Chapter Sixteen
ASTRID FROZE IN horror at the expectant look on Apollo’s face and knew without a doubt that this was not some poor attempt at a practical joke. He had really gone and bought an entire mansion for them.
Her stomach tightened with nausea as she stared around at the cavernous hall with its glass chandeliers and expensive polished marble floors.
To anyone else, this might be seen as a romantic gesture of the highest order.
But to Astrid…it spelled only disaster. He clearly assumed she would be moving to Monaco, despite her already having told him the importance of her life in London.
He wanted Luca and her by his side, cheering him on and travelling around the world with the racing season.
‘Apollo, we’ve talked about this. About you not consulting with me before making decisions. Did you hear me at all?’ Astrid turned and frowned. ‘You know my home—Luca’s home—is in London.’
‘For now, perhaps, but you’ll both be moving here as soon as arrangements can be made. As I’ve told you, London is no longer the safest place for either of you.’
‘There is no “for now”, Apollo. I won’t be moving. I won’t uproot our son’s life and follow your career around the globe just because you’re determined to prove you deserved that first world championship win.’
‘That’s not fair,’ he said through gritted teeth. ‘I want you both with me, living as a family. This isn’t just about the championship.’
‘It isn’t not about it either, though, is it?
I’ve been in this industry a long time, I know the look of a racing driver on a mission.
Don’t mistake me; I want it for you too.
Like I said when you asked me to marry you, we both have very solid plans for our lives.
We’re both very driven, perhaps too much so.
This idea to move us here is just…it’s too much. ’
‘We are engaged to be married.’
‘I think we didn’t talk through a lot of things that perhaps we should have. And the timing of all of this is difficult, to say the least.’
‘As it is I will be video-calling my son from around the world, updating him with emails and selfies several months of the year,’ he said darkly. ‘Is it wrong for me to want to have us all together when I’m here? Can’t you see that I’m doing this for the right reasons?’
‘What I see is a man who is determined to live in an ideal world, where he can have everything and give up nothing in return.’
She saw the frown between his eyes and her heart sank, because she knew that to him this was a perfectly rational way forward.
But to her it was an echo of the time in her life when she had allowed other people’s wishes to come before her own.
She was not that timid young woman any more; she was strong, and she had built a life for herself that she treasured and that she had earned.
A life that made her happy, and made Luca happy too in its simplicity…
Was it so wrong for her to want to protect that, even if it came at the risk of losing the man she loved?
Because she knew now more than ever that she did love Apollo.
She loved him enough to want him to win on his terms and be happy in his success, even if that success took him away from her.
She closed her eyes, feeling the breeze blow through her hair, and with it came the spicy scent of Apollo’s cologne.
Losing him again would be painful; she was not silly enough to think that she would ever have made it out of this situation completely unscathed.
But she would not regret taking a risk on him, on them.
She would not regret being hopeful, even if it all came tumbling around them so soon.
‘What exactly are you saying, Astrid…that you don’t want to marry me?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds but I know it can’t be like this. It can’t take me from the career I’ve built, and Luca from the stability he needs.’
‘You would live apart from me, keep my son from the father he’s only just met?’ Apollo stepped closer. ‘Not to mention, we haven’t been careful. What if we’re already expecting another child?’
‘First of all, I never chose to keep Luca from you, and I never would. Secondly, I’m not pregnant.
I did a test this morning.’ His eyes widened at her words, but she continued, knowing she needed to get this out.
‘I won’t uproot my son’s entire life; I have to put him first. If you get to race, I will try to bring Luca to see you.
We will support you, but we can’t travel with you around the world, nor will I move him to Monaco on a whim. ’
‘I won’t allow you to walk away from me,’ he argued, a panicked look transforming his face as he took hers in his hands. ‘You need to understand. Look at all that we could have, if you just—
‘No.’ Astrid pulled free, taking a few steps back.
She needed space between them, she needed to be able to breathe.
Apollo took a step towards her and she threw up her hands.
