Chapter 3
Chapter Three
After I thoroughly kick JT’s ass—he won’t admit that, he’s convinced he was screwed over—Nik stands from Shane’s lap and grabs my arm. “Let’s dance.”
She practically drags me across the room to the middle of the dance floor where a dozen or so girls in short dresses bounce around to the music.
We sway under the lights, and I watch them bounce off Nik’s hair. She turns around before launching herself at me, half toppling us over as she fights a losing battle with a fit of giggles.
My cheeks burn from smiling.
I think this right here might be part of why I don’t want to settle down yet.
I love my life.
I’m sure it’ll get old one day, and I’ll be ready to move on, but not yet.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask. You only get to be young and free while you’re young and free. Once I tie myself down, the party ends.
I should probably just stop dating until that time comes.
That thought crosses my mind at the end of every relationship, but then some other sexy man swoops in, and I temporarily lose my goddamn mind.
It’s not that I don’t want to be in love. On a subconscious level, don’t we all? But I know what the price is, and giving up a piece of myself isn’t worth it right now.
I’ve just about made up my mind when that sneaky internal clock, or what the hell ever it is that tells women their time’s running out, comes alive and fills my head with too many questions and none of the answers.
What’ll happen when I am ready? What if I don’t meet anyone I actually would want to make a life with? What if all the good ones are settled down by then?
Hands brush my hips, startling me out of my panic, and Tucker’s mouth ghosts over my ear. “Are you gonna avoid me all night?”
Will I regret not marrying someone like Tucker?
I grin, but the goosebumps don’t come. Something tells me I would regret it if I settled down with him right now.
“I don’t know.” I bat my lashes, letting my words slip out in smooth lazy waves. “What if I do?”
He whips me around by my waist, his dark eyes boring into mine. “You’re gonna find out when I take you home later.”
My heart sinks.
His hands move to my ass, and he presses his body into me before dipping his head to press his lips to mine.
He tastes like mint and whiskey—a taste that up until last night, I loved, borderline craved.
But now it’s like a bite of frosting that’s too sweet and sticks to your mouth even when you try to wash it down.
Normally, I’d be going home with him at midnight, but that idea turns the blood in my veins to ice. The only thing waiting for me if I leave with him, is a very awkward conversation.
Jesus, Lily. Grow the fuck up and talk to him.
“We could get out of here now.” His lips drop to my neck, his words skating across my flesh. “Ring in the new year with me between your—”
I laugh, letting my head fall back and pulling away from him. “Okay, cowboy. Reel it in. I still have to clean up when this is over. We’re not going anywhere just yet.”
He lets out a heavy sigh, his head falling forward and his hands moving to rest on his hips. “You’re killing me.”
“Sorry. I already promised I would.”
What I don’t say is that I could easily get out of it, but I’m a chicken shit and don’t know how to tell him that I think we’re done.
He pulls me to his chest. “I know. It’s fine, we have all the time in the world for me to spend in your perfect—”
I scramble out of his arms as my heart pounds a steady beat in my ears. “I uh—I think I need some air. I’ll be right back.”
His brows pinch as I head toward the door, practically tripping over my own feet like I can’t get away fast enough. For a moment, I’m afraid he might try to follow, but he doesn’t.
When the door opens, the cold North Carolina air bites my face, and I suck in a much- needed breath wishing I could just disappear—or better yet, that he would disappear.
“You alright?” Shane asks, leaning against the brick building with a cigarette between his lips.
My head jerks in his direction. I hadn’t seen him slip outside.
“Yeah,” I say, letting my heart rate come back down and shaking out my hands. “I’m fine.”
The only light comes from the bulb above the door, illuminating a circle on the dark pavement that looks like a mirror image of the moon in the night sky.
A shiver rolls through me, but I’d rather be cold than in there right now.
His brows lift. “You don’t look fine.”
Closing my eyes, I groan. “I think I have to break up with Tucker.”
“No shit?” he says, sarcastically.
I shoot him a dirty look. “Shut up.”
He laughs, taking a drag. “He’s got it bad.”
My head falls back, and I stamp my foot, my words an almost whine. “I know.”
He hands me his cigarette, and I take it, filling my lungs with nicotine.
“Why do they keep falling in love with me?” I half joke before laughing at myself.
“Just a thought, you could maybe tell him you want to pump the brakes. You don’t have to call it off completely. You could just slow down.”
I purse my lips, holding the cigarette just shy of my mouth. “He told me he loved me last night.”
He winces. “Yikes.”
“Yeah, so I think that ship has sailed. He can’t unlove me anymore than I can force myself to love him, can he?”
“Shit, Lil. That blows.”
I nod and take a drag before stepping back to lean my head on the wall.
“Anyway, I don’t really wanna talk about it. How’re you?”
