Chapter 14 - Surviving Christmas Chris
'Cole.
Wait!' Chasing after him doesn't seem like a brilliant idea considering how furious he is, but I'm afraid I'll miss my chance to make everything right if I wait.
Ice sloshes and crunches under my feet, the grip of my shoes becoming increasingly slippery as I hurdle toward him.
It's midmorning on a Saturday, which is prime time for visitors, so of course, there are cars whizzing past that I have to dodge as I twist and turn around the bends to get back to the central part of the lodge.
Ignoring me, Cole sprints faster.
'Cole!' My lungs feel like acid as I try to breathe in the frozen air while trying to keep up with him.
As my luck would have it, I'm battling blizzard-like conditions.
Thick dots of snow pelt down, making it a hazard to see in front of me.
I can barely make out the road, let alone Cole's figure.
A deafening screeching sound of tires stopping harshly alerts me that something has happened up ahead — most likely another tourist hitting the wildlife around here.
The closer I get, the louder a chorus of cries and screams becomes.
As I make my way through the fog, a bunch of people are looking down a pretty decent ditch.
'What's going on?' I ask a couple in matching puffer jackets.
God knows if they even speak English, but I'm banking on them being at least semi-fluent because it looks like something more serious has happened.
'A car couldn't see a young man running on the road, and there wasn't enough time to stop, so the car swerved, and the boy fell down,' the gentleman with a British accent relays.
Fear fills me as I pray to every God there is that it wasn't Cole.
As I get closer to the valley, I feel my blood pressure rise, my breath increase, and my muscles tense.
My pupils are frantic as I wade my way through the crowd.
Despite the polar weather, I start to sweat, and my hands become clammy.
Eventually, when I'm near the edge, I peer down, and my heart just about falls out of my chest as I see Cole has fallen and rolled about twenty metres and is unmoving.
It's him because I can see the bright red beanie he was wearing moments ago.
'That's my son.
Someone help! That's my son down there!' My finger trembles as I point in panic, and the throngs of people stare back at me in pity.
Alarms and sirens are sounding in my ears, but I'm unsure if it's real or fake — either way, they're too faint to pay attention to.
‘Chris, what’s happening?’ Jack jogs up to me.
‘Someone came in and asked us to call Search & Rescue and an ambulance?’ ‘Cole.
He fell.
He’s down there.
I need to get to him,’ I say in a panic.
Jack’s eyes widen in alarm.
Shaking, I start to tread down the icy, jagged slope, but there's resistance on my shoulder as I'm halted to a stop.
'Chris.
Search & Rescue should be here soon, along with the ambulance.
If they need to airlift him, they will,' Jack informs me.
'I need to get to him,' I beg, shrugging out of his grip.
He knows it would be futile to argue with me, so he starts the sharp decline with me.
Unsteadily, we both take far too long to reach him, stumbling and tripping once or twice.
When we get to him, I fall to the ground in relief that I made it to him.
I'm even more relieved that he has a strong, steady pulse.
From my preliminary assessment and entirely untrained medical opinion, it looks like he's broken his right leg.
His face is all bloody and muddy with scrapes and scratches, and there's a mighty egg on his head.
I beg for it to be just a concussion and not a brain bleed.
'Cole.
Cole.
Can you hear me?' I take his hands in mine, trying not to move him.
I've never been so terrified in my life.
'D…Dad?' he stutters in confusion, eyes blinking open.
The brightness seems to pain his eyes as he winces them shut again.
'I'm here, son.
I'm here.' Choking on my emotions, I kiss his hands.
I've never been so damn scared in my life.
Before I can ask him what hurts, we're ambushed by the real professionals who sweep in and take over.
It's organised chaos as they work efficiently to get Cole to the hospital.
Thankfully, we don't need to be airlifted and arrive at the hospital in less than an hour.
As suspected, he's fractured his right leg and has a concussion.
Miraculously, there's no internal bleeding, and the rest of his injuries are just on the surface.
Guilt eats me alive as I realise none of this would have happened if it weren't for me.
'We're going to keep him here for a couple of days just to be sure,' the doctor tells me before turning to Cole.
'It's a Christmas miracle.
You're one very lucky guy, Mr.
Blitzen.
Rest up, and I'll see you tomorrow.' With that, a flurry of blue scrubs exit the room, leaving just Cole and I.
I hate hospitals.
I despise their clinical nature and industrial medical smell.
I despise how one place can have so much happiness and sadness all at once.
But what I hate the most is the silence among the annoying shrill of bells and alarms.
There's tension radiating off me and Cole.
I don't think either of us knows where to begin.
He's subdued as the adrenaline from today and drugs start wearing off.
