Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Hunter arrived at the medical center forty minutes before his scheduled psychological evaluation on Monday morning. He would meet with Dr. Elizabeth Chen, a military psychologist who specialized in aviation trauma. The early arrival wasn't about punctuality—though that was ingrained in him—but strategy. He wanted time to center himself, to get into the right headspace. After checking in, he sat down and pulled out his phone, scrolling through emails and texts without really seeing them.
His thoughts kept drifting to yesterday, to Emmalyn…the somewhat awkward lunch with her family, followed by the fun at the batting cage and the simple pleasure of watching the sunset with her. He found himself smiling at that memory and felt much more relaxed. Just the thought of Emmalyn could drive the tension out of his body.
A door opened, and a woman in her late forties with short black hair and rimless glasses stepped out. "Captain Kane?"
He immediately got up. "That's me."
"I'm Dr. Chen," she said, extending her hand.
"Nice to meet you," he said, shaking her hand before following her down the hall.
Her office was surprisingly warm, with bookshelves filled with both clinical texts and what looked like poetry collections, a few plants thriving near the window, and a glass desk. She waved him toward the sitting area where two comfortable chairs sat on either side of a coffee table.
"Have a seat," she said. "Can I get you water?"
"I'm good, thank you."
She took the chair across from him and placed a tablet on her lap, then met his eyes directly. "I've reviewed your medical records and the incident report. Today is about assessing your psychological readiness to return to flight duty. Some of what we discuss may be difficult, but I need you to be completely honest. There are no right or wrong answers here."
He doubted that was true, but all he said was, "Understood."
"Let's begin. Tell me about the accident."
Despite having anticipated this question, his throat tightened. He'd rehearsed this story countless times in his head, trying to make it clinical, factual, but sitting here now, Gary's face flashed in his mind. But instead of seeing him the night of the crash, he saw his smile and heard his joking voice saying something like, "Sorry you have to talk to a shrink about me."
"Captain?"
"Sorry," he said, realizing he needed to stay focused. And he definitely shouldn't tell her he was hearing Gary's voice in his head.
For the next twenty minutes, he related the details of their humanitarian mission, the poor intel, the unexpected firefight, and the fatal crash, stumbling only once when she asked him where Gary had been sitting when the helicopter was hit. That did bring a bad image back into his head, but he pushed it away, answering her question with the brutal truth, that Gary had been sitting closest to the point of impact. She asked several follow-up questions, and when she was done, he let out a breath.
"Did you change your mind on that offer of water?" she asked, giving him a thoughtful look.
"No, I'm good. What else can I tell you?"
"Do you have nightmares, Captain?"
"Sometimes, but I haven't had one in several weeks now. They've definitely diminished over time."
"What about flashbacks? Does anything trigger memories of that night in your daily life?"
"No. I've never experienced that."
"When you have had a nightmare, what was happening in your dream?"
"It was usually about the crash, the knowledge that Gary was dead, and I was not."
"I understand he was a very good friend of yours, not just another team member."
"He was my closest friend, but I would have felt the same about any of my team members. I was the lead. It was on me to get everyone back safely, and I failed."
"But as you mentioned earlier, it was determined that the intelligence was wrong. So, don't you blame those responsible for that?"
"Sure. I definitely blame whoever screwed that up. I don't know who it was or if it was more than one person, but it was a mistake that cost my friend his life."
"Would you say you still have anger about that?"
"At times," he admitted. "But less and less each day."
"Why is the anger diminishing?"
"Because I've stopped focusing only on myself. I've been taking care of my friend's daughter. His wife and child have also been suffering his loss. His six-year-old kid has really helped pull me out of my funk. She has reminded me of the good times with her father, and now when I think about Gary, I don't see him dying; I see him living. And while there's still grief for his loss, I've been able to let go of the guilt and the anger because life goes on, and I want to be there for his widow, for his kid, and for the other people in my life. I can't change what happened, as much as I want to. So, I've accepted it, and I'm looking forward, not back."
She made some notes on her tablet, then said, "If you were cleared to fly tomorrow, how would you feel about getting in the cockpit?"
"I'd feel like I was home. I've always loved to fly. That hasn't changed."
"How can you be sure it hasn't changed?"
"I guess I can't be completely sure until I get behind the controls, but I don't have any fear of flying."
"What about fear of being shot at again?"
He gave the question consideration. "That's not something I worry about. It might never happen again, and if it did, I would deal with it in the moment as I've been trained to do. I know the risks of my job, and nothing that's happened has changed my willingness to take those risks. If I didn't think I was mentally fit to get back in the cockpit and put others' lives in my hands, I wouldn't do it. I would never put anyone else in jeopardy. Nothing is more important than a leader with a clear head."
