Epilogue
Helena woke the next morning tangled together with Caitlin.
Normally, or at least in the normal they’d had a week to work out, they fell asleep cuddled together but rolled over in their sleep.
Last night apparently not… Helena suspected that after the night they’d had neither woman wanted to be parted, even for a moment.
She could hear the ocean through the curtains, rhythmic, steady, and found herself involuntarily remembering something else rhythmic and steady from the night before…
not just remembering, though, but also smiling.
It had been good, very good, and letting the residual vulnerability of last night come to the fore, allowing herself to revel in the memory rather than run from it, felt right.
She felt different that morning: not diminished, not embarrassed, she felt lighter, as if by showing Caitlin every part of her, showing her the Leoa, she no longer had the burden of carrying a secret.
Caitlin stirred, her arms tightening reflexively, pulling Helena closer. “Morning,” she murmured, still half asleep.
“Morning.”
“How do you feel?”
Helena thought for a long moment. Her body was tired, with a deep ache that only came from the sort of intensity that last night had held. Her wrists were red, and she knew she’d need to take care of them for a few days. Inside, she felt something better.
“I feel… free,” Helena said.
“Good free?”
“Good free.” Helena pressed her lips gently to Caitlin’s collarbone. “Thank you for last night. For watching, and for looking after me afterwards.”
“You never have to thank me for that.”
“Yes, I do. Because after was the hardest part. What Juliana did with me…” Helena trailed off and started giggling.
“And you, I’d forgotten that. But what she did to me, I’ve done something like that before, never quite that intense, but something similar.
But having you witness me in that state, seeing me more vulnerable than anyone ever has before, and looking after me after. You were perfect.”
Caitlin’s hand moved to Helena’s hair, stroking slowly. “You were perfect. The whole thing. Watching you let go like that… Helena, I don’t have the words for what it was like.”
“We’ll find the words.” She took Caitlin’s hand in hers and kissed it. “After breakfast though. Definitely after breakfast.”
***
They joined the rest for breakfast in the main house, and it was as if the night before hadn’t happened.
Mariana was chatting away as she usually did, the others were listening and arguing, and Juliana was at the table drinking juice and looking as unruffled as if last night had just been an ordinary Saturday.
She caught Helena’s eye when she walked in and smiled…
the smile of a friend, not her lover, not her dominant. Just Juliana.
“Sleep well?” Juliana asked innocently.
“Very well,” Helena replied. “I was exhausted.”
“Good.” The smile deepened by a fraction, but nobody else noticed.
Breakfast was relaxed… Thiago was already talking about the drive back, the others had turned their minds to packing, while Mariana was planning for a night out in S?o Paulo the following weekend.
Caitlin sat next to Mariana, and they talked easily.
Helena could see that after the initial coolness they were going to be firm friends.
Caitlin and Helena were in less of a rush, they could head back any time they wanted as Caitlin’s flight wasn’t until Monday night, so while the others were busy packing the two of them walked to the beach.
They found a quiet stretch of sand in the opposite direction to the town, away from the weekend crowds, and sat at the water’s edge, their feet in the surf and the sun on their shoulders.
The ocean stretched to the horizon, deep blue and calm, the same view that Helena had seen a thousand times and that now, sitting next to Caitlin, looked entirely new.
“You wouldn’t have believed what you’re wearing a few days ago,” Helena teased, nodding towards Caitlin’s bikini. She’d fully embraced Brazilian beachwear since that first time, and after a few days she had the tan to go with the string bikini.
“I’ll admit you were right,” Caitlin replied, grinning. “It’s liberating. I might not wear it if I go down to Galveston though.”
They watched the waves for a few minutes in silence, before Helena said, “Tell me what it was like. Watching. I want to understand what you saw.”
Caitlin was quiet for a moment, drawing patterns in the wet sand with her finger.
“At first it was… overwhelming. Seeing you kneel for her. Seeing you… I mean you, my Dona, the woman who dominates me, sinking to your knees because she told you to. My first reaction was physical. My heart was hammering.”
“Was it jealousy?”
“No. Not even a little.” Caitlin paused, thinking.
“Awe I think, maybe. Watching you transform. You literally changed in front of my eyes… your body language, your expression, everything. The Helena I know, the dominant, the Dona… she stepped aside and someone else was there. Someone softer, more open, more… reachable.”
“Reachable?”
“You’re not always reachable, Helena. You know that.
You hold yourself at a distance sometimes, even with me.
The control, the composure… it’s beautiful and it’s part of who you are but I think it can also keep people out.
Last night I watched someone get past all of that.
I watched someone take down every barrier you have. ”
“Is that what you needed to see?”
“It’s part of it. But the thing that really…
” Caitlin stopped drawing in the sand and turned to face Helena.
“When she told you to kneel in the corner and watch her and me, and you obeyed, without question… when you looked at me while I… you know, in that moment, Helena, I understood something I’d known intellectually but had never felt. ”
“What?”
“The cost that dominance carries, and the weight it removes when someone else carries it for a while. I know we’ve done that a couple of times, where I take charge, but that’s only superficial. I saw what you need, and I understand it now.”
“It was that obvious?”
“Watching your face while you surrendered... the relief, the release. It was the same expression I feel on my own face when I surrender to you, and seeing it on yours…” Caitlin’s voice cracked slightly as she shook her head in wonder.
“It made me realise that every time you hold me, you’re doing something that costs you.
That being the dominant isn’t just power, it’s sacrifice.
You give me the gift of surrender and you pay for it by never getting to surrender yourself. ”
“I do surrender. I’ve surrendered before. I’ve surrendered with Juliana. With you, sometimes.”
