Chapter 16 Risk #2
Satisfied, Tristan voiced another nagging concern. "And after we get Natalie, she and I will have to keep hiding until you find the Handler, right?"
"Yes."
"How long do you think that will take?"
"I don't know."
"Will you be the one protecting us when that happens?"
Pressing his mouth into a hard line, Cade admitted again. "I don't know."
"Okay," Tristan mumbled as that truth sank in. "And then, when the Handler is found, then what happens?"
Cade shrugged. "You take Natalie home, get her some therapy, and go back to your life," he said, avoiding eye contact.
Now that the moment was upon him, Tristan's mouth went dry, and his heart thumped erratically in his chest. Despite his fear, he forced out the words.
"I mean with us."
Cade's whole body stiffened, and some unreadable emotion flashed across his face before he schooled his features into a neutral expression.
"Like I said, you go back to normal."
"That's it? That's all you're going to say?" Tristan challenged, his chest constricting from rejection and annoyance.
As his dark eyebrows furrowed, Cade's jaw clenched, but his expression remained passive. "What else would I say?"
The callousness of his tone was like a slash to Tristan's heart, and though anger sparked, he kept his tone measured. "So, you wouldn't want to keep seeing me when this is over?"
Nostrils flaring, Cade angled his eyes downward, and the seconds ticked by in silence while Tristan stifled a scream of frustration. Finally, Cade faced him, his face hard, unyielding.
"It just wouldn't work."
Tristan notched his chin up, refusing to give up that easily. "Why do you say that?"
"Jesus, you know why," Cade snapped, standing abruptly and walking to the window, turning his back to Tristan.
Shutting him out.
Confused and irritated, Tristan sucked in a steady breath, trying to calm himself, then stood as well.
"I don't. Tell me," he said evenly.
Turning to face him, Cade snarled, "Christ, Tristan. Because I murder people!"
"But you only kill bad guys."
"It's still murder, and I'm still a criminal. There's no way to sugarcoat it."
Taking a step closer, Tristan countered, "You may technically be a criminal, but you only kill predators who hurt others. That means you're, like, a superhero."
"It doesn't make me a good person, Tristan, believe me."
"It does in my book," Tristan replied, recognizing the truth of the statement as he voiced it.
"It shouldn't," Cade declared, his expression icy. "I could be arrested at any point, sent away for life in prison. For fuck's sake, I could end up dead on any given job, any time I leave my house."
"Are you trying to scare me away? 'Cause it's not working."
"I'm just being honest. You need to accept reality."
"I am, and the truth is, you and your friends make the world a better place. You keep people from being hurt."
"We may rid the world of scum, and I have no regrets about what I've done, but you don't belong in this world, and I sure as fuck don't belong in yours, around you, around your sister. How will you explain my job to her? How can you justify that? You can't."
"Look, Cade. I don't have all the answers.
I don't know what I'd tell Natalie, or how I'd deal with you constantly being in danger.
But I do know that despite what you do, you are a good person, and I'm not ashamed of you, if that's what you're thinking.
I want to be with you, Cade, to at least try to figure it out. To see if it could work."
Cade slumped against the wall, frowning and shaking his head in disbelief. When he spoke again, his voice lacked its earlier edge.
"What about the other stuff? That day in the woods, you said you wanted a simple, boring life."
Considering the question for a few beats, Tristan answered, "I know I said that, and I felt that way at the time.
But I've been thinking lately that I need to live life to the fullest, to grab hold of good things when they come, you know?
And right now, I feel like I want to do this, to try at least."
Dropping his gaze to the floor, Cade shook his head sharply, as if fighting off those words.
Swallowing his doubts and insecurity, Tristan asked, "Is that the only reason you wouldn't want to be with me? Because of your job? I mean, would you want to if not for that?"
Cade didn't look up. "We can't just ignore it, Tris. It's what's real."
"But if we could? Then what? Would you want... me?"
An unsteady breath, but no response.
But it wasn't a no, either.
Tristan took a step closer, till they were toe-to-toe. His fear had subsided, replaced with a need to see this conversation through, to lay his soul bare and accept whatever came after.
"Can you look at me?"
A brief pause, then Cade tilted his head up. His face was drawn, his expression guarded, but he met Tristan's eyes.
