33. 서른셋 ‘seoreunset’
My brain slowly wakes up when I pick up a notification sound in between dreams. Moon Hee sent me another song, but this time he wrote something under it.
*Thinking of you* displays on my screen under UMI’s song wish that i could .
I glance up at the time on the right upper corner. A quarter to seven—my alarm would ring in fifteen minutes—so I decide to turn it off and lower the volume on my phone, placing it near my head on the pillow before I click play on the song.
I can’t hide the fact that I love the way he communicates through songs with me. I love that he’s thinking of me when he hears them or they remind him of me. Something that only he and I know. Our little secret.
I replay the song three times before getting up. Another one to add to my Moonie playlist.
The morning is calm; the sun hasn’t risen in full and the streets haven’t swarmed with people. I love the quiet of being awake when no one else is, whether that be at night or dawn.
I remind myself to take a few deep breaths, a trick Ms Julie taught me for when I want to make sure I’m present in the moment; something to slow down when I’m overwhelmed, to connect me back with my body. I take my time in the bathroom, pampering myself before I face the day.
When the days all blurred together I forgot myself, forgot to take care of me, but I’ve learned that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anything else. Because if I’m not at my best, I can’t give my best.
I leave my flat earlier today and walk up to the roof. I want to eat my breakfast in the open and with a view.
Taking my first step outside, I spot someone else up here. Their back faces me, but that’s a physique I’ve been becoming more familiar with, one I’m becoming quick to recognise, no matter what he wears.
With my feet light so he can’t hear me, I step closer to him from behind.
‘Hey,’ I whisper in his ear.
His face meets mine after a small jump of his torso, and my eyes stare into his big dark ones.
‘Hey.’ Moon Hee’s smile turns devilish at the sight of my lips.
He reaches his hand to the side of my face and brushes my bottom lip with his thumb. I place my plastic container on the edge of the table beside us and wrap my arms around his neck, getting on the tips of my toes. His head leans down until our mouths connect and we breathe again.
‘How I wish I could be your lover…’ he says, taking a step back.
I bite my lower lip, gaining the courage to ask what’s been on my mind since I heard the song for the first time. ‘Do you want to be my lover?’
‘More than anything.’ His stare deepens, reaching every inch of my soul and making me feel more seen than ever—more desired than I’ve ever felt.
My eyes smile, but I don’t know what else to do. He stripped all my layers down. I’m bare in front of him, even with my clothes on.
His gaze travels behind me and back. ‘You brought breakfast?’
‘Oh, right,’ I say, looking back at the table. ‘I came here to have breakfast with a view.’
‘I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful view than you.’
All the heat in my body rises to my face, and I grab my container to hide it. I sit on the chair next to the table and open it.
‘Do you want something?’ I ask, reaching my hand out with the food so he can take a better look at what it is.
‘Mini pancakes…I might just take you up on the offer,’ he says.
Moon Hee grabs another chair and pulls it closer to mine, sitting by my side and placing his hand on my thigh.
His warm presence soothes my body, and his fingers slightly grazing my leg send me a sensation of comfort I’ve never found outside my room. We eat as the sun rises, taking our time to enjoy the moment.
‘Well, I need to go to work now,’ I say, closing my plastic container and lifting myself off the chair.
Moon Hee gets up after me and turns to face me. ‘Can I see you afterwards?’
‘I’m meeting my mum after, but we can see each other later.’
‘What about a drink here, under the moonlight?’ His hand moves to the small of my back and he pulls me to him. My chest hits his.
‘Sounds perfect.’ I smile.
He gives me a kiss on the forehead before turning to the door.
‘Wait!’ I say. ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you what your name meant in Korean…’ I’ve always found Korean names interesting; they always have an intricate meaning and ever since we met, I’ve had this question floating in my mind .
His head spins back at me, and he sighs before speaking. ‘Moon is usually connected to literature, writing, or letters, and Hee means joy or happiness. My mum likes to say that speaking with me is like reading a letter that gives her joy.’
My mouth opens halfway but no words come out. He turns back to the rooftop’s exit and leaves.
He’s a happy letter. A letter I eagerly wait to receive because it gives me joy. Like Daldust…
Moon Hee is a letter of joy, and Daldust is actually Moondust…
Could it be? But how?
I keep thinking about it all morning, trying to find answers until that night from five years ago pops back in my mind. The last moment of the night I felt safe, the only peaceful moment I had in a long time. I remember the guy next to me looking at the moon, his eyes big and shiny from the light. The blurry face comes into focus when I recall him looking at me as I waved goodbye.
