Chapter 17
MADDOX
Icouldn't remember a nicer day than this one. We'd decorated the tree, baked, and then I'd thought she'd stay for dinner. But after all the cookies were put away, she said she had to get home to get caught up on laundry for the week.
I tried not to let that bother me. I wasn't sure what we were to each other. Were we officially dating? Was today part of an act or something more? Until I figured it out, I didn't have the right to demand anything of her.
Instead, I cooked mac and cheese with hot dogs, a quick and easy staple, and Sofia and I ate at the counter.
Afterward, Sofia insisted on watching a holiday movie.
One of the newer ones I wasn't familiar with, and I couldn't help but remember how nice it was to have Eve over last night.
How she'd fallen asleep leaning against my shoulder and how I'd carried her to the guest room.
I wished she were here now. That I'd already talked to Sofia about the fact that we might be dating.
During a commercial break, Sofia asked, "I like Miss Eve. Is she going to come over more often?"
"I don't know." I wasn't sure what would happen. All I knew was that I liked seeing her.
She looked at me. "It's okay if you want to date her, you know?"
I shifted on the cushion. "You want me to date Eve?"
She blew out a breath. "I'm just saying I wouldn't mind. She makes you happy."
Was I happy? I felt better, but I wasn't sure that was the same thing. "I don't know what's going to happen between us."
Sofia shrugged. "I like her. You like her. What's not to know?"
I sighed. "It's more complicated than that."
"Adults make everything complicated."
I barked out a laugh. "Where did you hear that?"
She rolled her eyes. "I'm not a little kid, Dad. I know things."
I chuckled. "What do you know?"
"That you like Eve, and she likes you. That you're probably worried about me, but you don't have to. I'm fine."
"I want you to be more than fine." I rested an arm on her shoulder, and she shrugged it off.
"I'm good, Dad."
My chest constricted because I always worried if it was too soon. There was so much judgment and expectation; I felt like I was drowning.
"All that matters is how you feel in here." Sofia rested her hand over my beating heart.
I could easily admit that I liked Eve. That it would be nice to have her in our lives. But was it that simple?
Could Sofia enjoy having her around as much as I did? It seemed too good to be true. "I don't know if that's what Eve wants."
Sofia just gave me a look. "You should have asked her to stay for dinner."
"She said she had to get home."
Sofia rolled her eyes. "Who wants to clean their house and do laundry?"
"Adults." I sensed that Eve was feeling a little vulnerable and exposed. She needed space. I didn't like the idea, but I couldn't blame her. At times, I felt that same way. That maybe I was making the wrong decision and I needed to pull back.
But that was mainly when I thought about what other people would say. When I focused on what I wanted, I felt surer about everything.
"If something happens, we'll take things slow, and I'll keep you apprised."
"I don't need to see you two kissing."
I laughed. "Noted."
The movie came back on, and I texted Eve.
Maddox: Get caught up on your laundry?
She sent me an image of a basket piled high with clothes.
Eve: Working on it.
Maddox: Sofia wanted you to stay for dinner.
Eve: Did you?
Maddox: Yes.
I was getting better at telling her what I wanted. It wasn't enough, but it was a start. I was so used to putting Sofia's needs first; it was hard to figure out what I wanted underneath everything else.
I liked having Eve in my space and sleeping in the guest room. I'd prefer she was in my room, but we had time for that step.
Maybe next time, she'd feel comfortable staying longer. I needed to find more reasons to invite her over.
When the movie ended, Sofia was already asleep. So I carried her to her room. I hadn't invited Eve over tonight. I wanted to see her in the light of the day. Things had changed between us, and I wasn't going to go back to how things were.
The support group met on Wednesdays, so I dropped Sofia off with my parents for the evening and drove to the church where the group met in the basement.
I'd signed up, stating I'd be there, but now that I was sitting in the parking lot, watching other people go inside, I was nervous. Did I belong here? Could I share my thoughts with strangers?
