MARLOW #2
I sit on my bed with a sullen expression, moving my pillows from place to place.
I always avoid arranging them in any particular way so people won’t laugh at me, and I definitely don’t try to make a nest out of them, because they would see it as sacrilege against omegas.
After all, only omegas are allowed to nest, alphas don’t have that right.
But right now, digging through them and burrowing into them gives me a small sense of release for my irritation.
Rupert, on the other hand, seems genuinely excited. First he spends forever in the shower, then he stands in front of the mirror styling his hair with gel. I watch him for a moment, and a thought suddenly crosses my mind. What if I told him I've had enough of this program?
That I'm either leaving or requesting a different vector because it's painfully obvious nothing interesting is ever going to happen between us?
Rupert keeps treating me like a brother.
And it's not like I was opposed to sex at the start. For the first few days, I actually took thorough showers every evening, expecting him to initiate something: I don't know, sit on my bed and try to kiss me or make out.
And sex definitely interests me. I've always had a pretty healthy attitude toward it, though I've had far less of it than I'd have liked.
The problem is that I had this idealistic belief that I'd only sleep with someone I genuinely liked, someone who was actually my boyfriend.
That turned out to be a lot harder than I expected. Plenty of guys wanted to fuck me, but only as a one-time thing. Alphas rarely want to admit they're attracted to another alpha, which meant I could only ever be the side piece.
And I didn't want that. So there was disappointment after disappointment.
The first guy I ever fell in love with was a baseball player.
A mountain of muscle and bone, ridiculously attractive.
For a while we had something that almost felt like a real relationship.
Back then I still agreed to keeping everything hidden because I thought it was just a temporary phase.
I believed that eventually he'd tell people about me. He never did.
The sex was great. Sometimes he'd even make these jokes that sounded suspiciously like declarations of love, and every single one of them made me ready to walk through fire for him. But they weren't real. It was only his way of keeping me around.
Then, at the end of the school year, he told me we were going our separate ways. And that was it.
Later, during college, I had two more relationships.
Both followed the exact same pattern. Everything started in secret, and eventually I got tired of pretending we didn't know each other on campus.
I got sick of them refusing to even hold my hand.
I'd had enough of hearing them dodge questions whenever someone asked whether there was something between us.
So both of those relationships ended too.
And again, the sex was good. I've always had a strong libido, and I enjoyed the physical pleasure it gave me.
But eventually I couldn't keep doing it.
The emotional cost was too high. Pouring that much of myself into someone, only for them to be ashamed of me, to pretend they didn't know me, or to act like I was just some friend, was killing me.
I was an alpha, and they could only be seen publicly with omegas. Their families wanted them to find one and have kids, so I wasn’t a viable choice.
All my hopes and plans were slowly fading.
The picture of me in a loving relationship began to dissipate, along with my dreams of living in a small suburban house surrounded by flowers, running my own veterinary practice, raising a bunch of kids, and enjoying a peaceful family life with someone who loved me as I was.
None of it ever came true.
The constant disappointments, little by little, started killing my belief that my story would ever have a happy ending. That was my past, which led to a day when I wanted to erase myself from the face of the Earth.
Maybe now I’m in need of a radical change, a new approach. Perhaps a new type of guy? One with half of his face purple-red…
Wait, what?
Rupert's voice pulls me from my thoughts.
"You ready?"
I nod with a crooked grimace, and the two of us leave the room.
Pedro's birthday is being held in the same club where karaoke takes place. This time, though, the staff have brought in tables covered with snacks and decorations. They're clearly trying to create a pleasant atmosphere, which I probably should appreciate.
I glance around at the other couples. Some are sitting close together, some have their arms around each other, and others are openly showing affection. Rupert does none of that.
Of course, Pedro decides his birthday is the perfect opportunity to show off his questionable singing skills, which aren't even remotely on Juan and Timmy's level. He starts belting out another song, and I sit there staring at him while the same thought keeps running through my head.
What the fuck am I doing here? This isn't my place.
Part of me wants to end it all again. Seriously.
