18. Sarah
Navigating Doubts
I sit in the bustling theater with Timmy perched beside me, nearly bouncing excitedly.
The auditorium is overflowing with children and their gleeful chatter, the air thick with the buttery scent of popcorn and the occasional rustle of candy wrappers.
Grandparents and parents fill the rows, eagerly awaiting the new cartoon action movie that has every child”s imagination running wild. Timmy has a giant Coca-Cola in his cup holder and a big bag of popcorn on his lap, devouring it as the opening trailers flash across the screen.
While the vibrant previews enthrall Timmy, my mind can’t seem to escape a loop of negative thoughts about last night. Tyler got under my skin with his behavior. All I did was mention that I had dinner covered, and he blew up, seeming to take it as an insult or challenge. His insistence on turning it into a petty squabble left me wondering what I could have said to set him off like that.
It”s not like Tyler to be so argumentative over something so trivial. As Timmy crunches away happily, seemingly oblivious to anything but the screen, I scrutinize every second of that conversation. Tyler”s face, contorted in frustration, keeps flashing in my memory. What if this outburst wasn”t really about dinner? Is there something else weighing on him that I’m not seeing?
Part of me feels for him, battling whatever inner demons have made him irritable. But another part of me—a guiltier part—relishes this brief respite from our tensions. With Timmy”s innocent laughter echoing in my ears, I can focus on being the fun, carefree chaperone he likes spending time with... without the cloud of my and Tyler’s issues hovering above us.
Yet here I am, feeling almost traitorous for enjoying this moment of peace away from the deepening strain Tyler’s presence has brought lately. His anger last night, irrational as it was, hints at a more profound disquiet, something festering beneath the surface that I”m unsure how to address.
Hopefully, he will address the issue at the next therapy session or bring it up today to discuss it.
Timmy’s animated voice snaps me back to the present moment, though the weight of my thoughts continues to pull me under. It’s hard to shake off the unease from last night”s argument with Tyler. The more I think about it, the more unsettled I feel. Tyler”s inexplicable frustration over something as trivial as dinner gnaws at me, leaving a bitter taste.
I can”t help but feel annoyed at the underlying notion that Tyler doesn”t like it when I take charge of things myself. His reaction made it painfully clear that my independence might be a trigger for him. For a moment, I tried to remind myself that his offer to bring dinner was a sweet gesture, and maybe he just misinterpreted my response. But how he completely dismissed my assurance that I had dinner covered left me baffled and slightly angry.
Part of me wanted to believe he was just stressed about something else, and my comment accidentally hit a nerve. But another part of me, the part that”s getting harder to ignore, questions if this will become a recurring pattern with Tyler. That thought turns my stomach. I can”t imagine being with someone for the long haul who constantly overrides my decisions. It feels controlling.
As I watch Timmy engrossed in the movie, I suppress a sigh. My mind drifts back to the intensity in Tyler”s eyes, his tone brimming with unspoken tension. What if this behavior is just the beginning? If he can”t handle something as simple as me having dinner sorted, what happens when more significant issues arise? Will he always react this way, looking for a fight over my attempts to manage my life?
It”s not like I want to shut him out, but as my thoughts swirl, the idea of a future where I”m constantly second-guessing myself because of how Tyler might react is terrifying. I cherish my independence, and the notion of having it eroded bit by bit by someone who should be my partner in freedom feels like a slow suffocation.
Maybe we can reach a middle ground and communicate better without these misunderstandings spiraling into conflict. But my faith in that possibility wavers as I recall his harsh words and dismissive attitude.
Timmy shrieks in delight as something spectacular happens on screen, pulling me from my spiraling thoughts. I shoot him a quick smile, trying to hold onto this moment of peace a little longer before the looming conversation with Tyler dominates my mind again.
Timmy’s hand brushes mine as he digs in the popcorn, snapping me back to the present. His eyes are wide and sparkling with joy, and I can’t help but smile at him. Despite the turmoil raging within me, there”s a flicker of clarity.
