Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
My father’s words were a sucker punch and for a moment I was speechless. “How? I mean…I don’t understand how the cadets can be dead?”
He pressed his lips together and exhaled through his nostrils. “The test is the serum. It allows the sweepers to wield the blades provided by the celestials.”
“I thought the tattoos did that.”
He shook his head. “The runes are useless without the serum to activate them, but not everyone survives taking it.”
I knew about the serum. I’d seen Jamie take it a few times, but no one had said anything about it potentially being lethal, which meant… “They don’t know, do they? The cadets don’t know the risk?”
He made a sound of impatience. “Of course they don’t. Do you think half as many would apply for sweeper if they knew the serum could kill them?” He looked toward the windows. “Even those who survive are dying faster than they should.”
“What do you mean?”
“The serum is…potent. Too much for our fragile human bodies. Their organs are affected.”
Was this why sweepers were given monthly physicals?
Shit, this was why he’d blocked my applications. Realization dawned and my chest grew tight. “You were protecting me.”
His shoulders slumped. “I couldn’t tell you the truth. You were too young to understand the need for subterfuge. But now that you’ve seen what’s out there… You’ve survived it. You’ve seen what a sweeper does, and you can understand why no one can know the truth about the serum.”
The weight of the secret pressed down on me. White lies were one thing, but this…this was huge. This was life-changing. Part of me wished Dad had kept it to himself.
“You know that if this information gets out, it could ruin us,” Dad said. “If cadets stop applying for sweeper, we’ll be left defenseless.”
A few years ago, I’d have argued with him. Demanded we find another way. But there was no other way. He was right.
There were children at the base. Our future was within these walls, and we needed to protect it, whatever the cost.
This base was our sanctuary, and although the wall kept us safe, it was the sweepers who made sure the land around us was clear of threats to allow for the monthly supply runs. They kept the trade routes clear. We’d be fucked without them. Without the serum…
My shoulders slumped. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“Not even Bee, Rue. Promise me.”
God, keeping this from Bee would be the hardest. “I signed the agreement, Dad. I know what that means.”
He sucked in a breath and the ghost of a smile played on his lips. “It’s been a long time since you called me Dad.”
Guilt gnawed at my belly. “I’m sorry.”
His throat bobbed. “Don’t be, I can’t expect you to call me Dad when I’ve done nothing to deserve it.”
But he had. He’d saved my life without me knowing. “Maybe…maybe things can be different now.”
He nodded stiffly. “Maybe.”
I’d lost two good people today, but I’d found my dad again. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
I was no stranger to death. I’d seen plenty of it in my twenty-two years. Jarrod wasn’t the first person I’d had to kill to end his pain. Protocol was clear, and everyone agreed a bullet was better than being eaten alive.
Still, it never got easier, and knowing that it could have been prevented if someone had done their job right made the loss harder to swallow.
Back in my quarters, with the tepid shower water beating at my skin, the horror of the last few hours hit home hard.
I stood, hands braced on the tiles, and let the water wash the grief off my cheeks and down the plug hole. The faces of those lost would remain in our minds forever, but we couldn’t let them haunt us or we’d go crazy. I’d learned a long time ago not to let it consume me.
A face came to mind, a crooked smile that had made my heart go crazy. Liam…I squeezed my eyes shut to banish him. He was gone, after all.
I dried off, pulled on an oversized tee, not bothering with underwear, and headed into the lounge I shared with Bee.
The room was empty, and the sound of fucking drifted out from under her bedroom door.
Ryan, her long-time beau, was obviously over.
Good, he’d stop her from dwelling on what had happened, and it left me free to find my own distraction.
I slipped my feet into slippers and headed out of our quarters and across the hall.
Jamie didn’t show any surprise at finding me on his doorstep. He let me in, stepping away and putting distance between us.
I kicked the door shut and frowned up at him. “We’re alone now, Jamie.”
His gaze tracked down my body, lingering on my bare legs and then traveling back up to lock with mine. “We can’t keep doing this, Rue.” His voice held an aching, throbbing quality.
Need.
Desire.
I felt it in the pit of my stomach and liked it. I liked the way I could make him feel. The way his eyes darkened when he looked at me, the way his breath quickened when we were alone like this.
My body echoed his, pulse quickening with the knowledge of what we were about to do, what I was about to let him do to me.
I took a step closer, and he held his ground, watching me, waiting for me to make the first move.
