10. 열 ‘yeol’
I grab a big coat to cover up my pyjamas, which include an old shirt and tracksuit bottoms—I don’t own any fancy matching pyjamas anymore—and my trainers.
The walk upstairs is slow as my feet drag, but eventually I reach the top. There are no visible stars in the sky, and the moon is shy behind grey clouds. Our primary source of light comes from an old, flickering lamp near the roof’s door.
Elijah is sitting on some old boxes Elisa and I put up there a few years ago, when we attempted to make the roof some kind of hangout place for us. Nowadays we don’t come here often.
As soon as he sees me, he smiles and stands up. He changed into a more comfortable outfit of an oversized black long-sleeved shirt and trackies—the pieces of clothes might change, but not the colour.
‘You came,’ he says, waving at me.
‘Of course.’ I give him a small smile.
I walk closer to him, sit next to his box, and he sits back again.
‘So, what did you want to talk to me about?’ I ask, looking down as I play with my fingers.
‘I’m going straight to the point so I don’t chicken out.’ He titters. This is the second time I’ve seen him nervous, but it’s still a shock to me. ‘Will you go on a date with me?’
‘W-What?’ I ask, eyes wide, my lungs beginning to compress. The sound of my heart muffles my ears to what he says next.
‘I know I never showed how I felt, but you’ve always sparked my interest and I would like to get to know you better.’ I hear him as if I’m underwater.
I can’t utter anymore. My lungs are too desperate for air at this point. I fall to my knees on the ground in front of me, one of my hands holding tight to my chest while the other holds me in place.
My back senses a warm touch and I flinch, reaching lower.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks. I want to, but my body doesn’t allow me to reach for him.
Please, calm down, Delilah. Please. Don’t let him see you like this.
I get up and say, ‘I’m sorry,’ before racing to my bedroom—my safe place. I need it now. The four walls in which I can let everything out and eventually cool down.
The moment my back hits the cold, closed door, I gasp, searching for any air I can reach.
I try to count as high as I can, trying to divert my attention from the panic I encountered when Elijah asked me out and focus on something else.
I’m on number seventy-four when my breathing finally slows down.
I sit on my bed and see the letter from Daldust, so I open it and read it again, anything to make me calm. Their words have a calming effect on me.
I scan through the words repeatedly until the sentences make sense in my head. I finish the letter and grab a glass of water from the kitchen.
Returning to my room, my phone vibrates.
It’s a message from Elijah.
*Are you okay? I’m sorry if I scared you*
My eyes water as I read the text. I lay down on my bed and stare at the screen.
I know I said I didn’t know what I felt for him anymore, but for a split second, when he asked me to go on a date with him, I smiled. Before my mind betrayed me and the panic began.
Ever since that night, five years ago, every time someone asks me out, I have a panic attack. I don’t know why; I never understood why that triggers me. There’s so much I’ve forgotten from that night.
I close my eyes, letting the water run down my face. Crying not only for myself this time, but for Elijah as well. For the way he must be feeling now after I stormed out of there.
He didn’t scare me. I’m just so broken that I shut down at a glimpse of an opportunity that someone might come to love me.
** *
I haven’t seen Elijah today and I’m grateful for it. I’m not ready to face him yet. In fact, he is here, with Elisa and Moon Hee in the living room, but I pretended to be asleep when my flatmate came to check on me.
Right now, I’m trying to focus on reading a book, but my mind keeps travelling to him.
Someone knocks on my door and it startles me, making me drop the book on my lap. I keep silent—maybe they’ll go away—but a second knock sounds and this time a voice accompanies it.
‘It’s Moon Hee, nobody else,’ he says, but I stay still. ‘I know you are awake, I saw you go to the loo a while ago. Can we talk?’
Why did I have to pee?
I ponder if I should open the door or not. The thought of facing someone makes me want to hide under my blanket.
It’s just Moonie, you can do it.
‘Come in,’ I say at last.
I wait a few seconds and wonder if he has already walked away when he opens the door.
Walking closer, he looks around the room, but doesn’t speak a word.
I’m sitting on the bed, watching him as he approaches me and sits on the floor with his back leaning on the bed frame, facing the same wall as me.
‘Do you want to talk about what happened?’ Moonie asks. ‘I know Elijah went to talk to you last night, and the fact that you aren’t there with us lets me know that it didn’t go as smoothly as he wished.’
The person I usually speak with about that kind of thing is Ms Julie, but I still have a week before I can speak with her again and I don’t know if I can hold this in for that long.
‘I panicked,’ I confess, and he stays quiet. ‘I didn’t want to. For a second there I was happy, but then I couldn’t control the anxiety taking over my body.’
‘Do you have many panic attacks?’ His voice remains steady and soothing, as if this was a question like any other.
‘I’ve been having them for several years now. They’re better though. I used to have them almost every day and now I go weeks without them. Last night just triggered me,’ I say, thankful that he’s not looking at me—it makes it easier to speak.
