Chapter 6 #4
If I doubted that then, I was sure of its falsehood by the time I made my way to the pool area, where most of the boys from my grade were in the pool, and the girls were sitting in the Balinese-style cabana talking amongst themselves.
It took me all of three seconds to realise that Elsie had made the wrong choice with my attire – I was the only girl in a one-piece and suddenly felt like a child amongst adults, my braid babyish and wrong.
‘Nora, you made it,’ Poppy said, with no real joy in her voice.
I handed her the gift Mum had bought, a bracelet-making kit and some stationery covered in pictures of cats. She peered into the gift bag and grimaced, but thanked me as I am sure she was taught to do.
‘The boys are being so crazy, we’re going to wait until all the girls are here before we get in,’ another girl from our school group, Mara, announced.
Mara had blonde hair and a tan, which, I understood, made up for a lot of other things about her.
She and Poppy were best friends, BFFs, with the silver necklaces to prove it.
They sat close together, and I squeezed around the low table to find a spot where I could best hide from the boys’ view.
The boys in my grade were personas non grata to me, threatening in their wild and unpredictable behaviour, and best avoided.
Their wrestling and dive-bombing in the water proved this.
It had taken me years, but at least I understood how to navigate the social dynamics of the girls. Or I thought I did.
‘Your swimmers are cute,’ Mara said, and the other girls tittered, avoiding my eyes.
‘Thanks. My mum bought them for me for the party,’ I replied, only realising once it had left my mouth that this was the wrong thing to say.
‘Is your family, like, super religious or something?’ someone else asked. I cannot remember who it was, nor did I understand the implication of this question.
‘No . . .’
‘Her mum is friends with my mum, and her older brother is, like, super cute,’ Poppy said, talking like an American tween on a Netflix show and giving an explanation as to why I was there, validating my attendance by proxy of my apparently attractive brother.
Once a handful of other girls from our grade had arrived, the group consensus was that it was time to get into the water.
I followed behind, pulling at my straps and willing my mind to leave my body so I could make it through the rest of the party.
Whatever happened, this would all be over in an hour or two.
I became aware that the girls were very aware of how the boys perceived them getting into the pool.
They were giggling and clutching one another, cold water soon splashed their way by all the Ryans and Beaus and Noahs of Year Seven.
I stepped off the bottom step and submerged my whole body and head in one quick motion.
When I resurfaced, there were girls climbing onto boys’ shoulders, and a mysterious wrestling game began.
I stayed in the corner of the pool, taking it all in.
‘Nora hasn’t had a go – you take her next, Noah!’ Poppy shouted, after celebrating her win over Harper, who was splashing around, trying to regain her footing.
‘It’s okay,’ I started, hoping to be excluded from the narrative.
‘Fuck no,’ Noah replied, one foul look in my direction apparently enough to decide I was not going to be going anywhere near his shoulders that day, or any day.
‘Go on, at least she’ll be lighter than Harper,’ Mara called.
Harper’s face fell and I saw her sink her totally normal and fine body under the water, leaving only her eyes and nose in view.
‘I’m okay, I don’t want to play,’ I replied, and swam towards Harper to try and show my support.
The game continued without us. Harper and I chatted for a bit, about our pets and about the upcoming transition to high school.
Year Seven would move to become part of high school the following year, and I was glad we had scraped through with the extra year in primary school to prepare.
Harper was going to a different school, and she seemed glad about that.
I started to feel safe in her company, which was my next mistake.
‘Do you want to play mermaids?’ I asked, a game Olivia and I still enjoyed any time we holidayed somewhere that had a pool.
‘Mermaids?’ she asked, a sceptical look on her face.
‘Yeah,’ I replied, starting to sense my regret.
‘Oh my God, Poppy. Nora just asked me to play mermaids!’ she yelled, scathing, across the pool, to where Poppy and Mara were sitting on the edge, sunning their bodies.
‘Aww, that’s cute. We should play mermaids,’ Mara called back, her tone mocking and sharp.
Everyone in the pool stopped what they were doing and began to perform a mass, mocking rendition of the game I had so loved. They made jokes about H2O, and flopped their bodies like fish from one side of the pool to the other.
‘Come on, Nora. Join in,’ Poppy said, looking to those around her for support.
‘I’m okay,’ I replied, making my way slowly to the steps.
By the time I was getting out, all eyes were on me.
‘You know, if you’re old enough to have that many pubes, you’re probably too old to play mermaids,’ Mara said, pointing to the bottom of my swimsuit with one hand covering her mouth.
The shrieking intensified until I wrapped myself in my towel and went to sit in the cabana.
The memory is cloudy after that. When Mum arrived, I told her I had a migraine, and she was thoroughly annoyed at her missed opportunity to drink wine with the other adults back in the house.
I made things hard not being an easy child.
Shame brings intense nausea recalling any of this, though in my angriest moments I have thought of a thousand nasty come-backs I should have responded with.
Mum allowed me my own razor the following year.