5. Ian
FIVE
IAN
“This is going to be sick, man.” I turn to Julian who’s in his chair watching Jamie sketch out the mural. It’s Sunday, only three weeks since Jamie’s tattoo, and that weird moment on the roof with Julian.
Okay, maybe not weird.
For the first time in a long time I wanted to kiss someone. Be kissed.
Talking about Julian’s thing with Elijah just got the wheels turning, that’s all. I was thinking about them and how lonely I’ve been and everything just got a bit messy. I think I almost leaned in to kiss him.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Today is his day off, but he wanted to come by and see what Jamie’s done.
He’s gotten the outline finished. “I’m not sure what to do with the rest of the wall.
Or do you just want it here by the station?
That won’t take too long,” Jamie says, sketching on his tablet.
“I could do something with the rest of the wall if you want.”
There is a lot of blank space. It’s a big wall and I appreciate Jamie doing this, but I’m worried about him physically. I know he’s high as hell right now, but I don’t want him to overextend and do shit that’ll mess him up. “Maybe later we can come up with something. For now, focus on this, okay?”
“You got it.” Jamie’s hooded eyes look back at Julian then a slow smile spreads on his face. “He’s checking out your ass,” he whispers so low I barely hear him.
“Shut up.”
The last thing I need is more encouragement.
I need to get my mind together. Not for the first time, I think back to that night.
It’s not like it was anything new. Julian comes over all the time.
Hell, he sleeps over sometimes. Lying there in his lap as he eased my headache just did shit to my brain.
What would I have done if he’d kissed me? I think I would have let him. Even thinking that makes my gut churn. I don’t know why. It’s like this guilt poisons me whenever I think about being physical with someone new.
I’m attracted to Julian. I mean, look at him. He’s fucking handsome. Anyone can see that. He’s hot and funny and really endearing and sweet. He’s just a great fucking guy. Who wouldn’t be attracted to him?
Today his locs are pulled into a bun on his head.
The sides and his nape are shaved, and a couple of loose locs spill in front of his face.
He’s wearing another one of those evil fucking tank tops.
I knew he would. When it’s summer out, I know he hates wearing a shirt.
Not that I’d mind him tattooing without one.
Dress codes or whatever.
“Ian?”
“Huh?” I turn to Jamie and watch him shake his head.
“I said, I made the appointment for next month, but do you think it’ll be okay then?”
“How is it healing?”
Jamie sets his tablet down and lifts his shirt to show me. The crisp black lines are healing nicely. The swelling thankfully is gone. “It’s healing great.”
I was worried. Not that I thought Jamie couldn’t take care of it, it’s just in a bad spot and I knew it would swell. “It’s looking great. I think we should wait another month, though. Maybe six weeks. I’ll have Anna move it back.”
Jamie nods, putting his shirt back down. “Noah’s looking for any excuse to rub me down with lotion.”
“As if he needs an excuse.”
“When are you guys getting married?” Julian asks.
A couple of months ago my friend proposed to Noah. He texted me after he said yes, and I’m really happy for them.
“We’re thinking October next year. Noah loves fall and I could marry him tomorrow in our sweatpants, so it’s all up to him. I want to give him the day he deserves. You’re both obviously invited. Anna too. Once we get everything started, I’ll send invitations.”
“That’s amazing.” Julian smiles, and his warm eyes flick to me then back to Jamie.
“I think that’s it for today.” Jamie looks at the outline on the wall. “I’ll be by before the tattoo appointment to get started. Probably next week. My back’s just—”
“No, hey. No rush. I appreciate this.” I smile. “It’s going to be amazing. Whenever Noah gets time.”
Jamie’s quiet for a moment. “I’ve started driving again.” He swallows a little. “It’s weird. I feel like I’m learning all over again.”
My eyes widen. “Wow, that’s huge.”
Since the accident, Jamie hasn’t been able to drive. For years he couldn’t even get into a car without having a panic attack. He’s done so much work on himself. I’m so proud of him.
“I mean, I can’t drive this distance by myself, but with Noah now I try a little of the way.” A soft smile hits his lips.
“I love this for you.” I pat his arm. “He’d be proud.”
Jamie swallows thickly looking up at the outline.
“Painting him is going to feel weird.” I watch Jamie’s throat work as he looks at the sketch of Maddox on the wall.
Angel wings are drawn at his sides in so much detail.
It’s only an outline but it already looks amazing.
