chapter eighteen #2
“And it means you will not make a complete fool out of me at the ball.” Then, as if I’m not standing right here, he adds, “Still can’t believe my uncle is forcing me to go to the ball with a human.”
“I’m sure you’ll survive,” I say dryly. “Bye, Reü.”
Ready to catch up with Seniia for lunch, I skip down the hall, then trail to a halt at the top of the spiraling heartstone stairs as I observe Llyr several floors below.
With the hood of his cloak pulled up around his face, he scans his surroundings, then disappears into one of the many doors lining the hallway.
I frown at his furtive behavior. What is he hiding?
I tiptoe down the flight of stairs, careful not to make a sound.
Reaching the floor where I observed Llyr, I glance around, but the hallway is empty.
I creep down the hall toward the door and pause behind a cascade of star jasmine climbing the wall joist. Its tiny white flowers brush my skin, and their fragrant perfume fills my nostrils as I peek through the greenery toward the door where Llyr disappeared.
From what I can tell, it’s some sort of storage room.
“Why are you here?” Llyr’s voice drifts from the door, which is slightly ajar.
“I could ask you the same. It’s another moon and a half yet.”
A knot of tension tightens in my gut. I know that voice. It haunts my waking thoughts as much as my dreams. Astēr.
“They were going to kill her. I had to act,” Llyr says solemnly.
“Couldn’t you simply take their memories?” Astēr’s voice is sharp. “Make some good use of that gift of yours.”
A chill runs down my spine. Llyr can take memories? Like the Umbra?
Llyr lets out a heavy breath. “Too many were involved, and too much had happened before I was even aware of the situation.” He pauses. “Besides, I can only remove so much memory—and I would have to touch them all long enough to do so. And with the umbra already hunting her—"
My tension spikes. Are they talking about .
. . me? Burn me! What possible connection could I have to their clandestine meeting?
Parting the vines, I peer through the crack.
Llyr is half hidden, while Astēr stands with his back to the door, gazing through the arched window down at the beautiful gardens below.
Even with the windows shut, I can hear the rush of the five massive waterfalls.
Astēr turns to face Llyr. “The shadowborn are gathering, and if the rumors are to be believed, they will join him.” His brow is furrowed in thought.
“There is no way for you to know?” Llyr’s voice, tight with worry, betrays his concern.
Astēr shakes his head. “Once they turn, the light of their thread extinguishes, and it’s impossible to make them out in the weave.”
As I lean back against the wall, my forehead puckers. What are they talking about?
“It is almost time,” Llyr says. “After all these years, you will finally have what you need to defeat him.”
Defeat who? I frown.
Astēr makes a noncommittal sound.
I can hear Llyr’s pacing. He never paces.
“We are so close, Astēr, but dear Mah, this is harder than I thought it would be. Twenty years of watching over her, and now . . .” He pauses, and I risk a slight movement, leaning forward to catch a glimpse of him.
“My mind knows it is the right thing to do, and I should have faith in Mah’s plan, but .
. .” Llyr turns quiet again, then shakes his head.
“My devotion to Mah is my only anchor in this life, so why do I wish the situation were different? How can devotion and duty feel like betrayal at the same time?” He buries his face in his hands, clearly troubled by whatever it is that’s weighing down on him.
My chest tightens. I didn’t know Llyr could sound like this—so broken, conflicted. Granted, the list of things I didn’t know about him seems to grow by the heartbeat.
Astēr places a hand on his shoulder. “Maybe some prices are too high, even for the greater good.”
A look of confusion crosses Llyr’s face. “What price are you paying? I can only see you growing stronger from this. It will let you join the ranks of the higher—”
Astēr silences him with a wave of his hand. “It doesn’t matter. Mah . . .” Astēr’s eyebrows knit together, a slight frown etching itself onto his beautiful face. “I’m starting to think she either has a wicked sense of humor or has other intentions entirely . . .”
“What on Reā makes you say such things?” Llyr sounds offended. “She is an honorable goddess!”
Astēr scoffs. “Then you clearly do not know her well enough. It wouldn’t be the first time she and Zerex didn’t see eye to eye.” His eyes narrow. “I did not expect this one though.”
“What?” Llyr barks. “The shadowborn? They are not her doing!” He steps closer to Astēr.
“Of course not.” Astēr’s tone indicates that he finds the idea preposterous.
They are both quiet for some time, probably pondering the implications of what they are up against, and I barely dare to breathe, afraid even the smallest sound will alert their Reān ears.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” Astēr finally says. “Why?”
