Chapter 5
Sean
Chapter Five
I toyed with her, and now I’m the arsehole.
She’s maintaining a neutral expression, but I can tell she feels anything but. It’s the slight strain in the muscles in her neck when she realized who I was. It’s like her body vibrates because it’s gone so stiff. I felt her feet pull back under her chair.
“What do you want from me, Sean?”
“To finish lunch and figure out where we’re having dinner.”
“Why?”
“Because you told me you were free for both. And I’m certain I told you I plan to make you hungry for brunch.”
She turns her head in each direction to see who’s near before she lowers her voice. “Are we going to hate-fuck?”
“Hate-fuck?”
“Yeah. You hate my family, and my family hates yours. Are we going to fuck thinking we’re fucking over each other’s family?”
“We are going to fuck because I’ve never wanted a woman more than I do you. We are going to fuck because I can’t walk away even though this is likely to blow up in our faces. We are going to fuck because if I don’t feel your pussy wrapped around my cock within the next eight hours, I’m likely to go stark raving mad. But I’m taking you out tonight because you’ve intrigued me since the moment I saw you. I’m taking you out tonight because as fecked-up as this is, I want to get to know you better. I’m taking you out tonight because tomorrow I’m going to have to deal with you being an O’Malley, but tonight, I want a reprieve from being an O’Rourke.”
“I—”
Her phone buzzes in her purse. We hear it because the phone must be next to the chairback. She ignores it.
“I want that?—”
It buzzes again. It must have gone to voicemail, and whoever it is called back immediately. I cock an eyebrow, but she shakes her head.
“I want that, too. I want—Motherfucker.” She mumbles the last word as she twists to get her phone.
She mutes it and drops it back in her purse, but it buzzes a fourth time.
“Answer it. Whoever it is needs to speak to you.”
“Hello.”
I see her finger press the button to lower the volume. She doesn’t want me to hear who it is. Ewan or her grandfather, Jean-Peter. A combination of French and English, but both apostles. His family touts being good Catholics because they’re more Irish than Canadian when it’s convenient. He heads the mob there, after all.
“I’m busy right now… No. That’ll have to wait. I’m in the middle of lunch… Don’t worry about that… Don’t worry about it.”
Is Ewan asking who she’s with? She hasn’t looked away from me since she answered. It’s almost unnerving to be honest.
“It went fine. I’ll fill you in when I get back… No, I have plans later… I lived here for four years. I know a lot of people in the city. I will not cancel. I’ve been looking forward to this since I made the plans.”
Her body relaxes as she admits that. Knowing she’s going to be with me puts her at ease. That or she knows she’s lying, and knowing she’s not seeing me tonight makes her feel better. I could be a professional body language interpreter. It’s a skill I’ve honed since I was eleven and got in my first fight.
Juan Diaz pushed Shane, so I knocked him out. His cousin Alejandro saw it but did nothing. At least, that’s what he wanted Shane and me to think. But I saw it. The twitch of his pinky five minutes later, just before he struck. I was ready. I kicked him in the balls. Neither of them got up for half an hour.
I honed that skill working at the abandoned underground train station in the Bronx. It’s where we take care of things no one needs to know about. We did some redecorating. It has a bunkroom, kitchen, and showers. We’re often there for hours at a time. It’s where I was when I couldn’t talk to Lina for a few days. Reading people’s reactions allows me to know when to whale on them and when to let them think they’re getting a reprieve. It’s how I know when I’ve reached their limits and when I can push them to the brink.
But this isn’t torture. At least, not for Lina. I don’t know her well enough to understand all her tells. So, I’m conjuring various scenarios and how I’ll react to her acceptance or rejection. Occupational hazard of working in intelligence. I have contingency plans for ten different outcomes. My family thinks Dillan’s the one who comes up with the most backup plans. He does because he thinks of consequences and contingencies for his contingencies. I only go to the first level unless I need more. I’m more of a don’t beg for trouble where there is none. I don’t worry until there’s a reason to. Have I gotten to the worrying stage now?
“Bye.” She hangs up and drops her phone in her purse before looking back at me.
Neither of us says anything. I don’t know if I should ask, and I don’t think she knows if she should volunteer. I watch the anxiousness creep up her neck as the muscles tighten and stand out with each swallow.
“Cailín, if you want to call off to?—”
“No. Absolutely not. I—I—don’t know what we’re doing. I know it’s likely to blow up in our faces. But you still came, even though you know who I am. I think you were testing me, but I think you were also giving me a chance to tell you more about me. I didn’t know you were an O’Rourke, but I wanted—want—to know more about you.”
