Chapter 9 Indigo
NINE
INDIGO
It’d been three days since I'd watched Riven transform from a wolf into a man.
I’d hardly slept ‘cause whenever I closed my eyes, images of a werewolf sinking his fangs into my flesh filled my head.
Standing by the window drinking coffee, I peered through the trees, half expecting to see the lodge staff transform into wolves. But there was no one about, just a lot of snow.
This cabin was smaller than the one I'd shared with Riven, not that it mattered. But everything was in its right place. There were no books on the sofa or shoes by the door. I was drinking instant coffee rather than using the percolator because this wasn’t home as I’d thought of the original cabin.
Moving to the desk, I ran my fingers over the books Antonia had given me.
Some of the tomes were ones I’d seen in the library, and I’d already flicked through a few.
While Riven had said his kind weren’t cursed, it was reassuring to discover they weren’t werewolves and people were born a shifter, not transformed by a bite.
I read and reread a paragraph that stated shifters had lived alongside humans for centuries. I had to rethink every experience, from kindergarten to school and college, wondering who was a shifter. But the hours of reading hurt my eyes, and I pushed my chair back.
The phone rang, and though I wanted to ignore it, only two people had this number. It was Agent Fairbanks. I had to return to the city for the trial.
Knowing that I didn’t want to venture back to the dining room after seeing Riven on Christmas Day, Antonia brought me my lunch. “He's asking about you.”
I ignored that. What was I supposed to say? I didn’t have the words to describe my turmoil, and I wasn’t about to unload on her. But I did have a question. Lots of them, but one that was more important than the others.
“What is the mate bond?”
“It’s the moment a shifter identifies their mate. It’s instant, and it happens the first time they scent them.”
“So the couple don’t get a choice?” I refused to accept that the universe was telling me who to share my life with. There’d be no arranged marriage or relationship for me.
“Both the alpha and the omega can choose to walk away.”
I had so much bottled frustration I wanted to scream or pitch a vase at the wall. One or both might make me feel better, because I’d given Riven my heart when I didn’t know who he was. That was unforgivable.
Instead, I asked another question. “Why didn't Riven tell me?”
“Would you have believed him? A stranger claiming you were destined to be together?”
She was right. I hated that she was because I wanted to rant and rave and have a pity party for me.
Today being my last day, I wanted to get outside. I needed the cold to ice my cheeks so I’d have something else to think about other than the mess my life had become. Maybe I’d take one of the shorter trails Riven and I had walked.
The sun was out, and the light glittered on the snow. I strode along, wanting to work up a sweat despite the cold. But as I rounded a bend in the path, I froze. Riven. He was in the same place we’d stood last week.
Neither of us spoke. I was torn between running into his arms and tearing off in the other direction. Without a word, he disappeared into the trees. I couldn’t move, as though someone had put a spell on me. Tears streamed over my cheeks and huge wracking sobs shook my shoulders.
The man who’d been at my side, cooked me breakfast, and made love to me had nothing to say. His reaction crushed me, and if it hadn’t been so cold, I might have collapsed into the snow until my tears turned to icicles.
But if I was ever to hear his voice again, I had to see him today, and I arranged a meeting in the library, using Antonia as a go-between.
I arrived at the library first and sank into one of the worn leather armchairs. When Riven arrived, I noted the shadows under his eyes, suggesting he’d experienced sleepless nights as I had.
“You didn’t say anything earlier.” I bit my tongue, wishing I could take the words back because it was an accusation.
He swallowed. “You wanted to be alone, and I respected that.”
Okay, enough of that. I had to move on.
“Who were you expecting at the lodge? Not me because,” I waved my hand between us, “I’m human, and this is a resort for shifters.”
“We were expecting a shifter. Your FBI contact mixed up the arrangements somehow. The lodge serves as a safe house sometimes.”
That checked one item off my list.
“Tell me more about the mate bond? For shifters? Antonia filled me in on some of it.”
Riven glanced at the fire. “It doesn’t always happen. Some shifters fall in love as humans do.”
Every time someone spoke the word humans, I was hit with the sense that I’d entered a new world.
“But you have a choice as I do? You can ignore it.” I had to hear him say he could, because I wasn’t going to be responsible for ruining his life.
“Of course.” He wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“Please be honest.”
“I am.” He leaned forward, clasping both his hands. “Yes, I can leave this minute and never look back.” He took a breath. “But…”
The fire crackling formed a backdrop to Riven’s ragged breathing.
“But I will never be with anyone else. When the universe chooses, shifters don’t get a do-over.”
I clenched my fists, but what I wanted was to race outside and shake them at the sky, yelling that it wasn’t fair. He was a good man and he shouldn’t be alone for the rest of his life. Guilt formed an angry little ball in my belly.
“I’m sorry.” Those words were pointless, but there was nothing else to say. “I'm leaving tomorrow.” The words came out more abruptly than I'd intended. “I have to testify at my boss’s trial.”
“I see.”
“I don't regret being with you. Whatever else happens, I wanted you to know that.” Before he could respond, I slipped out the door, unable to bear whatever I might see in his eyes.
That night when I couldn’t sleep, I remembered how safe I used to be in his arms, but then I remembered his voice when I told him I was leaving. He let me go, understanding he’d long for me until his last breath.
As I waited for Jeff to collect me the next morning, I scanned the lobby and the grounds, hoping for a glimpse of Riven.
Antonia appeared and gave me a hug. “He thought it would be easier for you this way.”
“Could you give him something for me?” I pulled a small package from my coat pocket. The present I’d gotten him was still in our cabin. But I’d sketched his wolf from memory. I wasn’t much of an artist but had taken classes.
“Tell him... tell him I'll be in touch.”
The drive to the airport passed in a blur, and the plane ride was no better. I stared at clouds, thinking of everything I was leaving behind. When I unlocked the door to my apartment, I was exhausted, wishing I was somewhere else but not certain where I belonged.
I threw open the windows and was greeted with noise and pollution rather than the scent of pine. I was home, so why did it seem as though I’d left my home behind?
I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I didn’t appear any different, but I wasn’t the same person as when I left, and I’d never be that me again. I was Riven’s mate, whether I accepted that or not. But was he mine?
I picked up the phone, my thumb hovering over Riven's number. Nope, it was too soon. I wasn't ready. I needed to be sure before I made any decisions that would alter both our lives.
Setting the phone aside, I turned back to the window. Somewhere miles away, under the same stars, Riven might be looking out at the mountains, maybe thinking of me too. My heart gave a little blip of happiness.
Perhaps it was time to admit what was in my heart. I paced the floor, not wanting to acknowledge my feelings. I nibbled my nails until a horn blasted in the street below. I grinned because it was telling me to get on with it.
Okay, I adored that man, that shifter who had a wolf inside him. My heart and head told me we had a connection, one that could last a lifetime.
For the first time since Christmas Eve, I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe we could be together.