Chapter 8
MILA
“You know when he visited me last?” I ask, shocked.
“Five years ago,” he grumbles. “He didn’t come and visit you when you went through all of that? Little One, why didn’t he? You were going through so much.”
“I told him not to,” I whisper.
“What was that?” He pulls the car to the side of the road. He faces me, but I quickly look away from him.
Danger. Danger.
“What did you just say?”
“I told him not to come,” I reply, still not looking at him.
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t want him to take time off for that reason. He made sure to call me every single day,” I add quickly. “Sometimes he called me twice a day. Though that was only when I was in the hospital.”
“You were in the hospital?”
I nod. Tobias looks angry as he processes every word I say.
“How bad was it?” he asks.
“I had a broken arm and a concussion.”
“I don’t know if I want to ask this,” he mumbles before grabbing my hands with his. “How long did your company give you off?”
I shake my head, not wanting to answer that. If he’s already mad that I was in the hospital and told Aiden not to come visit, he was not going to like the answer to this question.
“Mila, answer the question. Tell me how long they gave you to recuperate and deal with everything,” he demands.
Tears pool in my eyes, the ones I’ve been trying to suppress since the car accident.
“I can’t,” I choke out.
“It’s okay, I’m here for you. Just tell me how long you got off.”
“One,” I manage to get out before the lump in my throat stops me.
“One month?” he asks and I shake my head. “One year?”
Another shake of my head and Tobias takes a deep breath.
“One week?” he asks and I nod my head.
One week for me to get over my concussion and deal with everything related to the car accident and their deaths.
“Little One,” he breathes.
I take a deep breath before looking at him, forcing a smile onto my face. “It’s okay. I needed it.”
Honestly I think if they gave me more time off, I wouldn’t have been able to go back to work. I don’t think I would have survived. I would have gone down a path that led me into darkness.
“Little One,” Tobias says again. “That isn’t okay.”
“But it was. They really needed me back, and I needed to keep my mind off everything,” I whisper toward the end.
It had been hard to go back to work after only a week. The constant reminder of what happened while my broken arm was healing. But I pushed through it every single day, going to work, answering Aiden’s calls, and falling asleep so I didn’t have to think about it.
“It’s not,” he says. “You didn’t have any time to grieve or heal properly.”
I look down at our hands and let out a shaky breath. We are getting into dangerous territory.
“Can we stop talking about it?” I ask. “I just want to not think about it.”
Pulling my head up, I look at him through my blurry vision. I don’t want to cry again because I know if I start crying about this, there is no going back. I won’t be able to stop crying.
He sighs. “Are you sure you want to stop talking about it? I think it would help relieve some of the guilt you are feeling.”
“I’m not feeling guilt.” My voice betrays me.
I feel it every single day.
If I had been awake, would I have warned them?
Would they still be alive?
Would I have died with them?
“I think you have survivor’s guilt, and it’s a very real thing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” A single tear slides down my face. “I don’t want to.”
Tobias cups my face with his warm hands and gently wipes away the tears. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now, but I want to talk about it at some point. It’s not healthy to keep it all bottled in. You aren’t doing yourself any favors.”
I nod before leaning into his right hand, closing my eyes.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers. “You aren’t alone anymore.”
I shouldn’t allow those words to affect me so much, but my heart squeezes. I know I’ve never been alone really since Aiden calls me so often, but hearing Tobias say those words, it just does something to me.
“I’m here for you through everything. We are going to get through this together. I’ll be your rock when you need someone to lean on. I’ll protect you from everything so you don’t get harmed again,” he whispers. “You aren’t alone.”
I take a shaky breath in before opening my eyes.
“There you are.” He smiles. “Do you need a hug?”
I nod before I can chicken out. When was the last time I got a hug? When Aiden came and visited me five years ago.
Tobias unbuckles my seat and helps me crawl over to his lap. It’s awkward and a tight fit as the steering wheel digs into my back, but when his arms go around me, I melt into his embrace.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers. “We’re going to sit here as long as you need. You just focus on getting your hug in.”
I completely relax into Tobias as we sit like this for who knows how long.
“I’m going to give you two options,” he says slowly. “If you don’t want to decide, you just let me know.”
“Okay,” I whisper, snuggling into his chest.
My legs are starting to ache from the position I’m in, but I try my best to ignore them. I’m not ready to let go of him yet.
“Do you want to continue on our journey to the lodge or do you want to stop tonight?” he asks. “By the time we get there, it’s going to be late and everyone will probably be asleep. Besides Aiden.”
My fist curls around Tobias’ soft shirt. “I don’t know.”
I know we shouldn’t keep putting off getting there or else Aiden is going to think something is up, but at the same time I don’t know if I want to see him tonight. Not after all these conversations I’ve had with Tobias.
“Are you going to tell Aiden about what we talked about?” I pull away to look him in the eye.
“Are you going to tell him?” he shoots right back.
I shake my head. “He doesn’t need to know. It’s been years. It is only going to cause him heartache.”
Tobias cups my face. “But he needs to know. You’ve been lying to him and I know it must not be making you feel good, right?”
I nod.
“And the only way to ease that is to tell the truth, then get a punishment, correct?” he asks, and I nod once again. “Then, at some point while you are here, you need to tell him.”
“But I don’t want to make him feel guilty,” I mumble.