Being with Timmy right now, sharing in his pure, untainted excitement, is precisely where I need to be. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure out a way to help Tyler fight his battles without losing myself in the process.
Hours later, I returned a hyper and excited Timmy home, and he burst into the house in search of Mrs. Carolyn, who he found sitting in the living room watching soap operas.
“Mrs. Carolyn! Guess what? The movie was so awesome! And after that, Sarah took me for pizza and ice cream!” Timmy”s voice echoes through the house, a delightful change to the tension I”ve felt regarding Tyler.
Mrs. Carolyn looks up, a warm smile spreading across her face. “Did she now? Sounds like you had quite the adventure, Timmy. Come, tell me all about it!”
As Timmy animatedly narrates his day, Tyler walks into the living room. He sees me, and I can see hesitation in his eyes.
“Sarah, can we talk in private for a moment?” he asks.
I nod, feeling a flutter of anxiety. “Sure, Tyler.”
Mrs. Carolyn engages Timmy further, asking him about his favorite parts of the movie as Tyler leads me out to the backyard. We sit on the patio, the cool evening breeze brushing against our skin.
“Listen, Sarah,” Tyler begins, his voice soft yet strained. “I want to apologize for my behavior last night. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”
I relax slightly, appreciating the effort he”s making. “I understand, Tyler. But I only wanted to make things easier for you when you offered to bring me dinner. You”d had rehab practice at the ranch with Bill, and I thought you might value some time with Timmy last night.”
“But you don’t get it,” he snaps, his composure breaking. “I feel slighted because I only wanted to bring you dinner. Are you saying my efforts aren’t good enough?”
I take a deep breath, trying to keep my voice level. “Tyler, I never implied that. I truly appreciate the gesture. I just wanted you to focus on having some downtime and relaxation.”
“Relax?” he retorts, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “Maybe my rehabilitation for my injury or being a single father is turning you off. Is that it?”
I feel my frustration rising. “Tyler, don’t put words in my mouth! I never said anything like that. Why do you always assume the worst?”
“Because it feels like you’re always trying to manage everything – including me! It’s like you don’t think I can handle anything alone. I don”t mind you being my therapist at the office, but I expect you to be my woman outside of that!” His voice raises, anger boiling just beneath the surface.
“That”s not true!” I exclaim, shaking my head. “I know you’re capable, but that doesn’t mean you must do it alone. Can’t you see I’m just trying to support you?”
He runs a hand through his hair, sighing heavily. “I just... it’s hard. Sometimes, I feel like you’re more of a crutch than a partner.”
His words hit me like a physical blow. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Tyler. But this isn’t just about you. I also need to express my independence without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. I wouldn”t say I like feeling micromanaged or controlled. I appreciate you thinking of me enough to bring my dinner, but I want you to respect me when I say I have things under control.”
He looks down as if he’s struggling to find the right words. “Maybe there’s a middle ground we can find. I don’t want to fight with you, Sarah. I”m fighting with myself enough, perhaps taking it out on you. I feel less of a man with this injury, and if you don”t think of me that way, I shouldn”t treat you as if you do.”
I reach out, touching his arm gently. “Me too, Tyler. We must talk openly without jumping to conclusions about each other’s intentions. Communication is key.”
He nods, a trace of a smile forming on his lips. “You’re right. I guess we both have some learning to do.”
Relief sweeps through me like Vitamin D entering my veins from things becoming resolved between us. Silence engulfs us for a bit while we relish in the tension slowly melting away.
”I also believe I need to pick back up with therapy. It”s obvious that I have some emotional issues that I need to get off my chest and talk through rather than keep it bottled in to attack you with.”
”We can go back to doing therapy once a week, even during weeks you feel well enough that you don”t think you need it. Not all sessions have to be marred with negative thoughts or worries. You can also talk about positive things in therapy as well.”
