Chapter 37 Mia
SOME TIME LATER…
“Are you with me today, Mia?” Dr. Baxter asked.
I’d zoned out and hadn’t realized she was talking to me until Bleu nudged my chin. My eyes blinked rapidly as I refocused my attention and found Dr. Baxter staring at me.
Today was my solo session with her. I wasn’t feeling like myself and hadn’t been for days now.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“What’s going on? You’re here physically, but mentally you’re somewhere else.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just not myself.”
“Talk to me about that. Why are you feeling?”
“Low energy. Sadness… regret, anger… a little jealousy.”
“Are you feeling depressed?”
“Yes. And I’ve been masking it so my family doesn’t know. Around people, I’m the epitome of holding it together, but when I’m alone, I’m falling the fuck apart. I’m exhausted, Dr. Baxter.”
“Did something happen to bring on these feelings?”
I looked down at my hands, feeling embarrassed for even having these feelings.
“A lot has been weighing on me since I first came back from Paris. Life has been moving for everybody in the months that followed, but part of me still feels stuck. A while back, Kerrion and one of my other brothers announced their pregnancy and Kerrion got engaged. I’m happy for them, but I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous because that was yet another person in my circle who is having a baby not long after I lost mine.
I was slightly okay until after the last trip to Paris.
My sister had her baby two months ago, and my sister-in-law just had hers. ”
Shar had given birth to Charm Amour Dillinger last week. She was a beautiful chocolate baby, looking every bit of her mother. Seeing her affected me more than I could have fathomed it would. While I was happy for Shar and Maceo, she was a reminder of the daughter I lost.
I wasn’t sure how I managed to keep it together in the hospital, but the moment I got home, I broke down.
I’d broken down after Steel’s proposal the other month too.
Even on the beautiful island of Santo Domingo, surrounded by our beautiful family, sharing a beautiful moment, all I felt was sadness.
“Part of me feels so empty, Dr. Baxter. Titan and I have been trying to get pregnant, and it’s just not happening. I know the doctor said it could be complications, but it’s really hitting me that I may never be able to have kids.”
Dr. Baxter gave me a sympathetic nod. “I imagine that is frustrating for you.”
“It is.” I gave a frustrated laugh. “God, it’s like I didn’t even want kids until I got pregnant. Then I lost my baby in the most traumatic way possible. Now when I’m ready, it’s a struggle. It’s just so unfair.”
I broke into tears as I sat there. Dr. Baxter stood from her seat and came to sit next to me. Grabbing some tissues, she dabbed my eyes and rubbed my back.
“I think you’re going through another bout of depression, and the stress is making it harder for you.
I think it would benefit you to take some time away so you can relax and recenter, Mia.
You’ve been through so much mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Just from our talks you’ve been in fight-or-flight mode and haven’t had time to really just be free. ”
I nodded. “In another lifetime, I would have taken off and gone on a vacation.”
“Maybe that’s what you need. If that makes you feel like you again, I say go for it. Of course, let your family know where you are, but take the time for yourself.”
“Is it okay if Titan comes with me?”
“Of course. I think it will benefit you both. I can’t tell you what he and I discuss separately, but I will say you share a lot of the same feelings.
Both of you just don’t want to hurt the other by bringing it up.
That’s growth. You’re more considerate of each other’s feelings, and I love that for you.
Go home, have a conversation with your husband, and book your trip. ”
I heaved a heavy sigh. Maybe a trip was exactly what I needed.
My session ended, and Bleu and I headed home after I stopped to get her a pup cup. When I got there, Titan’s truck was in the yard, so I knew he was home. He’d scaled back on missions for my grandfather after Paris, stating he just needed a little break.
Since being home, he’d kept himself busy by working with his hands and upgrading shit around the house.
The man bought a pickup truck just to haul all of his materials.
When he told me he and his dad were going to pick up some materials from the hardware store, I wasn’t expecting him to come back with a brand new Ford F-550.