“Will he hurt you when he finds out?”
“Who says he’s going to find out?”
I spotted her bodyguard the moment he came in. I’m certain she doesn’t know he’s here. He left the office building right after us. I saw him get into a car that pulled up ten feet behind my town car. He came in and got a table with another guy who looks more like an informant than a bouncer. The second one’s the one who’s going to tell Ewan. I’ve kept them both in my peripheral vision. Neither has used a phone.
“Lina, to your four o’clock, there’s a man who followed you out of the building and got into a car a quarter of the block down from us. Now he’s here. He’s your bodyguard. The man sitting with him is likely your brother’s informant. Neither of them has gotten out a phone, but the second guy is the one more likely to tell your brother. That’s if the first guy didn’t do it in the car.”
“What?” She lifts her chin and looks into the framed picture on the wall. The light reflects off it—Finn insists everything be spotless—so she can see the men.
“Do you know them?”
“Yeah. The big guy is Justin, and the rat-looking guy is Haydon. They both work for my brother. Haydon got a job in the city planner’s office about a month ago. He’s supposed to fuck things up for your family’s construction projects. Justin is one of Ewan’s oldest friends. I told my brother I didn’t want a guard. I wanted to blend in. Justin might have come on his own. He’s been protective of me since we were kids.”
“Does he love you?”
Her brow furrows. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve never had any reason to think he does.”
“Then why would he volunteer without even telling Ewan?”
“He doesn’t like the way Ewan lets some of the guys talk to me.”
She snaps her mouth shut when she sees my expression darken. I want her to know I’m not okay with that. I want her to know that isn’t happening again.
“Who, Lina?” My voice is deceptively low.
“No. You aren’t putting a hit on them.” She whispers as she leans forward.
“I don’t need to.”
I’ll motherfucking kill them myself. I’ve never felt this anger in defense of someone who isn’t part of my immediate family.
“Sean, please don’t. I don’t want you going to Boston unless it’s to visit me. And I don’t want you to visit me, so you have an excuse to deal with them. Stop. I know you can protect yourself. That isn’t what I’m worried about. And I don’t give a shit about the assholes you’re already angry about. I don’t want more trouble between our families. I’m here to fuck you over.”
She closes her eyes as her head tilts down. I see the color rising in her cheeks. Ewan sent her to the meetings that will screw my family over. She doesn’t have to say it out loud.
“Lina, look at me, please.”
She shakes her head.
“Look at me.”
I infuse the same command into my voice that I did in the car. Her head jerks up. I don’t want to bully her, but I want her to listen not just hear.
“Little one, I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. Not when we’re alone and not about this. But that promise is only absolute for one of these. You will not convince me to compromise or back down if someone is a threat to you or makes you uncomfortable for even a moment. No one is exempt from that.”
Her eyes widen, and tears brim. Fuck. I pushed too hard because she knows I meant Ewan and her grandfather. I haven’t forgotten about him. He leads the fucking Irish in Montreal. I’m supposed to meet with him soon. Wonder-fucking-ful.
“I won’t cry, Sean. It’s not because I’m scared for my family. No one but my mother has been that protective of me.”
“You are mine to pleasure. You are also mine to protect.”
“Until I go home.”
“No. Until you tell me to leave. Boston. Montreal. Here. Wherever. Until you say we’re done, you are mine to take care of.”
“Do you have any idea how hot you are—like—all the time? Do you realize how even hotter you are when you say stuff like that?”
“Thank you for thinking I’m attractive. But I’ve never said that stuff to any woman but you.”
I want her to know she’s special to me. Like I can’t describe it, but I already know I’m on the same road Dillan and Finn paved for me. There’s no point in fighting the current because these feelings are already sweeping me away.
We’re quiet for a few minutes as we eat. That shite got heavy fast. I’m uncertain what she’s thinking about, so what she says next surprises me.
“Can we get through tonight together as just normal people? Then I’ll tell you what I can about Ewan.”
“Cailín, I don’t expect you to share family secrets.”
“Even though you wish I would. You don’t expect it because you don’t want me to expect the same in return.”
“I’ll admit to the first part, but it isn’t because of what you’ll expect in return. I won’t ask because I hate that you’re already in the middle. It’s a dangerous place for you to be.”
“You said I’m yours until I tell you to leave. I will leave if this puts you in danger.”
“So, you’re going to keep one foot out the door and ready to run. You know the danger I’m in since you’ve stayed for lunch and still want to see me for dinner. If that danger gets inconvenient, you can bolt.”
“No.” She glances over her shoulder. “Is Ewan going to put a hit on you the moment he finds out? Will my grandfather?”