"One last question, Captain Kane. If the review board doesn't clear you for flight duty, what then?"
"I..." He paused for a moment. "I don't know. The Corps has been my whole adult life. Flying has been...everything." He thought about it further. "But I'm starting to see that there might be more to life than what I do for a living. I'd find a way forward, even if it's not the path I expected. But that's not the result I'm hoping for."
Dr. Chen studied him for a long moment, then set the tablet aside. "Thank you for your candor today, Captain. You've demonstrated significant self-awareness and acknowledgment of the challenges you've been facing." She smiled. "There's also nothing like a six-year-old to take your mind off your own problems. I know. I have one of those at home. I'm glad that in helping this little girl with the loss of her father, you've been able to deal with the loss of your friend. That said, trauma recovery isn't linear. You may still have setbacks, and it's important to address them when they arise."
"I understand. My father suffered from PTSD, and I know the importance of working on my mental health as well as my physical health. Is there anything else?"
"No. I'm going to recommend you move forward in the review process. I don't see any red flags, but as you mentioned yourself, getting back in a helicopter will tell you more about how you actually feel than any conversation we might have. I would encourage you to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about any emotions you might have, because you have a very stressful job, and you're going to need to be at the top of your game to do it well."
"I'm very aware of that," he assured her.
She got to her feet. "Then I wish you luck, Captain."
"Thank you."
As he left the medical center and stepped into the bright California sunshine, he felt lighter than he had in months. He'd thought it would be a lot more difficult to talk about Gary, to relive the accident, but he realized now that all the nightmares, all the months of sleepless nights, all the stories he'd told Olivia had finally brought him to a place where he could remember that horrific night without having to relive it.
He still had to get back into a helicopter, which would be the final and ultimate test. But for now, he was going to hang on to the good feelings and hope he was doing as well as he thought he was.
"A little to the left!" Emmalyn called, directing Liam and Ben as they maneuvered Maggie's kitchen table through Bree's front door and put it in the open space adjacent to the kitchen. "That's it. Perfect," she said as Brad came in with the chairs.
As soon as she'd gotten home from work on Monday afternoon, she'd started coordinating the delivery of furniture to Bree's apartment. Paige had volunteered to watch the kids after school so Bree could get things organized without tripping over Olivia every other second.
Bree came out of the bedroom with Lexie, who had just delivered some of her beautiful, framed seascape photos to put up in the bedroom.
"What do you think of the table?" she asked Bree.
"It's great. Everything is wonderful." Bree looked around the group. "You are all so kind and generous. I can't quite believe it."
"Believe it. This is just the beginning," Liam told her. "Whether you want new friends or not, you've got them, Bree."
"I feel very lucky," Bree said.
"Is that it for us, Emmalyn?" Brad asked. "I need to get down to Maverick's."
"We're good. I appreciate the help."
"Oh, wait," Brad said, turning to Bree. "Are you looking for a job, Bree? Because I have some server shifts I'd like to fill at my bar."
"I do need a job, but I need to work while Olivia is in school."
"That probably won't work," Brad agreed.
"How about working at a sporting goods store?" Liam asked. "I run the Beach Shack, and I could use part-time help during the day."
"I have worked in retail. But I don't want you to make up a job for me," Bree said.
"Trust me, I'm not," Liam replied. "I only need someone from nine to two, and it's difficult to find people that only want those hours."
"Those would be perfect for me."
"Then come down to the store tomorrow, and we'll talk."
As the guys left, Lexie said, "Bree, I have an idea for some wall art for Olivia's room. Is it okay if I work on something, or do you have specific ideas for how you want to decorate?"
"I have no ideas. Decorating isn't really my thing," Bree said. "A blank wall makes me stressed. I never know where to hang anything."
"Then I'll come up with some ideas," Lexie said. "Also, Aunt Josie is checking the storage locker for anything else that might be fun to incorporate into your new space. I will be in touch," she said as she left the apartment.
Bree gave her a helpless, bemused look. "I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to thank everyone, especially you, Emmalyn. I know you were the driver behind all of this.
"We just want you to be happy and comfortable here."
"Hunter told me this place is different. I didn't believe him, but now I do," Bree said. "It's been a long time since I felt like I belonged somewhere."
"I know it's not easy starting over after everything you've been through."
"It's not. But it's necessary." She paused. "Hunter told me how much you helped him with Olivia, how you made her feel comfortable at school. You must think I'm a horrible mother for abandoning her the way I did."
