chapter twenty-nine #2
Avoiding the mirrors, I stand. My eyelids are heavy, my muscles ache with fatigue, and I would give anything to sleep right now, but what I need is to find a place to clean up and then be out of here.
How long have Seniia and Vilder been standing there, holding the gates open for me?
I’ve lost track of time, and all I can do is pray the task hasn’t been too hard on them.
I glance around. Where did I enter this cave? That pool of water would be perfect for cleaning up before I get out of this damned place. Scanning the cave for the exit, I freeze at the sight of a familiar face in the reflection of a mirror: Nana.
I take a step toward her. At the same moment, Nana steps toward me. How? Lifting my arm, I can feel all color drain from my face when Nana replicates my exact movement in the mirror.
This is not happening. Is it?
I stare at Nana, a scream trapped in my throat. Am I still dreaming? Surely, that must be it. My shoulders drop with relief. Of course. I’m in one of my dreams. Yet, I feel undeniably like . . . me.
Stepping closer to the mirrors, I study my reflection: The golden skin, heart-shaped face, and high cheekbones.
Full lips and a small nose dotted with a handful of freckles.
Large violet eyes, the dark limbal ring surrounding the irises making them sparkle like amethysts.
And the cascade of iridescent white hair hanging down my back, now matted with blood.
How is this possible? How could I not have known? Somehow, I’m sure I’m still in the same body as before. Then how can I look so vastly different? How is it that I look like her?
I lift the hair and turn my head to study my ear. By now it should not come as a surprise, but I still gasp at the slight point at the tip of it. The discovery instantly makes me run my tongue along my upper teeth, and sure enough, I find fangs. Have I been Reān all along?
Knees buckling, I collapse to the cave floor, my body shaking uncontrollably.
I don’t know how long I sit there, staring at my hands. All I know is that I sense his presence long before I see him. I lift my violet gaze to meet Astēr’s golden ones in the mirror.
“He will be waiting for you.”
We stay like that for what feels like an eternity.
My body is a whirlwind of emotions I can’t quite name, and my mind is a jumbled mess of questions and thoughts, racing around in a dizzying spiral.
I have so many questions, yet I cannot form a single one.
All I can do is stare, my heart pounding, as Astēr’s overwhelming emotions wash over me like a tidal wave.
A tremor runs through his body. His eyes snap shut, hands flexing at his sides.
“You knew?” My voice cracks as the last word catches in my throat. Is this why he helped me?
He gives an almost invisible nod. “Glamours do not work on gods.”
“What? How?” Burying my face in my hands, I try to make sense of what he’s saying.
I can’t wrap my mind around this. Glamour?
My head snaps back up. “Wait, this is what you’ve seen the whole time?
” I gesture toward Nana’s—my—body in the mirror.
It all makes sense now: His reaction when he saw me at the festival in Bowen.
How he looks at me—as if barely able to control himself.
How I feel as if he’s the only one to truly see me.
“Do I know you?” I say, echoing the first time I met him.
A small smile touches his lips, though he can’t hide the hint of sadness in his expression.
“Yes? No?” He takes a couple steps closer, stopping right behind me, then takes off his cloak and hangs it around my naked shoulders. “It’s complicated?”
Void. “Complicated” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Enjoying the comforting warmth of his cloak, I’m startled to notice he’s shaking, and not from cold.
How hard this must be for him, to stand so close to the love he thought he lost, the one he’s mourned for close to a thousand years without his love ever fading.
Yet he does not lift a hand to touch me.
His self-discipline is impressive. Then it dawns on me.
It’s me. I am the one he loves. This strikingly beautiful god loves me. Fiercely.
“It seems you were right,” I say. “It is definitely complicated.” I turn to face him, and he swallows. “This is why you helped me.”
“It is. If I had taken your shards—” He stops abruptly, as if the mere thought sickens him. With a sigh, he runs a hand down his face. “It was Zerex’s—my father’s—plan. He wanted to make me stronger, so I could end . . . you know.”
Remembering Vilder’s words, I nod. Did he truly give up all that power for me?
“It’s a long story, and a complicated one, but in short, Mah never agreed with my father’s—her consort’s—great plan to create someone solely to consume their powers, and although she complied in the end, her reincarnation of you clearly states otherwise.
She knew I could never do anything to harm my mate, so she won after all.
