14. Julian
FOURTEEN
JULIAN
“The sun feels good.”
Ian leans back, and his eyes flick to mine.
They’re this bluish green that reminds me of a lake.
Darker than the ocean in front of us with this green hue to them.
After golfing we found a place to eat down here by the pier.
Now my legs swing as we sit on the boardwalk, and while the ocean in front is beautiful, I only see him.
It’s hot, the sun beating down on us both, and he took his shirt off when we came to sit down here.
With no shirt on, those tattoos form a map for my tongue.
I’ve never felt like this, and I need to know he feels a little of it too. Last night I was afraid to trust it, but our kiss at the golf course hasn’t left my mind. His lips, tongue, the way his body molded to mine.
It felt like I’ve always thought it would.
I just want to know where his head is at. Was he trying to take a step in moving on, or was it real? Did he really want to kiss me? Or was it just part of his plan to help him move on? I know what he said, but sometimes I don’t even think Ian knows what he wants.
I’ve danced around this feeling for years now, and until this trip I thought I was dancing solo, but I think maybe Ian’s been dancing with me. Only, instead of dancing around this boundary, he’s dancing around his grief. “Talk to me. Help me understand.”
I can see the war play out in his mind behind those eyes. “Every time I hear his name it’s like this knife cuts a little deeper. Like it’s punctured my lung and I can’t breathe. I don’t know.”
I slide my fingers into his and squeeze. The water laps softly against the pier. It smells like sunshine and salt out here. The air feels different than in New York.
“How did you two meet?”
A smile springs to his lips. “I was drawing at a diner. I was just getting coffee, and I think I was irritating my waitress.” He looks at me with a grin. “Now I know I was definitely irritating her, but I also kind of love her.”
“Anna?”
He nods. “My mom had this boyfriend. He was awful, but since my dad died, she was a little lost. I didn’t want to give her too much shit about it.
I left while they were fighting. I was just drawing, and all of a sudden this boy drops into the seat in front of me.
Black curly hair, greenish brown eyes with this spark in them that I knew meant trouble.
He grinned at me and fuck, I was gone then.
He was such a shit starter.” He laughs. “He asked me if I wanted a tattoo. Anna came over and showed me the ones he’d done.
That crane she has . . . that was one of his first.”
“Are you serious?”
He nods. “I know, right. He was beyond talented.” Ian flips our hands over, showing me his wrist. “This was my first one.”
“Why an infinity symbol?”
“He said we met on the eighth. Our birthdays are on the eighth. It was destiny. He said he gave it to me so I wouldn’t forget him.
” I watch him swallow then he surprises me with a laugh.
“I said, ‘What makes you think I want to remember you?’ and he said, ‘If I have it my way, you’ll never forget me.’” He blows out a breath. “Fuck, he was right.”
“Is that why you go down to the cemetery on the eighth?”
He nods. “Yeah, we never spent them apart. Well, that’s not true.
He missed one of them, and I gave him shit for it.
He was so busy sometimes. Hyperfocused on achieving his dreams. He was working like crazy.
That’s why I go on the eighths. Those are our days.
Then he died on the eighth. A month to the day before our opening of the shop.
We were supposed to open August eighth. He died on July eighth.
I had to push back the opening, which you know.
” He smiles sadly. Oh yeah, I remember that day, because Ian and I met on the eighth as well.
A month after his shop opened. I remember it like it was yesterday.
Fate or coincidence I’m not sure. What I do know is that day changed my life.
“What was he like?”
Ian leans back, the sun shining down around us both.
It’s a nice break from the gloomy weather that’s trapped us here.
“Fucking brilliant and talented. He never let anyone tell him what to do or what he was capable of. The hardest worker I’ve ever met.
He never saw limits, just challenges he needed to conquer.
” He draws in a shaky breath. “Sometimes I wonder what he would have made of the shop had he lived. I know it would’ve been amazing.
Flourishing. There wasn’t anything he couldn’t do. ”
“He sounds incredible.”
“It was exhausting.” He laughs. “I miss him so much it feels physical.” He swallows thickly. “I’m so tired, Jules. So fucking tired,” he whispers.
I throw my arm around him, hugging him close to me, and before I know it he’s falling apart. I rub his arms and hold him while he comes undone. “I know you are.” I kiss the top of his head.
“I’m ashamed of how I act. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of feeling his absence in every breath I take. I miss him, but I know I can’t have him. No matter how miserable I make myself, it’ll never bring him back. But I don’t know how to get better.”