“I don’t know.” It’s true.
“Now that I know who you are, I know there’s always danger surrounding you. I meant if the threat is credible and impending. I won’t lead them to you and serve you on a platter. I will leave before that happens. I don’t want you to die like my?—”
She presses her lips between her teeth. She’s just connected another set of dots. She knows I had something to do with her father’s death. She just doesn’t know what.
“I need to know what you know about that, Lina. But we can’t talk about it here.”
“I know.” She sounds morose as she goes back to her food.
I want nothing more than to hold her like I did in the car. Just have her in my arms, so I can comfort her. I won’t promise that everything will be all right because it absolutely won’t be. But I’ll do my damnedest to make most of it all right.
I’ve lost my appetite, but I don’t want her to feel like the meal is over. I won’t rush her through it, so I finish most of mine. It really is delicious. My brother is the best cook of the six of us. Our parents made sure we can cook because they said the cafeterias closed when we moved out. No more sweeping through their houses and expecting to find food ready for us. Finn likes to ensure there’s good food wherever he goes. Seamus and Cormac might be the biggest of Finn, Shane, Dillan, them, and me, but Finn can eat the most. The man is a stomach that happens to have arms and legs.
Lina pushes her food around a bit but eats most of it. She finally lays her knife and fork down. She meets my gaze, and I have the surge of protectiveness course through me again.
“I think I’m going to cancel my next meeting.” Her voice is barely more than whisper.
“Do you not feel well? Do you want me to take you to your hotel?”
“I feel fine, but I’m tired. I don’t know where I want to go, but it isn’t to the meeting.”
Her left hand is resting on the table, and the inside of her thumb is swiping over the tip of her index fingernail. She doesn’t seem aware. I wonder if that’s an unconscious nervous habit or just something for today.
“Sean, how on earth can this possibly work? I want to tell you everything for a few reasons, but I can’t tell you anything. I can’t betray my family. They don’t deserve that from me even if they’ve been shitty to you. I don’t want to draw you closer to an enemy and put your head on a chopping block. It’s not just about Ewan and Granddad. Anything I tell you endangers everyone connected to the O’Malleys and the Tremblays. That includes my mom and stepmom. I said I’d tell you everything, and I still want to. But I can’t.”
“And I don’t expect you to. I told you that.”
“I appreciate it. But it doesn’t put me any less in the middle. It’s going to piss your family off when they find out you hooked up with me. And it’s pretty much inevitable both of our families will know. With Justin and Haydon here to confirm it, the town criers are already out.”
“I didn’t hook up with you, Lina. We didn’t have and won’t have a one-night stand. We aren’t becoming fuck buddies, either.”
“I’m going to cancel the meeting this afternoon. I want to see you tonight through to tomorrow morning. But I have to go back to Boston. I can’t stay here any longer, or Ewan will shit a brick.”
“When you get home, I don’t want this to be over.” Do I sound like I’m begging? It feels like it.
“It won’t be. Can we keep texting and talking on the phone?”
“I’d like that.”
“Me too. Do you have meetings this afternoon?”
“No. I was going to do some research, but it’s not pressing.”
Her lips draw back between her teeth, and she sighs. “You were going to see if you could crack my encryption.”
I neither confirm nor deny.
She closes her eyes, and she appears drained. I feel the way she looks.
“I can’t tell you the code because that would fuck over my family. But I hate keeping this from you. If it were any other family, I know I would confide in you. I just know I would.”
“Shh, little one. Do you want to take a nap before dinner?”
“Yes.” She looks like she wants to say something, but she holds back.
“You’re going to sleep in my arms this afternoon because I don’t plan to let you get any sleep tonight.”
We walk through the suite to the bedroom. The living room doesn’t appear like anyone’s checked in. The bedroom has a small roll aboard suitcase on the folding suitcase rack. It’s closed, so I don’t know if she fully unpacked. I can see a pair of jeans and two shirts hanging in the closet as we walk past. The bathroom is just beyond.
When we come to the bed, I slide my arms around Lina’s waist. I held her during the car ride here after she called someone when we stepped outside the restaurant. I gave her space to cancel her meeting, but it left me staring at Justin and Haydon when they stepped out. They must not have realized we were on the sidewalk. None of us said anything. We just sized each other up. I glowered at Haydon, hoping it would get him to wait at least five minutes before running off to tattle to Ewan. I watched Justin, and he watched me. He’s definitely in love with Lina. He hid it, but that body language reading I do—it was obvious he isn’t pleased I’m where he wishes he could be.