He’ll be furious, and he’ll not be alone.
” He shakes his head, his face etched with exhaustion.
It seems even the gods can get tired. “The agenda of the primordial deities can be complicated at the best of times, and there is a lot more to this, but now is neither the time nor the place to discuss it, but let’s say I hope Mah has some sort of plan, because there is no way my father will let this go unanswered. ”
I have enough questions to keep us stranded here for at least a week, but the only thing that rings through my mind is the word “mate.” This divine being is my mate.
The feelings that he stirs in me are nothing if not intimidating.
I’m torn between running away as fast as I can and throwing myself at him.
The first one is caused by logic and the latter by pure primal instinct.
“Uh, so, how does this mate thing work?” I say, gesturing between the two of us. “I mean, we really don’t know each other.”
He takes a couple steps closer, causing me to do the same backward. Until I hit the wall. When he stops, he’s so close that I’m forced to crane my neck to look up at him.
“You may feel as if you don’t know me,” he says. “But to say I do not know you would be a lie.” His jaw clenches. “Damnation, La?na—Nana—you are just the same.”
The way he states my name makes me realize it’s not two different names at all. “It’s a nickname,” I whisper.
He leans closer, his gaze never leaving mine as he says with deliberate slowness, “And that means I know every crease, every curve. I know what makes you sigh, moan, scream . . . You can have your pick.” His smile turns into a feral grin. “Fuck, I’ve already showed you some of it, haven’t I?”
I go still. “You wouldn’t.”
His smile grows wider. “Oh, I most certainly would.”
What was it Vilder called him? The god of death, dreams, and endings. Of course he would have the power to do something like that.
“But why?” My cheeks burn with such intensity that I’m surprised I don’t catch fire.
He shrugs. “Why not?”
Because it’s wrong, I want to scream. Because it makes me want you, crave you. Without me even knowing you, you have become a desperate need that consumes me. But I say nothing.
He tilts my chin up, forcing me to meet his golden gaze, and his features soften as he runs his thumb across my lower lip.
“Because they are your memories too.” The words flutter across my mind like a caress, way more intimate than any kiss. He pushes a loose strand of hair from my face, then steps away.
As he stares up at the moons, his fists open and close at his sides.
“You don’t seem too eager to touch me,” I say. “Why?” What if he doesn’t try to control himself but rather is put off by my appearances? I’m a mess, after all. Dirty and covered in blood. I flinch. I need to get out of here. Clean up. Get dressed. Find Seniia and Vilder.
“Because you are not sure if you want me to,” he says gently.
I don’t? I don’t. He’s right. Kind of. Gods, what is wrong with me?
He laughs, causing my attention to snap back to him. Was he reading my mind?
“I told you to stay out of my head.” Cheeks flushing, I stare furiously at my feet.
“I do,” he says. “I have always respected your wishes, mi nā. Always will.”
Mi nā. My queen.
Astēr bites his lip. It’s such a small gesture, yet it creates a burning desire that consumes my entire being. I stare up at him.
He appears amused. “But without a mind shield, it is as hard to ignore as someone yelling it to my face. I’m sorry.”
Void! Could this be any more embarrassing?
His hands flex. “To answer your question, I want to touch you. Fuck, I want to consume you.” He lets out a low groan.
“And it doesn’t exactly help that under my cloak, you are entirely naked and covered in your blood.
” His face moves closer, his perfect lips so close they’re nearly touching mine.
Lips I have kissed endless nights in my dreams. “I’ve craved the taste of your blood for one thousand years, La?na.
The taste of you. And a thousand years is a very.
Long. Time.” He closes his eyes, inhaling a deep breath.
“And to get to smell it again. Smell you again. It is all I can do not to touch you.”
All my blood rushes to that sweet spot between my legs, and his nostrils flare as he smells my arousal. If my body was on fire before, it’s an inferno now.
Leaning in close, he whispers in my ear, his breath sending shivers down my spine, “There is nothing I desire more than to dig my teeth into your neck and drink from you while I slide into you, over and over. I want to hear your pleas, your moans, your screams as I mark you, scent you, make sure there is not a living being in this entire universe that doesn’t know that you are mine. Mine.”
He pushes himself away from the wall, away from me. I should be blushing, yet I’m not. Because although I don’t know him at all, he feels all too familiar at the same time.