Chapter Fifteen #2
Instead of turning to him as he’d got used to, she fixed her gaze on the far side of the room. Something surged inside him, a stark emotion so powerful he’d swear his heart stopped.
‘I needed time alone to think.’
Her voice was dull, her shoulders slumped. This wasn’t the woman he knew. And why time alone? Often as not they shared the challenges facing them, bouncing ideas off each other. Just yesterday Lena had used him as a sounding board for a complication that had arisen in her research team.
‘Talk to me, Lena. What’s on your mind?’
Slowly she turned, chin lifting in that familiar way. But there was something different this time.
‘It’s been good getting back into more research work. I missed it and you’re right, it’s really where I belong.’
He frowned, not liking the finality of her words or the implication he thought that was the only place she belonged.
‘You don’t need me here and I’m much happier in Edelforst.’ She moistened her bottom lip. ‘I want to live there full-time.’
‘What?’ It was so unexpected Benedikt had trouble believing his ears. ‘You mean until you finish this current project?’
Her gaze slipped away. ‘I mean permanently, at least in time.’ Deep green eyes met his and the force of her tightly leashed emotion rocked him back in his seat. ‘After the first few years, your mother lived most of the time in the US. The country will survive if I move back to Edelforst.’
Benedikt felt his jaw sag, his mouth drop open. It wasn’t only what she said, it was the way she said it, the way she refused to let him in. He felt her roiling emotions but she blocked him like a stranger.
He wanted to remind her they were married. That their relationship grew stronger and better every day. They were joint rulers of a country that needed them. Her words were a hammer blow to the chest. He could barely catch his breath.
‘Why, Lena? Tell me the truth. We’ve been happy together.’
Something shimmered in her eyes and hope stirred.
But then she shook her head. ‘I thought I could do this, but I was wrong. I don’t want a dynastic marriage for the country’s sake.
I want a real marriage, not a power-sharing agreement.
I want to be with a man I can trust , someone I can believe in. ’
Benedikt felt his blood freeze. ‘You don’t trust me?’
Her long pause carved a chasm through his soul. The fact she hurt him so easily should have surprised him, for he didn’t do emotional relationships. But deep down he’d known Lena was different. They were different.
Their marriage wasn’t like any previous relationship, and that had nothing to do with duty or public expectations. It had everything to do with Lena and how she made him feel.
Yet now she swept all that aside, everything he’d felt and hoped, as if they meant nothing.
‘You don’t believe in me? In us?’
The words almost choked him. For the first time in his life he’d let down his guard. Being with Lena had made him want to believe in a better life, in them .
‘How can I when you lie to me?’
His head jerked back as if she’d hit him. Didn’t she know him better than that? It was one more lacerating hurt. Each felt deeper and more devastating. Had nothing about their relationship been as it seemed?
How could he have been so wrong about her feelings? He knew he had little aptitude for deep relationships but he’d been so sure…
‘We promised each other honesty and I’ve never lied to you.’ His voice ground low as he forced out the words. ‘I’m not my father, Lena. How many times do I have to prove it?’
Finally hurt gave way to anger. Bruised pride surfaced, but it was no consolation for the anguish that twisted him inside out.
For the first time he’d opened himself fully to another person. He’d ignored the tough lessons that had taught self-reliance and a mistrust of emotion. He’d trusted and felt and believed in things he never had before.
‘You’re lying now, Benedikt.’ Her voice a curious mix of ice and heat as she spat out his name.
‘For two weeks you’ve known I had no claim to the throne and what did you do?
Instead of telling me, you pushed me away, saying I should spend more time away from the palace.
What was the plan? To gradually edge me out?
Isolate me then divorce me? Well, don’t bother.
I’ll divorce you and renounce my claim to the throne. ’
Lena surged to her feet only to halt, swaying as if unsteady. Benedikt was at her side in a moment, grasping her arm and turning her to face him.
Despite her fiery words her face told another story and it broke his heart. Her chin crumpled, her mouth quivered as she blinked. ‘Let me go. I want to be alone.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
He loosened his grip so she could step away if she wanted. She didn’t move and hope leapt.
‘You’re right. I should have told you about that email immediately. I tried to bury it, hoping it would go away.’
‘Go away?’ Her glittering green gaze, sharp as a faceted emerald, snared his. ‘Don’t you mean hide it until the time was right to push me away fully?’ Her face pinched. ‘It doesn’t matter. I know the truth and that you want—’
‘You don’t know what I want!’
He tugged her to him, bodies colliding, and felt some of his impossible tension ease. This was where he needed her. He wrapped his arms around her, feeling a hit of satisfaction when she didn’t pull free.
‘I was never going to push you away, Lena. I don’t want you going anywhere.’
His heart curled over on itself as she angled her chin up in a gesture of defiance, belied by the misery on her face. Her gallantry, her fighting spirit as she tried to hide hurt, made everything he felt for her well up.
‘You expect me to believe that, when you hid something so vital from me? I was idiot enough to believe we trusted each other but I was wrong.’
He stroked his hands up her arms. ‘I didn’t tell you about the email because I wanted to protect you. I double-checked and that clause doesn’t delegitimise your position as joint ruler.’
‘But it means I could never have ruled alone. I was never a danger to your authority. The whole basis of this farcical marriage no longer exists.’
Benedikt winced. She couldn’t really think their marriage farcical. His heart thudded faster. ‘I don’t care about that, Lena.’