“Cailín, I invited myself over. If you’d rather have space and be alone, I?—”
“No. Don’t go.” She spins in my arms. “I was so relaxed in the car.”
She shakes her head and looks down. She’s so conflicted right now. Reality is crushing her, and she doesn’t know which way to turn. I draw her closer to me, and she sags against me. I don’t know what it is about me to her and her to me. It’s something elemental.
“Sean, why doesn’t any of this bother you?”
“It bothers me a lot. Lina, I rarely show emotion. Not even with my family. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel them. I’ve just—learned not to show it.” I was taught and not with kindness and patience.
“Okay. So, you feel bothered, but you’re still here. Aren’t you worried about what your family’s going to say when they find out?”
I unzip the back of her dress, but I don’t push it down. I let her decide if she wants to be even partly nude in front of me. She hesitates, then kicks off her shoes and lets the dress fall off her shoulders.
“Do you have pajamas?” I practically croak each word.
Hurt and embarrassment flash across her face. She steps back, but I don’t let her go farther than that. I snag her wrist and jerk her back to me. My hands grasp her arse and squeeze until she presses harder against me to get away from my hands. I rock my cock against her before I lift her and guide her legs around my waist. I walk the six steps to the closest wall and trap her between me and it. With one arm under her arse, I yank down her left bra strap. Her tits make my mouth water. I’m ready to devour them in one bite each.
I lean forward and take her left one in my mouth, tonguing her nipple. I suck on it before letting it go. I attach my lips to the inside and suck as hard as I dare. When I’m certain I’ve left a hickey, I squeeze until she whimpers. I move to the outside of her breast and leave another hickey. She hasn’t stopped me, so I move to her right side. When I put my mouth to the top of her tit, I look up. Her gaze is passionate and hungry. She doesn’t stop me as I leave one after another close to her nipple. There are five spread out across the top and sides.
I pull the hair tie from her bun and let her hair tumble down her back before I fist it. I hold her head pulled back as I rake my teeth along the side of her neck until I tug on her earlobe.
“I am going to hide us away for a week. I am going to mark you everywhere and anywhere I want. And that means your neck. I will see them and know you’re mine. They are for my eyes only. I won’t embarrass you with them where anyone else can see them. But I will do it and enjoy knowing I can. You thought I didn’t want to see you naked. I don’t, but not for the reason you think. I’m about a hair’s breadth from tying you to that bed and fucking you every way I can think of. If you don’t put some clothes back on, I will.”
I lower her to the floor and step away. She slips past me, and I turn to watch her. She unfastens her bra and lets it drop to the floor. She pushes down her panties, and I pounce. I have to watch my strength. She’s so light that if I’m not careful, I will hurt her. I wrap my arm around her waist and haul her backward until I can lift her onto the bed. If I wasn’t careful, I would have flung her.
I push her legs wide and have a far better view of her cunt than I did in the cramped backseat. I mark a line up each thigh. I see her breathing grow more rapid. I see her get so wet she’s dripping. When I move to get off the bed, she reaches for me. I roll her onto her belly and land a slap across her arse before rolling her back.
“Do you not remember already? I decide. I will put you exactly how I want you. It isn’t with your hands out to hold me. Cross your wrists and put your hands above your head.”
I pull my tie loose as I toe off my shoes. I’m way too much of an expert at restraining people’s wrists. When I have them secured, her arms straight above her head, I press a kiss to her cheek.
“Baby, what’s your safe word?”
She looks at me. “Tulips.”
The flower festival. I freeze for a moment when I realize how fast that came to her.
“Sean, I’ve been picturing us like this since the funeral. It probably makes me a shitty person because I wanted this before we even left the cemetery. I’ve had time to come up with what I’d use with you. I have never used that with another man.”
“But you understood what I meant and already knew to have one.”
“I belong to a BDSM club in Montreal. I have applications out to two clubs in Boston. I’m into the lifestyle.”
That makes me pause.
“Do you have a Dom?”
“No. Not since grad school. I scene with certain people, but I haven’t been in a formal arrangement in years. Do you have a sub?”
“I did until six months ago. She wanted more than I was willing to give. She wanted me to feel for her what I already feel for you. We had an arrangement for a little over a year.”
“You’ve shown me lust, possessiveness, protectiveness, politeness, kindness. Didn’t you feel those things for someone you were with for more than a year?”
“No. I didn’t want to, and it didn’t come naturally. I liked what I had with her, but nothing about her or any woman in my past made me feel what I do for you. They may have gotten lust and politeness, but that’s about it. I didn’t hold them while they slept. I tended to their aftercare, and I did it without reservation. I liked it. But it wasn’t with affection.”