She could see the guilt in Bree's eyes. "I think you were in a horrible situation, and you did what you had to do to get yourself together. You chose the right person to leave Olivia with. I have to admit, at first, I wasn't sure, because Hunter was a recluse before Olivia arrived. None of us knew him. He rejected all our efforts to be friendly. Everyone could see he was in a lot of pain, but he wouldn't let us help. Olivia's arrival broke down all his walls, and he had to let us in. I watched him change into a completely different person. He really stepped up. He wanted to take care of Liv to the best of his ability."
"I knew he was going through a hard time because he barely spoke to me the last few months, but I just couldn't deal with his pain and mine. I was also really angry with him," Bree said.
"You blamed him for what happened?"
"Yes. He'd always told me he'd have Gary's back. He promised me that Gary would always come home, and that's not what happened. But logically, I know it wasn't Hunter's fault. And the last thing Gary would want is for me to blame his best friend for something he couldn't control. I just needed someone to put my anger on, and Hunter was it. That was wrong."
"Hunter said he blamed himself, so I think you were both on the same page."
"He talked to you about it?"
"A little, not a lot."
"He must like you because Hunter doesn't open up to very many people."
"You've known him a long time, haven't you?"
"Eight years," Bree replied. "He was Gary's best man and is Olivia's godfather. He's been a big part of my life. And I feel bad for ignoring his pain, because it must have been as excruciating as mine. Gary and Hunter were so close. They were like brothers. And they brought out the best in each other." Bree paused. "I worried about Gary every time he deployed, but knowing Hunter was looking out for him always made me feel confident that they'd come back. Hunter was so good at his job. I knew he wouldn't make a mistake. He wouldn't miss some critical detail. I never should have blamed him. I've made a lot of mistakes. I don't deserve all this kindness everyone is showing me."
Seeing true regret in Bree's eyes, she said, "Of course you deserve kindness. You lost your husband. Whatever you said or did was out of grief, and Hunter would never hold that against you. And, frankly, I think you did him a favor by dropping Olivia off. It forced him to snap out of his depression."
Bree offered her a small smile. "He said something like that to me, too. I'm glad it helped."
"He's so much better now, Bree. He smiles and laughs and talks to people. It's been an amazing transformation."
"You care about him, don't you?"
"We're friends."
"Hunter doesn't look at his female friends the way he looks at you," Bree said with a knowing gleam in her eyes.
She gave a helpless shrug. "Maybe there is something between us, but he'll be leaving once he's cleared for duty. He could end up far away from here."
"He could, but he doesn't have to go alone."
She stared at Bree in shock. "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You could go with him."
"But I—I have a life here. And I've known him for like ten days."
"I fell in love with Gary in five days. He used to say he fell in love with me in two. Our families thought we rushed into things, but we both knew we had something special. I thank God now that I acted quickly. You shouldn't waste time because you never know how much you're going to have."
As Bree finished speaking, the front door opened, and Hunter came in, carrying Olivia.
"Look who I found," Hunter said. "Paige was bringing her back, but I intercepted them."
Olivia squirmed out of his arms as she looked around the apartment in amazement. "We have so much stuff now, Mommy."
"We do," Bree said. "Lexie brought some photos for my room, and she's going to get some for yours, too."
"Can I see?" Olivia asked.
"Sure," Bree said, following her daughter into the bedroom.
As they left, she turned to Hunter. He looked pretty happy, so she dared to ask the question hovering on her lips. "How did the evaluation go? Or would you rather not say?"
"It went well," he told her, his smile broadening.
"Oh, that's great. Was it a difficult session?"
"Not as hard as I thought it might be. But I'm relieved to have it behind me."
"I'm sorry you have to keep reliving that night, Hunter."
"It actually gets a little easier each time." He paused, waving his hand at the room. "It looks like you've been busy here."
"Along with a lot of helpers. What do you think?"
"It looks warm and comfortable, just like the person orchestrating all this. Bree is a lucky woman."
"I'm happy to help." She felt a yearning for so much more than the conversation they were having. She wanted to really talk to him. She wanted to kiss him and touch him and do all the things that were out of the friend zone. She never should have put them there. But since she had, she needed to get out of this apartment. "I should go. I have things to do."
"Can we get together later, Em?"
She hesitated, tempted by the gleam in his eyes. "I want to, but I can't."
Disappointment shadowed his gaze. "Are you sure?"
"You have a lot going on this week, Hunter. You should focus on that."
"And when the week is over?" he asked.