I'm downcast as I look down at the plaster encasing his leg, and I'm beat.
Exhaustion doesn't cover what I'm feeling between the allnight fuck fest with Holly and this morning's horror show.
'Can you sit down? You're making me nervous.' I didn't realise I was pacing.
Taking the chair beside his bed, I'm still lost for words.
A tiny part of me hopes the concussion made him lose the memory of finding out about me and Holly, but I can see in his vacant eyes that's not the case.
I go to say something.
Anything.
Several times, but I can't find the right words — if there are any.
The cacophony of beeps highlight just how silent we are.
'Can you just tell me why? Why her?' His head thuds back on the pillow.
'We don't have to do this now.' 'No time like the present.
I'm not going anywhere,' he grunts.
Sighing, I decide the truth is the best way to go.
'She's everything I want.
I feel like a bastard saying this, but it's true.
She's it.
I swear nothing happened while you were together, but I did have a crush on her the moment I met her.' I'm sheepish as I divulge my infatuation with her.
'That long?' Cole scoffs in dismay.
I nod.
'When did it start?' 'About six weeks ago.'
'How?' Oh God, please don't ask that.
Ask anything but that.
I blink, trying to buy myself time.
'The truth.' He sees the indecision in my eyes and calls me out.
'We met on a Christmas dating app.
It was anonymous.
I didn't know it was her until the second time we met.' There.
That wasn't so hard.
It was the truth, just a watered-down version.
'It's fucked.
You know that right?' he groans frustratedly.
'I know.' 'I really liked her, Dad.
I didn't treat her right when I was with her, but I wanted to try again, and then you came along and stuffed it all up.
Everything about this entire thing is fucked.'
'I don't know what to say to make any of this better.
I felt like a dog going behind your back, but it was inevitable.
I never wanted to be attracted to her.'
'How serious did it get between you two? Was it just a bit of fun?' I hear the resignation in his voice, as if he knows what my answer will be.
Shaking my head I need to be completely honest if I'm going to salvage any chance of a relationship with him.
'I love her.
I'm in love with her.
I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I won't if you don't want me to.
You're my son, a part of me.' I'm sure my eyes look as red as someone who is high.
I'm trying to contain my emotions.
'I'm so sorry, Cole, for hurting you.
Failing you as a father.
For not being there for you when you were drowning.
I hate that there is so much dissonance between us.
I hate myself for going behind your back with Holly.
There will never be enough apologies to right my wrongs.'
He stares at me for what feels like forever.
There isn't a flicker of emotion on his face, and I cannot read what's on his mind for the life of me.
'Does she love you?' Surprised at his question, I nod.
He shakes his head in despair before leaning back on the pillow.
'She never said she loved me.
Not once.' He pauses for a second, furrowing his eyebrows.
'What you both did was fucked up.' He waits again while I hold my breath.
'I don't know how to process you being with my exgirlfriend…but what hurts the most is that you betrayed me.
Did you even think of me at all?' Bile rose in my throat, and the acidity of it burned.
'I tried not to thin k about you when I was…with her.' I wince as I look at his horrified face.
'But I did feel guilty and selfish after each time.
I broke it off with her and then her mum came to the store.'
'Did you want to break up with her?' I didn't want to lie to him anymore, so I shook my head again.
At this rate, I was going to get a rye neck.
'Does she really make you happy? She's not just a mid-life crisis?' 'She does.' 'She could be your daughter.
She's so young.' 'I know.' 'Okay,' he sighs and closes his eyes.
'What does that mean? What are you saying?' I'm like an eager puppy waiting for scraps.
Shuffling on the bed, he finally levels his gaze with mine.
'I'm not even in the vicinity of being okay with this…but I'm not going to be the one who makes you miserable.' I couldn't believe this was my son talking, and the shock registered on my face.
Rolling his eyes, he addresses my expression.
'Yes, I've been an asshole for years, but I don't want to be that person anymore.
It's time I grow up and this is me showing you I'm growing up.
It's fucking weird, and it's gross, but if you want to be together… I'm not stopping you.
Just don't abandon me like Mum.'
My heart sings and cracks at the same time.
I'm overjoyed by this turn of events, but I'm shattered that my son would think I'd ever leave him.
We speak in depth about his feelings for a good hour and decide that maybe we both need to be brutally honest with Josephine about how, when she walked out on our family, she broke us in ways we didn't know until years later.
Knowing I have all the time in the world to talk to Holly, I decide to spend the next few days with my son.
Prioritising him and building a stronger bond.
We've both made a mountain of mistakes, but we're both man enough to own up to them and fix them.
I haven't felt this content or hopeful in a long time.
I have my son back and am about to get the girl of my dreams.