It was him…all those years ago. It’s always been him.
The day goes in a flash when you have something occupying your thoughts…and today outpaced many. But that also means the moment I’ve been dreading is arriving.
High heels sound on the floor when the door opens—a specific sound that always reminds me of someone. I turn around from the coffee machine I’m cleaning and huff at how sharp my hearing still is.
‘Lilah,’ my mum says, nearing the counter.
‘Thank you for coming,’ I say.
I walk to the door and put up the closed sign. Signalling for her to sit on the table next to me, I pull out the chair and sit.
‘I can’t say I’m not surprised by your invite, especially after our last talk,’ my mum says.
‘You and me both.’ I look down at the table, gathering my thoughts. ‘Why do you ask Elisa how I’m doing, but not me?’
She gasps. ‘I have no idea what you are talking about.’
‘Don’t play dumb with me. I saw the texts.’
‘How could you expect me to ask you when every time we speak, you treat me so poorly?’ She crosses her arms. I’ve learned from a young age that’s her move when she’s defensive; an armour to protect her.
‘I know I don’t treat you the best now, but that’s because I got fed up with everything you put me through.’
‘What did I do that was so bad? I never understood.’ The look in her gaze shows me she really sees herself as a victim. How could she not know what she was doing, gaslighting me all those years?
‘For starters, you’ve never been a mother. You’ve been a financial provider, but not a mother. Tell me the last time you held me in your arms? The last time you were happy for me, genuinely happy? The last time you told me you loved me?’
Her head turns to the side, but she stays silent. After a few moments, she exhales and turns back to me, and the most fragile tone I’ve ever heard comes from her. ‘I know I’ve never been a mother…I didn’t know how. My whole life my goal was to be part of The London Elite, be someone people respected. That’s how I was raised.’
The light in the bakery reflects on her eyes, making the sparkle coming from the tears she’s trying to hold back visible, but she keeps her posture and continues. ‘My mother grew up poor and everyday she would come home from a job she hated, beaten up, and would stare at me and say, “Veronica, never allow people to think less of you. Don’t be like me; be strong. Be someone people respect, someone people fear, someone unstoppable,” and so I did. I worked my whole life to be like that.
She wasn’t a bad mum. We had great moments when I was little, but as I grew, she became distant and tougher, only smiling when I achieved something. I strived for a smile. My entire foundation to become better came from wanting to see my mother smile. When I was younger, I never aspired to be a mother. I never wanted to pass on that burden. Society is too cruel, especially to young women, but then I met your father and that man turned my entire world upside down. He was everything I wasn’t: serene, happy, compassionate…but I stole that from him. My harsh personality rubbed off on him. And I think that happened shortly after we had you, when our busy life wasn’t allowing him to be the father he wanted and because I’ve never had the mother instinct, I couldn’t understand him.’
Before I went to my grandmother, I remember seeing my father smile every time he got home, always asking for his precious Delilah, but it all changed soon. He grew distant, and stopped holding me, or even looking for me after his trips. He would get home and lock himself in his office. I became invisible .
‘If I’m being honest, I think he shut down and longed to be away from home because it pained him to not be there for you and instead of enjoying those fleeting moments he sent you to his mother, the one person he knew could care for you the way you deserved. Delilah, I did what I thought was best for you. I also didn’t want you to be stepped on, and when I saw what happened to you, I knew I’d failed. I failed as a mother, as a caregiver, as a person. I couldn’t face you after that, but you’re still my child and despite what you might think, I care about you.’
‘Thank you for being honest,’ I say, unable to hold my posture like her, allowing the tears flooding my waterline to spill. And for the first time in my life, I see my mother cry.
‘I’m so sorry, Lilah.’ She holds my hand. ‘I haven’t been a mother for the past twenty-seven years, and I can’t promise to know how to be one. But we’re both adults now, and maybe, if you’d like, we can try again.’
Her face is too blurry for me to see, but I know she means it. We never had a good relationship, but maybe we can try.
‘I’d like that,’ I say and take a few papers from my napkin dispenser on the table to wipe my tears.
We get up and stand by the door, her back straightened as if she didn’t just cry and pour her heart out, but this time she’s smiling.
‘I’m very proud of the person you’ve become, Delilah. And I’m so glad you didn’t take my advice.’ She comes closer to me and wraps her arms around my body. I hug her back, enjoying our first hug since I was four.
The moment she leaves the bakery, I sit back down, my energy stripped from this emotional turmoil. I could really use that drink now.
***
‘Hi Elisa,’ I say, entering our flat.
‘Hey.’ She walks into the living room, and I follow her.
