Chapter 20
Ava
I swear this week has dragged on more than usual. Maybe it’s because Skylar’s been holed up with the rest of the legal team in preparation for the hearing. Maybe it’s because something’s off with Gus after he spent the weekend with his dad.
Gus has slept great in his own room since he was three years old, and suddenly, he’s refusing to sleep anywhere other than in my bed, so Zoe feels like she’s entitled to sleep there, too.
He usually loves school, but he hasn’t wanted to go. He tells me he just wants to be with me, and he’s worried he won’t see me again because something bad might happen.
I know something happened at Shea’s house and it’s why Gus is suddenly so anxious, but Gus won’t tell me what happened. When I ask, he changes the subject or just shrugs and tells me he doesn't want to talk about it.
By Wednesday, I’ve had enough, so I call Shea after work while I’m on my way to pick up Gus from school.
“What do you need, Ava?” he answers.
I’m taken aback by his harsh tone. “I can call back if you’re busy.”
“No, it’s fine. I just have a meeting in twenty minutes, so I can’t talk for long.”
“That’s fine. I was just wondering if something happened while Gus and Zoe were at your house this weekend.
Gus has been more anxious than usual. He’s been asking to sleep in my bed and hasn’t wanted to go to school.
He keeps saying he’s worried he won’t see me again because something bad might happen. ”
I hear Shea’s frustrated sigh. “He’s six, Ava. I don’t have any idea why he’s acting like that. Tell him to toughen up. He’ll be fine.”
“I will not be telling our six-year-old to toughen up when something is clearly bothering him! Did you say that to him when he mentioned something was wrong?”
“Of course I did. We took them to church on Sunday—as usual—and he came out of class crying because his teacher told him his family won’t be together forever.
He said he’s afraid when you die, he’ll never see you again since you aren’t in the church anymore.
I told him to toughen up because sometimes the truth hurts. ”
“And you didn’t think to tell me this?” I barely keep myself from screaming at him. Why the hell would he not tell me? Why wouldn’t Gus tell me someone said something like this?
There’s rustling of papers and the squeak of a chair on the other end of the line before Shea responds, “Of course not. What good would telling you have done?”
“I could have given him reassurance! God, no wonder he asked me if you and I were ever going to get back together. What kind of teacher tells a six-year-old they’ll never see their parents again, Shea?”
“Well, the doctrine is pretty clear about what will happen to those who deny the church, Ava. You left the church, which means you won’t be with your kids again in the Celestial Kingdom.
You made your choices, and now you have to deal with the consequences.
But so do our kids—your parents, me. Maybe you should have thought about that before you broke up our eternal family. ”
My temples throb with frustration. He told me the same thing when I said I wanted a divorce. He tried to guilt me into staying with him with the threat that I won’t get to be with my kids for eternity.
This is why I didn’t want to raise our kids in the church. The same fear-mongering rhetoric I was taught is being drilled into their heads, and it’s causing my child to have severe anxiety.
“I have to go, Ava. August will have to learn to deal with the hard facts. So will you, since it’s your fault we won’t be together as a family. I’ll see you next weekend.”
Before I can say anything, he hangs up.
Tears float along my lash line, and a singular blink spills them over.
I’ll never regret having Gus and Zoe. They’re the light of my life, and I love being their mom.
But I do regret having them while I was still part of a religion that uses scare tactics and guilt to keep people from leaving.
I swipe away the wetness from my cheeks.
Now I know why Gus has been so anxious, and I can work on helping him get through the fear.
It’s going to be hard to disentangle the church’s harm, especially since his dad takes him every other week.
I really need to get him in with a therapist. Can I legally keep Shea from taking them to church?
I’ll have to ask Sky or Mr. Jolley if I have any legal standing on that front.
I don’t want to keep my kids from their dad, but if it’s doing more harm to them, I don’t know if I’ll have much of a choice.
I check to make sure there’s no evidence of me crying before I get out of my car and head to the kindergarten pick up area. As soon as Gus sees me, he gives his teacher a high-five and runs to me, wrapping his arms around my legs in a death grip.
“Hey, buddy. Did you have a good day?”
He shakes his head against my legs.
“Let’s get in the car, and we can talk about it before we get Zo. Okay?”
He nods his head and takes my hand as I lead him to the car. I help him into the back and lean against the door while he buckles.
“I talked to Dad today. He told me what happened at church.”
Gus’s head whips up to mine, and his eyes widen with panic.
I place my hand on his face and stroke my thumb along his cheek. “It’s okay, bud. I’m not upset. I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn’t. You were scared to tell me, weren’t you?”
“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” he whispers, twisting a loose string around his tiny finger. He won’t look at me, and my heart breaks a little more.
“I appreciate you sparing my feelings, buddy. But it was hurting you. I’m a little bit better at knowing my emotions, and you’re still learning, which means it’s my job to help teach you. I want you to come to me if you feel sad again, okay? I don’t want you to hurt on your own.”
“Okay.”
“You remember how I told you I used to go to church?” He nods, so I continue, “Well, I used to be scared something would happen, and I wouldn’t see my family again.
But when I stopped going to church, I realized they’re lying.
They don’t know exactly what will happen.
They’re just trying to scare people into following their rules. ”
Gus’s little face morphs into an indignant scowl. “That’s not nice!”
“I know. They aren’t being very good people. So you can choose to believe what they teach you when you go to church with Dad, or you can come home and talk to me, then we can talk about it together. I’ll answer any questions you have, all right?”
“Okay.” He looks up at me with a frown still on his face. “Do I have to sleep alone tonight, since you know why I’ve been so sad?”
I swear to a god I don’t believe in, my heart shatters into a million tiny pieces.
“No, buddy. You can sleep with me as long as you need to. But I hope you start to feel better about sleeping in your room soon because my bed isn’t big enough for all of us.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“I love you, Gus. You know that?”
“Yes. I love you, too.”
I give him a hug before I climb in the driver’s seat, and we head to Zoe’s daycare.
When it’s time to go to bed, he climbs into mine but promises he’ll sleep in his room tomorrow.
I remind him he can sleep with me as long as he needs to. I want him to feel safe. His safety and well-being are more important than anything else, and I’ll gladly sacrifice my sleep for my kids.
Someday soon, I hope Skylar will be snuggled up on the other side of him.
Maybe I should get a bigger bed.