4. 넷 ‘net’
The cold floor jolts me awake as soon as my eyes open. I had dozed off before making it to my bed.
I fumble around, feeling for my phone with my hands. When I find it, I unlock it and glance at the screen, revealing the time to be seven in the morning. The soft glow outside makes its way in through the creaks on my blinds, but I’m tempted to go to my bed and stay a little longer.
Then it hits me. Jeremiah.
I walk to the living room and find him lying on the sofa, sleeping soundly; at least one of us got a good night’s sleep. My bakery opens in three hours, so I try to sleep for at least one more. The sound of a door closing wakes me up. My hand reaches for my phone, tapping on the screen. 9:30 a.m.
Shit, I overslept.
I rush outside of my bedroom and encounter Elisa standing by the living room’s entrance.
‘Elisa?’ I ask with my raspy voice.
‘Lilah, don’t freak out.’ Her voice is for my ears only. ‘But there’s a man sleeping on our sofa.’
I laugh. ‘It’s Jeremiah, from Greener’s . He stopped by last night drunk and fell asleep as we talked.’
At the exact moment words stop coming from my mouth, the man on the sofa wakes up.
‘Lilah? Where am I?’ Jeremiah asks, rubbing his eyes.
‘Obviously at our flat,’ Elisa says, rolling her eyes.
‘Why?’ He glances around the room.
Is it possible that he doesn’t remember our conversation? That way, I wouldn’t have to break his heart with his unrequited love.
‘You came here last night—drunk, very drunk—to tell me something and then fell asleep on the sofa as we spoke.’ I pray he doesn’t remember what happened.
‘Oh…’ He scratches the nape of his neck. ‘What did I say?’
‘That you saw Elisa at the party and she told you I was alone and then…a little later you crashed.’ I’m not lying, but I’m also not telling the whole truth.
‘Nothing else?’ He looks at me, eyes gleaming through the tiredness.
‘Yep.’ Okay, now I lied, but it’s for his own good. I’m preventing a heartbreak.
‘Oh, cool. I’m sorry for bothering you. I don’t even remember why I came.’
Doesn’t he remember, or is he lying like me? It’s not always a bad thing though, as long as we lie to protect another. I’m lying to protect him, but I also feel bad about it.
Suck it up, Delilah.
Being a grown up sucks. It’s filled with choices you need to make to avoid a disaster, even if most of the time those choices just create new choices and eventually everything explodes.
‘No worries, I have to get ready for work. I’m supposed to open the shop at ten.’ No way in hell that’s gonna happen, but I shouldn’t waste more time. ‘Elisa can show you the way out.’ I smile at them, and my flatmate looks sideways at me.
When I hear the front door closing from inside my room, I fall flat on the bed.
How am I going to look at him now? I can’t avoid him, but I want to avoid this situation so much.
‘Can I come in?’ Elisa asks, knocking on the door.
‘Sure,’ I say, my voice a mix between a human and an animal.
‘That guy is weird.’ She sits on the corner of my bed. ‘He was asking so much about you last night.’
My eyes pry at her. ‘He was?’
‘Yeah.’ She chuckles. ‘He really didn’t say anything else before falling asleep?’
I look back at the ground and nod. ‘He said he liked me.’
I wait for her to say something, but Elisa keeps quiet, waiting for me to go on.
‘I don’t know if he really doesn’t remember, but I hope so. He’s a good guy and I don’t want to hurt him.’
‘Remembering or not, if he had the guts to tell you once—even if he was drunk—he will tell you again. How are you going to react to that?’
She has a point. At least now it won’t be a surprise and I’ll be able to come up with an answer first, but I won’t have a second chance often. I need to get better at controlling my emotions.
‘I’ll be prepared next time. Aren’t you even a little surprised he likes me?’
Am I the only one who didn’t see this coming? Even his sister has said he has a crush on me.
‘Oh, no, you can see kilometres away that he likes you.’
‘I guess I lost faith that anyone would ever like me. I just…I stopped feeling beautiful a long time ago.’ My vision travels beyond the white framed window. The birds sing outside and in my mind Blue everyone does. But I make sure they are just that: bad days. I don’t allow the thoughts I have in those days to become my normal, to swallow me.’
‘But how? How can I work on my confidence? How can I get that back?’ I’m really desperate at this point. I’m a truck trapped in snow, giving its all to get out, but in the end runs out of gasoline before it can even move. ‘I’m so tired of this. Sometimes I just want to scream until I have nothing else weighing on me.’