He pulls himself out of my arms and turns a little toward me, balancing on the edge of the dock.
“I’m sorry about how I’ve been since we got here. You’re doing your best and I’m not helping. I appreciate everything you do for me, I want you to know that.” He’s quiet for a moment and I’m too shocked by his honesty to speak. “I don’t want to be like this anymore.”
I reach out and cup his face, feeling the way he leans into me. “I know.”
“Sometimes it feels like a betrayal when I’m happy.
It makes me feel selfish.” He slips his fingers back into mine.
“I want to get better. I want to start living again. But sometimes it feels like this is all I’ll ever feel.
Jamie moved on. Anna moved on. Everyone is moving on and I’m stuck.
” He looks at me again. “I don’t want to be stuck anymore.
” His eyes drop to my lips. “And then that kiss . . . damn, Jules.”
I smile. “Yeah.”
“Yeah.” He chuckles. “I want to do that again.”
I lick my lips. “Me too.”
His eyes flick to them then he leans in, softly pressing his lips against me. I feel like my chest is going to explode. His lips are so soft. His tongue swipes against mine, leading the way, and I deepen the kiss, needing more but trying not to get too greedy.
He pulls back to press tiny kisses along my mouth. “If we were going back to the inn, what would that look like?” Slowly, I pull back. “Hypothetically.”
“Hypothetically?”
He nods.
“What would I want?”
He nods again.
He licks his lips. My eyes snap to the movement before climbing back up his face.
“I’d want you to touch me, and I’d want to touch you.”
We nearly trip running up the stairs to our room. It feels a bit cold in here, but I don’t have time to fully feel it before Ian’s lips are back on mine the second the door closes. I lift my arms and let him take my shirt off.
His eyes roam over my tattoos drinking them in. Most of mine are his work. We’ve had apprentices over the years who have done ones here and there, but most of them are his.
And I really want his lips on them.
I reach out and drag my fingers over the galaxy on his chest. “I love this tattoo.” His heavy eyes land on me. “It’s like your heart is made of stars.” I grin.
“I’d say I love yours too, but that feels a little self-obsessed.
” I laugh. “I love the way you wear them, though.” He steps closer, his fingers smoothing over my jaw.
It’s been days since I shaved and I feel his fingers scratch through the stubble.
Then they climb until they lace together at the nape of my neck, his thumb smoothing under my ear. “Right here.”
“What?” The word comes out breathy making him smile wider.
“I’m thinking a tattoo right here.” I knock his hand away, glaring at his sharp laugh. “What? You wouldn’t want my lips on your neck?” He sticks his tongue between his teeth.
“I don’t fucking think so.” He steps closer, making my mock anger disappear. “What—” Then he leans in, touching his lips to my throat. My dick twitches as he presses me firmly against the wall, the warmth of his lips sending shivers down my spine. “Ian.”
He pulls back and I smash my mouth against his again, grabbing his body to me.
Kissing him hard, I walk him back to the bed and let him fall onto it, then I crawl up the bed and hover over him.
His legs widen, letting me fit between his thighs, and my body has a mind of its own, rolling my hips against him as I drink in the soft sounds that spill from his lips.
“What do you want?” I whisper and nip at his lower lip.
“I don’t know.” His fingers roam over my chest. “I just know I need something.”
“Can I take your pants off?”
He nods, flicking the button of his jeans and pulling the zipper down. “You too, Jules.”
I sit up, but instead of pulling off my own, I dip my fingers into the band of his jeans and boxers. My heart hammers in my chest. Ian unbuttons them, allowing me to drag them down his hips as he lifts. His dick slaps against his stomach.
My mouth waters. “Fuck.” So fucking hard. He’s a nice size, with a thick vein up his shaft that I want to run tongue across.
“Come on.” Insecurity flashes behind his eyes, and I kiss him quickly before standing up and slipping off my sweats and briefs in one go.
His attention going to my dick. All my own insecurity dies when I see heat roar in his eyes.
“Holy shit.” He swallows, staring at my dick.
“I know what I want to do now. Like, right now.”
With a laugh I get back on the bed and he wraps his legs around my waist. His hairy calves smooth across my skin before pressing on my ass and pulling me closer to him. My cock runs along his belly. “I’m not ready for sex,” he says quickly. “I’m sorry. It’s not because I’m freaking out, I just—”