Feeling like an imposter, I got out of my car, made my way to the door that everyone was using, and went down the stairs to the basement.
The chairs were in a circle formation which meant there was nowhere to hide.
Refreshments were on a table against the wall.
My stomach was knotted, so I took a seat in the middle hoping I wouldn't get called on during my first meeting.
The person who was leading the group introduced herself as Joan. "Thanks to everyone who could make it tonight. We have one new person." Joan looked at me. "Why don't you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about why you're here?"
So much for flying under the radar. "I'm Maddox Knight, and I'm here because my wife, Marla, died a couple of years ago. I'm raising our daughter now. I have my parents for help, but it's hard."
A few people nodded in solidarity.
"We've all been through something similar and are here to support each other. Some people get together outside of our meetings and schedule play dates with their kids."
A woman raised her hand.
"Yes, Erin?" Joan asked.
"I want to move out of the house I shared with my husband, but it was a gift from his family. They feel like I should keep it in the family and that I shouldn't move the kids from their childhood home. The memories of their father are in this house."
"But what do you need?" Joan prompted her.
"I need a fresh start. A place where hard memories aren’t lurking around every corner. I think that's what the kids need too. It feels like something is holding us back, keeping us stuck, and I'm wondering if this could be the thing to break us free."
I cleared my throat. "I sold the house fairly soon for that reason. Marla died there, and I wanted a fresh start without that memory for me and my daughter. I have to say it's been a good thing for us."
Joan nodded. "It's hard to let go of things, but you have to do what's right for you. I think the fact that this house was a family home is the thing that's making you feel guilty."
Erin nodded. "I think so too."
"But it's not your family's home, and if you need to move, then that's what you need. They can buy it from you if they want."
Erin nodded. "That's a good idea."
"And, Maddox, that was a big move so soon after your wife died. Good for you for knowing what you needed and doing it," Joan said.
The praise felt good, because I'd felt guilty about that decision even if my parents didn't say anything bad about it. "My issue is that I've met someone, and I worry that people will think it's too soon to date."
"There's no timetable for these kinds of things. People will have their opinions about everything you do. But you can shut those down by creating boundaries. Are your parents the ones who have an issue with you dating, or is it your daughter?"
"Both have said it's fine. It's more societal expectations. I've heard people mention that so-and-so remarried too soon."
A few people nodded in agreement, and someone murmured, "That's the worst."
"No one can know what's in your heart, and I hardly think two years is too soon by anyone's definition. Especially if your daughter has said she wants you to be happy," Joan said.
Tears stung my eyes. "She did say that."
A man to my right said, "Your daughter probably wants to see you happy."
I sighed, hating that Sofia might be upset about me.
"At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right for you," Joan said before moving on to another woman's question about whether her children needed grief counseling. I tuned it out because Sofia was already seeing a therapist.
It was validating being here with people who'd gone through the same thing that I had. Even if my therapist had said something similar, I hadn't taken it to heart until now.
At the end of the meeting, Joan approached me. "How do you feel about the meeting?"
"Good. It's nice to be with other people who've been in similar circumstances."
Joan nodded. "That's the idea. You're not the only one. I hope we see you again soon."
I planned to come every Wednesday I wasn’t working. I needed the support. I hung around for a few minutes, talking to the other single parents. The dads met for coffee once a month to discuss issues specific to them. I got their information so that we could talk outside of the group.
Afterward, I went to my parents' house.
Inside, Mom was emptying the dishwasher. "How was it?"
"It was good to see others who were experiencing the same issues and concerns."
"You think you'll go back?"
I nodded. "I think I will. The other parents get together outside of meetings, and their kids are friends."
"I'm glad it was worthwhile for you."
I was doing everything I could to heal and be a better version of myself. I just hoped it was enough. I told myself I wasn't doing this for Eve, but for myself. I wanted to be a good dad, one who wasn't stuck by the opinions of others. We had to do what was right for our family.