‘Then scream.’ The corners of her lips lift in mischief.
I’m bewildered, staring at her, so she grabs my hand and leads me outside our flat.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask as she pulls me all the way up our building’s stairs. Thankfully we live on the last floor. We get to our rooftop, and she lets go of my hand.
‘Go ahead, scream,’ she says, pointing her head towards the sky.
‘What? No…’ I watch how every person looks tiny from here, nothing but ants running around.
‘You said you wanted to scream, so do it.’ I can tell she’s dead serious.
‘I mean, I can’t do it here. People will hear it.’
‘You have to stop caring about what others think. If you won’t do it, I will.’ With that, she releases a raging scream into the air until she can no longer breathe.
‘Ah!’ She exhales. ‘This felt amazing. You should really try it.’
‘Thank you. One day I’ll try it. I need to open the shop now.’
We return to our flat, and I get ready to go to work. Elisa stays in her room the entire time. Most likely, she went to bed to recover from the night out.
I do want to stop caring about what others think. I don’t know how I’ll do that, but I won’t give up. That’s my goal now, my priority, to get better.
***
The shop was slow today, so I closed earlier. As I arrive home, the place is silent. Either Elisa is still sleeping or she isn’t home. So, I grab my speaker and some scented candles and walk to the lavatory. I turn on the water and let the bathtub fill halfway, pour a purple bath bomb, light the lavender-scented candles, and turn the speaker on low.
Confidence comes from self-love, and the first step to self-love is self-care.
I take my time, enjoying the water, the aroma in the air, the music, my body. There’s a certain type of peace that comes from taking care of myself, and I’m saddened by the realisation that I can’t remember the last time I did this.
I get out of the shower and moisturise my skin. After that, I do my skincare routine and take care of my hair. I leave the loo, a towel wrapped around me and the Bluetooth speaker on my arm, still listening to music.
As I pass through the hallway towards my room, the sound of people laughing fills the air, drowning out the music from my speaker. Despite the relaxed state of my mind, my feet refuse to quicken their pace. I walk, slow and steady, to my room. The moment I’m about to turn my doorknob, Moon Hee comes out of the living room.
He halts when his eyes meet mine and smiles, opening his mouth to say something. Something I don’t let him say as I get inside and close the door.
I’m still in my self-care zone, and I don’t want to think about what he thought when he saw me like that. I get dressed and concentrate on myself, ignoring every thought that pops up about the situation.
You can’t control other people’s thoughts, Delilah. Focus on your own.
Before heading to the kitchen, I stop by the mirror I have near my door, a mirror I rarely use, a mirror I avoid looking at. For the first time in years, I look at myself. Not only at my appearance, but truly at myself. I see a woman in her late twenties, with brown wavy hair down to her shoulders and dark brown eyes, smiling at me. A cute dimple forms as she stares deeper into my soul. A broken spirit, trying to regain its strength, to rise above all the past traumas. A resilient soul, a kind one, too. That’s me, the Delilah Scott I’ve been trying to hide for so long.
A tear rolls down her cheek, but unlike all the others that she’s felt before, this one doesn’t carry sadness within it. It carries hope, hope for her future self.
‘Come join us!’ Elisa says from the living room as I finish cooking dinner and snacks for them. They are preparing to play some board games. ‘Four is better than three.’
My instinct is to say no, hide in my room and stay there until they leave, but I also know this can be another test to get out of my comfort zone as Ms Julie has been saying I need to do. It’s not like they are complete strangers; they come here almost every day.
I grab the pan of mac and cheese I made and take it to the living room, placing it in the middle of the table in front of the sofa without exchanging a single word or a glance. And as I leave to go grab plates and snacks, they all get up to help me.
‘You could have asked us to help,’ Elijah says, grabbing the cups from the kitchen counter.
‘You know Lilah, she likes to do it all by herself,’ Elisa teases, and I fake laugh at her.
‘Oh, she speaks!’ Elijah plays, and I smile at him.
Every time they direct their words at me, I feel like a fish out of water, reaching for a breath to utter back. Especially with him—my heart threatens to leave my chest with every interaction.
I grab the plates from the cabinet, and as I’m about to leave for the living room, Moon Hee stops in front of me. ‘I’ll take these; bring the snacks.’
‘I can take them.’
‘I know, but they seem heavy and I don’t want you to break any plates.’ He smiles, biting the left side of his bottom lip.
Did he just call me weak? Oh no, no, no. Now I’ll have to beat him at the games.
