Chapter 16 – Journey
JOURNEY
The three of us stand at the top of the building. We’d had one moment of panic, when we went into Celaeno’s room and couldn’t find her. But now we knew she was safe.
And I think our response to not finding her had scared all of us.
I don’t think a single one of us was worried she’d ran away. I think we’d been scared the gargoyles had come back and taken her from us. None of us had said it, but our terror was clear.
“She’s our enemy,” Grey says, his voice lacking its usual harshness.
I gave my word to keep my secrets to myself. But it seems my secret grow more significant with each moment that passes. A gargoyle’s word is his pride. If I don’t keep mine, then what kind of man am I? But then, how can I look at my Brotherhood and lie?
“What if she isn’t?” My voice is soft, but I know they both heard me.
Grey looks at me, his expression unreadable. “The line between monsters and the rest of us is clear. There’s no grey area. It’s black and white. It’s always been that way, and it’ll always be that way.”
“How do you know that?” I press him.
His gaze narrows. “Is there something you know that you aren’t telling us?”
I take a deep breath. Time seems to stand still. “No. But surely we’ve lived long enough to know that nothing is that simple?”
Ender runs his hands through his hair in an agitated way. “Fuck it. I’m saying it. I’ve run into Aglaope before. And she helped me then. It made me question this whole them and us thing. And now with Celaeno… well, I have to say, I’m not sure everything is all that cut and dry after all.”
“We were given a task.” Grey has the slightest note of pleading in his voice. “We can’t question the Elites. This was the mission we were given. And if we don’t do it, someone else will. Someone that might not be as gentle with her.”
“So we just keep going, knowing we’ll kill her?” I ask.
He gives a sharp nod. “Nothing has changed.”
Anger races through me. I shift into my gargoyle-form and leap into the air. Ender calls after me, but I ignore him. How can I possibly keep my word and get them to understand?
Is there even a way?
I search my thoughts, but no solution comes. And so, I fly. I fly over the city. I fly over the coastline. I fly until exhaustion tugs at my thoughts, and then and only then do I return.
But instead of going to my room, I land lightly on Celaeno’s balcony.
Soundlessly I shift back into my human-form and walk through her balcony doors. A slight breeze tugs at her white curtains. I enter the room like a ghost, moving to her as if this moment has always been inevitable.
Standing over her, I’m both disappointed and relieved to find her asleep. Her dark eyelashes dusting her pale flesh. A trail of tears just barely illuminated beneath the moon’s light.
I swear that no matter how long I live I’ll never see a female as beautiful as this one. Somehow this tiny woman has made her way into my heart, and I can’t see a way of getting myself free of her.
There’s a strange kind of misery that comes with seeing a woman I could love, that I could have a future with, and knowing that it’ll never be.
That my knowledge about the female monsters can’t overcome my Brother’s prejudice against her.
And that the only woman we can be with is a woman we can all love.
But still, I lean closer. If she opened her eyes right now, I know what would happen.
I know that we’d make love, and that every promise and every bit of loyalty I have in this world would fade away beneath her loving touch.
That I’d give up everything, even my Brothers, for the kind of love I know this woman can give me.
Yet, she doesn’t open her eyes. She sleeps peacefully. And when I go to leave, I can’t help but look back, wondering what could have been. And wondering if perhaps in the morning our futures will be a little less bleak.