12. Ian #2
With our knees pressed tight together neither of us says a word. I hear faint footsteps somewhere down the hall. “What’s wrong?” I ask as his dark brows pull together. “What?”
He shrugs. “I’ve had guys I’ve dated get annoyed by it. I just can’t sit in front of a TV and not do anything. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. Sometimes people think it’s rude.” He swallows. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want to watch.”
“I don’t think that.” Those dicks. I don’t know much about the guys he’s dated. I’ve seen a couple over the years but never made a move to get to know them. Maybe it was jealousy or instinct, but I never liked any of them. None of them were good enough. “We’re going to have an awesome movie day.”
A soft knock lands on the door. It’s enough to make Jules pull away like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t.
I get up and go to the door, and Xia’s standing there with a giant tray. “Holy shi—” I bite my lip. “Wow. This is—wow.” I look at the spread and take the heavy tray from her. Crackers, various cuts of pepperoni, salami, and cheeses. There are also a few small bags of chips. What I don’t see is—
Alexander walks upstairs with a what looks like a pitcher and a basket of various packets. “What is all this?”
“Well, I thought you might both like some snacks for your movie. There are chips, crackers and cheese, some packets of popcorn. You’re welcome to use the microwave in here, and Alexander has the water boiler so you can choose tea or hot chocolate. There’s plenty more downstairs if you run out.”
Julian thanks Alexander and takes the pitcher and basket of tea, setting it on the cabinet with the microwave. “Thank you. This is—wow. Thanks.”
“Just be careful with that water, it comes out boiling hot. Just let it cool.” Xia smiles, looking around the room then at the TV with the movie queued.
“Jurassic Park,” Julian says quickly.
“Dinosaurs,” I add.
She smiles, softer now. “Good choice.”
“Alright, well, we should probably leave them to it.” Alexander tries to steer his wife out of the room.
“You boys have fun, and if you need anything, just ask.” Her voice trails them out the door.
“Thank you,” I call out, shutting it softly behind them.
Julian gets up and grabs a mug to make himself a cup of tea. I’m not really a tea person, so I choose a cup of hot cocoa. He puts his steaming mug carefully on his end table and leans back against the headboard, his sketchbook open now on his lap.
I place the tray between us on the bed, then grab my steaming mug, setting it carefully on my nightstand. “Ready?” he asks softly.
“For dinosaurs?” I laugh.
“For all of it.” I look over at him. There’s something loaded in his words. Not just the movies, or the food. Not the tea or hot cocoa.
All of it.
This entire trip.
I think I am ready for it.
Julian’s fingers curl around his pencil as he settles against the bed. “You ready?”
“Yeah.”
I press play.
My eyes open, and at first I think everything is blurry from the haze of sleep, but I realize it’s dark right now.
The screen is the only bright light in the room.
It takes me a moment to realize I fell asleep somewhere in the middle of The Incredibles.
“You could turn the brighter light on if you want to draw.”
“I didn’t want to wake you.” He smiles down at me. “I was scrolling on my phone.”
I look up at the TV. We watched Jurassic Park and Ponyo—a great movie, Jules was right. The animation in it was incredible. Then I must have passed out. I look up and see a young Tim Curry in a lab coat. “Rocky Horror?”
He nods. “I can restart it.”
“That’s okay. I’ve seen it. What time is it?”
“About eight.” The soft patter of rain still echoes throughout the room. Everything feels quiet except the movie, and Julian’s sketchbook is in his lap. “What did you draw?”
I sit up on my pillow and he hands me the book. I look at the paper and laugh. “Wow.”
He shrugs. I look at the T. rex with its tiny arms, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses. A little suitcase sits at his feet. “How is he going to carry his luggage?”
Julian laughs softly, taking the book back. “I did another one.” He flips the page and I see another he did of a tiny baby T. rex inside his egg, half his body peeking through as he stands inside the shell. “This is cool. I kind of want it as a tattoo.”
Julian smiles, taking the sketchbook back. “Done. When we get back.”
He looks up at me, the movie playing in the background.
I can feel his warmth. He’s sitting so close but neither of us moves away.
Julian must have cleaned up our dishes because the tray with the food is gone and our mugs are on a dresser.
“Xia came and took most of the dishes. She brought us clean mugs and refilled the water if you want some.
“She’s really nice,” I murmur.
He sinks more into the bed. There’s barely any space between us.
It feels like he’s giving me time to pull away, but I don’t want to.
There’s so much weight in his eyes, and I just want to lean into him.
My eyes flick to his full lips. Warm and soft.
He licks them, and my eyes track the slow movement of his tongue before he tucks it back behind his lips.
I want to kiss him. This is it. Go for it. Just kiss him. I lean into him, and my heart hammers in my chest.
His warm hand braces against my chest, holding me back gently. I blink my eyes open, and mortification soaks into my skin. Something like pity flashes in his eyes.
The movie keeps playing but I feel frozen.
“Jules, I’m sorry, I—” What did I just do? “I didn’t . . . I mean, I just thought. I didn’t mean—”
“Hey, it’s not that, it’s . . . I care about you, Ian.” He smiles.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” And I sure as fuck won’t let it happen again. Holy shit, how did I read this so wrong? “That was. Wow. That was bad. I um, wow.” I laugh nervously. “I don’t know why—I mean obviously you don’t—”
“Hey.” His fingers cradle my face. I want to peel away and dive under these covers. “Just relax, okay. It’s not that, it’s just, I don’t—” His fingers slip, his eyes settling in his lap.
“You don’t what, Jules?”
“I don’t want to be the person you reach for just because you’re lonely,” he says gently. “Just because everything else is falling apart.”
My gaze snaps to his. “I’m not.” What is he talking about? “This isn’t about that.”
He gives me a sad smile. “I think maybe it might be. A least a little.”
Silence swells between us, thick and suffocating. The storm presses against the windows, filling the awkward silence that follows. Why did I do that? Why? Fuck, what did I just do? “I shouldn’t have—I mean, I just—” I can’t even form a normal thought.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I really am.”
“Yeah,” I manage. “Me too.”
He shifts a little, moving more to the other side of the bed. Not far, just enough to put a little space between us. I don’t know what I can do to fix this.
We finish the movie and choose another, and we pretend to move past it, but I can’t force my brain to think about anything else. The first time I make a move and I fail spectacularly.
What the hell is wrong with me?