Chapter 23
Ava
I know some peoples’ relationships with their parents become strained when they leave the church, but so far that hasn’t been the case for me.
My parents were confused and a little hurt when I told them I was divorcing Shea and leaving the church.
In the end, they just wanted to make sure I was supported and they were able to be part of my kids’ life.
As their only child and the mom of their only grandchildren, I think they’d rather have me around than fight a losing battle.
I lucked out with them living less than forty minutes away. Mom’s able to come over in an emergency, and we can go over for dinner every so often, but it’s not so close we see each other too often.
Mom wanted the kids to come over and make sugar cookies today, and we could use a variation in our normal Saturday routine, so I agreed.
After breakfast, we load into the car and head south from Salt Lake to Draper.
Usually, driving this way would send a pang of sadness through me.
I miss the townhouse I made into a home.
I chose everything from the paint colors to the tile to the furniture, and I had to leave it all behind when I moved out.
Shea’s parents were gracious enough to gift us the down payment when we got married, so it was a no-brainer who would get it when we divorced.
With the new developments with Skylar, I don’t feel the same sense of melancholy. I feel… free.
I’m moving on from my past life and creating a new one that feels right. I don’t understand why it took me so long to realize my real feelings.
Well, I do know, but it’s still frustrating.
Zoe chatters the whole way to my mom’s about her new favorite TV character and her friends at daycare. She tells me all about how they let her use glitter for the first time unsupervised last week and how she’s so proud because she didn’t spill a drop.
Gus is quiet, as usual. He told me this morning he’s ready to sleep in his own bed again. I’m equal parts relieved and worried. I don’t want him to feel like I’m forcing him out.
My mom and dad are on their porch waiting for us when we pull into the driveway.
Patricia and Lyle Burton look good for being in their late sixties.
Mom goes walking every morning with a few ladies from church, and Dad goes four-wheeling and hiking with a group of older gentlemen he met throughout his career as a superintendent for the school district.
I swear he knows everyone and makes friends everywhere he goes.
Zoe jumps from the car and all but leaps into my mom’s arms. “Grandma!”
“Zoe girl! I’m so glad you’re over the stomach bug so you could come see us!”
Gus is slower to approach, but he still wraps my dad in a hug and asks if there’s a chance they could ride on his side-by-side today.
“Well, I think there might be time after you help Grandma bake cookies. Did you bring a jacket? It’s a little cold,” Dad answers.
I grab their jackets and my purse then follow them inside.
“Ava, you look good—happy,” Mom says as she gives me a side hug.
“I am happy, Mom. I’d love to tell you why if I can get you alone.”
“Let’s get the kids set up with cookie dough, and then we can talk.”
Ten minutes later, when the kids have all the cookie cutters they could ever want in front of them, Mom leaves Dad in charge and leads me to the spare bedroom they use as an office. She directs me to sit in an old rocking chair she’s reupholstered, and she sits in the computer chair.
“So.” She slaps her hands on her thighs. “What’s got you so happy? Are you finally seeing someone?”
I can’t help the smile pulling at my lips. “I am.”
Mom’s face lights up. “Oh, wonderful! What’s his name? How did you meet him? Where is he from? How long have you been seeing him?”
I wince at her eager tone. Maybe I should have come out to her sooner, so this wouldn’t be two big revelations at once.
“Well, about that… you see, I’m actually not dating a man…”
Mom’s head tilts in confusion. “What do you mean?”
I take a deep breath. The best way to do this is to rip the Band-Aid off.
“Mom, I’m dating Skylar.”
I watch in real time as the wheels in her head spin, and then her jaw drops open as realization hits her. “Skylar… Call? Your best friend? But—but she’s a woman!”
I nod my affirmation to her question. “Yes. She is.”
“But you’re not gay,” she whispers the last word like it’s something dirty, and immediately, my body tenses, preparing for a fight.
I was hoping this wouldn’t lead to a fissure in our relationship, but perhaps it was wishful thinking.
“I’m not straight, either. I haven’t labelled my sexuality. All I know is I’m in love with Skylar, and we’re together.”
My mom looks as if I’ve slapped her. “Ava, you’re almost thirty. It’s too late to go through a rebellious phase. First, you leave the church, and now this?” She shakes her head. “What about more grandkids? What about the Celestial Kingdom? What about being with your family for eternity?”