‘I barely saw you these past two days.’ When I left work, she wasn’t awake and when I came back, she wasn’t home.
‘I know, I stayed at Sofía’s yesterday.’
‘Oh, okay.’ I want to tell her about what happened, but I’m not sure if she wants to know. I sigh and sit on the sofa next to her.
My flatmate stares at me. ‘So? What are you waiting for? Tell me about your date!’
I chuckle, happy that she does want to know. ‘It was amazing.’ I haven’t been able to think about that day without blushing. ‘He rented the film room for us, and then we had a picnic prepared, filled with fairy lights and to top it all off…fireworks! He had fireworks playing in the background as we had our first kiss. I honestly thought these types of things only happened in books.’
‘Ah! I’m so happy for you!’ She beams. ‘It does seem straight out of a fairytale. And the kiss?’
‘Perfect.’ I bite my lip at the thought of him.
We look like two teenage girls, all giddy with excitement.
‘I’m meeting him tonight on the roof for a drink, which after today I need,’ I say, propping my head on the back of the sofa.
‘What happened today?’ she asks.
‘I had a talk with my mum…and I’m still processing everything.’
‘Was it bad?’
‘No, quite the contrary. She gave me answers. I cried, she cried and hugged me…It was a mess. But in the end we decided to try again, to try to have a good relationship.’
‘She cried?’ Her eyebrows rise.
‘I know.’ If I had never seen my mother cry, Elisa hadn’t even seen her smile…
‘Wow…Now that I did not expect!’
‘I honestly had no expectations when I asked her to meet. I stopped expecting anything from her a long time ago, but this surpassed any that I could ever have.’
‘I’m glad you worked things out.’ My friend smiles.
‘Me too.’ I sigh. ‘I’m going to eat something and then meet Moon Hee. Are you doing anything today?’
‘I’m having an early night, because I barely slept last night. If you know what I mean.’ She winks, and I laugh.
When my belly is full, I knock on my neighbour’s door.
‘Hey,’ the man that hasn’t stopped making me smile, says.
‘Hey.’ I look beyond his shoulder, seeing if someone else is there.
‘He’s out. On a date, actually.’
My eyes meet Moonie’s. ‘On a date?’
‘Yeah. I have a feeling about who he’s with, but he doesn’t want to tell me, yet.’
‘Who do you think it is?’ I pry.
‘Your friend, Rebecca.’
‘Oh my god, yes! I was rooting for them!’ I’m so happy that Elijah is dating again.
‘Now, shall we?’ He extends his hand for me to hold and, interlocking our fingers, he leads me upstairs.
‘I swear the view at night from here is so beautiful,’ I say, standing near the roof’s half wall.
‘I always come here when it’s not raining.’ He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes to enjoy the gentle wind.
‘Wait!’ I startle him. ‘We didn’t bring anything to drink.’
‘Jesus, Lilah, you scared the shit out of me.’ His hand touches his chest, calming him down. ‘Follow me.’
He takes me to a corner of the rooftop where a brown waterproof cover protects a pile of things and takes the cover off, showing a mini fridge.
‘This is where Elijah and I keep our stash,’ he says, taking out two bottles of soju .
‘You have a secret spot here and didn’t tell us?’ I place my hand on my waist.
‘If we did, it wouldn’t be a secret, would it?’ He winks.
‘Well…it only has to be a secret for everyone else. Elisa and I aren’t everyone else.’
‘No, you’re not.’ His hand reaches behind my back as he closes in on me, our chests connecting.
‘What?’ I ask as he stares quietly at me.
‘I’ve never met anyone like you, as beautiful as you. I could stare at your features forever and never be able to transfer your essence into paper.’
‘I’m no Mona Lisa.’
‘You’re art, Delilah, and I can’t wait to be the artist to decode you,’ Moon Hee says.
A fire ignites inside of me, heating my body, my face burning up like wildfire.
His head lowers to meet mine, and I close my eyes. After a few seconds of not having the action I was expecting, my eyes open again and find his eyes glued to mine.
He smirks and joins my lips to his. I didn’t know he could be such a tease.
The softness of his lips does everything but calm my fire. As his hands hold my waist—after he grabbed both the bottles we were holding and threw them to the lounging chair with a fluffy mattress—I grow wet between my legs, throbbing for him.
Moon Hee pulls me as close as possible to him and I can feel a hardness growing on him. I swallow, my breathing getting heavier, more desperate for him as his mouth travels down my neck and up to my ear.
‘I want you so fucking bad,’ he whispers, and I join my lips to his again, my passion telling him exactly how much I want him too.