Is there any intimate subject we aren’t going to discuss today? A prostate exam would be less revealing.
“I feel those things toward you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been curious about a man. You piqued my interest the moment I saw you. I enjoy texting with you and getting to know you. I haven’t wanted to do that with anyone in ages. I don’t like to fall asleep with people because it makes me too vulnerable. Not emotionally. I mean physically. You know both sides of my family are mob. I’ve been aware of the danger since I was fifteen. I feel safe with you. I want to fall asleep with you holding me.”
“What are your limits?”
“Just the real taboo. No body fluids.”
“What else? Impact? Temperature? Denial?”
She watches me as I strip. She seems to weigh her words.
“Sean, I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when Ewan and Granddad find out I’ve been with you. Been around you. I’m torn between what feels right—telling you everything—and what I believe is right—keeping my family’s secrets secret. I don’t know if this is the one and only time we’ll be together. I want everything we can come up with. I want it hard and rough. I need that.”
“You were scared that I didn’t find you attractive the moment you took off your dress. You’re scared this is our only chance together. You’re scared I don’t want this as much as you do. You need me to show you I want you as much as I say. I need to show you I do. And that’s for my sake, not because of you. I’m bigger than you and stronger than you. I will always be careful with you, but if it goes from hurt to harm, and you don’t tell me, I won’t forgive either of us.”
“Sean, I get why you’re worried. I’m scrawny and bony. I look like a twelve-year-old boy. But I?—”
I pick her up and turn her over. I don’t fully drop her onto the bed, but I’m not gentle like before. My hand cracks down on her arse over and over. I pay close attention to my strength and where each spank lands because she’s so slender. She doesn’t have much padding over the bones. She’s also supple and feminine.
“Speak poorly about the only body I’ve ever craved, and the first time we fuck it’ll be in your arse. You will discover just how much I like it when my cum is in you.”
She won’t because I’ll have to wear a fucking condom. That’s a reality check that makes my balls angry. I’ve never gone bareback. Ever. I roll her over more carefully, but I pinch her right nipple until she claws at the air.
“Sean, I know I’m extremely thin, but I won’t break. I know you’ll be careful. Even when you think you’re on the brink of no control, your conscience wouldn’t let you hurt me. I believe that to my soul. That’s why I trust you like this. Why I don’t need or want limits. I know I’m safe with you. At least when we’re like this.”
But she’s already in danger in the real world.
I widen her legs and rub her clit. She watches me as I stroke my cock. Her arms flex, and I know she’s fighting not to reach for me. I want her hands on me. Her mouth. Her cunt. But I’m denying us both. Delayed gratification.
“I think we reached one of my limits, Sir.”
I stop immediately. I sweep my gaze over her, terrified I’ve hurt her already.
“Shh, Sir. My limit is I can tell I’m about to get really upset watching you pleasure yourself. It’s bothering me more than I expected. I can handle orgasm denial, but you not—letting me touch you.”
“That isn’t what you were going to say. Tell me, Lina. Say it.”
I’m pushing her. Normally, I wouldn’t insist she share her thoughts. They’re hers to have. But I’m certain what she’s avoiding saying.
“You not needing me or wanting me to touch you.”
“Open your mouth. Keep it open.”
I move her, so her head is at the edge of the bed. She’s perpendicular to me. She knows what I want, so she tilts her head back off the side. I slide my cock into her mouth, careful not to shove it down her throat—despite the consuming temptation.
“You really think I don’t want you to touch me. You really think I don’t need you to touch me. You are going to swallow all my cum, little girl. Suck me.”
I close my eyes as she works my cock. Fucking hell. I’m coming already. I have never gotten off this fast. It’s embarrassingly fast. She’d watched me. She knew I couldn’t last. She licks me as I pull out. I shift her again, propping pillows under her head in case the angle she was in hurt her neck.
“I didn’t want you to know how soon I was going to come if you touched me. But now you do. If you want me to last long enough to fuck more than your mouth or hand, you’ll understand why I won’t let you touch me when I’m too close to coming.”
“Sean, please don’t hold back. This isn’t about how long or short this lasts. I still don’t want you pleasuring yourself. I get now that it’s not about your feelings toward me. But it makes me feel—” She shrugs.
I help her sit up before I sit on the edge. She twists, and I hold her upper body.
“It makes me feel empty. Hollow. Separate from you. It felt amazing having you rub my clit, but I couldn’t concentrate on that because of how badly I wanted to be the one touching you. I don’t get why my emotions are swinging from one end of the pendulum to the other over and over when I’m with you. I don’t know how to deal with this. Why are we like this?”