I ball my hands into fists, my nails digging into my palms to ground me. I blink back the tears threatening to spill over. I won’t let her words slice me open and undo all the progress I’ve made, even though they sting.
“I don’t believe in the Celestial Kingdom, Mom.
It’s not something I strive for anymore.
As for more grandkids? I was done after two.
I wouldn’t have had more even if I had stayed with Shea.
As for eternity? If I believe in a god, it’s not one who threatens to tear apart families over their religious beliefs or lack thereof.
I believe my kids and I will be together no matter what.
It’s hurtful to teach someone otherwise. ”
“I thought this divorce was a phase, Ava. I thought you just needed to… work stuff out of your system since you didn’t have a rebellious teenager phase.
If you didn’t go back to Shea, I was hoping you’d find a nice man to settle down with, get remarried, have another baby or two.
I never imagined you’d stray so far you’d date a-a woman. ”
“I won’t apologize for living my life and being happy, Mom. You can either get on board and be happy for me or not. I only want people in my life who will support me.”
“Are you threatening to not let me see my grandkids?” she gasps, and I shrug. I don’t want to cut her off, but I can’t let their toxic thinking muddle the happy future I want to have with Skylar and my kids.
“Gus has spent the last week sleeping in my bed riddled with anxiety over the harmful things he was told at church. I’m not going to subject him to any more hurt, and it sounds like you don’t want to be supportive.”
Mom shakes her head again. “I’m disappointed in you, Ava. This is not how you were raised.”
“I’m disappointed in you. For trying to diminish my happiness over some bigoted way of thinking.” A tear falls, and I swipe it away. “I think it’s best if the kids and I go. If you think things over and decide you want to be supportive and happy for me, let me know.”
She calls my name as I walk out of the office, swiping away more tears as I go. My dad is leaning over the counter helping Zoe cut out what looks like a tulip shape when I approach.
“Sorry to ruin the fun, kiddos, but we have to go,” I say, and Gus and Zoe’s eyes shoot up to mine. Gus looks concerned, and Zoe’s face turns into a frown.
“Why?” Zoe wails. “We haven’t finished making cookies! We can’t leave!”
“I’m sorry, Zo-Zo. We can pick up stuff to make cookies at home, but we need to go.”
Gus frowns, and my heart feels like it’s being ripped in two when he says, “We didn’t get to ride the four-wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, buddy. Maybe we can come back when it’s warmer.”
My mom rounds the corner, her eyes red-rimmed, clearly crying.
“What’d you do to make your mom cry?” Dad gruffs, his brows pulled together in concern.
I understand why he’s more concerned about his wife than me, but it still stings he didn’t ask why I’m crying.
“She can tell you her version, since it’s the one you’re going to believe. We have to go.”
Zoe throws a temper tantrum of epic proportions, and more tears stream down my face as I wrestle her into her car seat then help Gus into his.
He’s crying, too, but silently, and I hate myself for ruining what was supposed to be a fun day, but I can’t sit here and feel the weight of my parents’ disappointment the entire time.
I can’t sit here and wonder if they secretly hate me.
Or worse, I won’t let them say something and cause my children more anxiety.
My parents watch from the window in their living room as I pull away from their house.
Mom’s face is stricken, and I watch her body shake with sobs.
My dad’s face is pinched in fury. I don’t know if there’s any way to come back from this, but I hope they’ll come around and try to at least pretend to be happy for me.
Zoe stops screaming halfway home, and to make up for the missed cookies, we stop at the grocery store and find a cookie decorating kit. It won’t be as good as homemade, but I don’t have the energy to make cookies from scratch right now.
When we get home, I find a text from Skylar.
SKYLAR: Hope you’re having a good day, baby. I miss you.
AVA: Been rough. I miss you, too. Can you come over? I need a hug.
SKYLAR: I’m at my parents’, so it’ll be about an hour, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.
My eyes fill with tears once again but with gratitude this time. I know she can’t fix things, but being near her will help.
I lay the cookie and frosting on the counter, and we messily decorate cookies. I make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and set the kids up in front of a movie.
By the time the sandwiches are finished and we’ve each had two cookies, Skylar is here.
As soon as I open the door, the floodgates open, and I start sobbing.