Sofia came into the room. "Daddy!"
I swung her into my arms, reveling that I got to be here with her. I was so lucky, and I shouldn't waste the time I had.
"Tomorrow, we need to help Eve set up the light trail."
Sofia scrambled to get down. "I drew some pictures for her."
Mom nodded toward the counter which was strewn with crayons and drawings.
"What did you draw?"
"I was thinking she could separate the themes." She pointed out each page, which had a different grouping of characters. "There would be a trail between each group, and that way, each section could have different music."
I looked up at Mom. "This is a good idea."
"Can we show it to Miss Eve?"
"She might already have a plan, but I don't see what it could hurt. You want to see if she's still working?"
Sofia gathered her drawings and held them to her chest. "Can we?"
I smiled. "Sure."
"Let's go," Sofia said, barely pausing to say goodbye to my parents before running outside.
"Sofia said you spent the day with Eve on Sunday," Mom said as I was getting ready to leave.
"We decorated the tree, and she baked cookies with Sofia."
"I think she's made an impression on Sofia. She couldn't stop talking about baking."
"Yeah, it was nice."
Mom patted my shoulder. "Good night."
I kissed her cheek. "Night.
I drove toward Christmas Town, assuming Eve would be in her office. When we parked, I shot her a message and waited for her response. When she responded, I told Sofia, "She's in her office."
Sofia hopped out of the truck, and we made our way to the square and opened the town hall's door.
Eve came down the stairs. "You want to talk in my office?"
"Unless you wanted to grab hot chocolate?" I asked her, wanting to make this more like an outing than a work thing.
She thought for a minute and then said, "That sounds great. I could use a break."
We waited for her to go upstairs to grab her purse. Then we headed to Coffee Dreams. I ordered three hot chocolates while the girls grabbed a table by the window.
We sat down, and Sofia pulled out her drawings.
"What's all this?" Eve asked.
Sofia pointed at one of the drawings. "I thought you could put groups of blowups next to each other by theme. Every movie will have its own section and music. The trail would go between."
Eve looked through each picture. "This is a great idea, Sofia."
"Do you think you could do it?" she asked.
"We weren't sure if you had something else in mind." I didn't want to interfere if she already had plans. But I wanted Sofia to feel like she'd been heard.
Eve looked at Sofia. "I thought we'd just have one line of characters. But this is so much better. I love this."
"So we're doing it?" Sofia asked excitedly.
"We're doing it," Eve responded with a smile.
"Yes!" Then she looked around the room. "Where's the restroom?"
I pointed to the back where there were single-occupancy bathrooms.
When we were alone, I said, "You don't have to do it just because Sofia wanted to."
Eve shook her head. "It was a great idea. I can't believe I didn't think of that."
She respected Sofia and wanted to include her. "We're meeting tomorrow to get everything ready?"
"Yeah, I have all the electrical cords. But I'll need to order more speakers for the music." Eve wrote down a few notes on her phone.
"It's going to be great," I smiled, excited to get started on the project.
Her eyes widened slightly. "It's kind of crazy to do something like this so late in the season."
I sipped my hot chocolate. "Yeah, but you'll have it ready to go for next year. And everyone's going to love it."
"I love that you're so confident. I'm a little worried it's too much for me to handle."
I leaned back in the chair as Sofia returned. "You have the fire department helping you."
"I couldn't do it without you guys. Is there any way I can thank you?"
"The best way to a fireman's heart is—"
"Through his stomach," Sofia interjected.
"I can do that." Eve pulled out her notes app again. "Food and drink. Check."
We sipped our hot chocolate and watched the holiday shoppers pass by on the sidewalk. It was a good opportunity for people to see us out as a couple, but I wasn't thinking about that anymore. I just wanted to spend time with Eve, and I was glad that Sofia provided me with the excuse to stop by.