help you to pass the time. Something to fight boredom,” she smiled.
“Thank you,” I said smiling back.
She looked down at the bags at her feet, saying, “I brought a couple things with me.” She reaches for the bags, pulling them closer to her chair. “When talking with Eva and Lauren before I left earlier, we decided that you should have a cell phone. I picked one up for you, it is what they call a prepaid phone. Your name is not associated with it, but you have the ability to text message and make calls. We programmed our three numbers into it for you already, so if you need anything or we want to come down, to see you, we can text each other easily.”
She handed me the phone with the instruction booklet, which I was glad to have because I did not know much about cell phones. Allen had programmed the one he allowed me to use, so I had no clue how to use them beyond the things he showed me. I didn’t want to admit there was yet something else I was clueless about.
“Thank you,” I replied, taking them from her and laying them on the bedside table next to me.
“I don’t think I need to warn you about calling anybody other than the three of us with it. Calling anyone you know from your past life with it is too dangerous,” she said sternly.
“I have no one to call. Even if there was, I would not have the numbers to call them,” I replied.
She nodded. “This will make it easier for me to check in on you to see how you are feeling between visits or let you reach out to any of us if you start not feeling well. The next thing I brought was the portable ultrasound machine from the office. I would like to do an ultrasound and see how the baby is doing and see if we can figure out how far along you are. I also brought some pregnancy and baby books for you to read if you would like.”
She pulled the books out, setting them on the bedside table also. I glanced at them, not sure yet how I felt about them. I haven’t given the pregnancy much thought yet, mainly because it didn’t feel real yet, I didn’t know how I felt about it. I think Audra knew that which is why she placed them there with little fanfare, then went straight back to her bag, pulling out the ultrasound machine.
“So the way this works, I will put some gel on your abdominal area, then put this wand on your abdomen. I will then be able to see a picture on the screen here and take measurements to see how big the baby is. I can also see how well the baby is developing. It should be painless for both of you.” She looks at me seriously.
“I say ‘should be’ because I know you have areas of bruising, so there may be a little pain if I go over an area with significant bruising. I do want to see if I can check on any internal bleeding. It should feel like pushing on a bruise, maybe a bit more painful depending on the severity of the damage he did to you. Any questions?”
It all seemed pretty straightforward; I really didn’t have any questions at this point, so I told her no. “Shall we proceed then?” she asked.
“Yes, let’s do it,” I told her.
“Good. I’ll explain more as I go, if you have any questions or if a spot is a lot more tender, and you want me to stop just let me know.” I nodded my understanding.
She pulled out a tube of gel and a couple of blue pads. She went into the bathroom and brought out a warm wet washcloth, which she handed to me.
“To start with, I need you to pull your top up a little bit and your pants down just a little, so I have access to your abdominal area.” I did as she asked, and then she tucked the blue pads in both the shirt and pants, explaining this was just to keep the gel off my clothes.
She picked up the gel and opened the tube, saying to me with a smile, “No matter how much I try to warm this up beforehand, it is always cold by the time I put it on. Just a warning, the gel will be cold.” She put a significant amount on my abdomen and then put the tube aside. Picking up the wand, she turned on the machine and made a couple of adjustments to the screen that she sat on the bedside table, putting the wand on my belly. She spread the gel around as she moved the wand around, using some pressure to get a decent picture she explained. I had been watching her move the wand around, not looking at the screen, for several minutes in silence.
“Mattie,” she said. I looked up at her. “Look at the screen.”
I turn, looking at the screen, staring at the image there. “This is your baby. You won’t be able to see much, you are pretty early in your pregnancy,” Audra pointed to a small area on the screen. As we watched, a little movement could be seen. She moved the wand a little bit so that on the screen a tiny little flicker could be seen. “You can barely see it, but this is the baby’s heartbeat. We can try to hear it if you would like.”
I nodded, not taking my eyes off the screen. She turned up the volume so that a fast beat could be heard. “It sounds fast, but that is typical for a baby.” While she was pointing things out to me, she was also taking measurements. I was transfixed by the image on the screen, and once again, tears started down my cheek.
She took all the measurements she needed, explaining what I was looking at during the whole process. She then asked me if I wanted a picture of the baby.
“You can do that?” I asked.
She smiled, and a few minutes later she was handing me a picture of the baby. I stared at it in amazement. Audra went about cleaning the ultrasound machine and putting things away. She took the warm washcloth, gently washing the gel off of my abdomen. She threw the blue pads away; I pulled my clothes back into position. When she was done putting everything away, she sat back down, smiling at me.
“First off, the internal bleeding I could see is very minimal, you should heal up from that in a few days with the bed rest. No long-term issues from that at all,” Audra explained. “Secondly, from all the measurements I took today, I would say you are about six weeks pregnant.”
I looked at her in surprise, “That’s a little over a month. Is the baby… OK? Healthy?” I asked.
“The baby seems perfectly fine and looks very healthy. Everything seems fine with your pregnancy.” She reached into the bags that she brought with her, pulling out a bottle of pills. “These are prenatal vitamins. I want you to take one a day. If you have any problem with these pills, sometimes they can make you feel sick to your stomach, we can try something different like a chewable or a gummy. It is important for both you and the baby that you take these daily. Taking them with food may help with stomach issues.”
I took the bottle from her, telling her I would be sure to start them today.
“I know this is all so new for you, Mattie, once it sinks in that you are pregnant, we can discuss what you want to do about the baby. You have options that I will just mention now, we can discuss them in more depth if you would like. You could have the baby, keep the baby, raise it yourself. You can have the baby, giving it up for adoption. We do have enough time that you can terminate the pregnancy.” I had been looking at her as she spoke.
“I’m keeping my baby,” I say, surprising myself. The words were out of my mouth before I even thought about all the options. I knew in my heart this was what I wanted.
Audra smiled at me, “Are you sure?”
“I know that my future is uncertain, that today is only the first day I’ve been away from him. Seeing the baby on ultrasound made her real to me. I want to be her mom.” I looked down at the picture of my baby.
“Her? It is too early to see the sex of the baby on ultrasound.” Audra said, laughing.
“It’s a girl. I know it is,” I said, smiling down at the picture in my hands.