Chapter Eleven #3
Why couldn’t she just agree with what he was saying? Why couldn’t they go back to that cold, impersonal marriage he’d wanted from the very beginning and never had?
‘I think it’s best if you return to the palace,’ he said, instead of trying to answer her question.
Her eyes glistened, wary and hurting.
‘Don’t push me away. Please, Malik. Please don’t.’
‘I’m not pushing you away,’ he denied. ‘I just need some space. I’ve got meetings in the next few days that are…important.’
‘They are not as important as this,’ she stressed.
But he needed them to be. He needed to keep things secure.
He needed to keep things in place and locked down.
She moved too many things for him. She moved too many emotions around his head and heart and it was making him dizzy.
She wanted so much and he couldn’t give it to her. Even though he wanted to.
Because he wanted what she was offering to give him freely.
Wanted the love that he could feel radiating from her every look, every touch, every gesture.
He wanted the family that she so clearly wanted.
But if he were to open himself up to that?
If he dared take the risk…if she too rejected him, then he wouldn’t survive that. Not from her.
She bit her lip and looked him in the eye.
‘Is this what you want? For me to go away and you to continue on here?’
‘Yes,’ he bit out, unable to explain why it was what he needed right now.
She held his gaze with hers. He saw every second of her valiant attempts to hold back her emotions, the glistening in her eyes that he told himself he didn’t see.
The way that her lips trembled, the hurt that he had caused there.
And bit by bit, she called it all back, and slipped behind a regal mask he’d never seen before.
One that he hated on sight. She nodded once, her shoulders back, the poise in his wife something almost incredible in that moment.
‘I’ll do as you ask,’ she said, relief flooding at him at her words. ‘But I’ll be going back to Omrhain.’
No.
The word shouted loud in his ears. He didn’t want her to go that far. Just…far enough for him to learn how not to hope so damn much it might break him.
‘Just until you find somewhere to put me that is not in your way,’ she added, before he could argue.
‘Somewhere permanent. I…told you I would be a good wife and I meant it.’ Looking up at him, meeting his gaze, she said, ‘I won’t be a burden to you, so wherever you decide I should be, just let me know. ’
Just until you find somewhere to put me.
His heart dropped, as if it had stumbled, fallen, shattering on the floor.
Because he knew. He knew how much she didn’t want to be alone.
He knew how much she’d wanted family and children and companionship and connection.
He knew it and still he’d done this to her.
He’d made her feel like this was her only option.
He knew how wrong this was, and still he couldn’t stop it.
Hana took a jagged breath.
‘Before I go, I… I want you to know that I understand,’ she whispered.
Malik frowned.
‘I understand that it’s not about children, and it’s not about paper marriages.
That your parents, Farrah, even the country that you think will turn its back on you when someone better comes along, they all should have done better.
They should have given you the kind of love you deserve, the love that you want and the love that you’re capable of giving.
And I understand that it’s not me and my love that you don’t trust, Malik.
It’s yourself. And I just want you to know that it’s okay,’ she said, even as her voice wobbled on the last word.
‘I want you to know that I understand. And that I love you anyway.’
His ears rang with white noise, and he had to shake his head just to clear it.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but there were no words.
She looked up at him, that mask slipping for one final moment, her eyes pleading and begging for him to say something to keep her here, to take it all back. He felt that yearning so much that he was no longer sure if it was something he thought she felt, or something he felt himself.
And then it really was too late.
She’d gone. Left the suite.
He collapsed onto the sofa facing the windows that wrapped around the suite, but saw nothing.
Even as Fatima slipped into the suites to pack up and remove Hana’s things to have them sent on, and even as Ehsan tried to talk to him about what had happened and whether he needed to cancel the next city visit.
He wiped a hand over his face, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. He couldn’t do this. He needed…he needed…
He needed the desert. He needed advice. He needed the one person that had never turned their back on him. He told Ehsan to clear his schedule and to bring him his horse.
His uncle’s encampment was only a few days’ ride from here.
The desert had always been there for him when he’d needed it. Escape, refuge, distraction, neither cruel nor loving—the desert was just the desert. It wanted nothing and offered nothing and that was exactly what Malik needed.