I always had to make the first move, but then…then he would take over and fuck…it would be so good.
I placed my palms on his chest and dragged them down to the hem of his tee before running my fingers back and forth against the waistband of his sweats so my fingertips caressed the bare skin beneath.
He was in his prime. Powerful, with velvet skin that tasted like honey. I’d spent hours sampling every delectable inch.
“Rue…” He sounded pained, and my heart squeezed.
No…no emotion, just sensation.
I tipped my head to look up at him. “Jamie, it’s been a shit day and I need you to make it better.” I slipped my hand down his pants, finding him hot and hard for me. “Please fuck me.”
He let out a soft growl, his control snapping, and pushed me up against the wall. Our gazes locked, heated with need and understanding.
He nudged my nose with his, asking permission even though I’d already given it. I tipped my chin up, offering him my mouth. He allowed his lips to hover above mine for a moment, as if undecided, as if he could walk away from this, from us, but it was a tease that didn’t last.
We kissed, angry and desperate, hungry for oblivion, hands plucking and tearing at fabric until we were skin to skin and I was pressed to the wall, legs around his waist, slick and ready.
He paused then, his cock nudging my entrance, parted lips molded to mine. This was the moment, the cliff edge, the sweet fucking anticipation of invasion.
I made an involuntary sound in the back of my throat, a plea, a command. He acted, moaning into my mouth as he sank into me, deep and satisfying. I closed my eyes, digging my fingers into his shoulders as he fucked away the horror of the outside world.
I lay naked on Jamie’s bed, watching his back muscles ripple as he dressed. He was a truly beautiful specimen of male, and he knew how to make my body come to life. Sex with Jamie was therapeutic. Sex with Jamie made me feel safe.
He flipped open the lid of a velvet box and retrieved a vial and an injection gun.
I tensed, words of warning forming on my lips. I clenched my fists, biting them back, and watched him inject himself with poison. Poison that allowed him to keep us safe, poison I knew in my gut he’d take even if he knew the cost because it was who he was. Self-sacrificing, noble. A man of honor.
Still, my gut twisted and my breathing quickened because I was allowing him to hurt himself. To slowly kill himself. Panic bloomed inside me along with the conviction that I couldn’t lose him. I had to—
“You should go, Rue,” he said softly.
I sat up, not sure I’d heard him right. “What?”
He sighed and turned to face me, dragging a hand over his face. “Fucking get dressed, woman, please.”
Shit, I had heard him right. “Jamie…what? Really?”
His mouth wanted to smile but failed, and the regret in his eyes acted like a bucket of ice-cold water. I’d been naked for a while, but now I truly felt it.
I pulled the sheets around me like a shield. “Jamie, what the fuck is going on?”
He stood hands on hips, head bowed for a long beat, before padding over to the bed and lowering himself beside me. He reached up to trace the curve of my cheek with his fingertip. “I’m in love with you, Rue.”
My heart seemed to stop, and when it started it thundered in my chest, sending heat to my extremities.
No. I didn’t want this.
I couldn’t do this.
It was meant to be fun. Sex. Just friends with benefits, not feelings. I couldn’t do the feelings. Not again.
He studied my face, watching the play of emotion, reading me like a book. The light in his eyes dimmed, and he reached up to cup my cheek.
“It’s okay, Rue. It’s okay.”
My eyes welled. “Jamie, I…” I didn’t have the words.
“But this is too painful for me now, do you understand?”
My chest ached as a chasm opened inside me, but I nodded, dislodging tears, guilt clawing at my chest, because fuck, I’d been selfish. I’d suspected his feelings and I’d ignored them because to acknowledge them would mean having to end this.
I didn’t want to end this.
But now I had no choice.
He exhaled through his nose, then leaned in to kiss my forehead. “I’m going to need some time to get over you.”
My gut churned, words of protest burning on my tongue, but what could I say? Stay with me even though I can’t love you. Stay because I need you? I couldn’t be that selfish; it wasn’t in me.
“Rue?”
I nodded again. “I understand, Jamie.”
“Good, so if I don’t come over and chat to you, if I’m not there as much, it’s because of that.”
My throat pinched. Fuck, this was hard. “I’m gonna miss you.”
“I’m gonna miss you too, but it will be okay in time.” He stepped back and headed for the bathroom. “Goodbye, Rue.”
The door closed behind him, and I broke, sobbing into the sheets for the pain I’d caused this wonderful man, simply because I was too broken to love him back.