Chapter 11
Caitlin walked in seven minutes after Helena sat down, and in those seven minutes Helena had just about managed to maintain her cool, helped by a long drink of the wine she’d ordered.
She checked her reflection in her phone screen three times and seriously considered ordering a shot of something strong to settle her nerves before deciding that that probably wasn’t the energy she wanted to project.
Then Caitlin was there, scanning the room, spotting Helena in the corner, and the smile that crossed her face when their eyes met made every second of the last nine months worth it.
She looked different to earlier, and Helena took a moment to realise why…
she wasn’t putting on a show for her fellow partners anymore, she wasn’t playing a role now, she could be herself, genuinely herself.
Helena tried to calm her excitement at the thought, because surely that could only be a good thing?
She was less partner-on-display now and more just… well, just Caitlin.
“Sorry I’m late,” Caitlin said, sitting in the armchair opposite Helena. “Got trapped by the Tokyo managing partner who wanted to discuss cross-border M&A strategy.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “On the first night. At a welcome dinner. Who does that?"
“Occupational hazard of being a partner I guess?"
“Apparently.” Caitlin picked up the glass of wine that Helena had ordered for her and took a sip. “Thank you for this. How did you know what I’d want?”
“I remembered.” Helena said it simply, because it was true. This was the same wine they’d drunk when they went on their proper date, the night before Helena had left Houston. Some things you didn’t forget, no matter how many months had passed.
Caitlin looked at her over the rim of the glass and Helena saw something flicker in her expression. Recognition, maybe, of the intimacy embedded in such a small act. Remembering someone’s drink order was nothing in itself. Remembering it after nine months of near silence was something else.
“So,” Caitlin said, settling back into the armchair, one leg crossed over the other. “Here we are.”
“Here we are.”
“I know I said it earlier, but I’ll say it again. You look amazing.”
“Thank you. So do you. The dress suits you.”
“I’ll let you into a little secret. The dress is one of four I couldn’t choose between. The other three are draped around my room.” She gestured at the dress she’d chosen. “This feels the most me.”
“Would I recognise any of the others?”
Caitlin smiled. “Probably… you saw quite a range of my wardrobe.”
“I did.” Helena smiled back. “Some of it more than others.”
Caitlin laughed, and just like that the ice was broken, the nine months of distance punctured by a shared joke that only they could understand.
Helena felt herself relax. They could do this.
They could talk to each other as something that wasn’t just professional. Whatever this was it would be fine.
“Tell me about S?o Paulo,” Caitlin said. “The last nine months. What’s been going on in your life?”
Helena gave her the overview, work and her career trajectory that seemed to be taking off.
She talked about her family, her parents’ lunches, Mariana’s romantic chaos, Beatriz’s new apartment.
She painted a picture of a life that was full and good and busy, which was true, even if it wasn’t the whole truth.
“It sounds like you’ve been thriving,” Caitlin said, seeming genuinely pleased for her.
“I have. Professionally, definitely. The Houston secondment opened a lot of doors. Rafael, my manager, keeps hinting about an accelerated path.”
“You deserve it. You were outstanding on our project.”
“Thank you. That means a lot, coming from the newly minted partner.” Helena paused, deciding to be honest. “Though I’ll confess I was a little jealous when I heard about you making partner. Only a little.”
“Jealous?”
“Well now it’ll be just that little bit harder for me to be the youngest ever partner. You’ve raised the bar.” She grinned to show she was mostly joking. “Or lowered it… you know what I mean.”
“Oh, I do. I would love for you to be the one to break my record.” Helena knew that Caitlin was being genuine, too.
They settled into a comfortable rhythm, swapping stories about their respective offices, the peculiarities of the partners they worked with, the clients who drove them crazy.
It was the sort of conversation that colleagues had at conferences everywhere…
shop talk, gossip, half of it meaningless to an outsider.
But underneath it there was something else, a current of curiosity that neither of them was quite addressing.
Helena could feel Caitlin circling around it, the way she asked about Helena’s weekends, about whether S?o Paulo’s social scene lived up to its reputation, about whether Helena had managed to find good running routes. Each question was edging closer to the thing she actually wanted to ask.