“Alright.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I’m trying.”
Trying to stay clean.
He’s been stuck in this cycle of trying since I met him years ago. It’s not my place, but I do know a thing or two about addicts, and I know for a fact he needs help. Like actual, professional help if he really wants to get clean.
I put out the cigarette and run a hand down his arm. “You know there are places that can help you.”
He drops his eyes to the ground.
“I know you think you gotta do this all on your own, but you don’t. No one even has to know. Gabe’ll cover for you.”
“I know.” He shakes his head, and I slump against the wall. I’m not the first to offer him help, but he’s not going to take it until he’s ready.
His eyes flick to the parking lot, and he mutters, “You know, if you’re trying to hide from your boyfriend, you could try the office. Gabe never locks it.”
Pushing off the wall, he moves around me and heads back inside.
I guess that conversation’s over.
When I’m half frozen and I haven’t heard anyone screaming that a natural worm whole sucked the other chapter up into another dimension, I figure it’s time for me to grow a pair.
I make it to the bar without being spotted, but after grabbing my drink, my eyes meet Tucker’s from across the room.
Just go talk to him. Let him down easy and you can both move on.
I do none of that. Instead, I drop my gaze to the floor and rush through the clubhouse and down the hall toward Gabe’s office.
This is ridiculous. I’m twenty-eight. I should be able to have a tough conversation with my boyfriend without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. I just have to tell him we need to slow down. He’ll either be okay with that or he won’t, and things will go back to the way they were.
But even as I’m talking to myself, I don’t turn around to confront him.
Once inside the office, I’m startled to find the man himself with his elbows on his desk, writing in that damn journal. I don’t know what he writes in there, but the man takes it everywhere with him.
“Who are you hiding from?” I chuckle.
He lifts his head. “No one,” he says, slamming the book shut. “I’m just beat. It’s been a long week.”
Flopping down in the chair across from him, I let out a long exhale.
This office used to be his dad’s, and you’d think Gabe would have wanted to make it more his own when he took over, but he hasn’t changed a single thing. It’s still the same dark cherry desk and the same family pictures on the wall. He hasn’t even taken Jon’s name plate down.
Part of me thinks he’s still holding out hope that his dad will walk through the door and tell him to get his happy ass out of his office.
Gabe does a really great job with the club and the shop, but he has some big shoes to fill, and I think it’s eating him alive.
He leans back in his chair. “You know, I thought there’d be more.” Running his hands over his face, he pauses them for a moment to press his fingers into his eyes. “What the fuck is the point of any of this shit.”
He does this spiral from time to time.
“You need a break. You eat and sleep this place. It’s not healthy.”
He scoffs like that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard.
Crossing my legs, I sit up straight. “Wanna run away?”
He fights a grin, twisting his mouth to the side to bite the inside of his cheek. “Where to?”
“Wherever.” I shrug. “Pick a place and we’ll go.”
“What about Tucker?”
I don’t want to admit it to him because I know he’s about to see straight through me, but I mutter, “I think that’s about run its course.”
He gives me a sad smile. “Lil—”
Throwing up a hand, I say, “Nope. I’m fine.”
“You’re not your mom.”
His words pierce my chest with a sharp, fatal strike. My smile falls. “I know.”
“Do you?”
“That’s not what this is about.”
My real dad died when I was a baby. My mom met my stepdad when I was little. Before him she was a bright, free-spirited schoolteacher. She loved life—or at least that’s what everyone said.
He took that all from her. He didn’t want her to work, so she quit. He didn’t like her going with her friends, so she stayed home. He didn’t like the way she dressed, or how she did her hair, so she changed that too.
He watered down everything that made her who she was. I didn’t know it until she finally got away from him when I was fourteen, and she started finding herself again. I met a whole new Mom, one who smiles real, genuine smiles and sings along to the radio in the car.
I’ll be damned if I ever let a man take who I am away from me.
“The right man is gonna love you for who you are.”
I meet his stare with stinging eyes. A beat passes before I burst out laughing. “Are you actually trying to give me relationship advice? You must have lost your damn mind.”
“You’re a pain in the ass,” he says.
It is kind of funny; we have opposite problems. I keep running from anything that resembles love, and he’s been stuck wishing he’d held onto it—to her.
Sometimes I wonder if we should just build a life together, but I don’t think that’d satisfy either of us. I do love him, but not the way he deserves.
Or the way he needs.
He needs deep, soul-piercing love. What he had with her. He probably doesn’t realize that, though.
I stand and put my hands on my hips. “Alright, enough moping. Let’s go dance.”
“I don’t dance.”
My lip curls. “I know. I think that might be part of your stank-ass attitude. You need to let loose.”
He chuckles but gets up and follows me out of the office.