Chapter 12
We didn’t talk about Icarus again after that night. It was a shadow we tucked into the corner. Saint was grateful for it. Even after he told me what he did, his eyes still followed me with trepidation. As if I was going to vanish when he wasn’t looking.
The whole point of a secret society was to be a secret.
One I discovered rather easily, thanks to a cabbie who had an excellent knack for tailing people.
I still thought about them, though. More questions I wanted to ask. But soon I had other pressing matters weighing on my mind.
Our time in London was over.
Wasn’t it amazing how fast time could travel to the day you dreaded most? You knew it was coming but still harbored this impossible secret hope that somehow, someway it wouldn’t come to fruition.
That time would skip over the day so you didn’t have to face it and instead you got to carry on how you had been, with your wings spread wide, ready to live.
Because now that you’d had a taste, you didn’t want it to end.
That was how I felt right now as I packed up the final items in my backpack.
For me, London was more than a city. It turned into a person.
And now I was leaving both.
Saint leaned against the balcony’s railing on an actual business call, while I walked around the room, double-checking to make sure neither of us forgot anything.
An action that was futile.
I already knew a piece of myself wouldn’t be leaving this room.
My heart had been stolen between sheets that would be washed as soon as we left, but the moans and whispers would be trapped between the walls.
An affair to remember.
I’d tried to keep my spirits light, to pretend the departure wasn’t weighing on my heart like an anchor.
Saint hadn’t promised me anything. Nothing that went beyond London. Not a relationship, not love, not a future.
All things we couldn’t have.
Not if Saint wanted to stay a member of our family, which he did. And I wasn’t going to ask him to give that up for me. I wasn’t that selfish. A small part of me wished I was, though.
I agreed to this arrangement. I promised myself I would be okay when it ended.
Which was why whenever Saint glanced my way from where he stood on the balcony, I made sure I shot him a smile. Sure, it might’ve had a little more teeth than lips, but it was the best I could do.
I didn’t want to leave.
And not just because of Saint. But because of this feeling of freedom I had found. The grounded weight that sunk in my soul and made me feel whole. I felt settled in London, like my chaotic heart had finally calmed, content to just be.
I didn’t want to go back to the person I was when I got here. Restless, hollow. Lost in crippling loneliness.
My siblings were my closest friends, but even they weren’t going to be home for long.
Archer was moving to Seattle next month, more like weeks now, and Jessa was going to law school around the same time.
I was going to be alone in the house I hated so much.
With only my father’s presence for contested company.
I didn’t want to go back to the cold house that doubled as my gilded cage, not when I had set the fire free inside me, finding someone who stroked my flames instead of smothered them.
I walked out of the bathroom with Saint’s toothbrush in hand as he crossed back into the room, shutting the doors gently behind him.
The look on his face splintered my chest.
He was already shutting down.
When our gazes locked, there was no warmth behind his dark eyes. Not even a flicker of playfulness. No twitch of wicked thoughts.
Nothing.
It was like staring at a statue in the museums we visited.
Cold, lifeless, sculpted cruel beauty.
“You forgot this.” I held out the toothbrush, and he took it. Careful not to brush his fingers against mine.
After slipping it into his suitcase, he checked the time on his phone.
I felt invisible.
Forgotten when I was still here.
I wanted to scream. Rush him and shake his shoulders. Demand he look at me, touch me. Set me on fire one last time instead of leaving me this cold.
“So this is it?” I asked. “You can’t even look at me? I thought you were a man.”
“Excuse me?” He paused packing his computer charger into his briefcase to send me a scalding look.
“You heard me,” I challenged. “Thought you were a man.”
He gave me a view of his broad chest as he leaned against the table. “Need a reminder how manly I actually am?”
“At least you’d touch me then!” My voice raised with every word. “Instead of going out of your way to avoid contact.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose with a weighted sigh. “I’m trying to make this easier for you.”
For me. Not him.