Currently, he was building a man cave in the backyard.
I’d watched him and his father map out the entire build while smoking cigars like two old men.
I knew he was handy, but not building a shed handy.
When I walked into the kitchen, I could see him out there, shirtless, the sun glistening against his skin.
I grabbed a bottle of cold water and headed out back.
His head turned in my direction as the back sliding door opened, and he gave me a soft smile.
“Hey, mamas,” he said as I approached him.
“Hey.”
Leaning in, he pecked my lips a few times before taking the water from me and twisting off the cap.
“Thank you.”
“This is coming along,” I said, noting the structure.
“Slight work. How was your session?”
“It was okay. Can we talk?”
“Of course.”
He grabbed my hand and led me over to the lounge chairs on the covered deck. Once he was seated, he pulled me to straddle his lap.
“What’s up?”
“I need to be honest about something.”
He slowly sipped the water. “Okay. Talk to me.”
“I’ve um… I haven’t been feeling like myself.” I sighed heavily. “I’ve been walking around here like I’m okay, but I’m dying inside right now. With all these new babies, my heart has been so heavy, Titan.”
It was his turn to sigh. “Mine too. I didn’t want to say anything because it feels selfish as fuck. I’m happy for everybody, but I ain’t gon lie and say the shit doesn’t hurt. Every time I hold one of the new babies, my chest tightens. I love them, but this shit is hard.”
It was quiet between us as we sat in the reality of what we’d revealed.
Did it make us bad people or just human?
I wouldn’t feel right uttering these words to my family.
They already had it in their heads that I was a selfish individual…
at least at one point. Even if my feelings were valid, it looked bad.
I couldn’t rain on their happiness by being a Debbie Downer.
“I’d be getting ready to have her around this time,” I whispered. “And now, we’re having trouble getting pregnant. It’s like reality is slapping me in the face. What if she was our only chance at being parents?”
He shook his head. “We can’t think like that. I don’t accept that, and neither will you.”
“But—”
“We’re gonna have a baby. A bunch of them. Hell, we might pass Senior and Smoke.”
“Slow your roll there,” I said, covering his mouth.
He chuckled. “My point is, it may not be our time right now, but it’s coming, mamas. I believe that.”
I nodded with my head down. Cupping my chin, he pulled my face to his, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“I need you to believe that, Mia. I know all the new babies and pregnancy announcements are overwhelming because I feel it too. I feel like shit for being happy yet jealous about it because we’ve been trying so hard. But I have faith. Didn’t Eden tell you she would have a brother?”
“Yes.”
“Then she’s gonna have a brother. End of story. When it’s time, she’ll send him to us.” He pecked my lips. “I love you and I can’t wait to raise a family with you.”
“I love you too.”
We shared a sensual yet passionate kiss, and I wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. I didn’t care that he was sweaty. I just needed the security I felt in his arms. I wasn’t convinced that this would happen for us, but if he believed it, I had to believe it too.
“I think we need a vacation,” I said, pulling back. “Before all this happened, I would have been out of the country or somewhere when I got stressed. I think we should go somewhere. Just us and Bleu.”
Just as I said her name, Bleu came running out the back and over to us. Titan scooped her up and placed her between us on his lap where she flopped down and laid out.
“Where do you have in mind?” he asked, stroking her fur.
“I want to be on a beach somewhere.”
“How about we think on it over dinner? I took out some steaks to put on the grill.”
“Okay. I’m gonna go take a nap and let you get back to work.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I leaned in and kissed him until Bleu had enough and pushed her way between us.
“Cock blocking ass dog,” Titan muttered as I stood to my feet with her in my arms. “Keep it up and you’re gonna be with your grandparents while we go on vacation.”
Even though he said that, Bleu would be right with us. She’s become as much his emotional support animal as she had mine. I guess we were both two broken-hearted people trying our best to hold our shit together. Maybe one day we wouldn’t feel like this.