"We'll see." She gave him a helpless smile.
"That's not a good enough answer, Em."
"It's all you're getting today."
"Okay, but I'm going to keep asking."
"My answer won't change," she said, hoping that was true, because Hunter was very hard to say no to.
He smiled and repeated what she'd just said, "We'll see."
Hunter couldn't stop thinking about Emmalyn as he took Bree and Olivia to a popular pizza place on the boardwalk that night. Em had put the brakes on their relationship, and he understood why, but he didn't like it. Unfortunately, he had to accept it for now. This week would provide answers that they both needed, so maybe it was best to take a little break.
After ordering, Bree allowed Olivia to put on headphones and watch a show on her phone while they waited for their pizza.
"Your apartment looks good," he said. "Maybe not totally your style…"
"It's fine," she said with a shrug. "I actually like that it doesn't remind me of my home with Gary. It makes it easier to start over."
"You've had to do that a lot, and I'm not talking about just this last terrible year," he commented, knowing that Gary, Bree, and Olivia had moved several times even before Gary's death. That was the life of a military family. It had always been much easier for him to move because he never had to leave anyone behind.
That freedom had allowed him to give all his attention to his career. But in retrospect, it had also been lonely. Not that he'd ever yearned for what Gary had. He'd grown up in an unhappy military family, and he couldn't see himself doing that again. But he was starting to realize how much he had limited his life by that choice.
"I have had to start over a lot," Bree said. "But I never minded when Gary was with me. It's different now. I've been so angry since he died, but my therapist helped me see how much that anger was hurting me and my daughter. The last thing I want to do is hurt Olivia."
"You're a good mother, Bree."
"How can you say that after I disappeared?"
"You needed help, and you asked for it."
"I didn't really give you a chance to say no."
"True," he conceded. "But it worked out for both of us, so let's just keep moving forward."
"Emmalyn mentioned that you think you'll be stationed elsewhere when you're cleared for duty."
"It's an unknown, but it's likely. My team has a new leader now. I'm sure I'll be assigned where they need me to go."
"You have to do what you have to do."
"Exactly. I'm still glad you moved into Ocean Shores. I think you'll like it there."
"I already do. The friendship, the kindness, the support—it's amazing. Brad offered me a job at Maverick's, and Liam offered me work at his store."
"Really? That's great."
"The store hours are better for me. Liam only needs someone during the hours Olivia will be in school. It's perfect. It may not pay that much but enough to supplement what else I have."
"I don't want you to worry about money. I've prepaid your apartment for six months, and then we'll talk after that."
"You didn't have to do that. I do have some money, just not as much as I thought I would."
"I want to do it, so don't argue," he said.
"All right. Thank you again." She paused, giving him a thoughtful look. "Are you worried you won't get cleared for duty?"
"There are a lot of hurdles to get over."
"I've never seen you fail at anything, Hunter. When you want something, you don't let anything or anyone get in your way."
"That might have been true before, but I've been humbled this past year. I'm not invincible, and I can't control everything. That's been a tough lesson to learn."
"But you'll still fight as hard as you can."
He nodded. "I will."
"Are you going to fight for Emmalyn?"
He started at her surprising question. "Why would you ask me that?"
"Because you like her, and I'm not buying the just friends thing. So, what's the deal? Are you going to ask her to go with you to your new assignment?"
"I can't do that. She has a life here. A career, friends, family. I couldn't ask her to give up all that. We've only been spending time together since you dropped off Olivia," he added, even though it felt like he'd known Emmalyn for years. He'd talked to her about his parents, his dad's PTSD, and his own issues. And she'd told him all her secrets about her past and introduced him to her family. They had a bond and a connection that went far deeper than anything he'd experienced before.
"Maybe it's not just your decision," Bree suggested. "Emmalyn might have an opinion."
"She had a rough childhood. Roots are important to her, and that's the last thing I can offer. You know how hard it can be to follow a military man around the world."
"I do. But I don't regret it for one second, and I'm glad Gary gave me the choice to decide what I wanted to do. He didn't try to make it for me. Just something to think about, Hunter."
Bree's words stuck with him throughout their meal and all the way back to Ocean Shores. But he couldn't ask Emmalyn to change her whole life for him. They'd known each other less than two weeks. They'd spent one night together. How could he ask her to give up everything? He couldn't. He just had to see what happened with his tests, and if he was cleared for duty, where that duty might take him. Then he'd consider if there was any possible way they could keep exploring what they had. There was a slim chance he could remain in this area. That would be the best scenario. Then they could both have what they wanted.