Jamie’s always had an eye for detail. “You probably want to get home anyway.”
“Oh, I have some sketches I have to do and a tattoo this afternoon.”
“Tattoos? When are your days off?”
“He doesn’t have any.” Julian coughs subtly. I glare at him.
“Are you serious?” Jamie asks. “You’re going to burn yourself out.” He looks to Julian. “Tell him to take a day off.”
“I try, man.” Julian throws his hands up. “You already know my suggestion.”
Jamie turns to me. “What is he talking about?”
I glare at them both.
“I think we need to hire more artists,” Julian answers for me. “Our waitlist is insane and we’re already open seven days a week. I’m here six days a week.” Julian shakes his head.
“You don’t have to be, I told you.”
“And what, Ian?” The annoyance catches me off guard. “Make our waitlist bigger? Make you work that much harder? No. You know this isn’t sustainable.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine!” I’m taken aback by the anger in his tone. “You’re scaring me lately, actually.”
“Jules—”
“No, I watch you day in and day out. You’re burning yourself out. It’s like a wall fire Ian. It’s happening, burning, and you don’t even know it.”
“What is he talking about?” Jamie asks.
“He makes mistakes, he doesn’t realize it. He falls asleep in his chair between clients—”
“Jules—”
“When you talk now it’s like you’re fucking hollow, man. You’re exhausted and just existing. You need a break.”
“I don’t need a break. I need to catch up.” Why can’t he understand that. It’s only for a little bit. Eventually we’ll make a dent. If I don’t get these tattoos done, clients will leave and go elsewhere. Then no one will come in because we’ll be behind. Then no one will show up at all.
I’m not going to fail him.
“We’re losing clients because we can’t get to them fast enough. Our waitlist is years out, and that’s if they want to wait.”
“What’s the issue? Just hire someone.” Jamie looks between us then it clicks. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Julian’s eyes flick to mine.
Now I’m getting pissed. None of them fucking get it.
Neither of them have a right to speak on it.
“I don’t have the money to get brand new stations right now.
” We have one seat available and I keep that open for apprentices who come and go.
I’ve already pushed it with Julian being here, but what was I going to do.
Maddox wanted us to own this. That’s it. Just him and me.
How can I hire someone new and have them take his station? That’s not—I can’t do that.
“I can’t do that. That’s his station.”
Julian sighs. “Ian—”
“No.” I don’t have the money to set up a new station and Maddox would’ve been pissed. This was his dream. That is his station. “I’ll figure something else out.”
“You’re not replacing his memory if you let someone sit there. You could even sit—”
“No.” I glare at Jamie. I can’t use his station. How could I even tattoo in it? I can barely stand to be over there at all. It feels like sickness. I’m sick. I’m sick with grief. I miss him so fucking much and I hate this. I fucking hate this. What did I do to deserve this? What did Maddox do?
I wish it were me.
He had so much life to live. He was the most alive person I’ve ever met. He was brilliant and funny and so fucking obnoxious in the best way possible. I miss him. I miss him so much it’s fucking slowly rotting me from the inside out.
“I’m sorry, but this is the only logical solution. We don’t even have an apprentice right now. We need help.” Julian’s voice softens, but I’m so pissed I can’t see past it.
“What fucking part of no isn’t clear?” I breathe through my nose and try to quiet the storm inside me. “Everything will be fine.”
“Stop saying you’re fine!” Julian shouts.
“You’re fucking drowning. We have back-to-back appointments.
No rest for you. No off days. It’s nonstop, it’s not healthy.
Some days you stay until ten and get back here first thing in the morning.
We’re artists. This is supposed to be fun!
This is a cool fucking job, and you’re turning it into this corporate grind, man. I’m tired. You’re tired. We need help.”
I’ve never seen Julian this upset in the seven years I’ve known him.
I don’t think he’s ever even raised his voice except to laugh.
I feel frozen. Ashamed and hurt. “What I need is for everyone to mind their business. That’s what I need.
This is my shop, and if I don’t want to open my fucking doors to a new artist, I don’t fucking have to. ”
“Maddox wouldn’t have—”
“You didn’t fucking know him!” I scream.
My chest rattles with my breath. I try to calm down, breathe, take a step back. I blink the warmth out of my eyes, then shame hits me seeing the hurt in Julian’s. I feel like shit. “Fine.” He throws his arms up. “Fuck me, then, I guess.”