“Not enough. Not the way you need to.” Caitlin took Helena’s hand. “I know what it costs you now. To be my Dona. To hold me the way you do. Because I saw what it looks like when you let go of all of that.” She hesitated. “I’m not sure I can give you that yet.”
“I’m not asking you to be Juliana.”
“I know. But I want you to hear this: I’m going to learn. I’m going to learn how to hold you the way you need it when you need to let go. I’ll find my own way to give you that.” She squeezed Helena’s hand. “Not yet. But eventually. I promise.”
“That’s incredibly generous,” Helena said. “It only needs to be occasionally.”
“That’s what love is, isn’t it? When you love someone enough to want them to have whatever they need, even if that means some parts that you can’t provide yet.”
Helena turned her head sharply to look at Caitlin. When you love someone enough… did she mean it? Caitlin looked surprised, then she went still, her eyes widening and her hand going to her mouth when she realised what she’d said.
“Did you just…” Helena started to say.
“I didn’t mean to say it like that.” Caitlin’s cheeks had gone bright red. She looked, to Helena’s eye, objectively very cute indeed. “I meant to… I had a plan, I was going to say properly, at the airport tomorrow, not in the middle of a sentence about…”
Helena kissed her. Hard. She had her hands on Caitlin’s face and she kissed her like their lives depended on it and, after a moment of surprise, Caitlin kissed her back. When she pulled back again Caitlin was looking at her with bright eyes and a slightly dazed expression.
“I love you,” Helena said. “I realise now that I’ve loved you since that night in Houston when you took me out for barbecue.
You remember the night?” Caitlin nodded, grinning.
“It’s just taken me this long to realise it.
I didn’t even know I wanted to say it until now, but I do.
And then you went and said it in a sentence about learning to be as good a part time dominant for me as Juliana. ”
“That’s very me. Maybe not a story to tell our families.” She laughed. “Not in its entirety, anyway.”
“It’s very you.” Helena shook her head. “God, Caitlin, I love you.”
“I love you.” Caitlin said it properly, deliberately holding Helena’s gaze. “I love you, Helena.”
They sat on the beach, grinning at each other like idiots. It wasn’t the grand moment Helena had imagined, but it didn’t matter.
It was perfect.
***
When they got back to the house, the others were finishing loading the car and about to depart. Camila and Thiago came to say goodbye first, hugging them both, saying how they looked forward to seeing Caitlin next time with genuine feeling.
Mariana was next. She hugged Helena for a long time, whispering in Portuguese, “She’s the one, Helena. I can feel it. Don’t mess this up.”
“I won’t.”
“I know you won’t. But I’m saying it anyway because I’m your sister and it’s my job.” She leaned back and then said louder, switching to English, “You two are sickeningly good together.”
Mariana turned to Caitlin and pulled her into a hug that was fierce, genuine and wholly unlike the reserved handshake of Friday afternoon. “Come back to Brazil,” Mariana said. “Soon. And bring your purse because I’m going to take you shopping.”
Caitlin laughed. “I will. Thank you, Mariana. For everything.”
“Thank me by making my sister happy.” Mariana released her, then leaned close and whispered something that Helena couldn’t hear. Whatever it was made Caitlin smile and nod.
Then came Juliana.
Juliana hugged Caitlin first. It was friendly and close, exactly right for what had happened between the three of them the night before. “Take care of her,” Juliana said. “She pretends she doesn’t need looking after, but she does.”
“I know. I will.”
Then Juliana turned to Helena. They looked at each other…
the teacher and the student, the dominant and the submissive, the two women who’d spent months exploring each other and who were now, gently, letting each other go.
Juliana was smiling that infectious smile, and Helena couldn’t help smiling back.
Then Juliana hugged her, fiercely, and there was so much in that hug.
She whispered into Helena’s ear, “I’m going to miss watching you arch your back.
I should have got you doing that one more time last night. ”
She broke the hug and stepped back with the full, wicked, utterly Juliana grin. Helena laughed.
“Go be happy,” Juliana said. She paused and cocked her head, as if she could sense that something had changed between Helena and Caitlin on the beach that morning. Then her grin turned into a smile and she nodded.
Juliana gave them both one last hug before she was interrupted by the horn of Mariana’s car. She hurried over, her curls bouncing, and turned once more to wave before climbing in.
The car pulled away, the gate closed, and the beach house was quiet again.
Helena and Caitlin stood in the sunshine.
“We have one more night,” Caitlin said.
“We do.”
“Can we stay here and go back to S?o Paulo tomorrow morning?”
“We absolutely can. You want to?”
“Very much.”
“Good. I do too.” Helena slipped her hand into Caitlin’s as they started to walk down to the pool house. “Pool or beach?”
Caitlin thought for a moment then stopped. She reached for the string of her bikini top and undid it, letting it fall away, then did the same with her bottoms. Helena watched her, amused.
“Pool,” Caitlin said. “I remembered Minha Dona’s standing order. No clothes allowed when it was just us.” She grinned. “I really hope she’ll give me some more orders later.”
Helena laughed. “I’m glad to see my Gatinha is feeling obedient. Of course I will… one night before you leave. We have to make the most of it.”
Helena knew that whatever came after this might not be easy…
in fact five thousand miles of distance could be hard, very hard.
But she also knew that Caitlin was worth it.
More than worth it. She would move heaven and earth to be with her Gatinha, her wonderful, obedient, magnificent Gatinha, this force of nature who was the first woman to see all of her, and who loved her all the more for it.
But for now, today, only one thing mattered… making the most of every single second they had together.
“Gatinha,” Helena said as Caitlin started to walk across the garden.
Caitlin turned and stopped, looking at her.
“Ajoelhe-se.”
Caitlin’s grin, as she sank to her knees on the grass, was priceless. It was everything.