‘I need to leave right now. It was a mistake coming here with you. You convinced me to live in the moment long enough, but it’s not working.
Luca isn’t happy out of his routine. I’m a ball of anxiety…
and now you’re pushing to fully uproot everything I’ve built. ’
‘I’m pushing to keep us together. To build a life together.’
‘But this is your life, Apollo, not ours.’ She swallowed past the emotion in her throat.
‘Family is about more than living under one roof. Maybe if you could just stop holding onto us so tightly, if you could stop letting your insecurities lead your actions, you’d realise that your son truly loves you—we both do. ’
‘Astrid…’ He swallowed, his eyes wide. ‘Let’s just take a moment,’
‘Waiting won’t change anything, Apollo.’ She said. ‘I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, but I did. I don’t want a convenient marriage, I want a real one.’
She closed her eyes to block out the utterly stricken look on Apollo’s face.
He looked like a man drowning rather than one who’d just been told his wife-to-be loved him.
But, then again, love had never been part of their arrangement.
She looked up at him, willing him just to try to open his heart to the possibility of love.
He stepped forward, grasping her hands tightly in his. ‘What we have is real. It’s more than I ever thought I’d be capable of. Please, Astrid…don’t walk away from what we have.’
Something deep within her chest shattered at his words, yet she still managed not to crumble.
Her head held high, she removed herself from his embrace.
‘I think it’s best I return to London. Luca needs time to prepare for school and I…
I need some time too. I’d appreciate if you didn’t make this difficult. ’
‘If that’s what you want, I won’t stop you. I won’t force you to stay with me, Astrid.’ Apollo’s hands clenched by his sides. ‘I’ll ready the jet for the morning.’
During the short drive to the airport the next morning, Astrid agonised over her decision to leave Monaco.
Apollo had calmly agreed to ready the jet when she’d asked, but he had barely spoken to her since they’d left the villa the previous evening.
She couldn’t help but feel a little like that vulnerable girl, punished with silence for going against her parents’ wishes.
Dark sunglasses shielded Apollo’s eyes from view as he leaned against the door of the chauffeur-driven car.
With Luca and Jem already having waved goodbye and gone inside the aircraft, Astrid waited on the steps a moment longer than necessary, hoping that Apollo would say something.
Hoping that he would apologise for pushing.
Hoping that he would acknowledge her declaration of love.
Hoping that he would choose Luca and her over everything else in his world; that he would realise he needed to put them first.
She waited, watching the slow rise and fall of his shoulders as she stood there, one hand braced on the handle of her suitcase for what felt like for ever…
until the time came to admit that it was over.
Just as she had that night in Venice a lifetime ago, Astrid walked away, leaving him standing there alone.
Apollo didn’t know how long he sat waiting after the jet disappeared from view, nor did he know how long he drove around aimlessly along the coastal roads afterwards.
Phone calls from the PR team and Tristan Falco lit up the car’s dashboard, but he ignored them.
He briefly entertained the idea of driving back to Lake Como and sharing a bottle of limoncello with his father, just as Santo had been urging him to.
His father had yet to meet Luca, which he regretted to a certain degree.
But Santo was not the kind of influence that Apollo wished his young son to have.
He loved his parents, but perhaps his childhood did have a lot to do with why he held on to people as tightly as he did, as Astrid had accused him of doing.
It might explain why he was so guarded, why he expected people to leave him, so that he kept them at a distance. Astrid had said she loved him, but she might as well have thrown a live bomb between them.
He growled, thumping his hand down upon the wheel at the memory of the hurt on her beautiful face as he’d just stood there, stunned. At how he’d willed himself to say something—
anything—to make her stay. With every moment that had passed without him responding to her, he’d felt her slip further from his reach.
But how on earth could he ever risk falling in love when the example he’d been set as a child was all he knew?
His only experience of love was the toxic battleground of his parents’ marriage.
Even his grandfather, the person he’d relied on to comfort him, had ultimately tried to control him for his own purposes.