Chapter 25 Of Confessions and Yearning
Chapter twenty-five
Of Confessions and Yearning
To love and be silent is no small feat. True love is loud and demanding. An impending snare despite the warmth of its embrace.
-Tales from Meridea, Volume II
There is no sleep like one that comes after a release of emotion.
It is a deep sort of sleep that feels like armor rebuilding while the world goes still.
The waking up after is another story entirely.
It is a confusing series of detangling truth from dream.
Trying to remember if the pain was real or rather a vivid nightmare.
Slowly, the pages turn and rearrange, and the reality cuts deep, but not as deeply as before.
This was how it was for Lucinda Blackthorn, except her pages were tangled beneath lean muscle and the gentle rise and fall of a warm chest. Blinking her eyes, she found herself tucked against Ira on the floor of the cave, right where she’d fallen asleep.
His arm was around her, holding her close to him while her head rested on his chest.
A light blanket thrown over her shoulders. She knew she was wrong for it, but the sense of safety that lulled her to sleep still lingered over skin, so she slowly turned her head and rested her chin on him so that she could see him better.
The diamonds of the cave danced over his smooth skin like they longed to touch him as much as she did.
Course stubble gathered over his cheeks and above his lips.
It took some of his youth from him, but in a way that made her more handsome if such a thing was possible.
Long eyelashes pressed together in sleep, his brown hair gathered over his eyes, hiding his forehead.
No kingdom needed saving. No burdens rested on his shoulders. In this moment, he was
merely a man, contentedly sleeping amidst gently rushing water. Luci reached up and brushed his hair to the side before tracing his face and feeling the stubble gathering on his cheek.
He was beautiful in the way the princes were in stories.
Alone, without anyone to see, she let herself remember the first time she’d met him at the ball, how his easy laugh and awareness felt like a spell.
How, for a minute, she would have followed him anywhere.
How she did. Followed him right into a room made of Glass that changed everything.
Following him led her to laughter, adventure, chaos, and fear of death related to treason, but it was hard to make herself regret it.
Even though she would indulge these feelings for a few more minutes due to lack of good judgment, she would soon bury them once more.
He wasn’t hers to keep. These arms that held her and made her feel safe weren’t for her.
She counted the rise and fall of his chest. One, two, three.
Memorized the way his lips pressed together softly, like he didn’t have a care in the world.
She followed the trail of his jaw, and because she was incapable of stopping herself, she ran her finger over his cheekbones, wondering at how his skin could be so soft beneath her fingertips.
He wasn’t hers to keep, and even in a cave beneath a mountain, the sun still rose.
She pulled her hands away, but before she could regret her resolve, he grabbed her hand and placed it back on his cheek.
Luci’s heart stuttered in her chest. Feeling caught between a child sneaking into a cookie jar and a woman paralyzed by want, she sucked in a breath.
She tried to pull away, but Ira held her hand in place, covered by his own. Green eyes watched her, waiting. No pretense at sleep now. Breaths once even now irregular and catching.
Maybe if he teased her or cajoled her, she might have been able to remove herself and find freedom at the other side of the cave, but he didn’t. He merely watched her, somewhere between a challenge and a patient, waiting like he’d been waiting for her this whole time.
“This is wrong,” she said quietly.
“Why?” he asked.
His voice was gravelly and deep, sending a tendril of energy through her. Wrong. Wrong. This was all wrong.
“You are engaged,” she said, finally finding her resolve.
Later, she would need to chastise herself thoroughly for taking so long.
He was engaged to her best friend. The woman responsible for the only happiness Luci had ever known, and this was how she repaid her.
The worst part was that Brielle would forgive her even when Luci didn't deserve it in the least.
Having enough of her traitorous activity, Luci tried to pull away, but he gripped her hand tighter, refusing to let her free.
“I’m not,” he said, and there was a lilt to his voice that felt almost like pleading.
It was the worst thing he could have said. Suddenly, she didn’t just feel like a traitor; she felt like a fool. She’d spent so long thinking he wasn’t like other people, like other rich nobility, that he was somehow different.