‘You say that, yet you’ve done everything you could to encourage me back to scientific work.’
‘Because I thought that made you happy!’ He paused when he heard his voice grow strident. He leaned closer. ‘I want you happy in this marriage. I want you to feel fulfilled. I know how much botany means to you. I was afraid you’d grow to resent a life spent focused only on regal obligations.’
Her eyes widened, doubt glimmering.
‘It doesn’t matter now what some fusty old document says. We’re married and I want us to stay that way.’ He dragged in a deep breath, chest rising against hers as he struggled to find words for what he felt. ‘What we’ve shared has changed everything. It’s changed me .’
‘You don’t want to rule alone?’
Her hands had crept to his upper arms. Was that a good sign or did she just need support?
‘No, I don’t, but this isn’t about the crown—’
‘It’s all about the crown. It always has been.’
‘Not any more.’ Benedikt gathered her closer, fitting her snug against him.
‘This is about us . I said I’d changed and I meant it.
What I feel for you, Lena, it’s taken over everything.
It’s bigger than duty or Prinzenberg. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness.
’ To his amazement his voice wobbled. ‘You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.
You give me perspective and happiness. For the first time I feel like my life, our life, could be about joy and fulfilment, not just obligation and work. I want to make you happy.’
Gentle hands cupped his face, wondering eyes holding his. ‘Why didn’t you say anything if you felt that way?’
‘You doubt me?’ His shoulders lifted. ‘I shouldn’t be surprised. I doubted myself. I told you about my upbringing. I’ve always had trouble trusting, much less forming meaningful relationships. I told you love wasn’t on the agenda.’
‘Love!’
‘Yes, love.’ He drew a sustaining breath but found he didn’t need it.
The truth wasn’t such a challenge after all.
‘I love you, Lena. I want to spend my life with you and that’s got nothing to do with the crown.
I should have told you about the email but I was afraid you’d fret about being here under false pretences or… ’
‘Or what?’ He couldn’t read her expression.
‘Use it as an excuse to leave me.’
He hadn’t admitted that even to himself before this moment.
It made him realise that once again he’d manipulated things to get what he wanted, hiding what Lena deserved to know.
He’d talked about trusting her but he’d still tried to take control for his own selfish ends.
Horrified, he dropped his arms and stepped back.
But Lena followed, closing the gap so they were toe to toe. ‘ That’s what you thought?’
He swallowed. ‘I didn’t know.’ Had he blown his chance of happiness, proving himself unable to relinquish control and trust her?
The thought sickened him. ‘I thought you were happy, I hoped so. That means everything to me.’ He shook his head.
‘But you’re right. I owed you the truth.
I convinced myself that document didn’t matter because it didn’t affect what we have now.
It was a convenient lie because I wasn’t sure you felt the same way about me. ’
‘Hiding an explosive secret like that,’ she murmured. ‘That’s extreme. I would have found out some time.’
‘I wasn’t thinking clearly.’
‘I know the feeling.’ To his amazement she placed her palm on his chest. He felt it like a brand, the way she’d branded his heart as hers.
‘I know the feeling exactly.’ Her voice dropped.
‘That’s why I was so upset, because I’m in love with you, Benno, and I thought you wanted to get rid of me.
I decided to pre-empt you and go straight away. ’
His heart gave a mighty jolt as she called him Benno. As if he really was forgiven. He covered her hand with both of his. ‘You love me?’ The sick feeling in the pit of his belly disappeared, replaced by warmth. ‘How can you after what I did? I should have been honest with you.’
‘You’re not the only one. We should have talked more about our feelings, but I was too scared.’ A soft smile trembled on her lips. ‘Do you really—?’
‘I really love you.’ Just saying the words made him feel ten feet tall. ‘I never believed I could feel anything as glorious as this. I was an idiot and I was scared. I could say I thought it was too soon to tell you how I felt but it was fear that held me back.’
She nodded and lifted his hands to her mouth, pressing kisses across his knuckles, making his heart melt as his fingers curled around hers. ‘I was the same. I never expected to feel this way.’
Benedikt drew in a shaky breath. He felt as if he’d swallowed the sun, as if she’d given him the moon and the stars. But all he wanted was her, his precious Lena.
His voice was as serious as when he’d made his vows in the cathedral. ‘I promise to be completely honest with you, my love, including about my feelings.’
‘And I promise to be completely honest with you, my darling husband, especially about my feelings.’
For a moment they stood solemn and still, eyes locked on each other. Then Benedikt drew her towards the sofa.
‘In the interests of complete honesty,’ he murmured, ‘I need to be upfront about my intentions.’
‘Intentions?’ The glimmer in her eyes made his breath hitch. ‘Tell me more.’
Benedikt sat down and pulled her onto his lap. As she settled, warm and soft in his embrace, eyes turned to his, he knew this was going to be all right. More than all right, it was going to be perfect.
‘We did this the wrong way around. We married but had no courtship. I intend to rectify that, starting now.’
‘You’re going to court me? I like the sound of that.’
He nuzzled the base of her neck, drawing in the scent of flowers and Lena. ‘Good. I need to do this thoroughly. It could take months.’
Her chuckle was liquid sunshine as she put his hand to her breast. ‘Definitely, my darling. Maybe even years.’
Her darling.
His heart had never felt so full. And this was only the first day of the rest of their lives together.