I've tried different methods before. Razors. Pills. One time I even jumped off a tall building. The problem was that my survival instinct kicked in at the last second. I shifted midair and landed on all fours.
I can't even kill myself properly! Maybe cats really do have nine lives?
Frowning, I stand and tell Rupert I need some fresh air. Not even waiting for his answer, I pull on my jacket and head outside. I walk quickly to the elevator, ride up, pass the reception desk, then the security booth staffed by alphas.
Yeah, I extended the car rental. I'd figured it might still come in handy.
I get in and start driving with no destination in mind, just moving forward. Running, or just trying how it feels.
Even though it's already six in the evening, the sun is still shining warmly across the forest. Unfortunately, I don't have much time. The next pheromone session starts at seven, and I need to be back before then.
Meanwhile, my soul feels like it's collapsing in on itself, dark clouds gathering somewhere along the horizon of my future. I desperately need to clear my head. Damn, I need to make a decision about leaving the program.
The problem is that every time I try, Fenn Drax's face appears in my mind.
What could this be about?
This guy isn't in this program to romance him! To have a thing with him!
That's what the other participants are for, so why do I keep stubbornly coming back to that thought?
I'd like to just talk to him, spend time with him, keep him company. It's strange. I barely know him, but…
I close my eyes.
Then immediately open them again.
Yeah, terrible idea while driving.
As ridiculous as it sounds, Fenn is currently the only reason, the absolute only reason, I haven't gone to Dr. Lee and withdrawn from this whole mess.
I’m almost at Rainbow Spring when I spot something blocking the road. A procession of people dressed in dark clothing. I slow down because the lane is narrow enough that trying to squeeze past them feels like a terrible idea. Then it hits me. It's a funeral procession.
Oh, fuck. What a perfect way to improve my mood while I'm contemplating the value of my own existence. The universe really has a sense of humor.
I creep forward for a while, wondering whether it's worth waiting for them to pass. I don't even know where the local cemetery is. Eventually, the entire group turns onto a smaller side road leading toward a gentle hill. At the top sits a fenced cemetery.
For reasons I can't entirely explain, I pull over, get out of the car, and join the procession.
If I'm going to torture myself, I might as well commit to it.
I notice several people at the front who are clearly crying, probably family members.
Behind them is a fairly large crowd. What catches my attention, though, is the number of animals.
A lot of people are walking dogs on leashes.
Several are carrying cats in carriers. Two people have parrots.
One guy is carrying a snake draped over his shoulders.
What the hell?
It’s kinda interesting.
Eventually, I work up the courage to ask one of the people near the back, an older omega leaning on a cane.
"Why are there so many animals here? Is this some kind of pet cemetery?"
The omega raises his eyebrows, looking surprised and mildly amused.
"Of course not. What are you talking about? We're saying goodbye to our veterinarian, Doctor Kazan."
My eyes widen.
Well, another unexpected thing.
"Wow," I mutter. "Funny. I'm a veterinarian too."
Then, trying to politely end the conversation, I add, "Events like this definitely make a person reflect on their own life."
The older man purses his lips and scratches his chin.
"A vet? Really? Because I've been trying to figure out what to do about my Peaches.
I think she's pregnant, and something seems wrong.
Doctor Kazan never got the chance to see her, and I have a feeling something isn't right.
She's acting differently than she did during her previous litters.
I can't decide whether I should drive her somewhere or if I'm just worrying too much.
The nearest veterinarian is forty miles away. "
I bite my lip. I didn't come here to fulfill my dream of being a veterinarian. I came here chasing a very different dream. Still, it's not like I don't want to practice someday. That's part of my dream too, even if it's been pushed into the background lately.
The omega shifts slightly closer. "I didn't know there was another veterinarian around here."
I clear my throat. "I live about seven miles from Rainbow Spring."
"Oh, that's practically next door. Listen…" He lowers his voice. "I'll pay you. A lot. Could you come by tomorrow? I’m Davos, and I live at Raspberry Hill."
I stay silent, chewing on my lip.
He leans in a little more. "Please. I'd really like someone to take a look at Peaches."