“Jules—” He’s out the door, slamming it with a rattle. I rub my eyes and try to calm down. I need a drink. Even as pissed as I am I want to follow Julian.
Something shuffles behind me. Right. Jamie. He walks over to me, and the pitying look on his face pisses me off. “What’s going on with you, man?”
“Julian just doesn’t get it.”
“Actually, I think you don’t get it. You shouldn’t be doing this to yourself. He may not have known Maddox, but I did. He’d hate this.” My stomach flips with his words.
“He didn’t want anyone else here. He said no one else. Just us running this shop.”
“That was when he thought no one would come to the shop. When he was thinking about this, he didn’t know how busy it’d get.
” His eyes go to Madd’s station. Everything is the exact same way it was.
Everything exactly how he had it. Seven years later and nothing has moved.
The only thing that comes and goes is his bracelet I wear when I go visit him on the eighth.
That station is the only thing keeping his memory alive.
“He’d be pissed I hired Julian.”
His eyes widen. “He would’ve fucking loved Julian.”
Not if he knew how I feel about him.
“Ian,” Jamie continues. “He would be so fucking proud of you. You never wanted to do this shit, you just wanted to tattoo. He knew that. He would want you to get help. He would want you to hire new people. You never expected to do any of this alone.”
“And because you couldn’t watch your sister for ten fucking minutes, now I have to.” Jamie’s face pales and my guts twist as what I just said registers. Holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? “Jamie, wait, no. Wait. I didn’t—”
He ignores me, going over to the wall and taking his supplies, cleaning up. I don’t know what to say. I’m stuck. Heat burns my eyes. Holy shit, I can’t believe I said that.
My mouth opens but no sound comes out.
Finally he walks back to me, and I watch the way his eyes glaze over, and it’s definitely not from the weed. Fuck.
“I know you didn’t mean that, but it was real shitty of you to say.” He swallows hard and I have to look away. My brain screams at me to apologize. “I think I’m going to cancel our next tattoo session. I need some space.” He looks back at the wall. “I’ll finish that for him, though. Don’t worry.”
“Jamie, wait—”
He stops then and slowly turns to look at me. “If you think every day of my life I don’t regret leaving that party, you don’t know me at all. I play the what-if game every waking fucking minute, Ian. I just thought you understood that.”
“Wait.” Like Julian, he slams the door on his way out.
I collapse at Anna’s desk and press my palms into my eyes. My lip wobbles as I breathe through my nose. It’s like this heavy weight sits on top of my chest. I get up and look over the shop.
I remember the day Maddox told me he’d bought this place. I nearly fucking killed him. He was so impulsive. Once he had his mind set on something, that was it.
I walk to my station and open up the bottle of whiskey I have there for emergencies. I don’t even bother with a glass before I take a healthy swig, then I drop down into my chair and swivel, looking at Maddox’s station.
“I hate you.”
I know it’s a lie. I hate how physical this feels. I hate that after seven years I’m still in so much pain. I knew I was going to miss him forever. I’d just hoped that the grief would get easier.
I think I start to cry. I know I start to scream. Drinking and drowning. The world swims before I realize I’m halfway through the bottle. Everything has this soft loose edge that makes me smile. My head tips back as I spin in my chair, watching the ceiling spin like a wind turbine.
I feel free.
I swallow and glare back at Maddox’s station. I’ve always wanted a memorial piece for him by his station. I knew Jamie was the one to do it. I wanted to pay him but we worked out the deal with the tattoo.
I just fucked up one of my longest friendships.
I take another swig and wipe the back of my mouth.
On shaky legs I move to Maddox’s station.
I look at his things. He hadn’t had a chance to put some packages away, they’re still stacked by his station.
Unopened. I have no idea what they even are.
He always had his sketchbook on the desk.
It’s still there with his planner full of appointments he never got to fulfill.
He was working on a tattoo for someone before.
They were going to be his first tattoo in this shop.
I had to call her the week after he died.
On the mirror, photos of us are tucked into the frame. One of Anna and him when they were teenagers—she looks almost unrecognizable now. There’s one of Jamie and Luci, and him at some bonfire.
I take another drink and look at the one of my wrist. The infinity symbol.
He took it right after he gave me that tattoo. My first tattoo.
He told me he gave it to me to remember him by. I asked him why he thought I’d want to remember him.
He said, “If I have my way, you’ll never forget me.”
For the first time since that day, I wish that I could.