I watch his position again. Maybe that was the whole point for him to sit like that .
‘Are you seeing someone about that?’
‘Yes, that’s how I’ve become better.’ This is the first time I tell anyone else about being in therapy. Elisa was the only one who knew about it.
‘That’s good. I’m proud of you for taking that step. Not many people do it, and you should pride yourself for it.’ He turns around to look at me and the corners of my lips lift.
‘Thank you, really, thank you.’ Water rises in my eyes.
It’s paradoxical how overwhelming this situation feels, yet the act of discussing it brings a sense of release. But as much as I try to conceal it, it’s bringing me to tears.
Even though Elisa knows, we don’t talk about it. I never wanted to—I wanted to come home and distract myself from all the troubles of my mind, and she is outstanding at distracting me.
‘In those situations, do you prefer to be held or be given space?’ Moon Hee asks.
I sigh. ‘Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve never had anyone by my side in those times.’
Elijah tried to touch me yesterday, and I flinched. Maybe I like to be given space…
He holds my hand with a comforting smile. ‘I know how hard it can be to speak about your issues, but speaking can be very freeing. He’s not mad at you; quite the contrary, he’s worried.’
‘I’m not ready to speak to him about it,’ I say, looking at his hand holding mine.
Or I might like to be held…
‘You don’t have to. Just come outside and be with us. He won’t touch the subject if you don’t. Just show him that you are alright. Come and have some fun. Dwelling on it will only make it worse.’
He gets up, but never releases my hand. I nod and lift myself up, only letting go of him when we walk out my bedroom door.
‘Lilah, you’re awake!’ Elisa beams the moment we enter the living room.
‘Yeah, I woke her when I went to the loo,’ Moon Hee says, scratching the back of his head.
‘I was wondering why you were taking so long.’ She chuckles.
Elijah says nothing. He’s looking at me with a small smile, but still the sadness in his eyes protrudes .
‘Hey,’ I say.
Moonie and I sit next to them on the sofa, where they are choosing a film to watch.
A film is good—we are together but don’t need to speak to each other. This way I don’t need to touch the subject.
A two-hour film goes by fast when you don’t want it to end. I catch Elijah looking over Elisa at me a few times.
As they talk amongst themselves, I interject a few times, but my focus is mainly on observing their dynamic.
Elisa’s blue eyes shine as she speaks, standing out from her dark skin. I’ve always found it curious how she has one of her eyes half-blue, half-brown, but it intensifies her charm.
Elijah, with his flirty nature, makes you stare all over his face. He has the habit of licking his lips and staring deep into your soul—which most people would assume is because he’s interested in them, but it’s the way he is with everyone. And when he pulls up his shirt’s long sleeves, showing the tattoos on his arms, it sends me over the moon. To say I’m attracted to the ink is an understatement.
Moon Hee keeps pushing his dark hair back as he speaks. He has this way of being serious when talking, but also engaging. He just draws your attention to him, but then when he smiles or laughs he becomes the most adorable person you’ve ever seen. You can never understand what he’s thinking, yet you don’t want to do anything else but figure it out.
We agree on watching another movie and dining, no alcohol this time. It’s Monday tomorrow and we need to be fresh for the start of the week. We all have to work early and a headache is a big no, even with the marvellous potion Moonie concocts to cure hangovers.
‘Did something happen between you and Elijah?’ my best friend asks as we stand in the kitchen, preparing more snacks for the evening.
‘Why do you ask?’ I avoid her stare.
‘I just sense an odd vibe between you two. Besides, he’s quieter than usual.’
‘He asked me out, and I ran away,’ I say, putting chips in a bowl.
‘Oh…Don’t you want to go out with him?’ She frowns.
Elisa doesn’t even ask why anymore; she already knows.
‘I’m not sure. ’
‘Are you not attracted to him?’ She bloody well knows I am.
‘I am, but I don’t think our personalities match.’ I glance over to the living room, imagining what they’re doing.
‘Well, don’t you want to find that out? I mean, you haven’t had the chance to be with just him, to get to know him,’ she says, grabbing some bowls of snacks and walking to the door. ‘You’re shutting off the idea without even giving it a try.’
I follow with plates of pizza in my hands and mumble, ‘That’s true.’
‘Tell me something, would you regret not accepting his invite?’
I know future me would always wonder what if. What could have happened if I went on that date with Elijah?
‘Probably…’
‘Then what do you have to lose?’ she asks, walking into the living room and joining the guys. The lack of chance she gives me to respond just shows how much she knows me. Giving me an opening to make an excuse would only get me to overshadow my true feelings.
I stand by the entryway, looking at them, looking at him, thinking, pondering multiple outcomes.
I walk in, and as Elisa smiles at the plates of pizza, both Elijah and Moon Hee smile at me.