chapter twenty
I STARE AT THE DRESSES Vy brought to my room.
There are a dozen different cuts and colors, and I’m unable to decide.
Seniia sits on the bed, already wearing a beautiful blue-green gown composed of layers upon layers of sheer material.
It exposes some of the golden glyphs on her arms and upper back, and it matches her eyes perfectly.
Her long powder-pink hair is in an elegant swirl at the nape of her neck, with a few loose curls gently framing her lovely face.
“I like the midnight blue with the tiny golden stars woven into it,” she says, bouncing on the bed for emphasis.
I purse my lips. It’s very similar to the one Nana wore to the ball in my dream.
The thought of her makes me wonder if Astēr is still here.
I haven’t seen him—not even in my dreams—since the day I stabbed him a week ago.
My sleep has been silent and empty, devoid of any trace of him.
Whatever gods of death are generally up to, I’m sure he’s busy.
Pushing Astēr to the very back of my mind, where he belongs, I reach for another gown to try on.
In the end, I opt for an ombre dress that darkens from snow white to icy blue, its sheer gossamer sleeves cuffing at my wrists and veiling the scars on my arms.
A part of me wishes I took Seniia up on her offer to heal my scars.
If I’m constantly covering them up, I might as well have.
I slip on a pair of golden slippers and make my way to the tall mirror by the window.
My entire right leg shows through the long split of the dress as I walk, but somewhere along the way, I’ve become comfortable with this.
Still, if it were up to me, I would have leggings on under, but Seniia made it quite clear that is not an option for a ball. I sigh.
Get used to it, La?na. Your legs are by far the best part of you, after all. I give myself a twirl in front of the mirror. Supposedly, all the dresses are designed like this so that one will have the freedom to fight if needed.
“Look at you!” Seniia squeals as I do another spin in my dress. “You look amazing! Now sit down so I can do your hair and makeup.” She ushers me into the chair in front of my vanity table, ready to do her magic.
A sharp rap on the door sends a jolt of tension through my body. My eyes lock with Seniia’s in the mirror, but the small shake of her head tells me she’s not expecting anyone, and neither am I.
I haven’t even gotten out of the chair before the door swings open and Llyr strides into the room as if it’s his own. His jaw is tight, his hands clenched at his sides. “Why were you not at sparring practice this afternoon?”
I frown. “Because I’m getting ready for the ball you want me to attend,” I say as I stand, gesturing down at my dress.
“Do not be smart with me, La?na. Vy’s reports tell me you have been roaming downtown, staying out late.
I do not know if you have forgotten, but we have a deal, remember?
” His fury is evident in his green eyes.
“You would be wise to understand that if they think you cannot be kept in check, there will be consequences, yes?”
I flinch. The threat is clear: If I don’t uphold my part of the bargain, nothing stops him from bracing me again. Or stealing your memories. I wisely take a couple of steps back.
“I remember the deal being that I have to spend the night here at the Arc,” I say, pushing down the nausea his implication brought forth.
“And I have. What is it that is so important about me that I must be kept in check? Why does anyone even care what I, a mere human, do? I sleep here. That should be enough.” If his unwillingness to tell me the truth wasn’t already evident in the way he has been avoiding me for the past moon, it becomes quite clear in the way his gaze now keeps slipping to the side, unwilling to meet mine.
“I am doing my best to protect you, La?na,” he says quietly. “But I am not the highest authority here.”
I study his face, searching for answers he won’t give. There’s more to this than overprotectiveness—something deeper, more personal.
A flicker of pain crosses his otherwise-stoic features as his gaze meets mine. He’s holding something back.
“Twenty years of watching over her,” he said, and “How can devotion and duty feel like betrayal at the same time?”
What kind of divine command would make protecting someone a betrayal? The pieces don’t fit.
My lips press into a thin line as I study his now perfectly schooled features, not a single emotion evident in his ageless face as he stares at the landscape of clouds outside my window.
When it becomes obvious I won’t get any clear answer, I turn my back on him and sit back down in the chair. I’m done with this conversation.
“It is not safe for you to roam around Caelēn unattended,” he says.