Implying I was the only one struggling here.
I wanted to rake my nails down his face, leaving a reminder of me. “Spare me the coddling, I don’t need it.” I turned away and marched toward the bathroom, if only to have the satisfying sound of a door slamming behind me.
Arms seized my waist before I got close.
Saint pulled me into his solid chest, nose brushing the shell of my ear as his raspy voice whispered, “I wasn’t supposed to want you.”
His hands sank into the waistband of my shorts, pulling me tighter to his body. I was humming, quietly hoping his fingers would sink lower. They didn’t, creating swirls of desire where they rested.
“I didn’t think it was going to be this hard.”
Saint held me like he didn’t want to let me go.
I didn’t want him to, closing my eyes and holding on for as long as I could.
Which wasn’t for long.
“When do you leave again?” I whispered.
“Soon.” His fingers sank into my skin, spinning me around. He thumbed my lip with a look of longing. “I’m going to miss this.”
You don’t have to. Words I didn’t dare say stayed trapped on my tongue.
To keep them there, I stretched up on my toes and kissed him.
One last time. One more kiss. We already had our farewell sex last night.
Saint wasted no time. Picking me up by my thighs, he wrapped my legs around his waist, walking us to the closest piece of furniture.
The couch.
He laid me down, pressing his weight into me. Rolling his hips against mine.
It was a kiss to remember, a kiss of goodbye.
Our last kiss. And we weren’t wasting a second of it.
My fingers found the edge of his shirt, slipping underneath it. Skin to skin, I dug my nails into him.
Needing more of him. All of him.
Saint stopped, pulling my hands away.
“We can’t.” He stared down at me with a look that certainly said we can.
“We have some time.” I reached for him again, but he caught my hands and pinned them above my head.
I liked where this was going.
Except when I leaned up to kiss him, he pulled away.
“It’s not going to be enough.”
“It’s all we have.”
He looked pained at my words for the briefest of moments before it dissipated, replaced with a guarded, yet hopeful expression.
“What if it wasn’t?” His words broke the silence that settled around the room.
“What do you mean?” I pushed up on my elbows, wanting to make sure I wasn’t mishearing, that I wasn’t putting my wishes into his words.
“What if we tried?”
“Tried what?” Spell it out for me, Saint. Don’t play with my emotions like this . My heart raced to the point of pain.
“To make this work.”
Butterflies erupted in my stomach, a mixture of excitement and nerves. “Back home?”
He nodded.
I blinked, reaching down to pinch myself to make sure it was real. I flinched. Ow. Yes, this was real.
But wait.
“How?”
Saint sat up, pulling me with him until I straddled his lap.
He pressed a kiss to my throat before answering, “We’d have to keep it a secret, of course, but I can’t stand the idea of this being the last time I get to hold you like this.” He kissed my collarbone. “Kiss you like this.” And again, this time lower, where he backed it up with a bite. “Or like this.”
“Saint.” My voice heavy. “Do you mean that? Do you really think we can?”
“We can try.”
Try and most likely fail.
There were so many factors against us.
Our age difference, how young I was. That was a lot for people to swallow.
The fact that he had known me my entire life wouldn’t sit well either. Even though nothing remotely inappropriate ever happened before my birthday.
It didn’t matter. People would see what they wanted to see, make up what they wanted to believe.
The people of Honeycutt loved attacking the Delacores, no matter the zeroes in Saint’s bank account. They hated him for his father’s crimes. Nothing he did would change their minds.
Also, not to forget the biggest factor in all this.
My brother, my family. The love Saint had for them.
If they found out, they would go ballistic.
My father’s threat of destroying Saint wiggled its way into my head.
“I see your gears working.” Saint tapped my temple. “What’s going on in there?”
“How? How is this going to work? What if people find out?”
“Since when does Madelayne Novak care about what people say about her?”
“She does when it’s about you.”
I could burn myself down, but I refused to take another person with me.
