Chapter 31
The restaurant that Friday night was less romantic and intimate than Maré, and absolutely perfect for a group of six of them.
Mariana had taken charge of the reservation because Mariana took charge of most things when it came to her friends, and by the time they walked into town along the beach with a spectacular sunset behind them their table was ready with a bucket of beers waiting for them in the evening heat.
Seafood… there was no menu as such, simply large platters of whatever the chef had bought in that day. You either ate it or you didn’t, and if you didn’t then you were going to go hungry. Luckily all six of them liked their seafood, and between them they ate extravagantly.
To go with the food they soon moved from beer onto the ubiquitous caipirinhas again. Juliana had disappeared for a few minutes and worked her charms on the barman, much to Mariana’s disgust.
“Too much sugar,” Mariana said, grimacing and doing an exaggerated thing where she worked her mouth open and closed.
“Perfect sugar,” Juliana replied. “You have the palate of an old woman.”
“I have the palate of someone who wasn’t raised by a woman who puts sugar on fruit.”
“My mother puts sugar on mango and she’s right to do so. You leave my mother out of it.”
The whole group were speaking in English for Caitlin’s benefit, and Helena felt a fondness for her sister and her friends when she realised how they were making a concerted effort to include Caitlin in the night.
Caitlin, for her part, was watching the exchange between Mariana and Juliana with growing amusement.
“This is how they’ve been since they were ten,” Helena leaned over to whisper.
“It’s lovely to see.” Caitlin turned her head and brushed her lips across Helena’s cheek as she leaned in to whisper back. Something she was learning about Caitlin was that as she drank more she got more tactile… a trait that Helena had no concerns about whatsoever. “They’re a great double act.”
The group dynamic had loosened up completely since the afternoon and Mariana’s approval of Caitlin…
once she’d decided to engage the rest of the group quickly followed.
She was one of them now, as quickly as that, just as Helena had been for years and just as Mariana or Juliana were when with Helena and her friends.
As the dinner went on everyone changed seats organically around the table, it was that sort of place.
Helena noticed, halfway through, that Juliana and Caitlin had fallen into their own conversation at the end of the table.
She couldn’t hear what they were saying over the music playing and the conversations around her, but she could see them both leaning in, talking with a level of intensity that seemed to go beyond simple small talk.
Juliana was animated, gesturing about something, and Caitlin was listening intently, not out of politeness but out of genuine interest.
At one point Juliana said something that made Caitlin throw her head back and laugh long and hard.
It was Caitlin fully relaxed, fully on holiday, fully herself, and Helena loved seeing it.
Juliana looked pleased with herself and glanced at Helena with an expression that said she’s great, isn’t she?
as clearly as if she’d said it out loud.
Helena raised her glass slightly. Juliana raised hers back.
After dinner they moved to a bar further along the waterfront, a place with outdoor seating and fun, modern music to dance to.
The group colonised a table outside, the drinks continued, some of them danced, some of them got talking to other groups they didn’t know…
it was a night that went from height to height.
Sometime in the middle of it, Juliana sat next to Helena while Caitlin was at the bar.
“She’s great,” Juliana said to Helena in Portuguese, nodding towards Caitlin who was watching the dancers while she waited to order. “Really great. Not what I imagined.”
“What did you imagine?”
“Someone harder. More corporate. I’d heard that she was this force of nature, the youngest partner in your firm’s history.
I suppose I pictured someone impressive but cold.
” Juliana shook her head. “She’s the opposite.
She’s friendly, she listens, when she asked me about my research she understood what I was talking about straight away and asked me the one question I’d ask me. Nobody ever does that.”
“Careful… she’s taken.”
Juliana grinned. “She’s interested in people. You can tell.” Juliana paused, swirling her drink. “She asked me about us.”
Helena’s stomach tightened. “About us?” she said carefully.
“Yeah. About the arrangement we had. She was direct about it without being confrontational… she said she knew we’d been sleeping together and that she wasn’t bothered, she just wanted to understand our dynamic.
” Juliana smiled. “I told her the truth. That you taught me, that we switch, that it’s casual and honest and that I care about you but I’m not in love with you. She seemed to appreciate the honesty.”
“What did she say?”
“She said she was glad that you’d had someone who could give you what you need on both sides.
She said she understood that she can’t give you everything, not yet, and she was grateful that someone had been able to.
” Juliana looked at Helena. “She’s not threatened by me, Helena.
She’s relieved. That’s a woman who knows herself.
She wants to learn, too, to be the woman you need.
” Juliana shook her head and smiled wryly.
“Don’t you dare lose her. She’s perfect for you. ”
Helena was, as much as anything, relieved. Yes, they seemed to be getting on earlier, but for them to have had that conversation without me involved is perfect.
“Thank you for being honest with her,” Helena said.
“I’m always honest. It’s my only setting.” Juliana pointed towards where Caitlin was just paying at the bar. “Now go and dance with your girlfriend. She keeps looking at the dancers like she wants to join in but doesn’t know how to be Brazilian.”
“She’s American.”
“Exactly. They think they’re outgoing, but not so much.”
Helena laughed and stood as Caitlin walked back over. She was indeed watching the dancers with barely concealed longing. “Dance with me?”
“I don’t know how to dance to this,” Caitlin replied over the music.
“Nobody knows how to dance to this music. You just hold each other and move.” Helena took her hand and pulled her over to the dance floor. “Come on.”
They danced, or at least what passed for dancing, which was mostly swaying together with Caitlin’s arms around Helena’s neck and Helena’s hands on Caitlin’s waist regardless of the song.