"Cade, I like being with you, watching baseball, cooking meals, and teasing you.
I like how you listen, how you let me be alone with my thoughts without intruding, but stay close by in case I need you.
I like how you let me scream into the void without judging, and how you put up with my incessant questions.
I like how you're cute when you're grumpy, and how you can face down a guy with a gun, but you're afraid of squirrels. "
"I am not afraid of squirrels!" Cade snapped.
"Okay," Tristan conceded, chuckling and thinking how adorable this terrifying man could be.
With a crooked smile, he continued. "I want to keep seeing you because I can't imagine going through life never again feeling the way you make me feel. I... " Tristan paused to draw in a deep breath, "I think I'm falling in love with you. I know it's crazy, that it's too soon, but I think I am."
Cade's expression suddenly sharpened, eyes popping open and brows shooting up.
"What?"
"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know."
"Tris, I... don't... " Cade stuttered, his face contorted with worry. "I don't know what to say."
"Then don't say anything. Like I said, I just wanted you to know, to put it out there. Do with it what you want."
Squinting his eyes as if presented with a difficult puzzle, Cade searched his face, opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again as his gaze lingered — unsettled, confused, searching. Closing his eyes, he inhaled a deep breath, and when they opened again, he agreed, "Okay."
"Okay, good. Maybe just let me know what you decide when this is all over, I mean, if you want."
Another nod, and feeling relieved, Tristan finally gave in to the urge and snuggled up to Cade, snaking his arms around his waist. When strong arms enveloped him and squeezed, a calmness settled over him.
For a moment, just breathing in the other man's scent and feeling his warmth was enough, but then worrisome thoughts wiggled back into his consciousness.
What if, after they rescued Natalie, Cade wasn't the one assigned to guard them? Even if he was, would he and Cade even have privacy with Natalie in the safe house? What if this was the last time they were alone together like this?
What if Cade ultimately decided he didn't want him?
If this was the end, Tristan wanted to make the most of the few hours they had left. He nuzzled his face against Cade's neck, pleased to find he was the perfect height for it, and slid his lips across the skin there. The soft gasp he heard gave him courage, and he did it again, then again.
"Cade?"
"Yeah?" came the raspy response.
He tilted his head up, peering into dark eyes behind long, black lashes.
"This might be the last time... " his voice hitched, and he paused to clear his throat before continuing, "This might be the last time we're together."
A tiny wrinkle appeared between Cade's eyebrows, but his expression remained unreadable, and he didn't respond.
"So, can we... I mean, can I touch you? I want to make you feel good."
"Tris... "
"Please?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
Tristan's stomach clenched at the thought that Cade already wanted to put distance between them, and he started to pull away, but a strong hand cupped his face, and he instinctively leaned into the touch.
"Do you know how hard it is to say no to you, especially when you look at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"With your eyes all sad and pleading. Like a puppy."
"Oh," he responded, feeling heat in his belly. "Then don't. Say no, I mean."
Cade stared at him, his expression unreadable, for several tense seconds. Finally, he said, "Okay."
"Yeah?" Tristan smiled, feeling triumphant.
"Yeah."
Stretching up on his toes, Tristan fit their mouths together, and they kissed lazily, nipping and teasing until he needed more.
"Can we move to the bed?"
Without a word, Cade allowed Tristan to pull him by the hand toward the bed.
"Can you lie on your back?"
When Cade did as he asked and then looked up at him with hooded eyes and a curious expression, Tristan's heart began to hammer in his chest, and the whooshing of blood filled his ears as he straddled narrow hips and leaned down for a long, messy kiss that the other man allowed him to control for only a moment before devouring his mouth.
Pulling away breathless, Tristan trailed his lips along a strong jaw, then moved to nibble an earlobe and lick the salty skin of Cade's neck, savoring the taste of sweat.
Sliding his hands under the thin t-shirt, they skimmed over smooth, hot flesh and hard muscles.
When Cade shivered, Tristan preened with satisfaction, feeling smug that he could elicit such a reaction.
"Can we take this off?"
When Cade lifted his arms in agreement, Tristan tugged the shirt over his head, taking a moment to appreciate the sight in front of him. Running his hands over the ridges of abdominal muscles and sculpted pecs, he whispered, "You're gorgeous, you know that?"