Ripping her hand away, she got to her feet and let the rage she felt burn away everything that came before. This anger felt better than wanting, and she nurtured the flame, letting it kindle and set fire to all the misplaced affection she’d been hiding.
“Luci, let me-” he said, behind her.
Whirling around, she pointed a finger at him.
“How could you? I thought you were different, but you're just like the rest of them. Midnight, I’m so stupid. I fell for your charm and sincerity just like all the girls before me, but it wasn’t sincerity, just calculation.
Why even come on this ridiculous quest if you thought she wasn’t-” The words choked her, but she made herself keep going because if she stopped for even a moment, it would hurt worse.
“Did you think I’d be fine with it? That I would forget her?
Was it all for a laugh? Look at the stupid servant falling for a prince- Well, I hope you all have a great laugh over it. I hope-”
“Lucinda!” Ira said, pinching the bridge of her nose like she was giving him a headache.
What a monumental jerk. Like she was the problem and not some traitorous backstabbing prince. Smoke coming out of her ears, Lucinda Blackthorn stalked toward him and jabbed her finger into his chest, glaring with every ounce of her soul.
“You are a pig and I-”
“I’m not engaged because Brielle broke the engagement!” he shouted, gripping her finger so she couldn’t get another jab in.
“And you let her?” Luci said, stepping forward and trying to retrieve her finger. “She was dying and was trying to be self-sacrificing!”
He blew out a frustrated breath. “She told me the truth, Lucinda. I know this is fake. I know you both lied. I know who you are.”
The world went still the moment he lifted a strand of black hair from her shoulder and declared it fake. It shuddered and cracked when he said they lied. But it spun again when he said the last part. One strand of hair in his hand, and his other wrapped around her finger.
This was far worse than being caught stealing dessert. He knew. He’d known. For days, he’d known. She’d been walking around with painted black hair and a heart full of secrets, and he’d known. The words kept repeating in her head, and all she wanted to do was run far away and hide.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked.
Strange, she wasn’t worried about the treason aspect anymore.
More so, she felt a vulnerability that crawled over her skin and threatened to eat her whole.
He knew. She wasn’t just Lucinda anymore.
She was the woman who danced with him and snuck away into libraries and glass rooms. She wasn’t just a servant in over her head; she was the cinderella.
Ira didn’t release her, but instead ran his eyes over her, searching.
“You are remarkably stubborn. I thought you would run; in fact, I’m half-certain you might right now,” he said.
How funny, because her legs itched to do just that, but now she couldn’t on principle. She needed to move. To put distance between them, but it was like her body didn’t know how to do what her mind screamed to do.
“I-” she tried, but whatever she wanted to say was lost to the panic in her chest.
Ira stepped closer, and it was all she could do to take the next breath. He was too close, and she was too vulnerable.
“If anyone should be mad, it should be me,” he said.
“You made me feel like I was losing my mind. Do you realize how much of an ass I thought I was this whole time? I knew the night at the ball that something had changed, not just the promise of magic, but you. The moment I saw you and heard your sharp tongue, I was yours, but then when I came to Blythe, everything was wrong. I’d been so sure, but Brielle was kind and sweet, but she wasn’t- wasn’t you.
Midnight, I felt like an ass constantly drawn to you, wondering if I could have Noah hanged for treason for just committing the crime of being near you, all the while I was engaged to someone else. ”
I was yours.
There were so many things to take away from his fast-paced speech, but her mind snagged on those three words. Nurtured them and memorized them. Her feet were paralyzed, glued to the cave floor, destined to stay there forevermore.
“The night of the engagement dinner, I couldn’t do it any longer. Even if it made me a terrible person, I couldn’t lie to Brielle anymore, and I couldn’t pretend like I wasn’t in love with you. But Brielle got sick and- when she told me the truth, it was like I could finally take a full breath.”
In love with you.
Her brain continued to snag on only a few words and miss the rest. Words that made no sense. Words that carved themselves into her heart and marked her soul.
Releasing her strand of hair and finger finally, Ira ran his hand through his hair and let out a shaky breath.