I can see why Elisa spends so much time with them; they are really chill and funny. My presence is still more of an observer than a speaker, but the more I enjoy being with them, the more I open up.
‘Are you sure you’ve never played this?’ Moon Hee asks as I beat him for the third time at whist.
‘Call it first timer’s luck. But it’s for calling me weak earlier.’
‘Weak? When did I—Oh…’ His eyes widen and he chuckles. ‘I wasn’t calling you weak. I just really wanted to help because you had already done so much for us.’
‘Oh… Bianhae (sorry),’ I say, eyes down to the floor.
‘Wait, you speak Korean?’ Elijah asks, surprised.
‘No, I just know a few things I’ve picked up watching K-Dramas.’ I rarely say anything in Korean, but for a strange reason with Moonie, I want to show what I know.
‘So, are you a Koreanboo or something?’ Both my and Moon Hee’s head spurt to him.
‘ Hyung !’ Moon Hee says.
‘What? I’m just asking. I hear her listening to K-Pop and she knows a few words, so she could be.’
‘I am so lost in this conversation,’ Elisa says, and we realise she has no clue what we are talking about.
‘I love K-Pop and K-Dramas, but I’m not learning Korean to get a Korean guy. I’m learning it because I truly enjoy the country and the culture, and I do want to understand what the songs mean without looking up the translation or what my idols say without waiting for subtitles.’ I sigh. This is the reason I don’t speak Korean on the street; people just assume things.
‘That’s great. I was just checking that you wouldn’t start calling me Oppa or something.’ I take offence at Elijah’s comment and as my eyes glance past Moon Hee, I notice the discontent in his face as he glares at his friend.
‘If we were close and speaking in Korean, I might because you are older than me, but don’t worry, I won’t. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to bed. It’s late and I’m tired.’ I stand up to leave.
‘No, wait, Lilah!’ Elisa says. ‘You’re right. It’s late; they should be going home.’
‘Yeah, I agree. I’m also tired,’ Moon Hee says, getting up. ‘Thank you for this lovely evening and for dinner.’
‘Yeah, thank you,’ Elijah says, and they both walk towards the door.
After they leave, I go to my room, and my flatmate follows me.
‘I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’ve never seen Elijah being rude like that. I’m sorry,’ she says, sitting next to me on my bed.
‘You are not the one that needs to apologise. It’s fine. It’s not the first time someone has called me that.’
‘Can you explain what a Koreanboo is?’ she asks.
‘Well, simply put…Koreanboos are people obsessed with Korea and the Korean culture, so much that they renounce their own ethnicity and say they are Korean. They can also be very cringy when talking about their idols and do everything to get a Korean man.’
‘Got it, yeah, definitely rude, and what are the other words you were saying? Moon Hee calls Elijah Hyung a lot, but I have no idea what it means.’
It’s weird but refreshing having someone asking me about the Korean language and culture with a genuine interest and not to make fun.
‘Basically, Koreans, when they are close with someone, rarely use their names, unless they are calling or referring to them. Even then it comes attached to another word. They call them Hyung or Noona when guys speak and Oppa or Unnie when girls speak, when the other is older than them. It means older brother or older sister. It demonstrates your affection and respect towards the other person. In this case, Moon Hee calls Elijah Hyung because he’s older. In Korea, age plays a big part in everyday things, including speech.’
‘So, why did the way Elijah said you would call him Oppa sounded like such a bad thing?’
‘Because Koreanboos basically sexualised the word Oppa , as calling them Daddy, and use it even if they don’t say another Korean word, which is just cringe. The word is supposed to be cute, friendship or relationship wise. It’s also weird for Koreans when foreigners call them that, but only if they aren’t speaking Korean, because it’s their culture,’ I say. ‘But now let’s end this Korean class and sleep. I’m really tired.’
She chuckles. ‘Yes, let’s go. Thank you for the lesson; at least with you I won’t feel as lost when they start speaking Korean out of nowhere.’
‘I’m not fluent. Trust me, we will both get lost.’
‘Well, at least we will get lost together.’ She winks, and this time we both laugh.
I fall asleep thinking that Elijah might not be how I fantasised in my head. People rarely are what they seem, but I believe he’s still a nice person if Elisa hangs out with him. She’s the type of person who has a sharp sixth sense for people and is not afraid to cut someone off if she thinks they aren’t on the same level as her vibe.
Moonie seems like a decent man, but only time will tell how both really are.