“I like your sister and her friends,” Caitlin said over the music into Helena’s ear.
“They like you. Even Mariana.”
“Mariana told me that I’m a thousand times better than your last boyfriend.”
Helena laughed. “They never got on.” She shrugged. “He had his qualities, you know, but…”
“But what?”
“But he wasn’t you.” She thought for a moment. “I’m going to kill my sister for bringing him up.”
“No you’re not. Mariana’s wonderful. Terrifying, yes, but wonderful.”
They danced for song after song, joined after a while by the others. Eventually, sometime around one, Thiago and Camila had drifted off back to the house already while Mariana and Juliana were planning to go on to a party at another house with some friends of friends they’d bumped into.
“Come, both of you, it’ll be fun,” Mariana said. She reached out and took Caitlin’s hand, trying to drag her away. “Even if you’re not coming,” she said to Helena, “we’re taking Caitlin with us.”
“Don’t you dare,” Helena replied. Caitlin was watching the two sisters with a grin. “She’s mine.”
“The night’s still young,” Juliana added.
“Very kind of both of you, but Helena and I are heading back.”
Helena and Caitlin walked home along the beach, shoes in hand.
The sand was cool under their feet and the moon was bright on the water.
They walked in silence to start with. Both women were drunk…
. not falling over drunk, but very far from sober.
Enough that any inhibitions were cast to one side, certainly.
“Good night?” Helena said eventually.
“The best night.” Caitlin glanced over in the moonlight and Helena could see her eyes were as alive as she’d ever seen them. “Your friends are wonderful. Juliana is wonderful. Mariana is terrifying and wonderful. Brazil is wonderful.”
“You’re drunk.”
“I’m absolutely drunk and everything is wonderful.” A pause. “Helena.”
“Mmm?”
“I want to say something and I want you to hear it as a genuine thought rather than a drunk ramble.”
“Is it a drunken ramble?”
“I’m only brave enough to say it because I’m drunk, so maybe? Not a ramble though… definitely not a ramble.”
Helena smiled. “Well in that case I’m listening.”
Caitlin was quiet for a moment, gathering herself. She came to a stop in the sand and Helena stopped opposite her.
“I’ve been thinking about you and Juliana.”
Helena tilted her head. Not what I was expecting. “Ok…? What about us?”
“I’d love to see you with Juliana.”
Helena’s heartbeat spiked but she kept her voice steady. “See me with her how?”
“I’d love to watch you. I mean, watch her dominate you.
” Caitlin shifted from one foot to the other, but her gaze stayed fixed on Helena’s.
“I’ve been thinking about it since you told me about her.
About the switching, about what that looks like for you.
And tonight, talking to her, watching her…
she’s got something, Helena. A confidence, an authority.
I can see why you surrender to her and not the other way around. ”
“Caitlin…” Helena wasn’t sure what to say, but she felt like she needed to say something. This was unexpected territory, and her mind was fuzzy from all the alcohol.
“I know. It’s crazy. Forget I said it if it’s too much.” Caitlin took Helena’s hand in hers and started walking down the beach again. Helena let herself be led. “Drunk thoughts. Ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you.” Helena stared out at the moonlit ocean, her mind racing. “You’re asking if you can watch Juliana dominate me?”
“I’m saying I’d find it… meaningful. Not just hot, though obviously watching someone as stunning as you with someone like her would be, well, hot.
Meaningful though, that’s the main thing.
I desperately want to understand that side of you better, the side that surrenders.
Because I think if I see it, if I really see what it looks like when someone else holds you the way you hold me, I’ll understand you better. ” She paused. “All of you.”
Helena walked on and felt the significance of the request. It was bigger than sex, bigger than a kink or their dynamic.
Caitlin is asking to see the most vulnerable version of me, she thought.
The version of me that very few people have seen, the version that I’ve never fully showed to a submissive…
the version that was born with my jeans around my knees over Alessandra’s lap and refined over the years.
Hearing that Caitlin wanted to witness that was both utterly terrifying and almost painfully touching.
“Let me think about it,” Helena said. “At least when I’m sober,” she added, flashing a smile at Caitlin who smiled back.
“Of course. No pressure. No disappointment if the answer is no.”
“The answer isn’t no. The answer is let me think about it.”
Caitlin leaned across and kissed her shoulder. “Think about it. I’ll be here when you’ve decided.”
When they got into the pool house they fooled around a little, but when Helena came back from brushing her teeth in the bathroom Caitlin was deep asleep, sprawled across the covers.
Maybe she’s a little drunker than she let on, Helena thought.
She guided Caitlin under the sheets, helping her out of her clothes, then climbed in next to her and turned the lights off.
She lay awake for a long time, listening amused to Caitlin’s quiet snores, listening too to the ocean through the window, thinking about Juliana’s hands and Caitlin’s eyes and the question of whether she was brave enough to be seen at her most surrendered by the person whose opinion mattered to her most in the world.
Yes, she thought eventually. The answer is yes, if Juliana is interested.
Then she smiled to herself in the dark. But I’ll check in with sober me in the morning.
As she closed her eyes and let sleep take her, another thought occurred.
The submissive is the true dominant… my philosophy that guides everything, because the submissive is the one with the strength to surrender.
She let that run around her head for a few moments.
Yes, absolutely yes, I know I have the strength, and I know I want Caitlin to see that, to see all of me.
With that thought she relaxed completely, the decision made, the anticipation already building.