Affection reflected in his gaze as he brushed some hair away from my face. “We’ll be careful. Set up some rules.”
“You know I’m not good at following rules.”
“You will be,” he said with a confidence I didn’t possess.
He was giving me what I wanted, what I always wanted, so why was I all of a sudden filled with fear?
Because I was afraid, petrified, this wasn’t going to work. That London had some magic around us where everything felt right.
If we went back and this crashed down on us, it would ruin the decades of memories and relationships with my family. With us.
“How are you so calm right now?”
“I’m not. I’m just better at hiding what I’m feeling. Can’t let businessmen see you sweat. They’ll eat you alive.”
“Well, lucky you,” I grumbled.
“Mady.” He grabbed my hand and brought it to his chest, over his heart, where I could feel it beating. Racing wilder than mine. I wasn’t vain enough to think it was because of me. “I want you, but I can’t lose your family. I don’t care how pathetic it makes me sound, but I can’t lose the only family that’s ever given a damn about me. They mean too much to me.”
“I don’t want you to lose them, Saint.”
“Then I need you to listen to these rules. And follow them. As best you can.”
“Lay ‘em on me.” If there was ever a set of rules for me to follow, it would be these.
“We can’t be alone together if we’re at a party or at your house. As long as other people who know us are near, we can’t be alone.”
I nodded. As evidenced by this trip, we weren’t to be trusted in a room left unsupervised.
“No lingering touches. A quick hug hello or a hair ruffle, like I usually greet you, but nothing more.” He sounded stern, rattling them off from memory. How long had he been thinking about this?
He waited for me to nod before continuing.
“No fighting with Archer about sitting next to me like you usually do when we have dinner.”
“Can you blame me for wanting you to pay attention to me at a family dinner?”
“Madelayne. Please be serious. We have to be careful.”
“I know, but if I don’t put up a little argument, it might look suspicious.” Honestly, I wasn’t sure about that, but maybe there was a way I could finagle my way into sitting next to Saint every once in a while instead of Archer.
“Fine, but don’t be a brat about it.”
I stuck my tongue out at him.
“We also can’t talk on the phone. Texting should be fine, but nothing dirty or illicit.”
“Ever?” I spent countless hours thinking of what I would text Saint if I got the opportunity to sext him.
He rubbed his jaw, pondering. “No, but we have to be careful. Only late at night and we have to use the word snake before starting.”
I giggled. Snake. Like the python in his pants.
God, I was immature sometimes.
Saint shot me a look. I pursed my lips to stop the giggles. I got why this was serious for him. I did. It wasn’t like I would come out unscathed in this either if we were caught.
I just didn’t know how they would react to me.
“I’m serious, Madelayne.” Stress lined his features, and I could practically see him backtracking out of this.
This was too much work. I wasn’t worth it.
He could be with countless women without going to these lengths.
“I’m nervous,” I admitted. “What if we get back to Georgia and you realize it’s not worth all this trouble? That I’m not worth this?”
Saint pulled me to his chest, holding me tight, and pressed a kiss on top of my head.
“Just promise you’ll treat me like you always have around others. Promise me I won’t be your dirty little secret. I have too much pride to be treated like anything less than I am.”
“I promise you have nothing to worry about,” he vowed. “You’ll just be my secret who’s a little dirty.”
I laughed, swatting his chest.
“We’re really doing this,” I said in awe.
“We are,” Saint agreed, though tension lined his face. He didn’t look as confident as he sounded when he was doling out the rules.
I leaned forward and kissed him, hoping to ease that tightness. The stress that plagued him. I sank into him, pouring everything I had into the kiss. Hoping he saw, and felt, that this was worth it.
It seemed to be working as he gripped my waist and lifted my body higher, so my breasts were lined up with his mouth, and pulled my shirt down to reveal my sheer bralette.
Grinning, Saint blew on my nipple, watching it pebble. I shivered at the sensation.