”Is that so, Dr. Marlene?” He flirts with me, as a flash of heat graces my cheeks from blushing. I lean in to peck his lips in happiness, making up for our fight.
”Yes, that is so. I want you to understand that you can always come to me, regardless of your feelings. Whether it”s during therapy or outside of it, I want you to remember that I am here for you.”
”I know...” He nods his head as shame flashes across his face. ”I just feel so awful about last night. I”ve never felt this way about someone before, and I guess that is when you think about doing thoughtful things for people who aren”t your family or fans. It”s a different feeling. Especially when it involves a romantic partner.”
I grab his hand to hold in mine because I can tell he”s still beating himself up. He upset me greatly yesterday, but he”s already apologized and held himself accountable. That”s the most important thing when someone is self-aware of themselves - to own up to something they did, said, or the way they”ve behaved.
”Tyler, it”s fine. We must remember that communication is key to this foundation and the future we”re building together. No one is perfect. Everyone has a bad day, and yesterday just happened to be yours. I”m here with you now, saying I understand and forgive you. But it”s also important that we talk this out so that this doesn”t become normal in our relationship. What is the root of your anger from last night?”
Tyler hesitates before sighing heavily.
”I just feel pushed aside. Like I”m not even good enough to bring you dinner. I know I had a full day between rehab and practice, which had me at the ranch all day. But I wanted to see you and bring you dinner to spend five minutes with you before heading home. My body and mind took a beating yesterday, and I just wanted to seek comfort from seeing your face. Being in your presence.”
My heart lifts like a rollercoaster, about to go over the hump and go down the track at full speed at his words. Such sweet words made me feel even guiltier about my behavior last night. I should have pushed more to get him to open up to me once I realized how upset he started to get. I did feel that I had been patient, but maybe not as patient as I would have liked.
”And I”m sorry about that. I wasn”t pushing you away or anything. I had been well aware of your day and how long and grueling it must have been. I only wanted you to head home to relax and spend time with Timmy. To unwind from the long day you had.”
”And I would have after seeing you. But... I don”t know... Last night made me feel like you threw your independence in my face. Taking a stance that you can handle yourself and don”t need anyone for anything.”
I lower my head and feel down for a minute. It”s the same thing my brother used to get on me about when I first moved here. He kept running to my house to help me move in, get situated, etc. I kept telling him I would be fine, but he became upset one day and told me it was okay to accept help when offered.
I told him I”m not used to people helping unless it involves having staff for my practice, and he chastised me for not thinking about myself outside of work. If Tyler feels the same way, I may have a firm grip on thinking I can only care for myself.
”I”m sorry for making you feel that way. Sometimes, how you are raised or live your life becomes a part of you. My grandparents raised me to be independent and not depend on anyone for anything. As a woman, it”s easy for some men to expect something from you if you let them do something for you. Plus, I learned it”s better to do things yourself because depending on others can let you down.”
”I get that. Trust me, I do. But you must understand that you have someone who wants to help make your life easier. To help shoulder your burdens, problems, and any hindrances you believe you have. You always say that you and I are a team, but I want that to mean the same thing when it comes to you as well, not just when it comes to me.”
I feel myself growing emotional while nodding my head because he”s right. If anything, I”ve been hypocritical because I always preach to him that he needs to let me in and always confide in me. He has to be okay with someone being there by his side while he feels pushed away when he tries to do the same with me.
”I guess it”s something I never imagined working on within myself. It”s like when something becomes routine, or you get so set in your ways that it”s just naturally a part of you. When it comes to you, Timmy, and even Mrs. Carolyn, I need to understand better that it”s not just me anymore. I think I always felt like that, even with my brother, because he has his own family, and I felt I could fend for myself. But you three? You”re like my family now, and I should learn to embrace that more.”
Tyler wraps an arm around my shoulder to pull me into him before kissing me on my head.
”That”s all I can ever ask for, Sarah. Just try to be more accepting that things have changed in your life. It”s not just you anymore. Know that you have us now.”