“The dagger . . .” Llyr whispers. “It is gone.” The shame in his voice is almost palpable.
Dread coils in my stomach and my hand instinctively goes to the sheath at my thigh, where the shadowshard is hidden beneath my skirt. Leaning forward again, I carefully part the star jasmine vines to widen my view through the crack in the door.
“Twenty years of searching the Voidlands, and when I finally find it, I lose it. If the minister or the umbra have gotten their hands on it . . .” Llyr lets the implication hang in the air.
“What is even worse, they will surely know what we are up to.” His shoulders slump.
“What if all these years of careful planning have been for nothing?” He starts pacing again.
“I’m sure it’s safe,” Astēr says, sounding as if the lost dagger is the least of his worries.
“You are sure it’s safe? What kind of answer is that? Do you know how much trouble it took me to get my hands on it? And at your request, nonetheless. It almost got me killed!”
I can tell from his tone Llyr is furious but there is something else there too: fear.
“If I say I’m sure it’s safe, I mean I’m sure it is safe.”
“You know where it is?” His face shows utter exasperation. “Why did you not tell me?”
I can feel the blood leave my face. Does he know that I have it?
Astēr shrugs. “You never asked.” Then he adds, his voice turning accusatory, “You braced her.”
“I know it was not ideal, but it was the best I could think of to hide her from . . .” Llyr’s voice fades, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. “Care to share how you even know this? Have you met her? Did she tell you this herself? Void, Astēr, you are not supposed to interact.”
I frown. If Llyr didn’t tell him, who did? And hide me from who? There is so much going on I’m struggling to form a coherent thought.
“Yes and no.” His lips press into a thin line. “I met her in Bowen at Sa’mahtā.”
And again at the initiation of the Accepted, not to mention in my dreams every night. But he doesn’t mention any of that. Not that he would know I dream about him.
“How did you . . . ?” Llyr begins.
“Recognize her?” Astēr cocks a brow. “Ask your dear Mah. It is quite clear she has left out some rather important details.” He pushes his dark blue waves back from his face.
“But the way she reacted at the mention of your name . . .” The last part comes out as a growl, his upper lip pulling back to reveal his fangs.
Llyr, wise as he is, takes a couple steps backward, a chagrined expression on his face.
“But did she tell you?”
The way Llyr presses the question makes me wonder what he’s after. I search my mind. Did I tell Astēr about the brace? No, I’m positive that never came up in either of our brief conversations.
Astēr’s jaw ticks once. Twice.
“You read her mind. Her memories.” Llyr’s voice is accusatory.
“Oh, get over yourself. As I said, you placed a fucking brace on her!”
“I did it to protect her! What is your excuse?”
“Protect her?” he growls. “Ten years, Llyr! Ten years she lived as property because you followed orders without question.”
“Divine commands are not suggestions, Astēr. You of all should know that.” He rakes a hand down his face.
“I did what I was asked to do. Why do you care? You were never supposed to meet. Outside of gaining the powers to fix this mess we are in, you have no part in this. And do I have to remind you that mind reading without consent is a misuse of power?” Llyr states as if he’s reading from a scroll.
“You’re one to speak. How many memories did you erase over the years, Llyr? Hers? Coperie's? Anyone who got too close to the truth? Your gift made you the perfect jailer.” He lets out a bitter laugh. “Not to mention how you made her enter a soulbinding without her consent!”
Their arguing fades as the terrifying realization dawns.
Frozen, I can barely blink, the implications crushing me.
Llyr has taken memories from me. And Astēr .
. . invaded my mind, explored my thoughts.
The violation is unbearable, a profound vulnerability I’ve never known.
Even as property, my mind was my own, my last refuge.
But this trespass, this invasion of my mind, feels like a violation of my very being.
A dizzying wave crashes over me. What he must have found!
I groan on the inside. Someone end me right now.
“Then learn how to shield it.”
I yank up straight as the thought pushes into my mind.
My gaze darts to Astēr, yet his gaze is unwavering, locked on Llyr.
I need to get out of here. Now. Clearly, neither of them can be trusted, and I refuse to be the centerpiece of their little game.
Panicking, I spin on my heel and flee down the long hall.
With a glance over my shoulder, making sure no one is following, I race down the remaining flights of stairs so fast I’m dizzy when I hit the ground level.
Sparring sounds like an excellent activity right now.
The Void knows I need to get out some frustration.