Chapter 9
9
Leche & Herb (Maybe)
Wrapped in a blanket, Herb rests lifeless in my lap as Chip speeds through the streets of downtown. “Where is it?” I ask, tears blurring my vision as I stare down at my man.
Relief guiltily finds me when I realize that Herb isn’t my only man now, and while I shouldn’t be thinking of how much I adore Chip with Herb out of commission, I can’t help myself.
I’m lucky to have found him. But can we make it together without Herb?
“I love him,” I tell Chip as he steers cautiously through a narrow parking lot, a brick building adjacent. “He was the first man to understand my needs and not shame me and like, I know he’s not an actual man, still, he’s… something to me.”
Chip throws the car into park and unclips his belt. With a napkin he takes from the center console, he carefully cleans up Herb’s mouth before gently coiling his cable and tucking it away. “I know. He’s something to me, too,” Chip says, reaching out for Herb. I press a kiss to the edge of his wide mouth, and pass him over to Chip.
“C’mon, this is a 24-hour hospital,” Chip assures me, knocking open his door with his large leg. “They’ll know what to do. They’ll know how to save Herb.”
Nodding, I hop out and race to his side, shutting his door for him. We slowly wrap the building, and find a neon sign flickering in an old, foggy window. 24 HOUR VACUUM REPAIR HOSPITAL. Chip nods to me. “This is it. Let’s stay positive, it’s going to be okay, they’re gonna help him.”
Again, I stay silent and nod, wiping away the tears I can’t keep at bay.
If anything happens to Herb, I’ll be devastated. I love him for all the support and orgasms he’s given me. For not judging me. For always being there. For sucking my nipples and clit so hard my toes curl and my eyes roll.
He’s the best.
A small, stout man appears from behind a purple curtain, his eyes immediately going to Herb wrapped up in a Spiderman blanket.
“He stopped breathing about twenty minutes ago,” Chip says, holding Herb out, waiting for the man to take him.
From behind silver rimmed glasses, he peers between us, brows dipping. “Come again?
I clear my throat, finding courage to speak. I’ll do anything to help Herb. “He just… his little motor stopped. He was still plugged in, the rest of our powered items still worked, he just… he stopped.”
The man glances at Chip and finally takes Herb in his arms, leaving the blanket behind. “Why is the vacuum wrapped in a blanket?” he asks, judgment thick in his tone.
This is why Herb and I are night cleaners. Because no one is around. We tried daytime cleaning for a while, but as soon as I showed Herb any affection, I was judged. This guy is reminding me of the cruel, judgemental world. I narrow my eyes, but remind myself we’re here to save Herb.
“So he didn’t get cold,” I draw out slowly. “Anyway, he just stopped working.” I wring my hands together nervously as Chip drapes his arm along the back of my shoulders. “Can you save him?”
The man, who I notice now is wearing a nametag that says MILCH. I wag a finger at him, bouncing on my toes. “This is fate! You’re going to save Herb, I just know it!”
I turn to Chip, taking his Sonic t-shirt between my fists as I pull him to me. “Milch is German for milk! It’s a sign!” I rock to my toes and seal my lips to his, celebrating the good news. When our kiss breaks, Milch looks more confused and irritable than before.
“Who is Herb?” he asks, dry and unenthused. He’s definitely not doing justice to the name Milch, but he gets a pass because he may save our guy.
I nod toward the Wet/Dry shop vac. “Him.”
Milch looks at the vacuum, just now seeing for the first time the heart doodles in silver glitter pen and the name HERB scrawled across his lid. His eyes come to mine, veer to Chips, then back to Herb.
“Okay, so this vac turned off, that’s what happened?” he asks, sighing.
Chip nods. “Yeah, he turned off but was plugged in and… that’s all we know.”
I loop my arms around his waist, and take comfort in the way he returns his arm around me, hugging me to him.
“I’ll have to open it up and check the filters first, then the tanks, and onto the motor, okay?” he says, laying out his plans specifically. I like that– I like when doctors tell you exactly what they’re doing in your loved ones so you aren’t left to wonder. Or worse, Google.
“Okay,” I nod, my heart racing with fear.
I know what you’re thinking. Why can’t I just buy a new shop vac if Herb doesn’t make it, right? Because that’s not how it works with attachment and love, that’s why. I can go buy some ridiculous Dyson but he won’t understand me. He won’t know how to suck me, please me, be there for me, not the way Herb does.
For me, it’s Herb Hoover or bust.
Milch slips into some leather gloves, and I don’t press my luck but I hope those have been sanitized since his last client. He drags his fingers along the rim, finding the three metal clips that keep Herb’s head on. I take his head off a few times a day to empty and clean his tanks, which I liken to washing my lover’s underwear or changing his sheets. It’s all part of the love and relationship we’re in.
Setting the body aside, Milch pulls the filter from the dry vac side, and holds it up to the light. “Clean. Very, very clean.” He replaces the filter and gives us a nod of approval. But of course I keep my Herbie clean, I’m a good lover.
Next he plucks the wet filter out, which is less clean but still pretty clean. After all, I washed the filter yesterday before all of our fun tonight. Milch’s eyes narrow and before we can stop him, he brings the filter to his nose and takes a long inhale.
“Is that–” he drops the filter to the counter, drops of white splashing his counter. I don’t know if it’s cum or milk, but either way, I pull my handkerchief from my pocket and swipe over it.
Milch looks between us, mouth open.
“Don’t judge the contents of the filter, just fix him,” Chip grits, his anger over Herb’s well-being making me suddenly horny amidst the chaos. I stay focused on Herb, on healing him. Milch can judge all he wants. I don’t care.
Wiping his hands on a shop towel, Milch replaces the filter and looks into the tank. He looks up at us. “What’s in here?” He studies the tank as he moves it in his hand, making the contents slosh.
“Why don’t you taste it and find out,” I grit out, angry that he’s more focused on our lifestyle than our guy. “Herb needs you to fix him, Milch. Can you fix him or are you bad at your job?”
His spine straightens, as if the challenge is enough to put our lifestyle out of his mind, in order to prove us wrong. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.
With a saucy look, Milch takes Herb through the purple curtain, the sound of a sink turning on hitting our ears. When he returns, he rests Herb on the counter, reaching for his screwdriver.
“I’ll need to take the motor out and take it apart. It’s going to be a few hours. You should come back.”
We stay put.
Milch narrows his eyes. “I don’t work with an audience.”
I point to his security camera in the corner of the roof. “If you so much touch a rib on his tubing and I find out, I’m going to request this footage, you got it?”
Milch’s face scrunches and his mouth parts. “Uh, whatever. Come back in the morning, around 8.”
I look at Chip, and he nods. “We’ll come back.” He outstretches his hand to Milch, who looks at Chip’s hand with disgust before using his gloved hand to reluctantly shake.
Then we head out, with our Spiderman blanket folded in my arms, our main guy in surgery.
“He’s gonna be okay,” Chip assures me as he opens my car door. Once we’re inside and clipped in, I shake my head and let out a sigh.
“He has to be. I love him.” I look at Chip across the center console, and the way the moonlight licks at his chiseled profile. “I love you too.” I know it’s only been a few days but the way he’s been there for us both in our time of need, I know this is love. There’s no way it’s just lust attached to an emotional moment borne from sharing an erotic kink. No way. It’s absolutely love and stuff.
Chip leans over and kisses me. “I love you too. It’s going to be okay.”
I sure hope. What’s a girl to do without her main V?