But then Helena knew that she was doing the same. She wanted to know if Caitlin was seeing someone. Wanted to know if there was a person waiting for her back in Houston, a reason why the necklace might mean nothing more than habit, a reason why this drink was just a drink between colleagues.
Neither of them said it. They danced around it, delicately, even as the chemistry between them fired up all over again.
It was Caitlin who blinked first.
“Can I ask you something personal?” she said, and Helena could see the effort it took. Caitlin, the professional force of nature, visibly bracing herself.
“Of course.”
“Are you seeing anyone? Back in S?o Paulo?”
Helena appreciated the directness and decided to match it. There was no benefit to Helena trying to obfuscate or skirt around the truth.
“No relationship, no. There’s a woman. Juliana, a friend of my sister’s actually.
We’re friends with benefits, that’s the honest description.
About three months. It’s fun, it’s casual, there’s no strings and no expectations from either side.
We’re not a couple, we don’t go on dates, we just enjoy each other.
” She paused. “She isn’t…” She stopped suddenly, aware that honesty was one thing but Caitlin didn’t need to know every single detail.
“Isn’t what?” Caitlin asked quietly.
“Isn’t enough.” Helena met her eyes. “Juliana’s one of my favourite people, but she’s not…” She shook her head. “Anyway. Those are the headlines. A few others along the way, dates, nothing that stuck. I’ve been focused on work, mainly.”
Caitlin was watching her with an expression that Helena couldn’t quite read. Relief maybe, or recognition, or something more complicated. “With Juliana. That’s still going?”
“It is. Like I said, friends with benefits, nothing more. We have an understanding… no jealousy, no possessiveness, we’re both free to do what we want.” Helena hesitated, then committed. “We both agreed recently that we need to date other people.”
There it is, she thought, how else can I say I’m available without saying it?
Caitlin was quiet for a long moment, her fingers on the necklace again.
“How about you?” Helena asked, keeping her voice gentle. “Anyone in Houston?”
Caitlin took a breath. Then another. Helena watched her compose herself, getting thoughts that were harder to say than any client pitch aligned in her head.
“Helena, we made a promise to each other when you left Houston. You remember it?”
Helena nodded but said nothing. I’ve thought about it every single day.
“I’ve kept you waiting for far too long. I… that week left me spinning inside. It took me longer than I thought it would to work out what I wanted, and I’m sorry for that.”
“No apology needed.”
“I’m apologising regardless. I shouldn’t have waited until now to get in touch.
” Caitlin hesitated. “Helena, I need to tell you something. About the last nine months. About what happened after you left.” She paused.
“All of it. I need to tell you all of it, because I think you’re the only person in my life who would really understand. ”
Helena put down her glass and gave Caitlin her full attention. “Tell me. Anything. Everything.”
“After your secondment then.” Caitlin’s fingers went to the necklace unconsciously. “After you left.”
“After I left.”
Caitlin took a deep sip of her wine, finishing it. She gestured to the waiter for two more, then turned back to Helena.
“The first few weeks were… strange. I went back to work on the Monday, obviously, and everything was normal. The same office, the same people, the same projects. But I wasn’t the same.
I felt like I was walking around with this enormous secret, this whole other version of myself that nobody knew about.
” She smiled. “I kept touching the necklace. People must have thought I had a nervous habit.”
Helena smiled too but said nothing, letting Caitlin continue.
“I did what you told me to do. I took time. I thought about what had happened between us, what it meant, what I wanted.” Two new glasses of wine appeared and she took a sip. “I went to see a therapist.”
“A therapist?” Helena hadn’t expected that, though on reflection it made perfect sense. Caitlin was thorough about everything… of course she’d approach self-discovery as if it was a client problem to be overcome.
“Don’t look so surprised. I’m a data-driven person. I wanted to understand what I was feeling, not just feel it.” Caitlin’s tone was dry, completely self-aware. “I found someone who specialised in sexuality and identity. Went every week for about three months.”
“What did you learn?”
“A lot. That what happened between us was real. It wasn’t a reaction to alcohol or adrenaline, which is what I’d been telling myself at first. That my attraction to women was genuine, not situational.
That the…” She hesitated, choosing her words carefully.
“The dynamic we had. My submission. That was genuine too. Not a phase, not a kink I could file away and forget about. It was something fundamental that I’d discovered about myself. ”