“Then you should have thought about that at the time or very soon after,” he replies gently. “I know you don’t want to, but he has a right to know. I don’t want to keep this from him. So I’m giving you a chance to tell him at some point while you are here. Understand?”
I nod.
“Words, Little one.”
“Yes.” Daddy is on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it in.
He isn’t my Daddy. He is just being nice and driving me from point A to point B and feels some sort of responsibility to make sure that I am healthy on the way. At least that’s what I’m telling myself with each passing hour.
But Tobias has done several things that make me wonder if he sees more with me than just a passenger. I know he’s told me that he wants to take care of me for the rest of my life, but he doesn’t know me.
“Good girl. Now, let me help you back into your seat, and we’ll continue on with our drive,” he says.
“I don’t know if I want to go there tonight,” I whisper.
“And why is that?”
“Because I don’t want him to ask me a million questions tonight. I’m already tired, and it’s only going to get worse…”
“I bet with one look, he’ll know that you need rest and not to be scolded tonight. Trust him. He won’t do anything bad,” he murmurs as he helps me climb back into my seat.
He buckles me up, and I hold my breath the whole time. Something inside me tingles every single time Tobias takes care of me. What is he doing to me?
“Is everything okay?” he asks. “Breathe.”
I take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.
“Good girl. Now, do you want to tell me if everything is okay?” he asks. “What has you holding your breath?”
“You’re doing things for me,” I blurt out without thinking.
“I’m doing things for you?”
I nod.
Does that sound ridiculous? When was the last time someone had done things for me without me having to ask?
“I don’t think I like where this is going,” he mutters before looking me in the eyes. “Do you do everything for yourself?”
“Yes.”
He sighs. “Well, I hope you get over that because from now on I’m going to be doing things for you.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I mumble.
“Just accept it. I want to take care of you and treat you like a princess,” he explains and starts the car. “There are a few things we need to talk about before we get to the lodge.”
“Like what?” I wrinkle my nose. “I don’t really like to discuss things.”
“Like your sleeping arrangements and who is going to be looking after you while you are there. Things like that. You do know about the lodge and the rules, right?”
“Of course. Aiden has told me about it every time we talk on the phone. I even read the contract that he sent me,” I proudly say. “I know things.”
“Perfect. If you ever forget or are unsure about things, anyone who lives there will gladly answer your questions. Now, when we are there, do you want to stay with me or with Aiden?”
I start to play with my hands. I know Aiden and want to be with him, but there is just something about Tobias that pulls me toward him. Whatever it is makes me want to stay with him the whole time I’m there.
“You can always change your mind if you’re worried about that.
Neither one of us is going to get our feelings hurt,” he says.
“I would personally love for you to stay with me so we can get to know each other better, but I understand if you aren’t comfortable with that.
If you want to stay with Aiden, all I ask is that we can still get to know each other during your stay. ”
“I’ll stay with you,” I whisper before I can stop myself.
I shut my eyes tightly and take a deep breath. Everything is going to be okay.
“Okay, I’ll let Thorin know. If you ever change your mind, just let anyone know and we’ll change it for you. But can I ask a question?”
I hum.
“Are you doing this so Aiden won’t find anything out?” he asks. “I don’t want you running away from something.”
“It didn’t cross my mind, but it does sound appealing. I don’t want to be with him all the time,” I mumble toward the end. “But it’s not the reason I chose to stay with you.”
Heat rises to my cheeks and I look out the window, not wanting him to get any sight of me blushing.
“What is your reason then? I’m just curious.”
I open and close my mouth several times.
“I feel comfortable with you. Well, I feel comfortable with Aiden too, but I’ve never felt this comfortable to be able to fall asleep in the car.
I don’t know what it is about you. You just make me comfortable and I feel safe.
But you also see right through me without doing anything.
I can’t hide a single thing. It’s really frustrating, but at the same time… ”
I take a deep breath. “At the same time it’s also refreshing knowing that someone can. I didn’t think it was possible, and now I don’t know what I’m saying. Maybe you could just tell me to be quiet so that I’ll stop sharing things that I really don’t want to and embarrass myself even more.”
“Breathe,” he reminds me. “Just several deep breaths and slowly let them out.”
I do as he says and feel my whole body relaxing.
“Good girl,” he purrs. “I want you to know several things. I’m glad that you feel comfortable and safe with me.
It brings me so much joy that I can be that for you.
I’m also glad that I can see right through you because it means you don’t have to pretend to be okay.
You can be how you want to be and express whatever feelings you want to express. ”
Tears pool in my eyes, and I fan them quickly, trying to stop myself. When that doesn’t work, I sit forward and stick my eyes right in front of the air vent, drying my eyes out.
“Mila, what are you doing?” Tobias asks. “Sit back before something happens.”
“I was just trying to stop myself from crying,” I say as I sit back down.
Panic flies across his face. “Why are you crying?”
“Just… you said. No one has said those words to me in a while,” I whisper.
“No one?”
I shrug. “I mean, Aiden has a couple of times, but it’s over the phone and I can never see him. It’s different because it isn’t in person and I see him as a brother. But with you—” I stop myself.
Everything with him is different.
Every.
Single.
Thing.
“Oh, Little One.” He reaches over with his free hand and grabs mine. “Everything is going to change now.”