“And why is that? It seems perfectly safe for anyone but me,” I challenge, tired of all his rules.
All the Accepted are allowed to go there alone.
I narrow my eyes at him in the mirror. What is he so afraid I’ll do that he needs to know where I am at all times?
Somehow, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a piece on some cosmic game board and Llyr is just another player.
“Besides, I’m not roaming around, as you call it. As you can see, I’m right here. In my room.”
“Take a look in the mirror,” he says, as if I need a reminder that I’m human. “As you should have noticed by now, some Reāns can be hostile toward humans, due to political reasons.”
“Because we contribute to the Darkening?”
His mask cracks for a fraction as he cuts his eyes at Seniia, who just shrugs. “It’s not like it’s secret knowledge,” she mumbles.
Llyr lets out a heavy sigh. “I have known you your entire life, La?na. It was me who found you as an infant. I watched you take your first steps, held you through nightmares, but you probably don’t remember.” His voice breaks.
Something aches in my chest at his brokenness. I want to believe him. But I can’t. Of course I don’t remember—because he made sure I wouldn’t. The realization hardens my heart even as it breaks. Pressing my lips together, I swallow the accusation that threatens to spill out.
“I know firsthand how hard it is to keep you safe when you’re determined to put yourself in danger.
Dear Mah, even with a brace, you found a way to roam around.
” He drags a hand down his face, as if just being in my presence is enough to drain him of energy.
“I will say this only once: Know your place, and for the love of all that is sacred, please refrain from meddling in matters that are not your business. We all know where that got you last time.” He strides back toward the door, then looks at me over his shoulder.
“Do not make me regret giving my word that you can be trusted. There are forces at play here that you cannot comprehend, and if they think you cannot be controlled—” He stops himself, jaw clenching.
“You will not like the consequences.” With that, he pulls the door shut behind him.
“That was intense.” Seniia appears as taken aback as I feel. “What was he saying?”
I glance at her in the mirror. “You didn’t hear?”
“Only the last part. When you sat back in the chair.” She runs her fingers through my hair.
“Sound shield,” she adds, seeing my confused expression.
“I think I may be strong enough to have broken through it—even one as complex as Llyr’s—but he would most definitely have noticed.
With some practice, however . . .” A sly smile spreads across her face before she turns serious once more. “So, what did he say?”
I shrug. “He’s probably just being overprotective because he almost lost me. He was the closest thing I had to family growing up, and he has watched out for me my whole life.”
But he was also the one to put a brace on you, La?na.
And steal your memory of it. I study my reflection in the vanity mirror, dull, lifeless eyes staring back at me, doing nothing to improve my mood.
I always believed that freedom would be the ultimate victory, that doing as I wanted would make me feel happy, whole.
But it doesn’t. If anything, I am fractured, hollow, empty.
The pit in my chest is bottomless, its darkness growing with every beat of my heart, pulling me into a chilling, suffocating void.
“La?na!”
I pull my gaze away from my ashen reflection to look at Seniia.
“What?”
“I said, Do you want to talk about it?” Her eyes are filled with genuine concern. “I’d love to help if I can.”
I bite the inside of my cheek until I feel the sting. It helps push the emotional pain into the background. “I’m fine,” I say.
My mind wanders to the encounter with the dark-eyed lady.
Did she play a part in this as well? I don’t know why I haven’t told Seniia and Vilder about the encounter, but truth be told, I’ve thought little about her, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it’s solely because of Astēr and those stupid, stupid dreams. How long has it been since I met her? Close to a moon.
Seniia brushes my hair with long, gentle strokes, the bristles soft against my scalp. I close my eyes, savoring the calm.
It isn’t that I don’t trust them, not exactly, but there’s no getting around how quick Em was to betray me when she thought she could gain something from it, and I had known her my entire life.
Not to mention Llyr. Besides, I brushed it off as crazy talk.
Yet her words about my missing soul pieces linger.
What if it held a kernel of truth? It’s becoming increasingly clear there is some information Llyr does not want me to have, places he does not want me to go, and I am beginning to suspect there is a connection.