Chapter 20
Madelene
Crawling back into bed last night after what I did wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. He was snoring softly when I came out of the bathroom, so I didn’t have to concern myself that he was going to want more.
Waking up this morning is an incredibly different story.
There’s some guilt for what I did, what my body demanded of me when I thought he had fallen asleep.
I should feel more shameful than I do. Instead, in its place, is a sort of freedom I’m having a hard time explaining.
I could blame him. He told me to keep going, somehow knowing I wouldn’t be able to do it if he hadn’t demanded it of me.
I’ve never felt anything like it before, no matter how many times I’ve touched myself.
I was less fearful when he turned the light on to watch me than I was upset that I would have to stop.
For some reason, the thought that he could hurt me never crossed my mind, not even when he told me to keep going.
I never got the sense that he would invade my space or force himself on me if I genuinely refused.
There was safety in it, like that bed was a sanctuary if only for the few minutes we were watching each other.
My dreams were almost as troublesome as performing for him. In them, his mouth was everywhere on my body—my neck, my nipples, my lower belly… there.
Every place but my mouth, yet that’s where I longed for it to be.
I have no doubt this man is skilled and talented in helping a woman reach orgasm, but even in my dreams, he wasn’t considerate enough for kissing.
His fantasized touches were harsh, his fingers pinching, leaving marks.
As horrible as that sounds now that I’m awake, they were exactly what I demanded of him while asleep.
Before, the thought of having cum in my mouth would make me literally gag. The Severino brothers thought it was funny, independent of each other because Alessio didn’t know about what his brother was forcing me to do.
Last night, however, I yearned for a taste after watching it splatter on his golden skin.
My mouth watered for it the same way it does while smelling a cheeseburger, getting undressed to satisfy the rule Hollis has.
He didn’t even demand I clean his skin with my mouth.
With the lack of command came a little disappointment as I walked to the bathroom.
I’d never be able to take that step alone.
I’d have to be told, but it wouldn’t take twisting my arm for it to happen.
The price of sleeping in the bed has gone up.
His words float through my head as I come to full consciousness.
The price is always changing. At first, it was nakedness, now, it’s watching me touch myself.
Before nightfall, he could raise the price yet again.
The thought of it shouldn’t thrill me. I should be terrified of this man, but I’ve seen monsters.
I lived among them, always scared, terrified, they’d also change the rules and hurt me more than I could recover from.
Hollis wants me to believe he would hurt me.
He wants me to see him as this demon who’s willing to cross all sorts of lines, but I know better.
I have no doubt the man can maim and kill.
He’s proven that he can, but I’m not his preferred victim.
I can’t help but think he’s a demon slayer, that his goal in life is to clean it of people like Marcello and Alessio Severino.
If that’s the case, then I need to stay as close to him as possible.
He’s not my captor but my protector whether he wants to be or not.
I know it’s not care or affection he has for me that will protect me but the love he had for Ellie Baker. Either way, I can benefit from it. I pray he’s successful in getting his revenge because only then could I truly be free.
I stiffen when I realize I’m probably certifiably, clinically insane.
I think back to when he shot Julio, how I was gagged, bound, and had my head covered by a hood.
I don’t recall hitting my head, but I guess it’s possible.
I shouldn’t feel any level of comfort here.
I should’ve run the first time he left the front door open.
I’ve had many chances to seek my freedom.
I know I’ve said that Alessio will find me, but does his reach honestly go that far?
Would he really expend the energy to send people out for the foreseeable future to look for me?
I’m certain he could find a way to access my family’s money without me around.
I know all this, yet I stay.
I know all this, yet I still crawl naked into this bed every night.
I know all this, yet I crave the wickedness in Hollis’s eyes when I strip down, obeying his commands, making my payment for what he’s providing.
It’s deprecating and shameful. My skin comes to life at the prospect of doing it for him.
That’s where the insanity diagnosis comes in.
With everything I’ve been through, the horrific things I’ve seen, I should run as fast and as far away as I can manage, but I don’t.
I wake beside a man most would consider a monster, hoping the game changes just a little from what it was the day before.
I crave his commands, looking forward to what he’s going to come up with next.
It makes me just as sick and twisted as the Severino brothers, my longing to be used how he sees fit.
I stiffen when he stirs and starts to roll over, that shame I only felt a little of when I first woke doubling.
There’s a lot in my life that doesn’t make sense.
There’s a lot I’ve been through that has no real answers.
Asking why was futile and punishable. I know now after years of mistreatment that there never really was an answer.
They hurt me because they can, and it explains everything without really explaining anything at all.
Maybe that’s the mindset I need to be okay with what’s happening.
Because.
It seems good enough. Digging for an answer in my psyche won’t get me any further anyway.
I can tell from the sound of his breathing that he’s no longer asleep, so it makes no sense for him to be pretending to be that way. Maybe this is how he deals with what he’s done. It seems we’re both just pretenders, wanting things to go a certain way but being unable to ask for it.
Or maybe he’s exactly like Alessio and Marcello because they didn’t show their evil side right out of the gate when I arrived to live with them.
It took less time than what has passed since Hollis brought me here.
I knew better than to trust the way they were acting because what happened with Maya happened long before my dad’s contract with Lucian.
I don’t pull away from Hollis when he rolls into me, pressing his hot, thick erection into my bare thigh. The thing could literally be considered a weapon. I have no doubt the man would know how to use it as such, although he has yet to threaten me with it.
I bite my lower lip when his hand trails down my shoulder and over the tip of my breast, both hating and loving the zing that runs through my entire body. I tremble as it travels lower.
My thoughts and fears are all jumbled together, one in contrast with the next.
I know I’d rather die than be returned to the Severinos, but at the same time, I’m terrified of what could happen if I do so in an impure state.
I can’t give away nor have that piece of me taken.
I have no idea why Alessio has waited, why he hasn’t insisted on me giving him that part of me prior to our wedding night.
He’s had so many opportunities, and I know he isn’t waiting for my sake.
It’s just another tool, another way to instill fear, keeping me wondering when he’ll do it and how he’ll take it.
Tears burn my eyes because it makes me think of the promise my father made.
The man was supposed to love and protect me, yet he hand fed me to the brute in the Severino family.
His weakness, his inability to get his comeuppance for stealing from Lucian, will mean my death.
He knows how they are, and yet he doesn’t care.
My mother would be appalled at how he’s behaved, but her telling me since I was a young child who I was going to marry really isn’t any better.
She never recanted, never told me I’d have the right to choose who I spend the rest of my life with.
Not even after learning of how the boys were.
Her vow to end the family feud was also her downfall.
Her commitment put Elio in the Severino path, and in turn killed her heir.
Grace and forgiveness means nothing when both sides haven’t agreed to discard the past.
I want nothing more than the right to choose. Although I’m fighting the urge to arch my back into Hollis’s touch, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’d choose this. I wouldn’t choose Hollis, and I definitely wouldn’t choose a Severino.
I want loyalty, a man willing to die protecting me, not a coward who hands me over to the devil, or a man who drove off a cliff in order to avoid the monsters they were leaving me at the mercy of.
Knowing I’ll never get what I want, I climb out of the bed, letting Hollis’s hand fall to the mattress. I chance a glance over my shoulder before entering the bathroom, only to find him looking right at me.
I do my best to keep my eyes on his despite the way the sheet has pulled away, allowing his body to be on full display.
“Do you know how hard it is not to just take what I want from you?”
He’s angry but I don’t know if it’s because he’s feeling like one of the monsters he claims to hate or if it’s because I’m not readily offering up what he wants.