He licked it over the lace, and my grip tightened on his shoulders as his mouth covered it, tongue tracing the delicate flesh.
Coasting hands slid up my stomach to cup them, bringing them further into his face, his mouth.
“Saint,” I gasped as he pulled my nipple with his teeth, as he reached into my leggings and found my entrance.
A moan escaped as two of his fingers slipped in.
“That’s right, baby girl, ride my hand. Get it all nice and wet with your arousal. I want everyone on the flight home to know what a sweet, sweet cunt you have. So beautiful and wet for me.”
With a combination of his sinfully skilled fingers and his filthy words, he worked me over until I was withering on the couch.
His name was a curse, a prayer, as I gave myself over to the sensation building inside me.
“That’s it, baby girl. Show me how much you like what I’m doing to you.”
I moaned, grinding my hips hard against his fingers. His thumb brushed my clit and I cried out at the sweet ecstasy that coasted through me.
“I don’t want to leave this,” he whispered, almost reverently, and I forced my eyes open to watch him looking at me with a forlorn expression. “Mady, I–”
Whatever he was about to say got swallowed up in the kiss I gave him. Anything he could’ve said would’ve sounded a lot like goodbye and we weren’t saying goodbye to this. We were going to make this work.
Someway. Somehow, we were going to have this back in the States. I wasn’t going to lose him.
As if he felt the resolve in my kiss, he growled against my lips before coasting his lips down my chest with hungry adoration, all while moving his fingers fervently inside me.
My head lolled back as he licked at my pert nipple, swirling his tongue around the tight bud.
“Saint…”
“I got you, baby,” he promised with a kiss before bitting down on my nipple. His fingers pinched my clit as his teeth twisted in a punishing pressure that brought stars to my eyes, and my walls clenched around his fingers. I cried out, shuddering against the orgasm rolling through me.
I fell against his chest with a whimpered cry, resting there until I had the strength to open my eyes.
Just in time to see him put his two fingers inside his mouth and suck them clean.
Oh my God.
I was just about to reach for his belt when an alarm on one of our phones went off.
Like he hadn’t just finger fucked me into oblivion, Saint casually leaned away from my body and reached for his phone.
“It’s time for me to go.”
“What?”
He stared at the phone screen, that tension lining his face again.
“My car is downstairs. I arranged for one to pick you up in two hours.” He picked me up and put me back on the couch before standing up to get his bags.
“Goddamn you, Saint.”
He looked up at me as he checked his bags one last time. “What?” He had a face that could never pull off innocence. That one word alone sounded wicked, torturous. He didn’t even have the decency to hide his wolfish grin.
“You know what.” I gestured to my swollen breasts. A few new red patches had joined the array of hickeys I was already sporting.
That damn grin grew wider. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t forget me on your flight home. All that time to yourself could change your mind.”
I walked toward him, not bothering to fix my shirt as I went.
“I’ve wanted this for too long to change my mind now that it’s happening.” But just in case, I attacked his mouth hard and fast, nipping his bottom lip. Teeth marks stamped his flesh, branding him like he branded me. “There. So you won’t forget me either.”
“Trust me, I’m not in any danger of that.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on the hard bulge straining in his slacks. “I’m flying back with a serious case of blue balls.”
I bit my lip at the feel of him, squeezing his flesh one last time. “If you didn’t insist on separate flights, I would’ve offered to suck you off in the bathroom.” My eyes danced as I met his. “I’ve always wanted to join the mile-high club.”
He groaned, pressing my hand further into his crotch. “Don’t tempt me, minx. Right now I’m forgetting what my reasons were in the first place.”
Before I could work further on changing his mind, his phone went off again and he pulled away with a very reluctant sigh. “Now. I have to leave now.” He gripped the back of my neck and pressed a kiss to my forehead, one that traveled down to my toes as he said, “I’ll see you when you get back.”
I was already counting down the minutes to when I could see him again.